At This Point, They'd Even Be Favored Against Mini-Ditka Coaching the Midget Bears

We're gonna act like the Redskins game today never happened, alright? If they beat the Jets next Sunday, all will be fine. If they don't... Well, let's not even go there. Because we're acting like the game never happened, I won't mention how much of a prick Bill Belichick is.
On another note, in case you needed any more proof of how good the Patriots are: They opened as 4.5 point favorites for their upcoming game with Indianapolis. The Colts are the undefeated, defending Super Bowl champions. And they're getting 4.5 at home against a team they've beat three straight times.

This is Fantastic

NFL Picks: Week 8
Halloween Costume Edition

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Cleveland at St. Louis

Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson as Milli Vanilli
Fantasy football's two biggest frauds go as music's biggest ones... Well, unless you count Creed.

Pick: St. Louis

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Detroit at Chicago

Brian Griese as Kevin Federline
Two years ago, who would have ever thought that either of them would one day be referred t as "the competent one"?

Pick: Chicago

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Indianapolis at Carolina

Vinny Testaverde as Methuselah
Going as the oldest man in the Bible is an easy choice for the oldest quarterback in football.

Pick: Indianapolis

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New York Giants at Miami

Eli Manning as Margaret Thatcher
With Eli and company in town to play the Dolphins, London will see its most powerful woman since Thatcher lived at 21 Downing Street.

Pick: New York Giants

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Pittsburgh at Cincinnati

Ben Roethlisberger as Erik Estrada in CHIPS
You know... For the motorcycling tips.

Pick: Cincinnati

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Philadelphia at Minnesota

Ex-Eagle and Viking Cris Carter as Tyrone Biggums
Hopefully the stressful decision of which former team to root for won't cause Cris Carter to page Tyrone for some rocks.

Pick: Minnesota

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Buffalo at New York Jets

Chad Pennington as The One-Armed Man
Like this one needs an explanation.

Pick: Buffalo

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Oakland at Tennessee

JaMarcus Russell as The Invisible Man
Has any #1 pick been as invisible as JaMarcus Russell? Well, besides the guy listed next, that is.

Pick: Tennessee

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Houston at San Diego

Mario Williams as Jessica Simpson's Cleavage
Mario better get used to feeling like a huge bust.

Pick: San Diego

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Jacksonville at Tampa Bay

Jeff Garcia as Elton John
Elton John was married to a hot chick once too.

Pick: Tampa Bay

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San Francisco at New Orleans

Reggie Bush as An iPhone
Both were massively hyped, but have yet to prove as revolutionary as expected... So far.

Pick: New Orleans

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Washington at New England

Tom Brady as The Hiphopopotamus
Both their rhymes are so potent that in this small segment they made all of the ladies in the area pregnant.



Mike Sellers as Dayman
He truly is a master of karate... and friendship.

WPGC's Chris Paul hits another homerun this week: Scrappy Redskins

Pick: Washington

Tito's Blunder?

The Red Sox are up 13-1 in the bottom of the 6th of Game 1 of the World Series. For the life of me, I can't figure out why Terry Francona has Josh Beckett pitching, when he could be resting him for a Game 4 start instead.

NFL Playoff Predictions: Week 7

The Chaz Rankings, like hip-hop and Shaun Alexander's career, are dead. While I enjoyed the mostly-arbitrary process of deciding which 2-4 team was less crappy than the other, the process became tedious. This year, I'll be picking which teams I think will make the playoffs after each week of games. As I'll point out in a minute, this idea was better in theory than it will be in execution. Don't be surprised if I abandon this plan very soon.

NFC Playoff Teams
Dallas Cowboys
Green Bay Packers
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Seattle Seahawks
* Washington Redskins
* New York Giants

Now that I'm trying to predict the playoff teams for the first time, I realize that its unlikely I'll be switching my opinions too much on a week-to-week basis. As these are predictions, I'm likely going to stick to my opinions until it becomes clear that I have to abandon them and act like I never had them in the first place.
However, even some surprising results next week won't convince me that eight of the ten unlisted NFC teams are pretty bad. (The Eagles and Bears are the exceptions; but I'm not sold on the Bears due to their defensive injuries and the Eagles have all the makings of a team who is about to give up on their season.)
Dallas is, ridiculously, the class of the NFC, despite the fact that they're coach looks like boy band impresario Lou Perlman.

