But I Only Took 34 Vicodin

Much like my idol Terrell Owens, I spent some time this week in a hospital. The only difference is, my publicist isn't a gum-chewing, cliche-spewing moron. Oh, and I only have about 8,624 reasons to live.
After a brief procedure this morning and convincing my doctor to release me today, I'm doing fine but will spend the rest of the afternoon laying on the couch and catching up on Season 2 of Lost.

Quick picks for the week:
Atlanta over Arizona
Dallas over Tennessee
Indianapolis over New York Jets
Houston over Miami
Minnesota over Buffalo;
Carolina over New Orleans
Baltimore over San Diego
Kansas City over San Francisco
St. Louis over Detroit
Cleveland over Oakland
Jacksonville over Washington
Cincinnati over New England
Chicago over Seattle

Last Week: 12-2
Season: 34-14

T.O.D.?

Hmmm, don't think anybody saw this one coming. I wonder if Peter King still thinks Dallas signing Terrell Owens was a great move.
I'm not sure what to make of the reported suicide attempt by Terrell Owens. For starters, should we even believe the internal Dallas police report that is entirely based on speculation and heresay? At this moment (2:00 p.m. on Wednesday) there are four facts supporting the suicide theory: 1) Owens reportedly told police he had only taken five of his 40 pain pills prior to last night. When police found him, the bottle was empty. 2) Owens went to the hospital where doctors attempted to induce vomiting. 3) Owens' publicist allegedley told a 911 dispatcher that he had attemped suicide. If this alleged attempt were a criminal trial, the jury wouldn't convict. Yet, all these facts appeared in a sworn statement. Interesting, to say the least.
This is not to say that Owens didn't try to kill himself though. All the denials from his publicist and friends (including Deion Sanders, himself a member of the 'attempted suicide' club) contain the normal spin but don't include any hard answers like where all of Owens' other pills went (I'm looking in Michael Irvin's general direction or maybe T.O. had to give Drew Rosenhaus 10%) and why he told police that he was trying to harm himself.
Either way, the suicide reports came from somewhere. Say what you will about the reliability of the mainstream media, but there's no way any reputable news outlet would be running these stories if they were any ambiguities in the police report. This isn't like the Duke lacrosse case where it's a matter of he said/she said. In this case it's he said/he said. Owens told police he was trying to harm himself so, even if it accidental, he brought the suicide talk upon himself. (As did his publicist.) Maybe he attempted it, maybe he didn't. Either way though, I'd say it was highly unlikely that Owens actually planned on dying last night.
The timeline is still a little hazy, but early reports indicate Owens ingested the pills at 7:30 and his publicist called 911 at 7:47. What kind of person tries to kill himself when they know that somebody is coming over 15 minutes later? (For that matter, what kind of person with a publicist tries to kill himself?) That's like trying to hang yourself from a twig.
Maybe I'll chime in with more after T.O. appears in front of the press in 75 minutes. One on hand, I feel bad for him and don't want to make jokes because he's obviously not a mentally healthy individual. (Perhaps he repeatedly hit his head on his driveway while doing crunches.) But, on the other hand, this is exactly what T.O. wanted, whether it was an actual suicide attempt, a cry for help or a publicity/sympathy stunt. His name is in the news. Everybody's talking about him. He's once again on center stage.

Update (4:15 p.m.): Well, that was a sham. T.O.'s press conference, where he denied a suicide attempt, depression, police reports and the moon landing was quite a spectacle. Owens himself performed admirably and came across as somewhat believable.
His publicist, on the other hand, looked like a 3rd grader giving an oral report on a book he had never read. She had her arms crossed as she walked to the podium, kept fidgeting in her chair and issued non-denial denials for the entire four or five minutes she was on stage. She also used the words "um", "like" and "you know" like she was a reject from Laguna Beach.
How this woman got to a publicist is beyond me. At one point she said she didn't remember taking pills out of Owens' mouth, as she claimed to police. And when asked whether T.O. had ever told her he was depressed, she said, "he has $25 million reasons to be alive." That line was as canned as a Jim Nantz Masters call.
Remember, the police have no reason to lie about this. And the 911 transcript, which will likely surface soon, will be evidence that Ethridge thought T.O. was trying to kill himself. Whether that was a correct assumption, perhaps we'll never know. But we do know Ethridge didn't speak one word of truth in the press conference today. All I can say is, Shawna from Entourage never would have let this shit happen.
So, after two press conferences (the other was by the Cowboys and Bill Parcells) we are still no closer to the truth than we were before. I'm inclined to believe Owens didn't try to kill himself. But I can almost guarantee his publicist thought he had. Evidently, Owens had told her he was depressed before and that contributed to this. Her lame showing at the press conference did nothing to convince me otherwise.
This story gets more bizarre by the minute. It's been a fascinating day with some excellent highlights.
#3) After about 25 questions on T.O.'s status, none of which Bill Parcells could answer, an unnamed reporter asking the coach how Terry Glenn's injury was. Parcells caught himself before giving his standard, "fellas, you know about this situation as much as I do," response and had to have the reporter repeat the query.
#2) Mark Schlereth defending his statement that this incident wouldn't affect the Cowboys because he "had gone through very similar situations" during his playing career. Yes, Mark. That time Terrell Davis took too many asprin for his migraine was exactly like this. We get it. You played football. Good for you. But you never dealt with anything like this in your playing career. Nobody has. And this is why it's such a big story.
#1) It's given Michael Irvin the chance to talk about how he "knows the Dallas Police Department well" and get asked if he took any "supplements" while playing.
One last thing: At the end of his press conference, Owens took time out to thank, among others, the Dallas Police Department. A P.R. move, definitely. But if the lied in their sworn statement as T.O.'s publicist claims, shouldn't Owens be readying a lawsuit instead of extending his gratitude?

The Chaz Rankings: Week 3 - 'Pac Style

This September marks the 10th anniversary of the "death" of 2pac. I put death in quotes because I still think 'Pac is chillin' in the Dominican, drinking Hennessey, smoking blunts and throwing boat parties that would make Fred Smoot blush. But that's neither here nor there.
Either way, it's been ten years since 2pac left us and to commerate, today's Chaz Rankings will pay tribute to the greatest rapper of all-time.
Each team is ranked alongside the 'Pac song that best represents them. And while I was a little upset 2pac never recorded a song entitled, "Crybaby, Overthrowing Daddy's Boy," I tried to make it work anyway.

1) Cincinnati Bengals (3-0, Last week: #4)
2 of Americaz Most Wanted
You’ll be surprised to know that picking a 2pac song to define the Bengals was about as difficult as picking a Judy Garland tune to characterize Derek Jeter.

2) Chicago Bears (3-0, #2)
The Super Bowl Shuffle
Little known fact: After producers determined Walter Payton’s rap wasn’t up to the level of Willie Gaults and William Perry’s, they dubbed in a new vocal performed by a 14-year old from Baltimore. His name? Tupac Shakur.

3) Indianapolis Colts (3-0, #5)
White Man’s World
At least until the playoffs… Right, Peyton?

4) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1, #1)
U Don’t Have 2 Worry
Playing on the road after a short week, the Jags handled the Colts for the first half and were done in by a plethora of mistakes in the second. They might not be the best team in the AFC, but there’s still time.

6) Baltimore Ravens (3-0, #3)
When We Ride On Our Enemies
The last thing Ravens fans want to hear are “ride”, “enemies” and “Ray Lewis” in the same sentence because the last time that happened…

7) San Diego Chargers (2-0, #7)
California Love
The Bolts are the only Cali team with a record over .500.

8) Denver Broncos (2-1, #21)
Y’all Don’t Know Us
Denver loses to St. Louis, struggles with a Damon Huard-led Chiefs team and then comes out and dismantles the defending AFC East champs. No, I don’t know them at all.

9) Philadelphia Eagles (2-1, #12)
Check Out Time
Usually the middle of the 4th quarter for the Eagles, maybe a little earlier if it’s the playoffs.

10) New England Patriots (2-1, #9)
Lie To Kick It
2pac said, “you ain’t gotta lie to kick it.” But maybe Stephen Gostkowski should try, ‘cause the truth sure ain’t helpin too much.

