The Chaz Rankings: Week 8
Halloween Costume Edition

Happy Halloween, chuckleheads. (And a happy birthday, mom.) In celebration of the day, today's rankings will pick out a costume for each of the NFL's 32 teams.

1) Chicago Bears (7-0, Last week: #1)
The Wiz
No, not the Wizard of Oz-inspired Diana Ross movie (although dressing as Michael Jackson as The Scarecrow provides limitless possibilities). The Bears would instead go as Elaine's boyfriend from Seinfeld who played the role of The Wiz in the "Nobody Beats The Wiz" commercials.

2) Indianapolis Colts (7-0, #5)
Bridesmaid
Peyton Manning epitomizes the phrase, "always the bridesmaid, never the bride." Actually, Peyton is just an example. Eli really epitomizes it.

3) New England Patriots (6-1, #4)
Hobo
Bill Belichick will have no trouble figuring out what to wear.

4) Denver Broncos (5-2, #3)
Magnum P.I.
When Jake Plummer messes up, a football team loses. When Magnum P.I. messes up, people die.

5) New York Giants (5-2, #9)
Roger Goodell
With Giants-apologist Paul Tagliabue out of office, the Giants better start sucking up to the new commish now.

6) Atlanta Falcons (5-2, #14)
Trojan Warrior
On second thought, Michael Vick might be a little unfamiliar wearing a Trojan.

7) Baltimore Ravens (5-2, #11)
Sigmund Freud
Freud would probably have to change his theory of childhood development after meeting Brian Billick.

8) San Diego Chargers (5-2, #2)
Jake Bauer
Jack Bauer's little-known younger brother; Jake blew himself up 23 hours into a tulmutous day when his attempt to run the clock of a bomb down failed messily.

9) New Orleans Saints (5-2, #6)
Jared From Subway
He's still more famous than Reggie Bush.

10) Dallas Cowboys (4-3, #13)
Brett Favre
Step 1: Raid T.O.'s medicine cabinet
Step 2: Ingest copious amounts of vicodin
Step 3: Put on Packers #4 jersey
Step 4: Ring neighbor's doorbell
Step 5: Instead of saying "trick or treat" punch neighbor in face and see if they have any more vics in their medicine cabinet.

11) Carolina Panthers (4-4, #8)
One-Man Band
Steve Smith should have no trouble pulling this off.

12) Jacksonville Jaguars (4-3, #12)
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
Pretty self-explanatory, I think.

13) Kansas City Chiefs (4-3, #21)
Steve Irwin
Their name is already offensive, so why stop there?

14) Philadelphia Eagles (4-4, #10)
Mama Cass
Legend has it that the Mama's and Papa's lead singer died after choking on a sandwich. Donovan McNabb can relate.

15) Cincinnati Bengals (4-3, #15)
Alan Dershowitz
On second thought, dressing up as a diminutive, white Jewish man might entice Chris Henry to commit a hold-up.

16) Seattle Seahawks (4-3, #7)
Frank Stallone
No reason in particular, I just thought it'd be a good costume.

17) St. Louis Rams (4-3, #17)
Snoop Dogg
Just to see what it'd be like to play on grass.

18) Minnesota Vikings (4-4, #18)
Captain Stubing
I don't think Fred Smoot can wear white though.

19) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-5, #22)
Orange Juice
Scurvy awareness is at an all-time low.

20) New York Jets (4-4, #19)
Charlie Daniels' rhyhtm strings player
Always used to playing second-fiddle.

21) Green Bay Packers (3-4, #23)
Spies
Both specialize in interceptions.

22) Tennessee Titans (2-5, #24)
Dolly Parton's boobs
The true Music City miracles.

23) Washington Redskins (2-5, #20)
George Bush's approval ratings
The two worst things in town.

24) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-5, #16)
Jimmy Carter
Incumbents who failed to win reelection.

25) Houston Texans (2-5, #2)
Tim Couch
David Carr already does a pretty good impression of him.

26) Buffalo Bills (2-5, #27)
Jame Gumb aka Buffalo Bill
It rubs the lotion on its skin.

27) Oakland Raiders (2-5, #32)
Liza Minelli
Just take Al Davis' wardrobe and VOILA! Instant Halloween costume.

28) Cleveland Browns (2-5, #30)
Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
He was meaner than a junkyard dog, probably because he spent $85 a game to sit in the Dog Pound to watch Charlie Frye.

29) San Francisco 49ers (2-5, #25)
Dirty Hippies
Because I hate both.

30) Detroit Lions (1-6, #26)
Kenny Rogers' Hand
Maybe then their receivers could actually catch something.

31) Miami Dolphins (1-6, #31)
Marty McFly
Then they could take the DeLorean back to January and trade for Drew Brees instead of Daunte Culpepper.

32) Arizona Cardinals (1-7, #28)
Arizona Cardinals
Nothing can be scarier than that.

This Is Where Charlie Brown Yells "AAAARGH!"

I was putting the finishing touches on today's MMCB when, for the first time ever, my MacBook froze. It stopped. Just like that. No warning, no provocation, no nothing. Maybe it is somehow related to Ben Roethlisberger. Either way, I'm way too pissed to even begin to think of rewriting the post, so, sadly to say, all my erudite wit for this afternoon will be lost to the ages. Check back tomorrow when I'll have to decide just how to rank the Pittsburgh Steelers.
If you're in need of a good read, check out Michael Lewis' excellent profile of Bill Parcells from the most recent issue of Play, the sports quarterly from The New York Times. Play is always a must-read, from the cover story to the short features in their opening "Playbook".
In the Parcells piece, Lewis details a week in the life of the coach, one that happens to be the seven days leading up to the Cowboys' week two contest with the Redskins. It's a little depressing to read Parcells' thoughts on the Redskins (Jon Jansen's play has declined, Al Saunders isn't interested in controlling the clock, the Cowboys will lose if they can't cover Santana Moss, expecting T.J. Duckett to get playing-time) because everything he believed after week one is still true today. There's been a lot of criticism of Joe Gibbs during this bye week - OK, I'm going to stop because this wasn't supposed to turn into me defending Gibbs to the idiot haters. Read the column and browse through Play to see what catches your eye. (Joe Nocera's piece on NFL broadcasting packages is an informative delight.)