A tad creepy, is it not? (Perlman, the man who unleashed the Backstreet Boys and N' Snyc on an unsuspecting America, was on my mind after I just read a devastating hit-piece on him in this month's Vanity Fair. Not to get into it too much, but Perlman seems to be a scam-artist and might or might not have had a little too much interest in boys' backstreets; although the latter claim seems to be uncorroborated hearsay, which made it's prominent inclusion in the article puzzling to me. Either way, Tony Romo should watch out for unwelcome advances.)
Green Bay is not a good football team and I fully expect them to collapse. But a three-game lead over the Bears is pretty steep, so I'll stick with Favre and the Pack... precariously.
Choosing a team to win the NFC West is pretty much how I'll figure Election Day 2008 will be. The Seahawks seem to suck the least, but that's not really saying much.
As for the Wild Cards... Like you really thought I wasn't going to pick the Redskins.

AFC Playoff Teams
New England Patriots
Indianapolis Colts
Pittsburgh Steelers
San Diego Chargers
* Jacksonville Jaguars
* Cleveland Browns

Alright, I don't really expect Cleveland to make the playoffs, but last year at this time the Titans were 1-5 and left for dead in the AFC South. They eventually made a playoff charge before ultimately falling short. Logic says that another unexpected team will rise this year. I have now ensured that it won't be the Browns.
The other picks are pretty standard, although if David Garrard doesn't come back soon, the Jags are in trouble.

The Monday Rundown

In the words of Jim Anchower, I know it's been a long time since I've rapped at ya, but things got crazy, if you know what I mean. Actually, things aren't that crazy at all, but that sounds better than, "I didn't write last week because I was drowning my Redskins sorrow at various D.C. area happy hours." Today, I'll try to catch up.

Redskins Win SJP-Style
sI'm usually a pretty superstitious person. And by pretty superstitious, I mean that I tossed my hat in the air when David Ortiz had his game-winning hit in Game 4 of the ALCS and refused to move it until the Red Sox lost their next game. I also got mad at my roommate last week for leaving at halftime of the Redskins/Packers game, when the Redskins were leading. Over the course of that pitiful second half, while the guys I was watching with were cursing Santana Moss, Al Saunders and Carlos Rogers, I was busy yelling at my roommate in absentia, who had clearly cursed the 'Skins by bolting to watch the game elsewhere at halftime.
So, it was pretty surprising when I wrote a celebratory text after the Cardinals failed two-point conversion yesterday. I waited to send said text until after the Redskins recovered the onside kick, but it was still written. Thus, when Arizona easily recovered the kick and moved the ball into field goal position with ease (prevent defense - well, you know how that saying goes), I felt like the loss would be my fault. That, of course, is absurd, since nothing is ever my fault and because the Redskins offense was as anemic as Iron Man's illegitimate son. (Coincidentally, also fathered by Bridget Moynihan.)
At the end of the day, the ugliness of the Redskins loss doesn't matter. The only thing that matters in the NFL is the number in the wins column and right now the Redskins have the 3rd most in the NFC. Plus, these things tend to even out. Whereas Washington had no business losing last week's game in Green Bay, they had no business winning yesterday's against Kurt Warner and the Cards. What goes around comes back around, as Timbaland once said.

Red Sox Win Three Straight, Head to World Series
I'm not gonna lie; when Jake Westbrook emerged from the first four innings with only three runs given up, I thought the Red Sox were done. Boston was knocking Westbrook all over Fenway, yet kept hitting into double plays and turning a potential big inning into a one-run sigh of relief for the Indians. And, as usual, Dice-K lost his head the moment he gave up a big hit (this time, a double to Travis Hafner). It seemed to be only a matter of time before the floodgates opened.
But, a fortuitous call at second on an apparent Kenny Lofton double, followed by an overblown (by the FOX announcing team) base running gaffe and a quick double play saved the Sox until the 7th when they blew the game apart on a two-run Dustin Pedroia homerun. (As I wrote to a friend last night, I think I like Pedroia as more than a friend. Has a rookie ever seemed less rookie-like?)
I'll talk more about the World Series before Game 1 on Wednesday.

Kelvin Sampson: Still a Dirty Cheat
Kelvin Sampson has such disregard for the rules that he makes Bill Belichick look like Moses, albeit only if Moses dressed in ripped-sweatshirts and couldn't win in Cleveland. (My disdain for Sampson is well-documented.) You'd think that after getting put on probation once for breaking recruiting rules (as well as allegedly skating on dozens of other charges of coaching misconduct) that Sampson would thought to have been a little more careful under the larger microscope at Indiana. Ahh, but then that would assume that Kelvin Sampson actually thinks! Of course, he does not. As evidenced by this story: Indiana punishing Sampson over improper recruiting calls. I'd ask why the NCAA would let Indiana get away with reprimanding Sampson on their own, but, again, that would be assuming the NCAA was actually a organization concerned with its own integrity.

