Let Me Reiterate: Jim Bowden Is An Idiot

I've had some time to settle down from my Jim Bowden-induced rage and, lo and behold, the non-deal for Alfonso Soriano still stinks. In an attempt to work myself back up into frothy indignation, here are some more thoughts about the dumbest move in recent sports history.
Alfonso Soriano wants a no-trade clause in his next contract. Nationals president Stan Kasten has never given a player a no-trade clause in his two decades as a sports executive. Ergo, the Washington Nationals will not be re-signing Alfonso Soriano in the offseason.
This has a three-pronged effect. First, the Nats will get two first-round picks in the 2007 draft as compensation for Soriano's free-agent departure. With those picks, Jim Bowden will likely select two unproven high school players. In effect, Soriano will have been "traded" for those two young, unproven players. Today, Bowden could have had at least two proven minor leaguers and possibly one major league arm. He wouldn't have gotten what he expected in the Soriano trade, but at least he would have had something. Now, Bowden has nothing except for the possibility of having a major league player in 2011, long after his tenure as Nationals GM is over. (But even that's a remote possibility because young baseball are notoriously unpredictable. In the 1996 draft only seven of the 30 players taken in the first round are what you would call "solid" Major Leaguers and that's being nice to Travis Lee.)
So, in essence, in 2007 the Washington Nationals will have absolutely nothing to show for the Alfonso Soriano trade. As a result, the team will be even worse than this season (they currently sport the sixth-worst record in the bigs) and attendance will far even further in their final (?) year at RFK.
I can't say this enough: Alfonso Soriano still being a National is mind-boggling. As I wrote earlier today, Bowden's ego got in the way of the team. He has to be fired at the end of the year and Stan Kasten needs to hire a general manager with the sense to build a team the right way; with young players. It won't put butts in the seat next year but grass doesn't grow right away either. It's a process. The only process Jim Bowden believes in is his own ability to turn water into wine.
This line from Barry Svrluga's Washington Post article about the non-trade cracks me up:

Bowden was working under the guidelines set by new Nationals owner Theodore N. Lerner and Kasten to build a strong foundation of young players that can be the heart of a team for years to come.

I guess those are pretty liberal guidelines. Between getting rid of Gary Majewski and Bill Bray and not dealing Soriano, Bowden seems like a crotchety old man who's always yelling at kids on his lawn.
Alright, I've succeeded in riling myself up. Dammit. I'm going to get a beer.

An Anagram of "Jim Bowden" Is "Dim. New Job?"

Sometimes the word "unbelievable" isn't really applicable in a given situation because said situation is actually totally believable, even if its a surprise. That's sort of the way I feel about Jim Bowden's baffling decision to not trade Alfonso Soriano. Unless it comes out that the Nats are currently in negotiations with the star on a long-term contract (which is highly unlikely), Bowden will have stymied the growth and development of the Washington Nationals simply because he lost a pissing contest.
There's only one reason why Alfonso Soriano is still a National: Jim Bowden's massive ego. For weeks Bowden has been telling everybody he would unload Soriano and get a king's ransom in return. He seemingly believed that he'd get two to three top prospects simply because he said he would. Yet the rumor mill was abuzz with talk that Bowden's asking price was far too steep, thus scaring away potential suitors. But Bowden seemed confident that at the last second teams would pull the trigger. When they didn't, Bowden couldn't bring himself to give up Soriano for less than the inflated asking price he had in his head.
Once again, Jim Bowden has made an illogical decision that seriously hamstrings the Nats ability to field a legitimate contender in 2008. It's insane. I don't get it.
Any other GM would have unloaded Soriano for whatever was being offered. But other GMs put their team ahead of their ego. Too bad for the Nats that Jim Bowden doesn't.

Alfonso Soriano? More Like Alfonso Soria-YES!