NFL Picks: Week 8

Baltimore at New Orleans
New Orleans was left decimated by a hurricane last September. Baltimore just looks like it was.
Pick:

Atlanta at Cincinnati
In lieu of a post-game prayer circle, the Falcons and Bengals will meet in the middle of the field for a huge game of dice.
Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle at Kansas City
Seneca Wallace vs. Brodie Croyle. And somewhere, Spurgeon Wynn weeps.
Pick: Kansas City

Arizona at Green Bay
On Tuesday, Matt Leinart’s ex-girlfriend had a baby boy named Cole. The child already has a higher yards-per-rush average than Edgerrin James.
Pick: Green Bay

San Francisco at Chicago
Picture it: San Francisco, 1849. You’re quietly working in a gold mine, digging for the precious metal that will take your family from poverty to unimaginable wealth when, all of a sudden, a ferocious bear enters the cave. Startled, you begin to run, but the bear quickly closes the gap. As he approaches, you see the only thing that can save you: Your trusty pickaxe. Frantically, you reach for the tool, grasping for the potential life-saver. And just when the bear is ready to go in for the kill, success! You grab it and quickly take a mighty swing at the massive beast. But as your death-blow is hurtling towards the bear’s jugular, you feel the axe’s handle slip through your too small hands. You’re dead, Alex Smith. And your freakishly small hands are to blame.
Pick: Chicago

Houston at Tennessee
Houston/Teneessee… Just like Cleveland/Baltimore. Minus the history, titles, Mayflower trucks and Art Modell-hatred.
Pick: Houston

Jacksonville at Philadelphia
There are now four certain things in this world: Death, taxes, Donovan throwing up anytime he plays in Florida and me laughing at the comedy-stylings of Margaret Cho.
Pick: Philadelphia

Tampa Bay at New York Giants
Eli Manning: All the boys think she’s a spy, she’s got Bette Davis Eyes.
Pick: New York Giants

St. Louis at San Diego
Nice move, Roger Goodell. Way to let the Chargers choose when Shawne Merriman serves his four-game suspension. That’ll show ‘em. What’s next, moving a Giants road game back to New York just for the hell of it? Ha! Like that would ever happen!
Pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh at Oakland
Prediction: Raiders QB Andrew Walter will go down with an injury late in this game and be replaced by Aaron Brooks. After ten straight misses, Brooks will finally throw a completion. It will immediately come to be known as “The Immaculate Reception II.”
Pick: Pittsburgh

New York Jets at Cleveland
As far as play-nicknames go, “The Immaculate Reception” is second to none. We’ve really fallen off in all nicknames, but play-nicknames in particular. Since when did it become acceptable to simply label something “The Catch” or “The Shot”. What are talking about here, a sports play or the name of a Seinfeld episode?
Pick: Cleveland

Indianapolis at Denver
Inspired by Larry Johnson’s hair-pulling takedown of Troy Polamalu, Dwight Freeny will sack Jake Plummer this weekend by tugging on his mustache hair.
Pick: Denver

Dallas at Carolina
I’m dressing up as Terrell Owens this Halloween. My costume will consist of an empty percocet bottle, bicycle helmet, Jordan-wear and a bimbo publicist at my side. Maybe I could hire Jeff Garcia so I could yell at him all night. It’s not like he’s doing much these days.
Pick: Carolina

Last Week: 5-8
Season: 71-31

The Chaz Rankings: Week 7

1) Chicago Bears (6-0, Last week: #1)
2) Indianapolis Colts (6-0, #5)
3) New England Patriots (5-1, #4)
4) Denver Broncos (5-1, #3)
5) New York Giants (5-2, #9)
6) New Orleans Saints (5-1, #6)
7) Atlanta Falcons (4-2, #14)
8) Cincinnati Bengals (4-2, #15)
9) Carolina Panthers (4-3, #8)
10) Philadelphia Eagles (4-3, #10)
11) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-4, #16)
12) Baltimore Ravens (4-2, #11)
13) San Diego Chargers (4-2, #2)
14) Seattle Seahawks (4-2, #7)
15) St. Louis Rams (4-2, #17)
16) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-4, #22)
17) Kansas City Chiefs (3-3, #21)
18) Minnesota Vikings (4-3, #18)
19) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3, #12)
20) Dallas Cowboys (3-3, #13)
21) New York Jets (4-3, #19)
22) Houston Texans (2-4, #2)
23) Tennessee Titans (1-5, #24)
24) Washington Redskins (2-5, #20)
25) Buffalo Bills (2-5, #27)
26) Green Bay Packers (2-4, #23)
27) San Francisco 49ers (2-4, #25)
28) Cleveland Browns (1-5, #30)
29) Detroit Lions (1-6, #26)
30) Oakland Raiders (1-5, #32)
31) Miami Dolphins (1-6, #31)
32) Arizona Cardinals (1-6, #28)

Warrick Holdman Is As Worthless As Confederate Money

The Redskins got hammered, a cold front is coming through and my head feels like Mike Rumph plays, so there will be no MMCB today while I mourn what was supposed to be the Redskins Super Bowl season. At least Donovan McNabb threw up on the field during a loss though. I don't think I would have made it in to work today were it not for that little glimmer of sunlight in my ever-darkening sports world.
We'll get to the NFL tomorrow but, before I do, let me say one thing to all the 'Skins fans who are tapping their keg of Hatorade today: This is not Mark Brunell's fault, it's the defense's. Benching Burnell in two weeks for Jason Campbell will accomplish nothing except for saving the team the trouble of waiving a white flag. At 2-5 the season isn't over yet. Remember, just five seasons ago the Redskins began the year 0-5 (and managed to look worse than that record in the process), then rattled off five straight victories to even their record. Were it not for a late Brad Johnson INT in week 12 vs. Dallas, the team might have contended for a playoff berth.
I'm not saying the same thing is going to happen with this squad. All signs indicate the season is, indeed, over. But these things are unpredictable. There's no reason Mark Brunell and the Redskins can rattle off some wins and get to 5-6, the same record they had last year before winning out and advancing to the Divisional Playoffs. Again, this is a stretch. A big one. But it could happen. Put it Jason Campbell and it won't. Campbell will likely get his shot to start this season, once the Redskins are officially eliminated from playoff contention. As of now, though, they aren't. And Mark Brunell should remain the quarterback of the Washington Redskins.
If you want some good NFL recaps, check out AOL Sports Blog for a comprehensive rundown of yesterday's NFL action. If you need me, I'll be shopping for my Mike Rumph Halloween costume. Anybody know where I can get cement boots, blinders and a complete lack of athletic ability from?

NFL Picks: Week 7

Pittsburgh at Atlanta
While at Virginia Tech, Michael Vick never received a grade lower than a B. Well, unless you count that time he got Hepatitis-C.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Jacksonville at Houston
It’s only a matter of time before some vigilant Texas residents protest Houston’s team nickname, claiming it is besmirching the good name of the state’s citizenry.
Pick: Jacksonville

New England at Buffalo
I played nine holes this morning and hit my best shot (a 6-iron to within nine feet) in the middle of a driving, yet brief, downpour. J.P. Losman and the Bills are expected to play in the middle of a driving downpour at home on Sunday. Similarities? No. I just wanted any excuse to tell you how awesome my shot was.
Pick: Buffalo

Carolina at Cincinnati
If I didn’t know better, I’d say it looks like someone kidnapped the Bengals offense. Chris Henry, I’m looking in your general direction.
Pick: Carolina

Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
Bruce Gradkowski wins the award for the “QB whose name most sounds like a kicker’s”. Donovan McNabb had to settle for “Black QB who sounds like he’s Irish.”
Pick: Philadelphia

Green Bay at Miami
Sports Illustrated reported this week that one of the first phone calls Terrell Owens received after his “suicide attempt” was from Packers QB Brett Favre. When asked why he was so concerned with the welfare of an opposing player, Favre replied, “screw him, I just wanted to make sure he really didn’t waste all that Vicodin.”
Pick: Green Bay

Detroit at New York Jets
Look for Matt Millen to draft Endy Chavez with the Lions’ first-round pick in the 2007 NFL Draft.
Pick: New York Jets