11) New Orleans Saints (2-1, #14)
Still I Rise
Wow; the Saints laid a beatdown on Atlanta last night. It just shows what the emotion of watching Billie Joe Armstrong perform can do.

12) Atlanta Falcons (3-0, #6)
Brenda’s Got A Baby
And there’s about a 75% chance its Michael Vick’s.
(About this ranking: I’ve never been a big fan of the Mora-led Falcons but, honestly, I don’t think the ’66 Packers would have won in the Superdome last night. Everybody who picked Atlanta totally underestimated how much the sense of occasion and rabid crowd would play into the Saints' hands. I’m still not sold on Atlanta, but they can’t be criticized too much for the loss. Except for Michael Vick. Because he looked f-in terrible.)

11) Minnesota Vikings (2-1, #11)
Starin’ Through My Rear View
Replace the word “through” with “at” and “my” with “the” and then add-on “of two strippers performing a full-contact lap dance” at the end, and you’ll sum up Fred Smoot’s Friday nights.

12) Seattle Seahawks (3-0, #13)
I’m Gettin Money
That’s what Shaun Alexander has been saying to himself when deciding whether to hit the snooze or go workout these past few weeks.

13) Dallas Cowboys (1-1, #16)
Picture Me Rollin’
Reports out of Dallas indicate Bill Parcells is contemplating retirement once again. Frankly, I don’t think I can bare another winter of “will they or won’t they” stories about Parcells, Roger Clemens and Brett Favre. One of them, I could withstand. All three? That might kill me. Maybe Parcells could eat the other two. Yeah, that could work.

14) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2, #8)
Blasphemy
Maybe it’s time to give Big Ben a breather. But only for a little, just to see how it feels.

15) St. Louis Rams (2-1, #20)
Keep Ya Head Up
Because you never quite know just when Kurt Warner will fumble and hand you a football game of a silver platter.

16) Carolina Panthers (1-2, #23)
Panther Power
It’s fitting that the one Carolina player who has most exemplified Pac’s “Panther Power” is kicker John Kasay.

17) Washington Redskins (1-2, #22)
Under Pressure
Mark Brunell throws for 22 straight completions. George Steinbrenner is said to be interested in signing the 36-year old signal caller to play third base in the playoffs.

18) New York Jets (2-1, #18)
Hail Mary
When Chad Pennington does his, he only gets to “full of grace” before his arm gives out.

19) New York Giants (1-2, #10)
Mama’s Just a Little Girl
And so is Eli Manning.

21) Buffalo Bills (1-2, #17)
Thug Passion
I’m not exactly sure how one defines “thug passion,” but I do know J.P. Losman exemplifies it. As do me and my buddy Falkow in this pic from sophomore year of college (right).

22) Arizona Cardinals (1-2, #15)
I Wonder If Heaven Got A Ghetto
Because Edgerrin James knows for damn sure there ain’t one in Phoenix.

23) San Francisco 49ers (1-2, #19)
Hold On, Be Strong
Frankly, 49ers coaches would just be happy if Frank Gore could take care of the former.

24) Miami Dolphins (1-2, #24)
Changed Man
Twenty-one months ago, Daunte Culpepper finished one of the greatest statistical seasons for a quarterback in football history. Today, he’s barely holding off Joey Harrington.

25) Green Bay Packers (1-2, #28)
Toss It Up
This will be the name of the Lifetime Original Movie about Brett Favre’s life, starring Haley Joel Osmont. Ed Hochuli’s forearms will appear as themself.

26) Kansas City Chiefs (0-2, #25)
When Thugz Cry
The Chiefs no longer have to worry about dealing with this, as Dick Vermeil retired after last season.

27) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3, #26)
Whatz Ya Phone #
Said Jon Gruden today to Jeff George, Akili Smith, Ryan Leaf and, presumably, Y.A. Tittle.

28) Cleveland Browns (0-3, #27)
Strugglin’
Romeo Crennel should really think about signing Suge Knight (in red jacket).

29) Houston Texans (0-3, #30)
Young Black Male
Pick one and I guarantee he'll play better than Mario Williams.

30) Detroit Lions (0-3, #29)
Point the Finga
Most Lions fans have already done this towards Matt Millen. And a good majority of them have done so with the finger located in-between the index and the ring.

31) Tennessee Titans (0-3, #31)
Krazy
Apparently Pac got spelling tips from Vince Young.

32) Oakland Raiders (0-2, #32)
Pour Out A Little Liquor
Because Art Shell's coaching comeback has been slain. Puffy is claiming his innocence.

Monday Afternoon Cornerback

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Eli throws picks, while his pal, Plax, be sittin.
Skins win a game without Mr. Shawn Springs,
these are a few of my favorite things.

Brady gets down and his comeback proves futile,
when I woke up this morning I ate toaster streudle.
Southeast Jerome runs around like a king,
these are a few of my favorite things.

Big Ben is beat like in m'cycle crashes.
Matt Millen's squad is reduced to mere ashes.
The Eagles do win but they still have no rings,
these are a few of my favorite things.

When the D bites,
when C.P. stings,
when Joe's feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things
and then I don't feeeeeeeeel sooo bad.

Sunday Thoughts
* If you had told Bill Cowher before the game his defense would hold Chad Johnson to one catch and Rudi Johnson to 47 yards, while his own back, Willie Parker, would have 133 and 2 TD, he'd have probably bet his mustache trimmer the Steelers would beat the Bengals. But strange things happen when Ben Roethlisberger does his best Chris Simms impersonation and now the Steelers are in an early hole and we're actually forced to ponder the question: Should Cowher have stuck with Charlie Batch for a little while longer to give his Super Bowl-winning youngster some more recovery time?

* Maybe there is some truth to this Madden Curse. And, I had been waiting to do this, but... I told you so.

* It's probably a good idea to hold off on the Bears/Ravens Super Bowl talk. Baltimore looked absolutely atrocious against a terrible Browns team and the Bears (from what I hear), struggled mightily in their last-minute win against the Vikings. Although that could be more of a sign of the Vikings for-realness.

* The Seahawks destruction of New York is no more indicative of their talent than their 9-6 opening week win over Detroit was an indication of their mediocrity. Joe Buck had Seattle tabbed as the best team in the NFL after they whomped on the Giants for 30 minutes. But, let's think about this for a second... Who hasn't beat-up on New York this year?
Indy systematically picked them apart, the Eagles dominated for three quarters before Andy Reid went Nicholson-at-the-end-of-Cuckoo's-Nest and the only reason yesterday's score was respectable is because Elisha Manning was trying to avoid having to deal with Archie and his belt afterwards. (Is there a better garbage-time QB than Eli Manning? If he and A. Rod could extrapolate their stats from meaningless situations over a full season, they'd break every record in the book.)

* The Dolphins? Whoooooooo - they ain't too good.

Sunday Superlatives
Game of the Day: Carolina 26 - Tampa Bay 24
Come on... Deep down we all know Jon Gruden's a little happy that Chris Simms is likely done for the year. And what happened to the Panthers defense?

Upset of the Day: Denver 17 - New England 7
Tom Brady might have three Super Bowl rings, but he can't seem to beat Jake Plummer. Maybe he's jealous that Plummer played in a Rose Bowl while Brady once went to the Capital One Bowl.