Kansas Football Still Undefeated
I told my Godfather I'd mention his beloved Jayhawks this week after their comeback win over Colorado this weekend. That victory pushed KU to 7-0 and a ranking of #12 in the AP poll.
I was in Annapolis this Saturday to watch Wake Forest beat Navy, 44-24; my first time attending a game at Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium. Having watched a game or two up at the picturesque and loudly intimate Michie Stadium at West Point, I figured the Navy experience would be the same. But the environment was very sterile, even during an exciting first half. I'd never heard 36,000 people stay so quiet.

Looking Back: The Dennis Green Flip-Out

Like Heidi Klum and fine wine, Dennis Green's post-MNF collapse press conference only gets better with age. Today, on the one year anniversary of Green's magnificent tirade, enjoy the greatest coaching rant since Jim Mora wanted to know if we were really talkin' playoffs. (I think my favorite part is at the end when Green is deciding whether to keep yelling or resume answering questions. In the end, he decides on option C, which is to just leave the room altogether.)

NFL Picks: Week 6

Philadelphia at New York Jets
A few years ago, Sports Illustrated made a "perfect quarterback" using the eyes of Joe Montana, the arm of Jeff George, the mind of Peyton Manning and the footwork of Michael Vick. (Oops.) In that tradition, if you combined the arm of Chad Pennington and the legs of Donovan McNabb, you'd get Heath Shuler.
Pick: Philadelphia

Houston at Jacksonville
This match-up between upstart recent expansion teams on the rise can't help but evoke comparisons to the NLCS. And by that I mean both will be completely ignored by the general public.
Pick: Jacksonville

St. Louis at Baltimore
Do you think that when Ray Lewis and Leonard Little see each other on the field before the game they do the special "Killers Club" handshake that they learned from O.J.? I hope this is the sort of stuff they'll be covering on E:60.
Pick: Baltimore

Tennessee at Tampa Bay
Speaking of E:60; the show is trying to act all self-important like 60 Minutes, but they failed in two major respects: First, E:60 doesn't sound like a newsmagazine... It sounds like a scoring error on the deep, deep, deep rightfielder. And second of all, a show like this needs gravitas in the cast and, frankly, Michael Smith ain't gonna cut it. That dude commands about as much respect as women drivers do to Joe Paterno. (And, man, isn't that a great story. "That's my wife you're talking to!" says a disguntled man after a traffic altercation with the legendary Penn State coach. JoePa responds, "that's your problem." I can't wait to be a crotchety old man so I can get away with that shit.) I mean, Michael Smith appears on Around the Horn, for crap's sake. Now ESPN wants him to be a serious news personality? That's like asking Paul Shaffer to fill in for Katie Couric when she's on vacation. Wait, Katie Couric has no gravitas either, so; bad analogy.
Pick: Tennessee

Minnesota at Chicago
Pick: Chicago

Miami at Cleveland
This weekend's PGA Golf tournament (which: I thought that ended weeks ago) is called the Frys.com Open. Out of curiosity I went to Frys.com and was amazed to see that it looked like a web site that is run out of somebody's basement. How can they afford to sponsor a PGA Tournament when they can't even hire someone to make their web site look professional? And, no, it's not coincidence that this mini-rant appeared in the Miami/Cleveland section.
Pick: Miami

Washington at Green Bay
Pick: Washington

Cincinnati at Kansas City
Pick: Kansas City

Carolina at Arizona
Due to an injury to their starting quarterback (a former first-round pick), Arizona is forced to go with a backup who once appeared in the Super Bowl and was considered among the league's best signal-callers. Due to an injury to their starting quarterback (who once appeared in the Super Bowl and was considered among the league's best signal callers), Carolina is forced to go with a former first-round pick. In another startling similarity, both these teams blow.
Pick: Carolina

Oakland at San Diego
Pick: San Diego

New England at Dallas
Look... Until Tony Romo knocks up Carrie Underwood and then dumps her for Adriana Lima all while playing for a dirty cheat of a coach, let's cool it with the Tom Brady comparisons.
Pick: New England

New Orleans at Seattle
Pick: New Orleans

Well, How 'Bout That

Down 14-7 with Florida State driving late in the 3rd quarter, Wake Forest picked off a Xavier Lee pass and rolled to 17 straight points en route to a 24-21 upset in Winston-Salem. After an 0-2 start, Jim Grobe and the Deacs have rolled off four straight wins and have managed to work their way back into a solid position in the ACC's Atlantic Division.
Even after last year's improbable ACC Championship, I still find myself expecting Wake Forest to lose these types of football games, even though I know they're a quality team. Maybe it's the ingrained attitude that comes from years of gridiron ineptitude, or maybe it's that much sweeter when one's low expectations can be exceeded time and again... Just like Calvin said.