San Diego at Kansas City
If the 2006 Marty Schottenheimer-coached Chargers could go back and play the 1994 Marty Schottenheimer-coached Chiefs, would both teams begin trying to run out the clock in the first quarter?
Pick: San Diego

Denver at Cleveland
If the NFL abbreviated teams by names instead of cities, this would be a match-up of BRO vs. BRO. There’s a joke to be had here, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Pick: Denver

Arizona at Oakland
Once again there are two additional teams with a bye this week, meaning only 13 games will be played today and tomorrow. Well… 12 ½.
Pick: Arizona

Minnesota at Seattle
When Koren Robinson is undergoing his court-ordered 12-step program, do you think he’ll have to go apologize to the Seahawks for not being Torry Holt or will he simply ask for penance from James Spader for stretching out the neckhole on his sweater?
Pick: Seattle

Washington at Indianapolis
Two weeks ago, Clinton Portis appeared as Napoleon Dynamite during his weekly press conference. In keeping with his theme of dressing up like losers, this week Portis will be Peyton Manning in January.
Pick: Indianapolis

Last Week: 10-3
Season: 66-23

Questions From A Wolfman

The Wolfman is that guy who gets naked at parties. Oh, you don’t know any guys that get naked at parties? OK. Then he’s just a guy who gets naked at parties. Or maybe the guy. You be the judge.
To The Wolfman, a party without him naked is like a morning with no sunrise. A winter with no snowfall. A Notre Dame with no Golden Dome. It’s totally foreign. That’s why he disrobes the second the needle hits the record player and gets down like Nino Brown. Assuming Nino Brown was naked all the time. The Wolfman will introduce himself to women, fill up a beer at the keg and loudly request an Elton John song all in the comfort of nothingness. If you’re lucky, maybe one day he’ll invite you to join in the healing powers of his nudity. It took me four years of therapy to get out of the light.
The Wolfman’s Bears are 6-0 right now, which could lead to a Super Bowl appearance in February. Doubtlessly, there will be a party at which The Wolfman will be watching. If you’re there, consider yourself blessed. Just be sure not to leave your sandwich on the couch.
Today, The Wolfman asks questions about Tony Kornheiser, the NHL and those upstart Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Hopefully while clothed.

1. How brutal are Kornheiser and Theismann in the MNF booth? I like Kornheiser on PTI, but I actually dislike him more than Theismann in the MNF booth. Why does the Monday Night booth need to be a sideshow. Why can't they just have normal announcers working the games. Why does the NFL/MNF feel it needs to attract a younger audience? It's sports, what 12 year-old boy doesn't love sports and idolize the players? Why do they try to turn the booth into a circus act? It's completely unnecessary and annoying.
The whole “let’s turn Monday Night Football into an event” thing has always baffled me, because Monday Night Football is, in itself, the event. If people want to tune into the game, they will. If they don’t, they’re not going to because Tony Kornheiser is announcing. This isn’t 1975 when there were only two other channel options. Maybe back then, Howard Cosell brought viewers to ABC because he was a little controversial and not T.J. Hooker. But in an age when everything has already been said on TV eight dozen times, there’s nothing ESPN can do to cater to non-football fans other than promoting their product and promising comprehensive coverage. Just like Disco Stu likes Disco music, football fans watch football games. The casual viewers aren’t stopping by unless there’s a storyline that’s making national news. The sooner ESPN realizes it, the better. Because alienating the true fans with idiot commentators and Pink is a sure-fire way to ensure that the hundreds of millions they spent will be for naught.
The network should fire Thiesmann and Kornheiser and bring in the team of Brad Nessler and Dick Vermeil. Those guys are fantastic.
TK was on my cousin’s radio show a few weeks ago and talked about how MNF was nothing like he thought it would be and how he’d be surprised if he lasted another year. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Perhaps. Kornheiser has to know he’s bombing in the booth (more on that in a second) and maybe he’s just setting himself up for failure. Or maybe he truly dislikes it. It wouldn’t surprise me.
Kornheiser on MNF is like a combination of watching Goodfellas on TNT and reading the Cliff’s Notes to Hamlet. He’s been censoring himself ever since he got in the booth, presumably because he doesn’t want to rip people he’ll have to see in week nine. So we’re not getting the real Tony on TV, much like watching Scorcese’s masterpiece on cable, when all of Joe Pesci’s lines are overdubbed by a guy who sounds like Stallone in Rocky V.
Kornheiser is great on PTI and was great writing in The Washington Post, but he was always at his best on radio when he has an open microphone and two hours to kill. The jokes were rarely laugh-out-loud funny, but it was the type of show you’d stay in your car to listen to long after you reached your destination, just so you wouldn’t miss anything. On TV, TK is forced to recite lame one-liners, which is sort of like asking Richard Pryor to do knock-knock jokes. The fact that Joe Thiesmann disagrees with everything Kornheiser says, no matter how ridiculous he sounds doesn’t help matters.
It’s already over for Tony Kornheiser in the MNF booth and I think he knows it. Maybe he’ll go back at it in 2007, but the grind of the road and his fondness for radio could make this a one-year gig. I’d say there’s no chance of him lasting beyond ’07 though.

2. Two questions on the Miami brawl:
a) Does this show the Larry Coker has no control over the team? He probably doesnt, but I don't really think this incident proves it. How are a few coaches going to stop a bunch of enormous, crazy football players from fighting after a few punches get thrown?
b) Have you ever seen a more girly move than the Miami player who swung his helmet? If I said that a Miami player was swinging a helmet, I assume most would think that he was wielding it like an ax. But, he took a feminine swing with it and then ran away like a little kid.
Let’s take the second-part first: Yeah, that was pretty terrible. The only way it could have been more girly is if Alex Rodriguez was there to slap him.
As for the first question, I think a brawl doesn’t show Larry Coker isn’t in control. But it sure doesn’t help.
A brawl can happen at any university. Dartmouth and Holy Cross had one this weekend. Any time people are competing, fights can happen, especially in a game as violent as football. But brawls didn’t happen at any university last weekend, they happened at Miami and somebody has to be responsible. Is it unfair to Coker? It could be, but he recruited the players and therefore is responsible when they mess up.
Chris Fowler was just on the Dan Patrick show and was acting as a Miami-apologist. He didn’t condone the brawl, but said that the beating the players and University has taken in the past few days is unfair because this current Miami team has had a fairly good track record in the off-field stuff (translation: they aren’t Virginia Tech). And while that may be true, this Miami team does deserve all the hits they’re taking because they did brawl and they play at a school that has carefully cultivated a menacing, thug-life image in the past. If Miami really was a different place than when Jimmy Johnson’s teams used to show up for games in fatigues, then Donna Shalala should have suspended the stomper and the helmet-swinger for the entire season. And it shouldn’t have taken four days either. The announcement should have been made on Sunday morning. It was a no-brainer.


3. I know you love Brian Billick, so are you excited that Brian Billick is going to start calling the plays for the Ravens offense?
With Jim Fassel, the Ravens consisted of little more than two-yard Jamal Lewis runs and Steve McNair underthrowing every man, woman and child in the stadium.
Under Brian Billick it will be more of the same. Except with a hell of a lot more pinache.