Player of the Day: John Kasay
Ryan Leaf Player of the Day: Ben Roethlisberger
Faulk Fantasy Player of the Day: Clinton Portis (27 fantasy points)
Boldin Fantasy Player of the Day: Jon Kitna (26 fantasy points)
Barlow Fantasy Player of the Day: Chad Johnson (1 fantasy point)

Who I Like On Monday Night And I Certainly Don't Mean That Smug Fool Bono
It's wonderful that New Orleans has recovered enough to host a major sporting event and that said sporting event is sold out. Clearly, a lot of work has yet to be completed (or even started), but this is a step in the right direction for the city.
That being said, let me play the role of "parade rainer" for a minute: While the symbolism involved in the Saints return is a great story, let's not overemphasize the impact the actual team has on the community.
New Orleans' games were repeatedly blacked out on local television throughout this decade because the team didn't sell-out the Superdome. In the year before Katrina, the team sold only 86% of its seats and games were often played in front of a half-empty stadium. Owner Tom Benson has entertained the notion of moving the team for years. New Orleans might love the Saints now, but they didn't even support them before.
Their return is great for the city and it will be an emotional night within the most infamous hurricane shelter ever. But it's not the return of football that's important, it's the return of normalcy. For three hours people will forget that their homes were destroyed, that their friends and relatives died and that much of the city hasn't even been cleaned. They'll laugh at how the Texans passed up Reggie Bush and thank their lucky stars Aaron Brooks is playing on the west coast. For once, the hurricane won't be on everyone's mind, if only for a little. ESPN will try to make tonight about how the Saints are returning to the city that loves them. If that's the truth, New Orleans had a funny way of showing it.
On paper this game isn't close. New Orleans, while 2-0, has struggled against two terrible teams prior to their big Monday night home opener (Cleveland and Green Bay - thanks, NFL scheduling committee) and Atlanta has been impressive, racking up 302 yards in rushing last weekend. Along with a solid defense, it wouldn't be unreasonable to think Atlanta will win this game by at least two touchdowns.
But emotion does something to athletes, particularly football players. I'm reminded of the Giants playing their first game after the death of owner Wellington Mara and administering a 36-0 beatdown on a solid Redskins team. Much like the 'Skins that day, it might be tough for the Falcons to get as fired up as usual with all the pre-game festivities and tributes. It'd be almost inhuman to not feel some kind of emotion for the Katrina victims and it has to be difficult to play such a violent game while feeling a bit of compassion for the 65,000 people in the stands.
Tonight also marks the national TV debut of Reggie Bush. I can't help but think back to Bo Jackson's first appearance on the big stage, when he ran for 221 yards and famously bulldozed Brian Bosworth in just his fifth NFL game. I have a sneaking suspicion Reggie will do something just as memorable tonight.
New Orleans 27 - Atlanta 24

NFL Picks: Week 3

Washington at Houston
Speaking at the United Nations this week, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reaffirmed his stance that the holocaust never happened and refused to halt his nation's nuclear program. His most controversial statement came, however, when he declared taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush was the right choice.
Pick: Washington

Baltimore at Cleveland
Do Browns fans still spend all their time hating on the Ravens or are they too busy stealing people's wheelchairs to care?
Pick: Baltimore

New York Jets at Buffalo
A match-up between two of the original AFL teams from the '60s. Coincidentally, alsos a match-up of two quarterbacks who throw like they're in their 60's.
Pick: New York Jets

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Maybe it's because I'm a little hungover, but I'm having so much trouble coming up with a joke that involves Carson Palmer's knee, Chad Johnson's mohawk and Joey Porter's pitbull. Too many elements maybe? Nahh, I think I'm just slippin.
Pick: Cincinnati

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
If the Jaguars beat the Colts in Indy, ESPN football expert Mike Golic still says he won't consider them the favorites in the AFC. That's fine with me, because even if Mike Golic splits the atom, I still won't consider him an "expert" in anything.
Pick: Indianapolis

Tennessee at Miami
In last week's loss to San Diego, Kerry Collins had a QB rating of 1.3, or .3 higher than Vince Young's Wonderlic score.
Pick: Miami

Chicago at Minnesota
I was a little dismayed this week to hear Bears QB Rex Grossman is not Jewish. I figured on this, the weekend of the Jewish New Year, FOX could have invited Denis Leary to their booth to celebrate.
Pick: Chicago

Carolina at Tampa Bay
After this game, one of these teams will be 0-3. And by "one of these teams" I mean Tampa.
Pick: Carolina

Green Bay at Detroit
Last week, Vikings kicker Ryan Longwell became the first NFL player since George Blanda to throw for the tying touchdown and kick the game-winning field goal in the same game. This week Brett Favre hopes to become the first NFL player ever to mow the field before the game and then throw 12 interceptions on it during.
Pick: Green Bay

St. Louis at Arizona
Actor Lou Diamond Phillips was charged with two counts of battery today in connection with an alleged assault on his live-in girlfriend back in August. This has nothing to do with the game, I just really wanted a reason to mention Lou Diamond Phillips.
Pick: Arizona

Philadelphia at San Francisco
Andy Reid had a tough time getting his team to regroup this week after Sunday's disaster against the Giants. You see, usually, the Eagles only choke in the playoffs.
Pick: Philadelphia

New York Giants at Seattle
Shaun Alexander is questionable this week with a severe case of apathy.
Pick: New York Giants

Denver at New England
There's only one thing I miss more than Jake Plummer's beard and NFL Primetime be thy name.
Pick: New England

Last Week: 12-4
Season: 22-10

Thursday Thoughts

- I'd say I follow golf more than the average sports fan, which makes my ignorance of Ryder Cup team members J.J. Henry, Zach Johnson, Vaughn Taylor and Brett Wetterich quite strange. (I've at least heard of Henry and Johnson. But Vaughn Taylor and Brett Wetterich? The former sounds like a character from Major League and if I were asked yesterday who Brett Wetterich was I would have guessed he was one of those ex-Florida State kickers who missed wide right.)
Maybe these guys are decently well-known and I'm out of the loop, but if others are experiencing the same "wait... who?" feeling as me, this doesn't bode well for the future of the PGA. If it was just one random guy on the Ryder Cup team, that'd be one thing. But four? I mean, shoot, Chad Campbell was the 4th-highest qualifier! Golf fans know Chad Campbell, but casual fans probably don't.
Is the PGA refusing to market anybody besides Tiger and Phil? It sure seems that way. I know it's tough because Tiger is the main draw and wins almost half the events he enters, but the ATP has made a star of Rafael Nadal and he only beats Federer on clay. Let's say Tiger has to have back surgery at some point or takes a leave of absence to plan his wife's next topless photo shoot. The PGA is going to be screwed.

- Derek Jeter is the A.L. MVP. Let's move on, as my natural impulses are commanding me to repeatedly bash my head into a cement wall upon writing those words.

- Maybe I was expecting too much (or maybe the idiocy of Joe Thiesmann is bringing him down), but I'm disappointed with Tony Kornheiser's performance in the Monday Night Football booth. It's still early, so I'll reserve judgment, but with Thiesmann constantly engaged in a pissing contest and his humor ill-suited for one-liners, Kornheiser through the first two weeks reminds me of Donny from The Big Lebowski. He's always entering the conversation at the wrong time, makes comments that get (or need) no response and is getting picked on by the Vietnam vet asshole. (Just replace Vietnam vet with Notre Dame QB for this exercise.) There's still time, but I sort of wish Tony never took the job and had his radio show back on a local DC station.

- As I was staring out the window during my class last night, there was a high-school age kid kicking field goals on the soccer field of the small university at which I'm attending grad school.
There were no goalposts or yard-line markings, so it wasn't easy to tell just how accurate his kicks were, but this dude was simply drilling the ball for a good 45 minutes. Now, the ball was most definitely smaller and said ball wasn't getting snapped and there weren't 11 guys trying to get their meaty balls on that ball, but if some random kid kicking on a soccer field with his dad holding can drill what appeared to be 40 yarders with ease, how in Groza's name did the Atlanta Falcons employ a guy that went 0-4 in a single game?
I'm not suggesting kicking is easy, but I find it very hard to believe that kicking an oblong ball through uprights from various distances is a skill-set confined to 31 of our 300,000,000 citizens. It can't be that hard. Are you telling me Morten Anderson, at 46, is better than a slew of ex-college kickers that are unemployed?
NFL GMs seem to treat kickers like TV execs treat new shows: Neither are given the chance to develop. Teams would rather feel comfortable watching a once-proven kicker miss field goals than give a new guy a shot. A crappy old kicker will take the fall if he sucks, but the GM will take it if the new guy is terrible.

- About two months ago I heaped priased upon an subtlely hilarious lede paragrph from a Mike Silver article and proceeded to discuss my ever-changing opinion of the Sports Illustrated writer:

Sports Illustrated's Michael Silver often comes across as a smug, "too cool for the room" type of guy in his writing. That his SI.com picture (right, complete with hipster glasses, unkempt hair and stubble) makes him come across as a smug, "too cool for the room" type of guy clearly doesn't help matters.
Still, Silver is a very good writer and despite my repeated intentions to dismiss his work, his player profiles are the best around. Sometimes his stuff is a little too cutesy (like that time he deemed the NFL "insufferable"), yet other times I want to stand and applaud a column (yes, Dan Snyder is one of the best owners in the NFL). To say that I'm on the fence about Michael Silver is about right.