The MLB trade deadline is in less than 24 hours and Alfonso Soriano is still a member of the Washington Nationals. This is not a surprise, as there was little doubt Jim Bowden would wait until the last minute to deal his coveted left fielder, mainly because doing so would have taken the limelight away from Bowden's favorite person (himself).
I, on the other hand, hate Bowden. He's an egomaniacal self-promoter who probably spends more time doing media interviews than scouting prospects and working the phone (whoops, I mean Blackberry, as Bowden has reminded us so much of late, acting as if he is the only man on the planet cool enough to have one. Name-dropping technology is so weak.)
But I wouldn't care if Bowden was a prick, as long as he was a good GM. He's not though. Not even close. Almost all of his moves as Nats GM have been atrocious (signing Cristian Guzman, trading Saul Rivera, letting go Jamey Carroll, etc.), yet Bowden still has a solid reputation in town all because of the Soriano deal. That the Rangers were just doing the same thing Bowden is attempting to do now (getting something for Soriano before they lost him in free agency) has gone largely unmentioned. Anyway, one good deal makes not a GM, as Bowden has shown during the current Soriano courtship.
Bowden is to journalists as moths are to flames and over the past month he couldn't resist spouting off about how many offers he was getting for Soriano. By conducting negotiations through the media, Bowden's intended effect of getting teams to bid against each other actually worked in reverse. Because the league's other 29 GMs were hearing how high Bowden's asking price was, they held back their offers knowing Bowden's price would have to come down as the trade deadline approached for a number of reasons.
First, it's unlikely Soriano will get a contract extension before tomorrow because the lure of the open market is too great. Secondly, despite Bowden's repeated declarations that he'll keep Soriano if he doesn't get an acceptable offer, nobody is buying the bluff (more on that in a second). Bowden wants everybody to think he has a number of options regarding Soriano. The problem is, he only has two:
1) Trade Soriano to the team who offers the most.
2) Sign Soriano to a five-year contract.
Oh, and he has 22 hours to do this.
Option #2 is highly unlikely. Soriano wants a no-trade clause and Nats President Stan Kasten has never given one. Plus, Soriano's agent knows that a bidding war for his client's services could ensue this November. (Although, the Yankees acquisition of Bobby Abreu would seem to keep them out of the possible Soriano free-agent sweepstakes. Then again, when the Yanks don't win the World Series again this year, Steinbrenner is likely to do this, so anything is possible.)
This means, Bowden realistically only has one option and that is to trade Soriano. That fact seriously hinders any bargaining power Bowden thought he had. Unless some team makes a solid offer that Bowden can use in his negotiations with other teams, his hands are tied.
As for Bowden keeping Soriano and letting him hit the open market in November, I want to believe that said option is not a legitimate possibility. The Nats have to get what they can for Soriano and they have to do it now. If he stays and then bolts, those two first-round draft picks they'll get in compensation would be like winning $5 in the lottery. All sports drafts are highly unpredictable, but baseball's is the most. And it's not like Bowden values high draft picks; after all, he just traded the player he took with the 13th pick in 2004 (Bill Bray).
Livan Hernandez's name was also been tossed around in trade discussions with the most likely destination being in New York with the Mets. The old adage is "never trade a player within the division" but only slightly less well known is this: "Never trade a player within the division and then offer to pay part of his salary."
This has actually been suggested, the Nats taking on some of Livo's $7 million salary for 2007 while he plays in New York. I'd dismiss such speculation as kooky talk, but we are talking about the guy who signed Cristian Guzman to a four-year, $16 million deal.

(And the Orioles are insane for turning down a Miguel Tejada for Ervin Santana/Eric Aybar trade. This is why the hO's hang out in the basement with the Devil Rays while Peter Angelos fiddles. Any time I get too down on Bowden, I just remember that at least the Nats owner isn't that disgrace to Greeks everywhere.)

Larry Johnson Will Be The Biggest Fantasy Bust Of All-Time

This has been a theory of mine seven months in the making, but its probability (no, that's not the right word) was heightened today by Willie Roaf's retirement. I'm telling you there haven't been this many red flags waving since Stalin marched in Red Square.
I'll explain my reasons for believing in LJ's imminent bustability when Chris's Sports Blog's multi-part NFL Preview Extravaganza debuts in a few weeks. (Up until today I had planned on saving my Larry Johnson Theory until I previewed fantasy running backs, but with so many idiots writing fantasy columns on all the major sports sites, it was only a matter of time before some editor forced one of them to write a non-convincing piece arguing against the virtues of drafting Johnson #1 overall that would inevitably end with a non-definitive statement like, "Johnson could be the best fantasy player this season, but don't be surprised if he's not.")
Anyway, until the preview, check back here immediately following news of the Alfonso Soriano trade for a detailed explanation of why Jim Bowden is a complete idiot.