4. Who do you see winning the NLCS and the World Series. And how awesome a manager is Jim Leyland?
Leyland is the Brian Billick of baseball.
I’m pretty hyped up about Game 7 of the NLCS tonight, even though I have little rooting interest. Mainly, I just want to see a tight battle that goes down to the wire. I said last night that if the Mets were able to win Game 6, they’d be impossible to beat in Game 7. But that was before I saw Oliver Perez was pitching. At that point, I switched my pick back to the Cardinals, where it stood for four seconds, upon which I discovered that Jeff Suppan was going for St. Louis. All of a sudden, we’re back to a toss-up.
On paper, there’s no way the Mets should lose. Their lineup is stacked from top-to-bottom, while the Cards have a guy with a red-goatee batting second. But strange things happen in baseball. I mean, it’s great the Tigers beat the Yankees, but the Yankees are still the better team. In the same vein, the Mets are better than the Cards, but that doesn’t mean St. Louis can’t eke out a win. Still, it feels like the Mets won the series last night by extending it to a full seven, so that’s who I’m going to pick.
That would make it a Detroit-New York World Series which is probably what most of the country (outside St. Louis) would like to see. I know FOX executives would. Detroit will have the longest layoff ever for a team entering the World Series and some say it could sap their momentum. Or it could give their pitchers the rest they need to dominate. (No matter what happens, people will blame the Tigers end-result on the layoff, by the way.) Let’s say it’s the latter; Tigers win the Series 4-2.

5. Where's the NHL preview?
Wait, what's this now? Are you making random acronyms again?

6. Any NFC/AFC off to poor start that you feel will make a run at the playoffs and conversely, any team off to a hot start that fall off as we get close to the halfway mark of the season?
First off, I like how you specified an NFC/AFC team in your question, as opposed to simply writing NFL. But I shant make too much fun of the query, because it’s a good one.
I sort of have the feeling you are goading me into choosing the Bears as the “hot team to fall off”, especially in light of the Mike Brown injury. But I won’t do it, Wolfman. I won’t. I can’t! They were due for a bad game and they had it against Arizona, and I think they got it out of their system for a bit. They’ll lose between two and four games, but as long as they get a bye, their regular season will be a success. (Not that having a bye the past two times they’ve made the playoffs has helped them advance, but you get the picture.)
Instead, I’m choosing the Rams as the fall-off team. Their defense is suspect, at best, and their ground attack has been surprisingly subpar. Steven Jackson is only averaging 3.9 yards per carry. Coupled with the inevitable Marc Bulger drop-off, and I think a 4-6 finish would be a success. Don’t get me wrong, I think Bulger is great (and I did predict a huge season for him), but that TD/INT ratio will come back down to normal, especially when the Rams play some actual teams, for a change. Except for their week 1 surprise against Denver (and, as we all know, week 1 results are more fluky than Minnesota Gubernatorial Elections), St. Louis has beat only Arizona, Detroit and Green Bay. Oh, and by a combined 11 points. Yes, they almost beat Seattle, but that was at home with Mercury Morris lining up in the backfield. Color me unimpressed.
As for the sleeper team, I’m going with the Washington Redskins. No, I’m playin’. Although I’m still not counting them out, this is neither the time nor the place. So let’s go with – hmmm… Looking at the NFL Standings, the only team that’s below .500 that has a realistic chance of turning their season around is the Steelers. And that’s a lame choice, so I’m not going to make it. Ahhh, this is tough. Screw it, I’ll say the Steelers and move on.

7. How bout the Deac football team? Is it more impressive that they are 6-1 or more maddening that they should be 7-0. Can you name 5 players on the team? Where do you see them finishing in the conference and what bowl do you see them playing?
Ha! Can I name five players. This should be interesting. OK, here goes: Ben Mauk, Micah Andrews, Joe Abbate, Arby Jones, Steve Vallos, Riley Skinner, Willie Idelette, Sam Swank, Josh Gattis. I think there’s a freshman named Boo and a WR with a really long last name. Oh, and is Chris Rolle still on the squad?
I don’t know if it’s good that I can name nine, or bad that I’m happy I can name nine. Hmm, weigh-in on that one.
But it’s definitely more maddening that they’re not 7-0. The Deacs had Clemson beat until the Tigers blocked a FG and ran it back for a TD. Even though that made the score 20-10, the game was over. When Matt Leinart fumbled on Monday night and the Bears returned it for their first TD, I said the same thing. Teams can’t afford to give points to superior teams. Whenever it happens, the weaker team loses, and that’s what happened with Wake. It was just so damn frustrating.
As we’ve discussed, it’s weird seeing Wake Forest football have any sort of success. I don’t really know how to feel about it. On one hand, I’m thrilled because my alma mater is ranked in a sport in which they traditionally play the role of a doormat. On the other, I feel a little phony because I’ve never been that big into Wake football and think of myself as a fair-weather fan now. In year’s past I would always check the results of Wake games, but because they were rarely on TV, didn’t get a chance to see them much. But now that they’re having a good season, they’re getting a little more coverage and I find myself taking the games much more seriously. Does this make me a bad person?
I suppose it’s normal though. I mean, I wasn’t living and dying with the Nationals this September because the games didn’t matter, much like you weren’t with the Cubbies. But had either of our teams been in a pennant race, it would have been nailbiting-time every night. Plus, when it’s a college team and it’s your alma mater, I think you sort of have carte blanche to jump on a bandwagon when it’s cruising down the highway. That’s the beauty of college athletics. You don’t have to be a fan to be a fan. I watched George Mason beat Connecticut to make the Final Four in a bar near George Mason. Nearly everybody there was cheering Mason on, but only a handful probably could have named a player. And I think that’s alright. It doesn’t piss me off like it does with professional sports.
Prediction time: Next week at UNC should be a win, which would take the squad to 7-1. Following that is a three-game stretch with BC and Virginia Tech at home and FSU on the road. Losing all three is probably the most likely result, but I have a feeling the Deacs will sneak out a W in one of them. (That second-to-last game against the Hokies could be it; why do I have the feeling that team has already quit on their season.) At least one of those games will be broadcast regionally by ABC and I’m always a believer that teams not used to a big stage play better on it (as evidenced by the near-win vs. Clemson). Assuming one victory, the Deacs will be 8-3 headed into their regular-season finale at Maryland on Thanksgiving weekend. I will be in attendance at that one to see the Deacs scratch out a hardfought victory and earn a bid to the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl.
If that happens, maybe we'll call up the old crew and get together for an Efird reunion in Nashville. Vogel could bring the Everclear, Connolly could bring the trashcans, Falkow could close-talk everyone, Obaza could ask everybody how old they want us to be and I'll bring Frank. And you, Wolfman? Just make sure to bring, and leave on, your pants.