Well, the aforementioned Mr. Silver happened to stumble upon that post two weeks ago and responded with both some kind words about my site and some good-natured ribbing about that "too cool for the room" designation. I wrote him back and he responded again and, since then, our correspondence has faded, but needless to say, I'm no longer on the fence about Mike Silver. Now I just hope I don't run into Skip Bayless working in a soup kitchen or else my whole worldview will be thrown into chaos.

The Chaz Rankings: Week 2

1) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-0)
As one of the few knowledgeable NFL fans left, I took great pleasure in watching the Jags/Steelers game last night. While the unenlightened masses prefer 49-48 shootouts, a more informed viewer, like myself, delights in games of defensive nuance. The subtle, yet pivotal, play of the defensive line, linebackers attacking on blitzes and safeties perfectly executing a cover-2; I appreciate football like nobody else. Take your flea flickers and reverses, you bourgeois fools! You know nothing of the game that only Bill Simmons and I know!

2) Chicago Bears (2-0)
Anybody wanna take the bet that Simmons will make some sort of comment like that in his next handicapping column?
Seriously though, I did enjoy watching last night's defensive battle. I didn't have the displeasure of sitting through KC and Denver's 9-6 struggle, but I imagine that game was terrible because the low score was more a result of inept offenses rather than stifling defenses. But the Jags and Steelers defenses were brilliant and, every now and then, that's fun to watch. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hoping there's a 9-0 game every weekend but, from time to time, it's fun to watch two great defenses slugging it out.
And what are the chances that tomorrow morning in New York, CBS executives will be frantically making contingency plans should Super Bowl XLI involve two defensive teams like the Jags and Bears? Somewhere, Les Moonves is placing a cyanide tablet under his tongue, just in case.

3) Baltimore Ravens (2-0)
Sense the theme. It's been a while since there have been so many dominant defenses in the league but, through week 2 anyway, the Jags, Bears and Ravens all appear to have the sorts of units that win championships.
Let's clarify one thing about Baltimore though. I've heard it many places in the past few days that the addition of Steve McNair has given the Ravens their first consistent offense since their Super Bowl of 2000. Michael Wilbon wrote exactly that in a column last week. Yet, drowned in the memory of that Super Bowl win is the fact that those Ravens went five straight games without a touchdown (weeks five to nine). They turned things on a little later in the season, but weren't exactly a juggernaut. (If the Ravens hadn't scored 34 in their rout over the Giants in the Super Bowl, I think this would be better remembered. But after that scoring orgy, it became easy to assume the Ravens were great on both sides of the ball.
Also, going back to look at that season, I saw this awesome statistic (not awesome as in Point Break-awesome but something that fills me with awe): In their four playoff games, the Ravens gave up 3, 10, 3 and 7 points. That's just disgusting. And with a rejuvenated Ray Lewis leading the charge, there's no reason to think they can't do it again.)

4) Cincinnati Bengals (2-0)
In yesterday's comments section I had a good-natured debate with my college buddy, and Eagles fan, Obaza about Donovan McNabb. My contention has always been that for all of Donners talent, I don't feel he's a good leader of men. I then proceeded to list current NFL QBs whom I define as good leaders. (Don't ask me to define a good leader, because I can't. It's based more on feel than anything.) My list was short: Tom Brady, Steve McNair, Brad Johnson and Brett Favre. But I added that Carson Palmer wasn't far off.
I based that on his post-game press conferences after both games this season. Cincinnati couldn't have asked for a better opening schedule, considering Palmer was coming back from his knee injury. As expected, the Bengals cruised to two easy victories and the team, from a distance at least, looked to be right back where they were before their QB was injured early in the Wild Card game. But after the game, if you watched Palmer's press conference and didn't know the game's result, you'd have assumed his team lost. He didn't smile, didn't boast and didn't talk about what went right. He instead discussed what went wrong. And when a guy can start the season 2-0 and harp on what went wrong - that's a leader. If their QB is saying things can get better, the Bengals team will believe it too.
Look at it this way; what would Donovan McNabb's press conference had been like if the Eagles hadn't choked away the game on Sunday?

5) Indianapolis Colts (2-0)
To me, week 2 is the most telling week of the season. The preseason is like an unplugged TV. It's black; impossible to make out anything. Week 1 is like when you first turn the TV on and the picture slowly comes on the screen. And week 2 is when that picture starts to get crisp and you realize the last station you were watching was the Lifetime Movie Channel so you quickly fumble with the remote so your friends don't laugh at you.
It's like that because in week 1 there's no frame of reference for a team's great performance or their lousy one. After week 2, you can compare a team's showing to their first week and get a better idea as to the level of the competition they were playing. The Steelers win against Miami, for example, becomes a lot less impressive after the way the Dolphins stunk up the joint versus the Bills. And on one level, the Colts would appear to be quite solid because of how the team they beat (New York) fared against another solid team (Philadelphia). But I'm looking at it a different way.
Indy was lucky to beat the Giants (much like Philly in week 2, the Giants of week 1 should have put the game away early, but missed myriad opportunities to do so) and beat up on a terrible Texans team in week 2. Their offense is still the best in the league, but one stat should worry Tony Dungy: Against Indy, Tiki Barber and Brandon Jacobs ran 26 times for 164 yards. Against Philly, Tiki Barber and Brandon Jacobs ran 26 times for 84 yards. The Colts run defense is bad. And in a year with so many great defenses, that's not a good thing. I'll go out on a limb now: Jacksonville will win the AFC South.

6) Atlanta Falcons (2-0)
What a surprise! Michael Vick is released from the shackles of the west coast offense and, lo and behold, the Falcons are winning games! And it only took Jim Mora Jr. a full year to discover that making Vick a pocket passer was the best football idea since the XFL. Just one wasted year! What a moron.
I'm still reserving final judgment on the Falcons for two reasons: First, the probability of Vick sustaining an injury is always high. Second, beating the Panthers and Bucs doesn't appear to be the impressive feat it would have seemed to be nine days ago. The Bucs are simply dreadful and Carolina has sputtered out of the gate. (Frankly, I don't know what's more amazing: That Atlanta rushed for 302 yards against the Bucs or that they only scored 14 points as a result.) With a trip to New Orleans and a home game against the Cards leading up to a week 5 bye, we might not get a good read on the Falcons until the Giants head south on October 15.

7) San Diego Chargers (2-0)
If the Falcons are hard to get a read on, the Chargers are impossible. Somebody on NBC Sunday night said they were the best team in the NFL. I'm not saying they aren't (although I suppose by ranking them 7th that is, indeed, what I'm saying), but wins over perhaps the two worst teams in the NFL (Oakland and Tennessee) wouldn't hold up in court. Unless the O.J. jury were somehow involved.

8) Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1)
As stated above, Pittsburgh's win over Miami seems a whole lot less impressive now than it did Sunday morning. Considering how Miami shot themselves in the foot that game and it's even less so. Less so or more so? Eh, it's late so I'll move on. (I think that's the first time the word "eh" has ever appeared on this site. I really despise the "eh" because of its use as the written equivalent of the Canadian sentence-ender, as in, "hockey season's getting close, eh?" It just doens't seem right to me. How does the sound "aay" turn into "eh"? "Eh" reads like the first sound made when saying the name "Edgerrin," not the letter "A". Who decided on the spelling "eh" anyway? Is it too late to get this changed? It's like the spelling of "pneumonia," "gnat," and "chaos." Just because some fool decided to spell these words in ridiculous fashion doesn't mean we need to keep doing so. Shit, I'm gonna run for president.)

9) New England Patriots (2-0)
Unimpressive wins count the same as impressive wins, but I'm not sold on New England this year. Not that I'm ever sold on New England, mind you, but this year I'm even less so.