At Least the Yankees Lost

I can't believe I stayed up for that shit. As if watching T.O. running off the field smiling wasn't enough, the sight of Jerry Jones' corpse cheering in the owner's box ensures that I probably won't ever get to sleep tonight. Nice job, Buffalo. Maybe in the next few years you'll be able to replace the memory of this loss with an equally-crushing one in the Super Bowl, as per usual.
After the Cowboys victory, I figured I wouldn't publish what I had written during the 4th quarter, but I guess not recovering an onside kick doesn't mean that Tony Romo sucked any less. Here it is:

Tony Romo Is Infallible

The MNF announcing team is awful. They're almost unlistenable. Even as The Second Coming, Tony Romo, was busy throwing five picks, Ron Jaworski was praising His throws and making excuses for all the mistakes. When Trent Edwards threw a terrible interception late in the 4th quarter, Jaws eviscerated him. Two plays later, Romo threw an equally-awful pass that was reviewed without comment by Jaworski. Jaws described the interception as "unbelievable" and then called the turnover-fest a "strange game" without mentioning that said game was strange because Tony Romo put up one of the worst performances on Monday night in recent memory. At one point tonight, after Romo fumbled immediately after Jaws said He had "righted the ship", I yelled at Jaworski for an uninterrupted 45-second rant that included a shot at Jaworski's play in Super Bowl XV. When Romo threw the potentially game-tying TD, you better believe Jaws made sure to mention that it was "a great throw by Romo" and that Romo "really put it in there", despite the fact that he was throwing to a wide-open receiver.
A few weeks ago, the announcing team ignored the entire third quarter of the Redskins/Eagles game because they were busy talking to Charles Barkley. I haven't listened to them since then, but it's good to see that, like Romo, they aren't improving with experience.

Monday Picks

Bills and Yanks win.

NFL Picks: Week 5

I had grand plans to finish the picks up early this morning, but those were washed away in a sea of Patron last evening. I'm off to watch the 1:00 games. If the Redskins lose, I might not come back.

Arizona at St Louis
Kudos to Matt Leinart for being the first quarterback in NFL history to get passed on the depth chart in the same week he passed out on the depth chart.
Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland at New England
On Monday, when Bill Belichick reviews his illegal tapes of Cleveland's sideline, he will come to one incontrovertible conclusion: Romeo Crennel has an awesome mustache.
Pick: New England

Carolina at New Orleans
Remember last year when every media type was paying up the ridiculous "the Saints have saved New Orleans" story? Well, now that Drew Brees and Co. are 0-3, shouldn't there be the equally-absurd counter-tales of how the Saints swoon is bringing ruin upon The Big Easy? If the good Saints gave joy to citizens of a town decimated by a flood, what happens now that the Saints are bad? Do the levees break again? Does downtown New Orleans turn into the crack den from New Jack City? Does Godzilla show up? Where's the 2,500 word piece, ESPN.com! It's only responsible journalism.
Pick: New Orleans

New York Jets at New York Giants
Pick: New York Jets

Seattle at Pittsburgh
Pick: Pittsburgh

Detroit at Washington
Pick: Washington

Miami at Houston
Pick: Miami

Atlanta at Tennessee
Pick: Tennessee

Jacksonville at Kansas City
Pick: Jacksonville


San Diego at Denver
Had the Mets fired Willie Randolph, there were reports the team was interested in replacing him with Norv Turner, who promptly would have retroactively lost the team its '86 World Series title.
Pick: San Diego

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis
Tony Dungy's first book, Quiet Strength: The Principles, Practices & Priorities of a Winning Life, has been on the New York Times Bestseller List for 11 weeks. Norv Turner tried to buy the book at a San Diego-area Barnes and Noble but the cashier simply laughed and pointed him to the self-help section.
Pick: Indianapolis

Baltimore at San Francisco
Why yes, Washington DC CBS affiliate: I'd love to see Steve McBoller square off against Trent Dilfer in a battle of underachieving and mind-numbingly boring football teams. Who wants to see the mystifying Chargers square off at Mile High in an important AFC West battle?! Who indeed! Why, we in the District are but a 35-mile jaunt from the not-at-all-aptly named Charm City. This is apparently reason enough to show us every single freaking Ravens game. Somehow, I'm blaming this all on Roger Goodell.
Pick: Baltimore

Chicago at Green Bay
Brett Favre, like playtime, is fun.
Pick: Chicago

MLB Playoff Predictions

Two of the things I loved most about baseball's playoffs was that they started almost immediately after the season ended and only had off-days to travel from city to city. So, thanks for ruining that FOX.
Onto the predictions!