The Chaz Rankings: Week 6

Man, looks like Wesley Snipes should have bet on H&R Block instead. If he lucks out, Donna Shalala will become a federal judge and handle his case, because that ignorant cow is all about no accountability and giving second, third and fourth chances.
In a remarkably short-sighted and unable-to-accurately-read-the-room-esque press release, Shalala, the Miami president, said that while the actions of the football team during their infamous brawl were wrong, their leniant punishments were totally fine. But, next time... Next time everybody will be sorry they embarrased the school and, once again, turned the university into a national laughingstock. So much for "careful cultivation," you money-grubbing jezzebel.
John Swofford turned the ACC into a joke the second he let in Virginia Tech, Miami and Boston College and all he has to show for it is a conference title game nobody cares about and that dumb woman spouting off about how now her school has zero tolerance. Way to take a stand, Poindexter. I wonder what the punishment would have been had Anthony Reddick pulled out a Glock on the field instead of swinging his helmet. Maybe he would have had his 7th floor privileges revoked.
Shalala is a complete joke, but a unfunny one like you'd find in a Dane Cook routine. That a commuter school with no national reputation and a football team that's only been playing Division 1A ball since 2002 took a harsher stance on the brawl than the heralded University of Miami is a fucking embarassment. One has to wonder if the 12 players involved (and didn't it seem like there were many more than 12 involved in that fight?) would have been suspended for an entire game had The U not been playing Duke this weekend. What if FSU were next up? Would Coker have held the players out for a series with Shalala's blessing?
Maybe I'm being a bit harsh though. After all, Shalala did "put it in writing" that Larry Coker would be responsible for his player's actions in the future. Nice timing, Ron Goldman.
Near the end of her pathetic statement, Shalala wrote, "this is not the old Miami. This is the new Miami. We've always known we can't make mistakes. We don't get a break." No, Donna. But you sure as hell give them.

1) Chicago Bears (6-0, Last week: #1)
2) San Diego Chargers (4-1, #2)
3) Denver Broncos (4-1, #3)
4) New England Patriots (4-1, #4)
5) Indianapolis Colts (5-0, #5)
6) New Orleans Saints (5-1, #9)
7) Seattle Seahawks (4-1, #11)
8) Carolina Panthers (4-2, #13)
9) New York Giants (4-2, #14)
10) Philadelphia Eagles (3-2, #7)
11) Baltimore Ravens (4-2, #8)
12) Jacksonville Jaguars (3-2, #16)
13) Dallas Cowboys (3-2, #12)
14) Atlanta Falcons (3-2, #10)
15) Cincinnati Bengals (3-2, #6)
16) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-3, #18)
17) St. Louis Rams (4-2, #17)
18) Minnesota Vikings (3-3, #19)
19) New York Jets (3-3, #20)
20) Washington Redskins (2-4, #15)
21) Kansas City Chiefs (2-3, #21)
22) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-4, #26)
23) Green Bay Packers (1-4, #27)
24) Tennessee Titans (1-5, #31)
25) San Francisco 49ers (2-4, #23)
26) Detroit Lions (1-5, #30)
27) Buffalo Bills (2-4, #22)
28) Arizona Cardinals (1-5, #24)
29) Houston Texans (1-4, #25)
30) Cleveland Browns (1-4, #29)
31) Miami Dolphins (1-5, #28)
32) Oakland Raiders (0-5, #32)

Monday Afternoon Cornerback

It's a good thing Daniel Snyder gave defensive coordinator Gregg Williams a multimillion dollar deal to stay on with the Redskins as defensive coordinator, because he's doing a heckuva job. Granted, the Redskins two run-stuffers in the middle were inactive with injury, but Williams defense was manhandled by a winless team helmed by a rookie. Not good, Gregg. Not good at all.
With the season now, likely, in the tank, the cries for a quarterback change in Washington will hit their crescendo. But calling for Jason Campbell is barking up the wrong tree. The offense, while not fully in snych, isn't the problem. A lack of pass rush, miserable play by the secondary and a general distaste for tackling is what has done the Redskins in. Dan Snyder threw millions at Andre Carter and Adam Archuleta, yet could have retained a better defense by throwing far less cash at incumbent defenders Walt Harris and Ryan Clark. Jason Campbell isn't the answer. Gregg Williams doing his job is.
The defense is hardly the only unit not pulling their weight. Danny Smith's special teams, as usual, were atrocious yesterday. In the 4th quarter, the Titans and Redskins had back-to-back three-and-out possessions. Tennessee began theirs on their own 27 and punted it to the Redskins 25. Three plays later the Redskins punted and the Titants returned the short kick to the Redskins 43. Two three-and-outs, resulting in a 30 yard net-gain for the Titans. That's inexcusable. I'd have said unacceptable, but clearly it is, as Frost has been pulling this kind of nonsense for the past 20 games.
On the following drive the Titans gained just 30 yards, but were able to kick what would become the game-winning field goal, all because of terrible special teams play. I wrote at the beginning of the season that the special teams would play a pivotal role in blowing at least two games for the Redskins this season. They did as much in week 1 when John Hall missed a makeable game-tying field goal as time expired. And this week, Frost's low shank did it again. Sadly, we're only through week 6, so my prediction will probably be too low.
The Washington Redskins are in deep trouble. After bursting to a 14-3 lead they were unable to mount any offensive charge and seemingly forgot about Clinton Portis. The defense couldn't make a stop on any third-down and let Travis Henry look like Earl Campbell.
It's easy to say the season is over (and believe me, I'm thinking it) but stranger things have happened. Remember, last year the team lost three straight to Tampa Bay, Oakland and San Diego (the last two at home) to drop to 5-6. Five wins later, they were in the playoffs. It's hard to see another such run on the horizon, but nobody thought we'd see one last year either.
The return of Cornelius Griffin and Joe S'alvea will help, as will the presence of a healthy Shawn Springs. Maybe when that happens, Gregg Williams will stop blitzing six and leaving linebackers downfield covering receivers. (Why is it that the Redskins are the only team in the NFL apparently unable to check-out of a blitz after such a play becomes obvious? Seriously, the 'Skins defense contains worse foreshadowing than an episode of Law & Order.) Derrick Frost needs to given his release immediately. And Andre Carter needs to find his explosiveness.
If these things happen, the Redskins can regain their dignity as a team and maybe make a run to the playoffs. If they continue to miss tackles on defense, give quarterbacks time to throw and fail to capitalize on opportunities, the season will end in disappointment. There's still time to turn things around though.

* On Thursday, Virginia Tech gets a verbal beatdown on national TV when a Hokie player is caught dancing on the sideline with his team down 20-3. Two days later, the Miami Hurricanes get into a physical beatdown with Florida International in a brawl that would endlessly replayed on national TV. I think I speak for all ACC alumni and fans when I say, man am I glad these two fine institutions are in our conference. Thanks, John Swofford!

* The Saints have "it" this year. I don't know what exactly "it" is, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with an eBay commercial. After blowing a 14-point lead against the Eagles yesterday and getting down 7 on the first play of the final quarter, the Saints seemed to have no chance to get back on top. But after a long TD to Joe Horn and a key sack of McNabb when the Eagles appeared to be driving for the go-ahead score, the Saints controlled the ball for the game's final 8:26, eventually kneeling at the end to set up a John Carney field goal.
As I often say on this blog, a team's season is dictated by a handful of plays. So far, the three biggest plays of the Saints season have all gone their way (the blocked punt TD against Atlanta, Reggie Bush's punt return TD and a penalty for 12 men on the field against the Eagles after a sack on 3rd down). The Saints are a good team, to be sure. But with things falling their way, they can be great.

* After week 2, the Bengals appeared to be the class of the NFL with their 2-0 record, while the Panthers were struggling at 0-2. Fast forward one month and the Panthers have rattled off four straight wins, while Cincy has lost two of three, including yesterday to the winless Bucs. This team needs a uniting event to bring them together. Maybe another Chris Henry arrest is just what they're looking for.