10) New York Giants (1-1)
The Giants are the top-ranked NFC East team in the Chaz Rankings yet, ironically, I think they're the worst team in the division. Despite all the accolades tossed Elisha Manning's way after their come-from-behind victory (he's very proficient in coming-from-behind), the goofy, trade-forcing quarterback was jumpy and erratic at points. His completion percentage is an eye-rubbing 66% and - I'm seriously shocked by that. You might not believe it, but I was ready to change my Eli criticism from football to purely personal this season because I thought he'd make great strides and become a better-than-average NFL QB. But, despite the percentage, he's still missing wide open targets on seemingly every possession and appears to be sleepwalking at points. Sure, the TD pass to Plax was great, but if Sheldon Brown was merely mediocre he would have knocked it away. If he was average it would have been picked. Plaxico has done more bailing out this season than Virginia Tech football coaches. He had at least four catches in the Indy game to save Eli and two against Philly.

11) Philadelphia Eagles (1-1)
In week 2 of 2005, in a key early-season divisional match-up, the Cowboys had their game against the Redskins won. Up 13-0 with 3:32 left and Washington facing 4th and 10, the game was over. It was done. Sixty-one furious seconds later, the Redskins had the lead. They held on to win and the Cowboys had victory snatched from their grasp. Four months later, Dallas missed the playoffs by one game. Bears repeating.

12) Minnesota Vikings (2-0)
Expect the Vikings-hype to reach epic proportions this week just in time for them to get steamrolled by the Bears. Oh, I think Minnesota is a fine team and could contend for a Wild Card spot, but the Bears defense will shut down Chester Taylor and be all over Brad Johnson.
Before the media attempts to get your panties in a bunch about how great Brad Childress and his team are, remember these two things: They beat both a struggling Redskins team that failed to get into the endzone despite three trips inside the 12-yard line and a struggling Panthers team that is missing their best player. Oh, and the Panthers sent an engraved invitation to Minnesota to get back in the game with that unbelievable throwback on a punt return. But more about that later. Translation: Let's not start printing playoff tickets quite yet.

13) Seattle Seahawks (2-0)
Steve Hutchinson left and now his replacement (Pork Chop Womack) is out for a few weeks. This comes after two games in which Shaun Alexander has averaged 3.1 yards per carry. But hey, at least they're getting future Hall of Famer Deion Branch on the field next week.

14) New Orleans Saints (2-0)
It sure was awfully nice for New Orleans to have their two easiest road games prior to their first game back at the Superdome that, gasp, happens to be the Monday Night Football match-up. I mean, that couldn't have been planned by the NFL, could it? Surely it was just luck that sent New Orleans to Cleveland and Green Bay before the pre-planned week 3 home opener. Those other road games against Carolina, Tampa, Pittsburgh, Atlanta, Dallas and the Giants; just a stroke of good fortune that they all occur after the Saints only national TV appearance. No, nothing suspicious there.

15) Dallas Cowboys (1-1)
I don't remember exactly when it happened, but network's replacing the player headshot that accompanies stats or info graphics with a video of that player's face was a dark day in sports broadcasting. The only real difference is that the video shows players blinking and creeps me out. Sometimes, though, the video's can be great. Case in point, Mike Vanderjagt. In his NBC shot, Vanderjagt looks quite uncomfortable. Horo suggested Vanderjagt looked that way because, at the time, he knew that NBC would show the video only when discussing how big a choker he is.

16) Arizona Cardinals (1-1)
Edgerrin James stats through two games: 44 caries, 137 yards, 3.1 yards per carry. I'm sensing that popular sentiment is going towards the "Edgerrin is on the downside of his career" theory, but that's a bunch of crap. Edgerrin's struggles merely confirms that greatness in football is almost always dictated by one's surroundings.

17) Buffalo Bills (1-1)
Another team whose future became clearer after week 2. Following their narrow-loss to the Pats in the opener, it was assumed the closeness of the game was due to poor play by New England. But after beating Miami, maybe the Bills aren't too bad themselves. Or maybe Miami is just that terrible.

18) New York Jets (1-1)
Chad Pennington looks great and is proving arm-strength isn't everything. But at the end of the Pats game, when the Jets attempted a hail mary to get the tying touchdown, Pennington was able to throw the ball only about 40 yards. Why Eric Mangini didn't put the strong-armed Patrick Ramsey in for the last throw is beyond me. I rip Bill Simmons often, but he does make good points every now and again and his tongue-in-cheek suggestion that team's should have a sort of "common sense coordinator" is one of them.

19) San Francisco 49ers (1-1)
Frank Gore appears to be the real deal. But, then again, so did Cadillac Williams through two weeks last year.

20) St. Louis Rams (1-1)
I just saw the controversial play from the Oregon-Oklahoma game last night and, even after hearing about how bad a call the officials made, I was shocked at just how egregious their error was. I mention this because clearly both the NCAA and NFL's replay reviews leave a lot to be desired. It was ridiculous that Nick Saban wasn't able to challenge Heath Miller's "touchdown" catch in the season opener. Even more ridiculous was Bill Cowher throwing a challenge flag last night, which caused the referees to stop the game. Then, after conferring with them on the sidelines and listening to his headset, Cowher decided not to challenge the play. And apparently this is totally legal. Can you imagine this happening late in the game? How is this a rule?

21) Denver Broncos (1-1)
Scoring nine points against the Chiefs defense is sort of like hooking up with Tara Reid and only getting to first base.

22) Washington Redskins (0-2)
It's never a good sign when the play of Danny Smith's special teams is the high-point for the Redskins in a specific game.

23) Carolina Panthers (0-2)
Not since Marty Mornhinweg elected to kick-off in overtime and take the wind has an idiotic coaching decision proved so costly as John Fox's "what the f--- was he thinking" return-lateral in Sunday's Vikings game.

24) Miami Dolphins (0-2)
Since Daunte Culpepper was injured last season, the Minnesota Vikings are 9-2 in his stead. Since Daunte Culpepper joined the Dolphins, they are 0-2.

25) Kansas City Chiefs (0-2)
Dick Vermeil got out just in time.

26) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-2)
How bad is Chris Simms? He'd still find a way to lose to Oklahoma even if those Pac-10 refs were officiating the game.

27) Cleveland Browns (0-2)
Frankly, I'm shocked that team featuring Charlie Frye, Reuben Droughns and Dennis Northcutt is struggling.

28) Green Bay Packers (0-2)
They still stink, but unlike the four teams below, at least they showed some heart.

29) Detroit Lions (0-2)
Charles Rogers was cut, Mike Williams doesn't play and Roy Williams is boasting about how his team could be putting up 40 despite only putting up 13 in two contests. Kudos, Matt Millen. Kudos.

30) Houston Texans (0-2)
I still have Wali Lundy on my fantasy roster.

31) Tennessee Titans (0-2)
And picked Chris Brown over Frank Gore.

32) Oakland Raiders (0-2)
But at least I didn't take Aaron Brooks.