This Is Almost As Stunning As Lance Bass Coming Out

ESPN.com breathlessly dubs Floyd Landis' failed drug test as "Positively Stunning" and the blurb linking to Pat Forde's column reads:

This is a dark day not just for cycling, says Pat Forde, but for all sports fans. If Floyd Landis, the winner of the Tour de France, is confirmed to have cheated, can we ever trust anyone again?

Alright. First of all, how is a cyclist testing positive for too much testosterone even mildly surprising? Before this Tour de France the best non-Lance-named cylcist in the world failed a drug test and was kicked out of the Tour. Last year the World Doping Agency banned a handful of riders from the race just one year after informing three-quarters of the population of The Netherlands that they tested positive too.
This is what cyclists do. They cheat. They take steroids, blood dope, drink the blood of French children or do whatever is necessary to get ahead in a sport that nobody cares about for 342 days of the year. A cyclist testing positive for steroids is about as surprising as Shawn Kemp getting hit-up for child support.
Even more important is this: Two weeks ago nobody outside of the editors at Bicycling had even heard of Floyd Landis. So why is his disgrace signaling the end of our collective innocence? Did the lone Indian guy by the side of the road shed a tear when Jason Grimsley got caught with a lifetime supply of HGH? Of course not. Because he was Jason Freakin' Grimsley.
Floyd Landis is named Floyd. And he looks like Ken Jennings' wimpy brother. And he rides a bike for a living. Why exactly am I supposed to care about this, especially when nobody is adressing the very large elephant that has been airlifted into the room because of the positive test.
Follow my logic here: Before the Tour Jan Ullrich gets busted for doping. After the Tour the winner gets busted for doping. Every year a handful of cyclists get busted for doping. Knowing these facts, are we really supposed to believe that Lance Armstrong didn't cheat also? I know, I know. We're not allowed to mention this because Armstrong has done wonderful things for cancer research and for children with the disease. But I, for one, find it impossible to believe that Armstrong was clean throughout his seven wins.
Face it. Lance cheated too. But just like with Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa back in 1998, everybody wants to turn a blind eye to reality. Hopefully Floyd Landis' downfall will expose Lance Armstrong. More than likely though, it will merely reinforce Lance's image as a savior in an unsavory sport.

The Lightning Round

* Tiger Woods has had more dominating wins in majors before, but Sunday's performance at the British Open might have been his most impressive. Of the 67 shots Tiger took in the final round, 65 were placed exactly where he wanted them.

* Jim Bowden is an idiot. He's going to fuck up the Soriano trade. There's no doubt in my mind about this.

* I need some AC in my life. Air conditioning, not Slater. Although if Slater could fix my air conditioning, I could then certainly use some Slater in my life.

* Floyd Landis' win in the Tour de France totally makes Lance Armstrong's seven wins in the event about 70% less impressive. Right?

* I'm not certain why, but I'm happy Miami Vice is getting good reviews.

* This confirms my theory that SI.com just pulls people off the street to write for them.

* The only thing dumber than SI.com fantasy writers is the NCAA, an organization that is actually considering renaming Division I-A football as the "Football Bowl Subdivision" and Division I-AA as the "NCAA Football Championship Subdivision." Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it? With decisions like this, I fear that the NCAA will eventually ruin March Madness by doubling the size of the Tournament's field.

* Potomac, MD native Paul Goldstein knocks off Lleyton Hewitt last night in Los Angeles.

* It's 86 degrees in my house right now. The heat is totally affecting this entry. Writing a joke following the "football bowl subdivision" line should have been - seriously, I can't even finish this sentence. I have to get the hell out of here.

The Fearless Prediction

Despite reports to the contrary, Alfonso Soriano will not be traded to the Chicago White Sox.

There's just something fishy about this whole story. A source close to the team says Kenny Williams is close to the deal, but won't part with pitcher Brandon McCarthy. The Nats reportedly are only interested in McCarthy, which makes the "extremely close" line that has been widely reported seem a little far-fetched.
I think it's just posturing by Chicago in an attempt to get the Yanks, Angels and, most importantly, the Tigers to pony up more prospects for what will be a ten-week rental.