* Does anybody know why the NFL cut out week 10 byes, which forced them to give two additional byes to teams in this week and next? (There were six teams with byes yesterday instead of the normal four.)

Sunday Superlatives
Game of the Day: New Orleans 27 - Philadephia 24
Reggie Bush's numbers aren't great, but his presence on the field forces defenses to pay attention and that, along with Drew Brees, is why the Saints are a strong 5-1 and appear to be a force in the NFC Playoff race. And did you see Donovan after the game yesterday? He looked like the prom king immediately after he asked a band geek to dance and was rejected.

Upset of the Day: Tennesee 25 - Washington 22
Since I called the Bucs victory over Cincy, I can't much call that an upset, can I? The Redskins had no business dropping this one to the Titans. I'm normally a very superstitous person, but even I was openly discussing how the 'Skins needed to win by at least two touchdowns for their mental well-bring prior to the game. This one is inexcusable. And it's all on Gregg Williams. He better not be succeeding Joe Gibbs, is all I can say.

Faulk Fantasy Player of the Day: Torry Holt - 154 rec yds, 3 TD - 35 fantasy points
The most consistent fantasy receiver over the past half-decade isn't named Terrell, Randy or Marvin. And he's not named Charles Rogers either.
This one could have gone to LaDainian Tomlinson, but that would force me to reward Marty Schottenheimer, who inexplicably still had LDT in with five minutes left in a 41-19 game. I wish no injury on any player not named Donovan or Eli, but it would have served Schottenheimer right if LDT, Antonio Gates or Philip Rivers was hurt in garbage-time. (And I'm not one who criticized Marty for playing Drew Brees in that week 17 game last year.)

Boldin Fantasy Player of the Day: Joe Horn - 110 yds, 2 TD - 25 fantasy points
JoHo became a fantasy afterthought during last year's Saints barnstorming tour and even became downgraded for Marques Colston early this season. So for Horn to break out a huge game has to be relieiving to those that drafted him in the middle rounds and disconcerting to the player's whom he killed last season (cough cough).

Barlow Fantasy Bust of the Day: Willis McGahee - 66 rsh yds, 14 rec yds - 7 fantasy points
It's not the seven points that's disappointing, it's the fact that they came against one of the worst defenses in the NFL. McGahee owners had to be licking their chops thinking about Willis running all over Detroit's front four, but he did little in another Buffalo loss.

Predictions
My good streak of prognisticating continues, as I finished 9-3 on the afternoon. Breaking tradition, I picked the Falcons who, in turn, choked the game away, but did find success calling both the Bucs and Saints games. Had it not been for Josh Brown's 54-yard game winner, it would have been even better. As for my pick in the Wash/Tenn game... Let's just not talk about that one, hmm?

Who I Like Monday Night And I Don't Mean Dan Dierdorf
For such a lopsided match-up, I'm fairly excited about this one as it affords us the opportunity to see Matt Leinart make his home debut against the best defense in the NFL and one that is liable to maim him early on. The Bears are due for a letdown any week now, but I don't think it comes tonight, not against a rookie and not against a team with an offensive line as terrible as Arizona's.
Pick: Chicago 35 - Arizona 10

NFL Picks: Week 6

Buffalo at Detroit
On Thursday, Detroit received its earliest snowfall in history. The previous record was set on October 18, 1994, when Michael Irvin and the Cowboys were in town to play the Lions.
Pick: Detroit

Carolina at Baltimore
The Port of Baltimore celebrated its 300th anniversary this summer, making it the only thing in the city older than Steve McNair.
Pick: Carolina

New York Giants at Atlanta
Both overrated quarterbacks (and #1 overall draft picks) in this game - Elisha Manning and Michael Vick - were in a position to be drafted by the San Diego Chargers, yet each were pased on by the team. It says a lot about both that the Chargers don't regret either decision.
Pick: Atlanta

Houston at Dallas
Rich Harden is wearing short-sleeves right now in Game 3 of the ALCS, despite a 43 degree gametime temperature. He threw seven straight balls to start the game and now has runners on the corners with no outs with one run already in. Still, his choice of apparel was a better decision than most of Drew Bledsoe's throws.
Pick: Dallas

Tennessee at Washington
Just win the game, then we'll talk about trying to make a joke.
Pick: Washington

Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
I have no doubt Chris Simms was in tremendous pain after he ruptured his spleen a few weeks back. It certainly took a tough individual to continue playing football after such an injury. That being said, I'm not about to get all warm for Simms' form like everybody in the media because he played through the pain. Why? Because Simms knew that the second he let another quarterback on the field, he'd be out of a job. He was having one of the worst years of any quarterback in the NFL. He was a few series from getting benched. Therefore, Chris Simms knew he had to stay on the field at all costs to keep his starting spot. Survival is keen motivation; just ask those guys from Alive.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Seattle at St. Louis
In honor of former Rams head coach Mike Martz, I'm creating the Martz Move of the Week, to be given sporadically to a coach guilty of making an especially terrible move (or moves). The inagural award goes to Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer; he of the vastly overrated 4-2 Hokies.
After last night's beatdown by Boston College, Beamer's quarterback Sean Glennon said:

[Losing two straight] is just kind of like a shock. One minute, we're 4-0, we're ranked whatever we were, things are looking real good. Then we lose two, we may not be ranked anymore. It feels like a quick turnaround. It's really kind of degrading for our program, which we feel is a very strong program, to be shoved out of the limelight like that.

First of all, loser talk. All of it. Way to be a leader, moron. I mean, I suppose Glennon hasn't been arrested this season, which is more than most of his teammates can say, but still... Man up, sucker.
Secondly, what possibly made Glennon think things were looking "real good"? The four wins over Northeastern, North Carolina, Duke and Cincinnati? Did he think he was quarterbacking the basketball team, because unless that was the case, running over those weak-ass opponents is nothing to write home about. Not that any Virginia Tech football player can actually write, but you get the idea.
No, the blame for Glennon's attitude has to be placed on Beamer. A coach can't let his team get complacent, and that's exactly what the Hokies were, thanks to a cupcake schedule and generous voters. The mere fact the VT was ever ranked #11 shows how idiotic early-season polls are and why they would be abolished until week 6 in a perfect world.
Anyway, congratulations Frank Beamer. Enjoy the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl.
Pick: St. Louis

Philadelphia at New Orleans
Q: What do Donovan McNabb and Sarah Jessica Parker have in common?
A: They're both ugly, but at least SJP has a ring.
Pick: New Orleans

San Diego at San Francisco
Since this game doesn't figure to be close, I thought I'd instead pick who'd win a fight between San Diego's Ron Burgundy and San Francisco's own Danny Tanner. On paper, Burgundy figures to have the advantage, what with his massive ubulus and upper dorsinus muscles. But after getting worked over for a bit by Burgundy's guns, I'd expect Danny Tanner to pour some Windex in his eyes and beat him down with a Swiffer, while Uncle Jesse throws a lit aerosal hairspray container in the air and plays an acoustic version of "Forever".
Pick: San Diego