Monday Afternoon Cornerback

There are a bunch of diasppointed football fans today in various areas of the country. But which fan-base, pre-tell, has the most right to be devastated on this, the second Monday of the NFL season? Ladies and gentlemen, I believe a list is in order. (In ascending order of sadness.)
(Not included: Oakland, Green Bay, Houston - Because if any fans of these teams were dumb enough to think their squad had a shot, then they're probably too stupid to be devastated.)
11) Cleveland - Come on, you didn't really believe Charlie Frye was going to be the answer, did you?
10) St. Louis - After yesterday's loss to San Fran, I'm wondering if there's still room on the Rams bandwagon that Bill Simmons is driving? Putz.
9) Kansas City - Either that was a gutsy performance yesterday by Kansas City or Denver is worse than I imagined.
8) Carolina - Being 0-2 is nothing to celebrate, but at least the Panthers have an excuse. Once Steve Smith returns, they'll right the ship.
7) Washington - Before ripping the Redskins, it's important to one remember one key fact. (Not that I remembered said one key fact last night when I was ripping the Redskins, but Monday brought an unusual sense of calm on me considering my team is 0-2 and has, somehow, managed to look worse than that.) That fact is this: Washington's most important offensive player, by far, didn't play yesterday and barely played last week. And their most important defensive player, arguably, hasn't stepped foot on the field at all this year. (That's Shawn Springs, and I say arguably because if somebody wanted to claim the Redskins defensive MVP is Cornelius Griffin or Marcus Washington, I'd listen.)
Not that the absense of Clinton and Shawn excuses Mark Brunell's poor, jumpy play, the inability of any receiver other than Santana Moss to get open, the defensive line getting absolutely no push on any running play, Gregg Williams' reluctance to put pressure on the quarterback, Gregg Williams' schemes that had a linebacker covering the Cowboys #2 receiver in a two-receiver set, the defensive line not getting any pressure on the QB even when Williams did bring six, Sean Taylor contributing three big plays per game to go along with the five he blows and a secondary that is so bad it defies description.
And don't get me started on the free agent acquisitions Vinny Cerrato and crew brought in. Andre Carter, as my old pal Jaffe put it in a text, "is traSh" (I didn't know whether or not the capital S was intentional, so I spent about five minutes trying to figure out what the hell he meant, eventually determining that it was unintentional. But even then, how does one make a capital S and then have a lowercase h to follow? Jaf?), Adam Archuleta can't tackle a water cooler, Brandon Lloyd appears not to exist and Antwaan Randle El makes you think he's doing good by running 45 yards on each punt return, but then you look at the stats and realize he ran all that way just to gain 2 1/2 yards. T.J. Duckett barely gets on the field and, it would seem to reason, that once C.P. returns, he won't get any playing time which means the team sort of threw away the third-round choice they traded for him.
Mark Brunell looks uncomfortable in the pocket, almost like he did back in 2004. Maybe it's because he knows the opposing defense isn't respecting the run. Maybe it's because he doesn't have a good blocking back like he does when Portis is in there. Or maybe age is catching up to him. Whichever it is, I'm still in Brunell's camp and will likely stay there unless it gets really bad (but only because there is no real viable alternative. Peter King thinks the season is wasted if Gibbs doesn't go to Jason Campbell but, clearly, King has never seen Campbell play.)
I'm also willing to give Al Saunders the benefit of the doubt. It's always been said that it takes time for his system to work in a given place. But my main question has been, why'd they try to fix an offense that wasn't broken? In the last three regular season games of 2005, the Redskins scored 35, 35 and 31 points, respectively. (Granted, their offense was brutal in the playoffs, but they were also so banged up at that point it's amazing they were able to win a game.) Nothing against Al Saunders, but is he in the Hall of Fame? I'm not jumping ship, it's just worth noting.
Last thing about the Redskins; if not for their miraculous comeback in Dallas in last year's week two, the 'Skins offense was about in the same spot as they were this year. The difference was, that team started 2-0 after winning a defensive struggle against Chicago in week one. 0-2 isn't the end of the world, particularly when one of those losses comes on the road to a division opponent. But the Redskins need to get things clicking quickly, as in this week.
It's far too early to write off this team, particularly with Joe Gibbs at the helm. For now, I'm chalking up the bad start to injuries and execution. For now...
6) Houston - Reggie Bush's team is 2-0. And the Texans got leveled by Peyton Manning once again.
5) Tennessee - How bad must Billy Volek be if he can't get any PT opposite Kerry Collins?
4) Philadelphia - Donovan and the Eagles quit on this game once they got their 17-point lead. They played cocky, loose and stupid and deserved the loss they got. My mom made a good point via text message during the Pats/Jets game, when New England was in danger of pulling a Philly: "The difrence between theM and PHill y is Brady making plays and mc Nabb didnt." (She just learned to text, which has been a joy for both me and my sister. Now, instead of getting phone calls before each Redskins game where she says, "I can't get the TV to work," I'm getting a text that says, "t. V % on work." And it's also worth noting that my mom has despised McNabb ever since he mocked the West Point corps of cadets during a pivotal Army-Syracuse game back in '96.)
3) Detroit - On a scale of one to Maurice Clarret, just how dumb is Roy Williams? It's getting to the point where the other Roy Williams is going to have to start using his middle name so nobody associates him with the chucklehead in Detroit.
2) Miami - I think it's time we stopped referring to Daunte Culpepper as All-Pro Daunte Culpepper and go the old Prince route and rename him "the quarterback formerly known as Daunte Culpepper."
1) Tampa Bay - As my football-watching life-partner Ben said in week one, "I think we're watching the Chris Simms coming-out party." Yet lost in the hullaballo over just how terrible Chris Simms is, is the fact the the Bucs vaunted defense allowed 302 rushing yards to the Falcons. 302. That's not a rushing total, it's an area code (much love Talleyville, Delaware.) The Bucs aren't in trouble. Trouble indicates there's hope. The Bucs seem to have none. They're a bad team. Maybe Jon Gruden should be putting more hours in.

Sunday Superlatives
Game of the Day: Philly over New York
Upset of the Day: San Fran over St. Louis
Player of the Day: Rex Grossman - Don't even get me started on NBC giving their Player of the Day award to Eli Manning. He looked absolutely terrible for the first three quarters of that game. Just because Donovan McNabb pulled his patented choke-job and the Eagles secondary decided to stop covering Plaxico Burress (and, as a result, hand me my first fantasy loss of the season), doesn't mean Eli had a special day.
Leaf Player of the Day: Chris Simms
Faulk Fantasy Player of the Day: Rudi Johnson
Boldin Fantasy Player of the Day: Rex Grossman
Barlow Fantasy Player of the Day: LaMont Jordan

Fantasy Rant
I went to check on the score of my "respect league" game, expecting to see that I was still down around 12 points with Matt Jones left to go tonight. (That Burress catch really killed me.) But when I opened the page, I discovered that I'm actually down 19 points. My confusion turned to rage when I realized why: Fanball credited the Giants defense with a fumble recovery and touchdown for Tim Carter's recovery of Plaxico Burress' fumble into the endzone. Now, I could be wrong (and so could the two people I've already called to complain to), but shouldn't that touchdown go to Carter and not the Giants defense since Carter is: a) an offensive player and b) was playing offense at the time of the recovery? The fantasy player "New York Giants defense" doesn't get points when Eli Manning recovers his own fumble or even if Tiki Barber were to recover it. So why would they get points and a touchdown for this? Shoot, if Ryan Longwell got credit for his TD pass (as well he should), then Tim Carter should get credit for a touchdown he scored while lined up as a receiver. Please leave me your opinion in the comments section. It's likely a moot point because I'm not expecting 12 points from Jones, but if he does get a touchdown catch and I lose because of this, I'm gonna be pissed.
(Update: Fanball returned my e-mail was surprising promptness - as in three minutes - and said they are aware of the problem with the Giants D. In retrospect, maybe I was too harsh in my e-mail (my closing line was "Please either correct this error or let me know why you've decided to make the wrong decision," but I'll hold off on being sorry until they do, in fact, make the correction.)

Predictions
I almost don't want to credit myself for the win I got picking against the Redskins. With that soul-to-devil selection, I finished 11-4 on the most disappointing Sunday I've had this year. Well, other than the time I spilled a latte on my crotch while reading the paper. Although that was probably more scaldingly painful than disappointing.