The Friday Four

* Sports Illustrated's Michael Silver often comes across as a smug, "too cool for the room" type of guy in his writing. That his SI.com picture (right, complete with hipster glasses, unkempt hair and stubble) makes him come across as a smug, "too cool for the room" type of guy clearly doesn't help matters.
Still, Silver is a very good writer and despite my repeated intentions to dismiss his work, his player profiles are the best around. Sometimes his stuff is a little too cutesy (like that time he deemed the NFL "insufferable"), yet other times I want to stand and applaud a column (yes, Dan Snyder is one of the best owners in the NFL). To say that I'm on the fence about Michael Silver is about right. But just when I think I'm stuck there, Silver writes a lede like the one that appeared in his magazine piece on Ricky Williams and I realize that even though it may be a love/hate thing, Michael Silver will always be alright with me:

The moment of truth for the Toronto Argonauts arrived at 4:20 p.m. last Saturday, as the home team faced a third-and-one at the Winnipeg Blue Bombers' 15-yard line in the first quarter of a scoreless game.

I'll just let that one speak for itself. (If my mom weren't out of town this weekend, I'd be expecting a call in a few hours asking why that paragraph would make me like Michael Silver.)

* Man-hug to Mr. Irrelevant for directing my attention to the health woes of Redskins superfan Chief Zee. The Chief, aka 65-year old Zema Williams, is well-known to all Redskins fans as "that guy who dresses up in the headdress and cheers loud at every game." He and the Hogettes have been fixtures at 'Skins games for decades.
NFL Films immortalized Chief Zee in 1983 when they put a clip of him cheering on John Riggins ("here comes the diesel, (diesel engine noises), let's go diesel") before the RB's Super Bowl-clinching 43-yard TD run. That same year, the Chief was hospitalized after Eagles fans at the Vet beat him up and stole his costume. (Hey, if Eagles fans need to get their jollies beating on a defenseless old man, that's cool. It's not like they've ever had a Super Bowl win to celebrate.)
Last season my excitement before the crucial Skins/Giants Christmas Eve tilt was greatly intensified when Chief Zee pulled into the FedEx Field parking lot driving an old school Cadillac with his horn blaring "Hail to the Redskins". When he came around to high-five everybody in the tailgate it felt like a "moment". The same people who would duck their heads if a real mascot ever came around were enthusiastically running over to the Chief to get some love before the game.
Sadly, Chief Zee has had a run of health problems since the season ended and his medical bills might cause him to sit out the 2006 season. Mister Irrelevant writes, "Even if he does find the dough to attend games, making his usual rounds throughout the stadium will be pretty difficult."
He, and other bloggers, are imploring all Redskins fans to email the Redskins in an attempt to get Dan Snyder on the case. If the man can afford one year of Deion Sanders, surely he can foot the bill for Chief Zee to get to the games.

* Either Chris Sheridan has some really big balls or he's just a huge idiot. Judging by his picture and this column about the USA Basketball team, I'm going to guess the latter.
For those who don't have somebody else's Insider name and password (it's the gift that keeps on giving... right up until you got a message saying too many IP addresses are accessing this account), Sheridan does a complete rip-job of Coach K's coaching strategy for Team USA.
According to Gilbert Arenas (and that in itself could be a stretch - I love Gil, but he's not exactly the most reliable source), Coach K told the team, "We have to go out there and be dominant for 56 quarters -- every quarter of every game we play. That's our mission."
Sheridan proceeds to criticize this statement over the next three dozen paragraphs, oft repeating the argument that since the U.S. hasn't won a world title since 2000, they should focus more on winning rather than dominating. (Look Chris! I just made your point in one sentence. They must pay by the word over at Insider.) Ballard's entire point can be summarized with this gem of a paragraph:

You can't be dominant if you're not even superior, and right now there's a team in Argentina that has first dibs on worldwide rights to being the best. Manu Ginobili and Co. earned that distinction fair and square in Athens, and they get to keep it until somebody knocks them off their perch.

There's so much disjointed logic in that paragraph that I don't know where to begin, so I'll just say this: The U.S. is still the team to beat in any international competition. Just because Larry Brown was in over his head with a team the selection committee did a terrible job of picking doesn't change this fact.
The last World Championships and Olympics were a wake-up call to Team USA. They now know that they can't simply show up and collect gold. But they're still the best. And as such, they should play like the best.
In the past when these "Dream Teams" would get down in a game they didn't play with any urgency. Since they were supposed to win, they figured they would win eventually. With his words, Coach K is letting his players know that it's not OK to get down in a game. It's not OK to get complacent with a halftime deficit. They will, surely, but that should never be alright.
There's no reason Team USA should drop any game in these Tournaments. They are the best team in the world, past results be damned, and Coach K knows this. He also knows the best way to appeal to these multimillionaire superstars is to play to their ego. "You want to be the best? Then play like the best." That's essentially what Coach K is saying with his "dominate for 56 quarters" schpiel. Even though I despise the man, he was chosen for this job for a reason. I have complete faith in Coach K's ability to bring back gold. Had Team USA hired Chris Ballard; well, that'd be a different story altogether.