Kansas City at Pittsburgh
Prediction from a first-grader attending this game: Steelers 14 - Chiefs 7. Before putting down money on his pick, it's important to note he walked around with his shirttail hanging out of his fly for most of the day.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Miami at New York Jets
I can commiserate with Nick Saban's current quarterback quandry, as I am going through something very similar in my own life. Except, instead of debating about whether to start a high-priced, high-excitement yet, ultimately, underachieving quarterback over one who had his shot and was ousted, my crisis is with my razor. Yes friends, I'm having my mid-razor crisis.
When Gillette announced plans for their five-blade Fusion, I was as giddy as Michael Irvin in a Colombian drug-den. But when the Fusion was finally released and I unleashed it's five-bladed goodness on my delicate face, I was left wanting more. The jump from three to five blades should have exponentially raised my shave's comfort level. Instead, I was left wondering if my shaving experience had actually regressed.
Figuring I had been expecting too much, I told myself I would give the Fusion another chance. I did. Again. And again. And I'm still not pleased. Then, I was left without my Fusion for a few days and was forced to go back to the Mach 3 Turbo for a handful of shaves. And just like a reunion with an ex-girlfriend, I was washed away in the euphoria of a past love. Where the Fusion was thick and bulky, the Turbo was thin and sleek. Where the Fusion gets caught on even the shortest stubble, the Turbo effortlessly glides through the densest brush. So, I'm pulling a Saban and benching my superstar. The only difference is, me and my Turbo could probably beat the Jets.
Pick: New York Jets

Oakland at Denver
Glitter, glisten, gloss, floss,
the Raiders get flagged like they Betsy Ross.
Pick: Denver

Last Week: 11-3
Season: 56-20

SoriaNO

Based on quotes by Nats special assistant Jose Rijo, a Dominican newspaper is reporting Alfonso Soriano has rejected a five-year, $70 million deal from Washington's baseball team. Meanwhile, Nationals GM Stan Kasten denies all reports and is claiming Rijo denies giving any information - including quotes - to the paper.
To which I say... Howzat? What's the real story here?
A Dominican newspaper certainly isn't the most reputable source to get MLB news, but the AP decided the story was solid enough to reprint, as did every major sports news outlet in the country. The report also was worthy of a denial from the Nationals' top brass, which perhaps gives it more credence (albeit, in a round-about sort of way).
Still, I doubt it's true, if only because I doubt Jose Rijo is dumb enough to be giving on-the-record quotes to a foreign newspaper. Plus, The Washington Post suggests Rijo might not even be privy to the Soriano negotiations. This, however, assumes Jim Bowden has enough self-control to not yap about said negotiations to a guy like Rijo. (When a non-rap star voluntary chooses to wear velour jumpsuits, one can never rule out anything.)
I'm a little concerned about Kasten's non-denial denial though. In the Post article he never flat-out says, "this is untrue," instead going with the more-ambiguous "I do not believe this report." He doesn't believe it? People don't believe in the tooth fairy. I didn't realize contract negotiations required an act of faith.
If Soriano did, indeed, reject the contract, his agent would be up their with the Poston brothers in the incompetence department. Even if Soriano has no intention of staying in D.C. his agent, Diego Bentz, would have to keep them in the loop, if just to use their offers to raise Soriano's price higher for other teams. It's Negotiating 101. Jim Bowden should know that class; he failed it twice.
Let's chalk this one up to irresponsible journalism or really shoddy translating and assume Soriano hasn't ruled out re-signing with the Nationals. Nope, he'll wait to do that until George Steinbrenner panics and offers him twice his market value to replace Gary Sheffield.

Update: (9:55 p.m.) Apparently Rijo made these statements in an interview with a San Cristobal radio station. The interviewer insists Rijo said the Nats wouldn't sign Soriano for economic reasons but Rijo continued his denial. More and more, it's looking to me like Rijo slipped up and forced the Nats to go into damage control mode. Like I said earlier, we'll never know because there's always been almost no shot Soriano would stay in the first place. But hey - at least Bowden has Cristian Guzman locked up for two more years. Idiot.

The Chaz Rankings: Week 5

1) Chicago Bears (5-0, Last week: #1)
Let's end the kooky talk; the Bears aren't going 16-0. They are, without a doubt, the best team in the NFL at the moment, but 16-0 takes a combination of a great defense (check), a consistent, mistake-free offense (half-a-check) and luck (the x-factor). The Bears will lose at least two games this season in low-scoring affairs when a crucial turnover or flukey play (punt return, reverse, blown coverage on deep pass) will be the determining factor.
As of now, Chicago is the favorite to win the Super Bowl. But a quick look back to the week 5 Chaz Rankings in '04 and '05 show Philly and Indy as the early favorites and we all know what happened to those ringless bastards. (Plus, it's way too early to bring up 16-0 talk in the first place. Just like with DiMaggio's hitting streak, it's only acceptable to bring up a streak when a player or team has made it halfway. In this case, the Bears chatter would start in a month - and it very well could, with games against the Cardinals, 49ers and Dolphins on the horzion. For the record, I think Lovie Smith's squad makes it to 10-0 before losing in New York to the Jets in a trap game one week before what will be a heavily-anticipated match-up with New England. (I'd imagine that game will be shifted to NBC's Sunday Night coverage, unless FOX uses a veto. And shouldn't that be on TV; the selection of Sunday Night games? You know you'd watch it.)

2) San Diego Chargers (3-1, #8)
Having a Marty Schottenheimer-coached team this high is sort of like naming a Pauley Shore-led film as an Oscar candidate, but it's tough to argue with San Diego after they smaked around the defending champs and should have beat the Ravens in Baltimore.
Philip Rivers is looking more and more comfortable in the pocket and with LDT and Gates starting to play up to their ultra-high level, along with a no-nonsense defense, the Chargers and Broncos will make things very interesting in the West.
Last thing: Why didn't anyone criticize Shawne Merriman for his goaline whiff on Todd Heap last weeeknd? This is supposed to be the defensive player of the year, but he can't make an easy game-saving tackle on the goaline? I don't care if he has 30 sacks this season, Merriman blew a game and, therefore, deserves no postseason accolades.

3) Denver Broncos (3-1, #9)
You're 2-1 and coming off a huge win against football's team of the decade and winning in a national TV matchup against the most stout defense in the league. So, of course, there's questions as to who should play quarterback. I'm no fan of Jake Plummer (especially since he has forsaken us all with his facial hair additions), but he has three wins this year, which is a lot more than anybody can say about Jay Cutler.

4) New England Patriots (4-1, #4)
They're winning with smoke and mirrors. But at least they're winning.

5) Indianapolis Colts (5-0, #2)
Yes, I dropped the Colts despite a win and a 5-0 record. But I just can't take a team seriously when they give up 214 yards rushing to a team that had a total of 282 in their first four games.

6) Cincinnati Bengals (3-1, #5)
When teams have byes, it's almost like they cease to exist in my consciousness for that week. For instance, without Michael Vick playing a game this week, the thought of him calling plays with a huge cold sore on his mouth wasn't even on my radar. Luckily, though, Chad Johnson was still at the forefront of my mind because of those awesome new Sportscenter commercials he's in. It's been a while since one of those ads made me laugh, but that one manages. It's no Happy Hour, mind you, but it's somethin.