Who I Like On Monday Night And I Don't Mean Suzy Kolber's Voice
Pittsburgh's hardfought victory over Miami looks a lot less impressive after the way Buffalo held Nick Saban's team in check. (Anybody else really starting to dislike Saban? His holier-than-thou rant about why you shouldn't boo players reeked of arrogance and entitlement and of a guy who doesn't realize that the reason his team is getting booed is because he's not doing a very good job of coaching.) Even with Roethlisberger back, I'm once again picking against the Steelers. (Which will probably mean I'll, once again, lose.)
Jacksonville 23 - Pittsburgh 20

NFL Picks: Week 2
(Chaz Rankings in Parenthesis)

#22 New Orleans at #31 Green Bay
Yahoo! Sports is reporting Saints rookie Reggie Bush received $100,000 in improper benefits while playing for USC. Meanwhile, AltaVista Sports reports Texans rookie Mario Williams once violated NCAA rules when he accepted an extra biscuit at a Raleigh-area Bojangles. Williams was eventually cleared when it was discovered that the Bojangles cashier only gave him the improper biscuit because she thought he was Cedric Simmons.
Pick: New Orleans

#23 Detroit at #3 Chicago
Ford announced today they plan to cut 10,000 jobs after their rebound to profitability stalled. Charles Rogers was said to be devastated, as he was very interested in the night janitor position at the Maumee, OH plant.
Pick: Chicago

#27 Cleveland at #6 Cincinnati
Other than Virginia, Ohio is the state that has produced the most U.S. presidents. So who would our former leaders root for in the battle between their state's two football teams?
James Garfield - Doesn't care, as long as the Packers continue to stink.
Ulysses S. Grant -With a name like Ulysses, I'm guessing he'd care more about who got voted off on Dancing With the Stars.
Warren Harding - Many consider Harding the worst president in U.S. history. So he'd definitely be pulling for Romeo Crennel.
Benjamin Harrison - That was perhaps a little too harsh, but my first wording of the joke worked even less.
Rutherford B. Hayes - Sounds like he should have played in the ABA.
William McKinley - If we were still mired in the absurd policies of McKinleynomics, the NFL of today would be but a figment of Roger Goodell's boring imagination.
William Howard Taft - Even though he's been dead for 76 years, Texans coach Gark Kubiak is said to be interested in bringing in our most-rotund president for a tryout at left tackle.
Pick: Cincinnati

#21 Buffalo at #15 Miami
Yeah, I realize that president thing had nothing to do with the game, but originally I had figured Grover Cleveland was from Ohio (for obvious reasons) and planned on making a fairly obvious joke about non-consecutive something-or-others. When I discovered Cleveland was actually from the New Jeruz, I went another way with it. And I'll give a prize to the first person who makes the Garfield-Packers connection. (Note: It's a very, very long way from point A to point B, mainly because I once again confused my presidential trivia.)
Pick: Miami

#24 Tampa Bay at #7 Atlanta
Douglas Scott S. over at the ridiculously-named, but well-intentioned, blog "Vick for MVP" doesn't like it when I make fun of the fact that his favorite quarterback has herpes. In the comments to last week's post he wrote, "Just understand that half the NFL and NBA probably have herpes if not more."
Douglas, I fully agree. But few, if any, NFL or NBA players use the alias Ron Mexico on their STD test and, subsequently, sees that information obtained by a Web site. You see, Douglas, that's what I like to call FREAKIN' HILARIOUS. Sure, the story is old now, but so is I Love Lucy and it'll be a cold day in hell when I don't bust a gut watching Lucy and Ethel try to sneak their way into Ricky's show.
Pick: Atlanta

#30 Houston at #5 Indianapolis
It seems ridiculous now, but after the 1997 draft some people thought the Colts should have taken Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning. Hell, the Texans' front office still thinks it was a bad move.
Pick: Indianapolis

#16 Carolina at #15 Minnesota
Last season, two Panthers cheerleaders were arrested after an amorous tryst in a public bathroom. After hearing that, Fred Smoot fired his agent for not suggesting he sign with Carolina.
Pick: Carolina

#11 New York Giants at #13 Philadelphia
Combined, these two teams have one less Super Bowl win than Joe Gibbs. Just wanted to remind everybody. And by everybody I mean Falkow, Obaza and J-Rod.
Pick: New York

#32 Oakland at #4 Baltimore
While in Charm City, Randy Moss hopes to take Aaron Brooks to the set of The Wire to see if they need any extras to volunteer as the victim of a drive-by.
Pick: Baltimore

#10 St. Louis at #28 San Francisco
Some look at the 49ers loss to the Cardinals and see a glass half-full. I, on the other hand, look at the 49ers loss to the Cardinals and figure, hey, even a broken clock is right two times a day.
Pick: St. Louis

#20 Arizona at #9 Seattle
I'd pick against Seattle, but they acquired Deion Branch this week so, instead, I'm picking the Seahawks to go 16-0. Because he's Deion Branch. And the media says he's so great, so he must be. Forget that if you were to ask 100 people to list the 10 most important people in the Pats organization since 2001, Branch would appear on exactly zero of the lists. And also forget that it was always said the Patriots offense was one of interchangable parts (other than Tom Brady). Instead, remember that Branch won a Super Bowl MVP award! Just like Dexter Jackson! He must be great! Give him a multi-year deal worth millions, stat! Idiots.
Pick: Arizona

#26 Kansas City at #17 Denver
The Huard brothers (Brock and Damon - and what the hell kind of name is Brock, anyway) have thrown one less TD pass in 42 career games than Peyton Manning had in a three-game stretch back in 2004.
Pick: Denver

#12 New England at #25 New York Jets
Who would have thought the most important Boston/New York match-up of the weekend would be between the Pats and the Jets? Besides Marlins GM Larry Beinfest, because he could have pretty much figured that out when he unloaded Josh Beckett and Mike Lowell to the Sox and received rookie sensations Hanley Ramirez and Anibal Sanchez in return. Way to go, Theo. Just think, if the players union had let that A. Rod deal go through, you'd be more hated in Boston than Dan Duquette.
Pick: New England

#29 Tennessee at #8 San Diego
After cruising against a pathetic Raiders team, Philip Rivers will get a wake-up call this week against the Titans. Wait. No he won't. Next week then, when the Chargers face... Oh. They have a bye. Jeez, who made their schedule, Frank Beamer?
Pick: San Diego

#19 Washington at #18 Dallas
With the possibility of a Mike Rumph/T.O. match-up, Redskins coach Joe Gibbs recommended that his beleaguered cornerback stay at a Holiday Inn Express on Saturday night.
Pick: Dallas

Last week: 10-6

Tuesday Blues

The Redskins lost, my computer is broken and I destroyed my back playing 18 holes this morning. And I haven't even gotten to the whole "Tom Cruise sitting with Dan Snyder" thing. Needless to say, I'm not in the best of moods right now. (Killing my back would have been worth it had I actually played well on the course earlier. But since my game this morning resembled the Redskins' last night, my current pain appears to have come in vain. Although I still maintain I would have shot 8-10 strokes better had the 'Skins ultimately prevailed. And, yes, I'm aware of all the rhyming that occured in the previous sentences.
Quick Cruise thought: The worst part about his sitting in the Redskins' owners box? It forced me to ponder whether that crazy, wild-eyed Scientology-loving wack-job could kick better than John Hall. That I'm still thinking about it is merely a testament to the eternal crappiness of the Redskins' kicker.)
I'm going to try to get the week one Chaz Rankings up tomorrow, but at some point I'm going to need to do some work for the classes I'm currently taking, so the rankings may be delayed for a bit. But just for a second, just to see how it feels.

Giving New Meaning To The Term "Special" Teams

In the offseason, the Washington Redskins spent $32 million on Andre Carter, $30 million on Antwaan Randle El, $30 million on Adam Archuleta and $25 million on Brandon Lloyd. All told, Daniel Snyder "spent" $117 million on new additions to bolster the 'Skins roster in hopes of making a deep run into the playoffs. Yet, not a dime was spent on the Redskins' special teams.
Kicker John Hall, he of the bad hamstrings and weak leg, was retained, as was punter Derrick Frost, who ranked 28th in the NFL in punting average in '05. That these two players were clearly detrimental to any progress the Redskins would this season was ignored. Vinny Cerrato and his personnel goons only gave a perfunctory look at other kickers during training camp.
When it became clear the team had no intention of improving one of their most important areas (five games last year were decided by three or less points), I predicted Hall and Forst would cost the Redskins at least two games in 2006. After week one, we're halfway there.
Hall shanked a potentially game-tying 47-yard field goal as time expired tonight and Frost consistently allowed the Vikings to win the battle of field position with his 34-yard punts. In all, the special teams played just like they did last year; which is to say, terrible.
In yesterday's Seahawks game, rookie punter Ryan Plackemeier boomed five punts for a 52.6 yard average, including a 63-yarder that was the longest of the day in the NFL. Seattle took the Ray Guy Award winner out of Wake Forest with the 239th pick in this year's draft, after the Redskins passed on him four times during the second day. In my State of the Redskins address back in January I wrote:

Cut punter Derrick Frost. It should have been done yesterday. Actually, it should have been done back in September, but that’s neither here not there. Frost made Kelly Goodburn look like Ray Guy. How many 17-yard punts can a team survive, particularly one with a streaky offense? The team claimed Frost was necessary because of his ability to hold for their kicker, but how hard can it be to catch a ball and put the laces out? Couldn’t a trained seal do that? Get rid of that shank-punting putz, draft All-American Ryan Plackemeier from Wake Forest or sign that guy from the CFL everybody’s been talking about.
John Hall also has to go. Anybody who gets paid $1.4 million shouldn’t be missing critical 36-yard field goals in playoff games, nor should they have lingering hamstring issues that causes them to miss five games during the season. Either find a kicker in free agency (Vanderjagt, perhaps) or bring back Nick Novak. And I wouldn’t mind firing special teams coach Danny Smith either, but since I've been preaching the whole “stability” thing, that would kind of be hypocritical. Just get rid of Frost and Hall and we’ll be cool, Danny.