* And finally, if Nike ads were more literal:

It's Never The Offseason For Clinton Portis

Clinton Portis channels Southeast Jerome, Sheriff Gonna Getcha, Bro Sweets and his cast of characters during a recent commercial shoot for the NFL Network's new show NFL Replay (clever title, guys). I'm guessing all this dressing up means CP will continue his Thursday shenanigans in 2006. And that's a good thing for everybody.

Even with the googly eyes, Portis still looks slightly more believable as a doctor than that chick from Grey's Anatomy.

Even with the purple hair and Dame Edna sunglasses, Portis still looks less slightly gay than a regularly-dressed Eli Manning.

It says a lot about CP when the most bizarre thing about this picture is the fact that he's standing on a spray painted piece of wood.
Photos courtesy: SI.com

Wake Forest Has A Football Team?

Over at Eagle In Atlanta, the fine Boston College sports blog, Bill has been previewing BC's upcoming football season. In order to get a read on the teams BC will face in 2006, Bill has been interviewing bloggers for all of the Eagles' opponents. Since Tom O'Brien and company travel to Winston-Salem on November 4, I had the honor of answering Bill's questions about Wake Forest.

1) What is the one thing that all the experts have wrong about this year's Wake Forest team?
Both Athlon and Blue Ribbon seem to think the Deacs won't finish in the cellar of the ACC Atlantic, so that's one thing. But if I had to pick something else, the loss of Chris Barclay won't hurt as much as expected. In 2005 the senior RB became the first Wake Forest player to win the ACC's Offensive Player of the Year Award since 1979, so it would seem natural that his graduation would cripple a team that has had limited success over the past, oh, millennium. But Barclay, for as good as he was, always was more of a system runner. Just like any running back in the Denver Broncos backfield is nearly guaranteed a 1,000 yard season, Jim Grobe's ground-attack gives opportunities for big seasons to players that would languish deep on the depth charts of other ACC schools. (This is not to suggest the Deacs o-line is anything like the Broncos; for one thing they don't cheat nearly as much, but that's a topic for another day.) Let's just say that it's not coincidence Barclay went undrafted.

Without the reigning POY, junior Micah Andrews will carry the load for Wake. In the 2005 opener Barclay sat out because of a suspension and Andrews nearly set a school record in his stead, rushing for 254 yards against a solid Vanderbilt team. Andrews won't win POY honors, but the Deacs rushing attack should be fine in his hands.

2) The team struggled last year when Ben Mauk started [at QB]. Any reason to think things will be different this year?
Not really. Mauk was Jim Grobe's most heavily hyped recruit after setting national records as a high school quarterback in Ohio. But ever since he threw an 85-yard TD pass on his first throw in college, Mauk has been a relative disappointment. He looks and acts the part, but has always been mistake-prone when he's on the field. Perhaps the graduation of Cory Randolph will help though. After starting the first few games in '05, Mauk was pulled for the senior and didn't get back on the field until an injury forced Randolph to the sidelines. It's possible that without a reason to look over his shoulder (Mauk's backups will be redshirt freshmen), the junior QB will be able to shine with a longer leash.

3) Everyone in the ACC thinks highly of Jim Grobe, but what do Wake fans think? Is there any frustration with the whole "he gets a lot out of his talent, but they still lose" mentality?
The Jim Grobe lovefest has always been a bit baffling, not because Grobe's a bad coach but because he really hasn't done all that much at Wake to deserve such praise. After a promising start in 2001, Grobe led the Deacs to a bowl victory in 2002. Wake finished 7-6 that year, but lost three winnable games in the final seconds. After that season, the "Grobe is great" chatter began and it was widely assumed he would leave Wake Forest for a better job within the year. Expectations were high in 2003, but the team struggled, bottoming out in a 51-17 loss to Division I-A newbie Connecticut. It was more of the same in '04 and '05; the Deacs would win close games against good opponents (BC in '04, NCSU and Clemson the following season) but couldn't close out the likes of Vanderbilt and North Carolina.