7) Philadelphia Eagles (4-1, #7)
I'm sensing a Donovan appearance on the cover of Sports Illustrated this week; figuring the mag will wait to feature the Tigers or A's until next week's World Series Preview issue. Actually, I'm more hoping for a Donovan cover than anything because after he and T.O. were all buddy-buddy back in September of '05, it was a mere three weeks before everything went to hell in the city of Brotherly Love.
The Eagles are a better team than they were last year and could easily end up as the NFCs representative in the Super Bowl. But I wouldn't bet on it.

8) Baltimore Ravens (4-1, #3)
This team is like the '00 version in defense only. With Jamal Lewis looking like an end-of-career Earl Campbell and Steve McNair one week from getting permanently added to the injury list with 27 different ailments, I'd be worried if I was a Ravens fans. But if I was a Ravens fan I'd just drink a few Budweisers, smoke Marlboro Reds and begin my countdown 'til Preakness instead of wasting my time worrying.

9) New Orleans Saints (4-1, #15)
A lot of discussion this week has cenetered around whether or not the Saints are for real, and I'm here to give you the definitive answer: It doesn't matter. In a 16-game season things like emotion, energy, momentum and sense of entitlement play a huge role in determining which teams play in the postseason and which teams watch at home. Whenever these Saints step foot in the Superdome, they don't think they should win, they don't hope they can win; they know that they are going to win.
New Orleans isn't the best team in the NFC and if they played their entire schedule on a neutral field they might not crack six wins. But they're playing with a purpose for the first time in the franchise's existence. They want to win for more than themselves and their coaches, they want to win for the people of New Orleans. And with that motivation, expect to see Reggie Bush and company in the playoffs.

10) Atlanta Falcons (3-1, #6)
I can barely remember if I ate lunch today, and I'm expected to write something about a team that hasn't played in nine days? Ha!

11) Seattle Seahawks (3-1, #16)
Ditto.

12) Dallas Cowboys (2-2, #10)
I've been yapping for years about how Roy Williams is garbage at safety and how his reputation was carved from big hits caused by being helplessly out of position. Defending against the run, Williams was always average, at best. Against the pass, however, Williams was simply terrible. He showed this in the Cowboys' two losses to the Redskins last year and also in an '05 meeting with Seattle when Darrell Jackson beat him so bad he looked like Ken Hamlin after a night out.
Thankfully, the mainstream announcers are finally getting on board and realizing they overrated Williams from the get-go. This line of thinking was helped out tremendously on Sunday when Donovan McNabb, Hank Baskett (?) and Reggie Brown abused Williams and made him look like a fool, particularly on the go-ahead flea-flicker TD that should have been easily picked by Williams who, instead, turned around and watched the ball fall into Brown's hands.
My favorite moment of the Cowboys game was trying to read T.O.'s lips when he came off the field. After Drew Bledsoe's last-minute interception, Owens ran over to receivers coach Todd Haley and screamed "why the fuck am I here?", indicating that if he's going to line-up on the line of scrimmage, the quarterback has to look his way on the final drive. And, for once, I had to agree with him.

13) Carolina Panthers (3-2, #12)
I don't think I've seen a single Panthers play this season.

14) New York Giants (2-2, #21)
Cris Collinsworth picked Eli Manning as his player of the day on Sunday. Elisha wasn't even the player of his unit, yet Collinsworth picked him as the best player to play in an NFL game. Maybe Eli threatened to sit-out the season if Collinsworth had chosen, say, a deserving player like Reggie Bush.

15) Washington Redskins (2-3, #11)
I'm chalking up the Redskins loss to a lack of execution. There were a handful of plays (Carlos Rogers' missed interception (seriously, Carlos, it's time to give Ricky Dudley his hands back and catch the damn ball), Clinton Portis' dropped screen, the failed 3rd-and-1 pass to Chris Cooley, John Hall's miss, a questionable push-out call on an Amani Toomer 3rd-and-16 reception and various missed tackles and missteps on huge third-down conversions) that determined the outcome of the game. The Giants had extreme success on these so-called "big" plays, while the Redskins didn't. And that's what determind the outcome of this game.
Yeah, the secondary is brutal (Ahmad Carroll would be an improvement over Mike Rumph, and that's saying something) and Andre Carter and Adam Archuleta are worthless, but the defense still had a modicum of success in the Giants game to build on. I'm concerned with Gregg Williams' schemes, but the defense always seems to right itself later in the year.
Offensively, I have little problem with the way the team performed on Sunday. Except for a few blown assignments at the line and some miscommunication on route-running, the Redskins really didn't play all too terribly. In the end, I think the Giants just needed the game more and played accordingly.
The 'Skins will recover with a home win this weekend over Tennessee then head to Indy to play a suddenly-vunerable Colts team before their bye week. 4-3 isn't out of the question and 3-4 would hardly be disastrous.
And early reports indicate I have gotten my long-awaited wish and John Hall will be replaced by Nick Novak as early as tomorrow morning. I guess I'll have to yell at myself instead of Danny Smith should Novak screw up (which I don't think he will).
There will be plenty of opportunities to panic in Washington if the Redskins should stumble this weekend or start dropping intradivisional homegames, but today isn't one of them. Chalk up the loss to bad execution against a hungry team and move on.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2, #13)
The Wolfman asks this question seemingly every year: Are the Jags just a team that beats up on teams they should yet can't top any team they shouldn't? I'm leaning towards "yes."

17) St. Louis Rams (4-1, #17)
Following an ugly week 1 win over Denver, the Rams then lost to San Francisco. They followed that with three straight (narrow) wins over Arizona, Detroit and Green Bay. Sorry if I'm not booking hotel rooms in Miami yet for Marc Bulger's crew.

18) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-3, #14)
The Steelers aren't worse than the Rams, but a lone win against one of the sorriest teams in football isn't exactly reason for those in the Steel City to feel optimistic today. But because tough early schedules have a way of turning into easy late schedules, it's not too late for Pittsburgh. (Indeed, in the next eight weeks Pittsburgh will face Kansas City, Cleveland, Oakland and Tampa.)

19) Minnesota Vikings (3-2, #19)
It shouldn't take 23 unanswered 4th quarter points to beat the Lions. It just shouldn't.

20) New York Jets (2-3, #18)
I'm guessing the Jags defense was a little upset after giving up 36 to the Redskins last weekend, because they were still throwing their bodies all over the place late in the game Sunday to preserve the shutout.

21) Kansas City Chiefs (2-2, #23)
Damon Huard, perhaps I was wrong about you. But only perhaps.

22) Buffalo Bills (2-3, #20)
Quick, who leads the AFC in rushing? If Willis McGahee was your answer you either read it in the paper today or currently have your pants on fire.

23) Arizona Cardinals (1-4, #25)
I'm sort of looking forward to Matt Leinart facing the Bears defense next Monday night, the same way a vet looks forward to putting down a puppy.

24) San Francisco 49ers (2-3, #26)
In the 5th round of my fantasy draft I needed to draft a 4th RB (dont' ask) that would get me a dependable six or seven points a game. Figuring Frank Gore could blow-up, but assuming he'd be hampered by the Niners terrible offense, I went with a player I thought would be a sure thing: Chris Brown.
The moral of the story: Never listen to anything I say.

25) Houston Texans (1-3, #22)