Clearly I was wrong about not firing Smith.
Tonight's loss isn't all on his unit though. Gregg Williams' defense was putrid. Carlos Rogers missed tackles and assignments all night, Adam Archuleta played like the overrated, overpaid safety he is, Mike Rumph was Mike Rumph and Sean Taylor amassed not one, but two costly 15-yard penalties. (Granted, the first was a joke; especially in light of the late-hit no-call on Antoine Winfield on the Redskins final drive, but, as Tony Kornheiser correctly said, SeanTay's reputation precedes him. Mike Tirico did a nice job of pointing out that Mike Carey's crew also worked the Washington/Tampa playoff game in which SeanTay was ejected for spitting. I'm not saying that crew was out to get SeanTay, except that I totally am.) The absence of Shawn Springs definitely hurt, mainly because Gregg Williams seemingly refuses to blitz without his #1 corner.
The problem is, a quarterback like Brad Johnson is only deadly when given time to throw the ball. Guys like him can put the ball wherever they want it, provided they're given time. The only way they make mistakes is when they're pressured. So, of course, Williams blitzed maybe four times the entire night. (If they pull the same shit with Drew Bledsoe next Sunday night, 0-2 is a certainty.)
Washington's offense looked very similar to last year's version; making the whole Al Saunders thing much ado about nothing - at least until this point. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just... interesting. Pre-snap movement, wide receiver screens, stretch blocking - where's the revolution I was promised? Is it not going to be televised?
If he stays healthy, Mark Brunell will be fine behind center. Clinton Portis ran well, if tenatively, and Santana Moss picked up where he left off. I'm not quite sure exactly what Brandon Lloyd brings to the table other than terrible hands and Randle El provided some razzle-dazzle, but where was he on the game's final kickoff? (I've got to get off the special teams, or I'm not going to able to sleep. And no need to point out that Ladell Betts had a great return on the last kickoff. I'm not debating that. It's just baffling why you shell out $30 million for Randle El yet have him sitting on the bench during a crucial return.)
It's interesting: The team spent over $55 million on Randle El and Lloyd, yet it still looked like there was no definitive #2 option for Santana Moss. And where was Chris Cooley hiding tonight?
The Redskins never were going to go 16-0, so it wasn't a matter of if they'd lose their first game, but when. It just hurts that it came at home against a very beatable team on a night when the 'Skins didn't play all that well in the first place. That they had a shot to tie as time expired could be a beacon of hope to a dispirted team. Or it could be a reminder that if the team had a decent kicker and punter, they would never have had to be disappointed in the first place.

The Chaz Rankings coming tomorrow. If I can actually stomach putting the Redskins behind the Vikings, that is.

Monday Afternoon Cornerback

Isn't it amazing how perception can change overnight?
Just 27 hours ago, the Carolina Panthers were considered the class of the NFC. The New England Patriots, after the Dolphins' debacle on Thursday night, were going to run away with the AFC East. And any fantasy team with Cadillac Williams was in good shape.
All that changed on yesterday's opening Sunday. The NFL, which appeared to be a muddled mess of mediocre teams, well, still appears to be a muddled mess of mediocre teams. But at least we now have some proof to back it up.
As always, it's important to remember that week one is just another week though. Take any of yesterday's results and stick them in the middle of the season and you wouldn't think twice about any of them (except, perhaps, Baltimore's thrashing of Tampa). Much will be written in the coming days about how Atlanta has emerged as the new NFC favorite and New England's throne will be challenged in the AFC, but all those stories are premature.
We don't look at the week seven results and extrapolate them to the rest of the season, so why should we do that in week one?

* The Philadelphia Eagles looked very go yesterday. Donovan McNabb looked fantastic, especially when keenly selling a play-action pass that resulted in a long touchdown pass to the newly acquired Donte Stallworth. The defense, led by Jevon Kearse, was attacking and Brian Westbrook didn't leave on stretcher. The guys on NBC's debut episode of Football Night in America practically named the Eagles the favorites in the NFC. But let's get something straight here: They played the Houston Texans. The same Houston Texans who went 2-14 last season. The same Houston Texans who took Mario Williams with the #1 pick in the draft (which they had, thanks to that 2-14 season). The same Houston Texans who made no discernable upgrade to their team in the offseason. The same Houston Texans whose running back is out for the season, forcing the team into starting a rookie from UVA. The same Houston Texans who, by all accounts, will be a simply terrible team in 2006. This is the team the Philadelphia Eagles beat. Excuse me if I'll delay hopping on their bandwagon.

* Count me as a big fan of the new John Williams-composed theme music to NBC's Sunday Night Football, but any dramatic impact Williams' rousing piece lends to the game is totally negated by the ridiculous intro with Pink. As pop stars go, I sort of like Pink, but which demographic is she catering to?

* It's amazing how much less amusing it is to watch LaVar Arrington's video intro when he's not on your team.

Superlatives
Game of the Day: New England 19 - Buffalo 17
Bill Belichick could stand to listen to Lauryn Hill: Karma, karma, karma comes back to you hard.

Upset of the Day: Baltimore 27 - Tampa Bay 0
It's not the result, it's the way it happened. Jamal Lewis ran nicely, the Ravens had a quarterback finish a game with over a 60% completion percentage and no interceptions for the first time in what seems like forever and everybody who wrote off Ray Lewis (clears throat, looks sheepishly at feet), you better hope he doesn't come find you. (I went to Home Depot and bought another deadbolt just in case.) The Ravens D looked like the Ravens D of old. And that has to scare everybody in the AFC., because if Steve McNair and Jamal Lewis can stay relatively healthy, the Ravens can win 11 games with ease. Or Tampa could just really suck.

Player of the Day: Jeff Wilkins - 6 FG
In a day devoid of offensive firepower, Wilkins' six field goals propelled the Rams to their upset win over Denver. Consider; three of Wilkins field goals were of over 48 yards. Without those, St. Louis loses. Get the MVP trophy ready, boys. At this rate Wilkins will score more points this season than nine NFL teams did in '05. I fully expect him to keep it up.

Ryan Leaf Player of the Day: Chris Simms - 17/29, 133 yds, 3 INT
As my chum Horo said yesterday during Simms' pick-fest, "I think we're seeing Chris Simms' coming out party."

Faulk Fantasy Player of the Day (Superstar): Larry Johnson - 67 rsh yds, 80 rec yds - 14 fantasy points
I'm not being fasacatious. On a day when no superstar broke out, Johnson had a very solid afternoon despite very pedestrian numbers. I didn't think much of Johnson before the season and, while I'm not ready to change my opinion yet, the sign of a fantasy superstar is the ability to post respectable numbers on a "bad day".

Boldin Fantasy Player of the Day (Surprise): Donte Stallworth - 141 rec yds, 1 TD - 22 fantasy points
They were playing the Texans. I can't stress this point enough, people.

Fantasy Bust of the Day: Shaun Alexander - 52 rsh yds - 5 fantasy points
It'd be hypocritical of me to bust out with an "I told you so!" tirade after earlier stressing that we shouldn't put too much stock in week one results. And since I'm not Bill Simmons, I won't. But it's not easy.

Who I Like On Monday Night And I Don't Mean Joe Thiesmann
Getting ready to head out to Happy Hour before the 'Skins game, so I'll be brief. Chargers win in a cakewalk over O