It's clear Grobe is a good program builder, but his end-of-game strategies have always been baffling. Too many times Wake lets the clock run down during the two-minute drill, or calls for a running play on 4th and 2 when a pass is clearly needed. At some point the 'bad luck' argument fades and it becomes clear that the Deacs lose close games for a reason.

Having a successful football team at Wake Forest is difficult. Beyond Brian's Song there is no football history at the school, the university has the smallest enrollment of all BCS schools and has a suburban campus, making recruiting against Florida teams and schools located near cities (hello, BC) extremely difficult. So, in that regard, Grobe has done well just having the Deacs competitive. At some point, however, the team has to take the next step; the "next step" being consistent presence in the postseason. It's nice that ACC schools don't regard Wake as a pushover anymore, but that's not Grobe's ultimate goal. He wants to be a perennial contender for a bowl game and maybe sneak in an upset or two.

This will be Grobe's sixth year in Winston-Salem. Nobody realistically expected him to be there longer than three. It's not by choice. Had the Deacs lived up to expectations in 2003, Grobe would be on a sideline somewhere else. But those teams failed, much as Grobe has. Like I said earlier, Wake is no longer a doormat, but at least there's some pride in being a doormat. Seasons that begin with high expectations and end with records of 4-7 are just plain depressing.

4) The last three BC-Wake games have come down to the final two minutes. Care to make a premature prediction about this year's game?
Down 20 with 3:00 left to play, Wake will score two quick TDs and recover an onside kick down six points. Holding all three timeouts, the team will get down to the Eagles one-yard line and have four shots to get in the endzone in the game's final 19 seconds. After calling for three consecutive fullback smashes that go nowhere and using all three timeouts, Grobe's team will face a do-or-die 4th and goal from the one-inch line. Grobe will instruct Ben Mauk to lineup in a shotgun, whereupon he will promptly get sacked for a 47-yard loss.

E. Rod

I enjoy ripping Alex Rodriguez. Some would say I love it. Others might venture a guess that if it was deemed acceptable by society, I would marry ripping Alex Rodriguez. So you can imagine how much pleasure it gave me to turn on SportsCenter last night to see A. Rod making three errors, striking out with the bases loaded, getting showered with boos by his hometown fans and getting yanked by Joe Torre for a defensive replacement. It was like Christmas came early.
At the time, I figured the New York tabloids would jump all over A. Rod (they did, right), but that would be about it. He might be the most overpaid player in baseball, but Rodriguez still won last year's MVP (even if undeservedly) and is still a respectable third baseman. But even I wasn't prepared for the whipping Rodriguez took from the Baseball Tonight crew this morning.
Now it goes without saying that John Kruk is a moron. He has almost single-handedly made Baseball Tonight an unwatchable show with his moronic analysis and continuing attempts to become the John Madden of baseball. Yet even at Kruk's worst (when he called out Derek Lowe and Dave Roberts for wearing Red Sox uniforms at the team's World Series celebration in 2005), you could still kind of see where he was coming from. Last night, however, Kruk's idiocy hit the ground running and didn't stop until it passed out on the ground in an exhausted heap in the middle of Vermont.
After the highlights of A. Rod's three errors, Kruk began discussing how much trouble the Yankees were in because, with A. Rod's problems, they'd have to play Jason Giambi at first and Andy Phillips at third. No mention was made that such a scenario is totally ludicrous and would never happen. Hell, no mention was made that even benching A. Rod was a possibility. Kruk merely assumed this would happen; believing that A. Rod had turned into Chuck Knoblauch overnight.
Kruk's assertion turned into a five-minute discussion that was ended only when Steve Phillips, of all people, mentioned that one bad game makes not a headcase and that Joe Torre was far from having to bench A. Rod.
A. Rod is definitely a pretty boy wuss, that goes without saying. He clearly does not react well to pressure. And his lips are most assuredly the color purple. But he's still one of the best players in baseball, even in the midst of his current season-long slump.
Some will say forcing the trade to the Yankees was the worst thing for A. Rod. It certainly was a bad move for him (he'd be much better in a more relaxed baseball town like, say, St. Louis), but the worst move A. Rod made was letting Scott Boras convince him to go to Texas for $252 million. After that, A. Rod was, fairly or unfairly, viewed as a greedy, me-first player without any care for his team's success. Great players always have a target on their backs, but great players making $25 million per season have targets on their heads too.
A. Rod will never shake the criticisms that have dogged him throughout his Yankee career unless he has a significent role in winning a World Series title. His money and status as the game's resident pretty boy ensure that. Some say that Rodriguez is off the hook if he wins a ring, but if the Yankees win a title with A. Rod hitting .167 in the series and coming up short in clutch situations, that will only stoke the fires further.
A. Rod got himself into this mess and only he, and he alone, can get himself out. His reputation and place in history depends on it. But even if Rodriguez retires a championship-less choker, he can still take comfort in the fact that he's not John Kruk.