American League
Divisional Series
Boston Red Sox over California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels (3-1)
Yeah, the Sox pitching staff fell apart sometime in July and only Josh Beckett has been consistently effective since then. And, yes, Dice-K is liable to put up a 4 IP, 7 H, 4 BB, 6 ER line in any game. But the Angels are beat up and their staff ace (John Lackey) gets hammered by the Sox every time they play.

Cleveland Indians over New York Yankees (3-2)
C.C. and Fausto might sound more like circus performers than big league pitchers, but the Indians' top two pitchers might be the best two guys in the A.L. playoffs. Even though they weren't able to get the longer series, with the new scheduling, the Indians could start both of their All-Stars in four of the five games. (Tis assumes that the Tribe will pitch Sabathia on three days rest. Carmona would get his normal time-off before a theoretical Game 5.)
This is the most interesting of the four divisional series and not just because watching the inevitable A. Rod trainwreck will make for gripping TV. (Actually, I'm betting that A. Rod will right his sinking postseason ship in 2007, much like Barry Bonds did in 2002. Of course if this happens, it will mean that A. Rod is on the juice as well.)

Championship Series
Cleveland Indians over Boston Red Sox (4-2)
Between Dice-K, Schilling and Wakefield, the Sox are guaranteed at least one bad start and one middling one. That won't work against the Indians.

National League
Divisional Series
Colorado Rockies over Philadelphia Phillies (3-2)
I went back and forth on this one and, even though I couldn't name any Rockies starting pitcher if I tried (besides Fogg, the guy who pitched the one-game playoff), I can't shake the thought of the Phillies bullpen blowing leads to the Nationals and Braves over the past month. If they suck that bad at sea-level, I shudder to think of what will happen when they play at Coors Field. Plus, Charlie Manuel seems to be a bit of a lummox.
Side note: As if the Rockies weren't already at a disadvantage having to play their one-game playoff on Monday while the other teams rested, MLB did them no favors by scheduling Colorado for the first game of the playoffs in the afternoon on the east coast. (Not that MLB could help the east coast part.) I mean, I know it's all about money and ratings and that Phils/Rockies is the least-attractive series, but still... Cut 'em a break.
Also, the super-imposed sign board behind home plate in this game looks off, almost like it's using technology from 1998. Every time Cole Hamels throws a pitch, he looks like he's throwing on a bad green-screen. You can see the distortion marks around his head. It's very creepy. This is why having TBS dive right in with playoff coverage was a bad move. You have to work out the kinks before you broadcast on a big stage. It'd be like going on your honeymoon for the first date.

Chicago Cubs over Arizona Diamondbacks (3-1)
Arizona was outscored by their opposition by 20 runs this year. According to Bill James' very-accurate Pythagoreon expected won/loss model, the Diamondbacks should have won 79 games, not 90. The 11-win differential was, by far, the most in baseball. (Only three other teams had their actual and expected win total differ by more than five)
What does this mean? The D'Backs aren't as good as their record indicates.

Championship Series
Chicago Cubs over Colorado Rockies (4-3)
Even though Bud Selig doesn't deserve it after tweaking the playoff scheduling, he'll get one of the "Big Three" into the Series.

World Series
Chicago Cubs over Cleveland Indians (4-2)
Bartman gets redemption, just in time for Rex Grossman to fill the void as Chicago's most-hated man.

The Onion: As Consistent as The Patriots... And Without All the Cheating

By all accounts, The Onion should have stopped being funny years ago. One would think that, at some point, the idea-well would have run dry and the writers would be resorting to tired jokes, obvious gags and cameos by Bono. But apparently, that only happens on The Simpsons because The Onion is still as funny today as it was when it debuted nationally in 1996. I have no clue how they keep it up.
I mention this, because yesterday's article ,"That Full House Episode Where They Meet The Beach Boys Is On Tomorrow At 3:00 P.M.", is the funniest thing I've seen all year.