Let's Make A Deal! (Who Wants Cristian Guzman?)

Over the next 14 days, the future of the Washington Nationals will come into focus. With the July 31st trade deadline approaching, team president Stan Kasten and GM Jim Bowden have to decide which veterans to jettison, which teams to deal with and which prospects they want in return. When the dust settles, many of the players that will take the field when the Nats' new stadium opens in 2008 (maybe) will be on the team's major or minor league rosters. Bowden has been notoriously short-sighted in his dealings as Nationals GM (hello Jose Guillen), but with Kasten peering over his shoulder, Bowden should get the idea that the Nats time to win is in '08, not '07.
Listed below are the players the Nationals should trade away. After that is the group of players the Nats wouldn't deal even if Bowden was offered four of Cristian Guzman's relatives. Any player not mentioned is expendable but not likely to draw interest, except as a possible throw-in to a trade.

Players To Trade
Alfonso Soriano
This is a no-brainer, which worries me because so is Bowden. With Soriano eligible for free agency at the end of the season and likely to command upwards of 4 years/$50 million, it would seem highly unlikely that the Nats would have any chance of outbidding the handful of teams that will be pursuing the poor-fielding slugger, especially if Soriano is looking to make a move back to 2nd base.
Therefore, Bowden only has two real options regarding his leadoff slugger:
1) Sign Soriano to a contract extension before July 31.
2) Trade Soriano for two young prospects and a major league arm.
Option 1 isn't happening unless owner Ted Lerner gives Soriano $75 million and agrees to put him in his will, so it has to be option 2. Soriano's agents would be insane to not let their player hit the open market in November so, unless the Nats go $10 million over what Soriano expects to get (which won't happen), he's going to be a free agent. (I'm assuming Soriano isn't repped by the Poston brothers, of course.)
As a result, Bowden is forced into option 2; trading Soriano for prospects. Many in D.C. won't like this, but pleasing fans isn't the job of a GM. The long-term benefits will far outweigh the short-term publicity hit anyway. (It's tough for casual fans to accept trading an All-Star for two players they won't see or hear about for two seasons and it's understandable. When it comes to sports I, on the other hand, am very patient, which will surprise those who have ever had the privilege of sitting in the passenger seat while I'm driving. This is why I ranted and raved when Bowden unloaded Juan Rivera for Jose Guillen last spring. Last June, when Guillen was part of a first-place team I looked like an idiot, today I'm a prescient genius. Well, always, not just today.)
Soriano's likely destinations are either New York or Los Angeles. I've heard it mentioned that the team can't trade him to the Mets because they play in the same division, but Soriano's agent is going to test the waters regardless of where his player is traded to. If Soriano is going to sign with Omar Minaya, he's going to sign with Omar Minaya no matter what role the Nats have in it.

Livan Hernandez
Livan Hernandez is done. This is the third time he's been "done" in his career, which means he's due for a career resurgence right about the time he gets traded to whichever contender is desperate enough to trade an upper-tier prospect for an overweight, injured pitcher with an ERA close to six.
Somebody will want Livan because he's a workhorse (he's averaged 236 innings pitched over the last six seasons), has postseason experience and is relatively cheap. He won't command a top prospect but the Nats could easily steal away a great player if their scouts are up to the task.

Jose Guillen
Jim Bowden is like an older brother to Jose Guillen, albeit an older brother who wears velour sweatsuits, gets in drunken screaming matches with his ex-model wife while drinking and driving and donates to the charity of Cristian Guzman. Bowden sees the good in Guillen, which is usually on display between the hours of 2:41 a.m. and 2:43 a.m. on alternating Tuesdays. Guillen is a proven clubhouse cancer and has butted heads with more people than Hasim Rahman. (Ahh, you thought I was going to go for the easy Zidane joke there, didn't you?? Don't worry, there's still time.)
Yet, somebody will want him because of his power and $1.8 million still on his contract. Guillen will be a rental like Soriano because he's up for free agency at the end of the year, but for a pennant run, teams could do a lot worse than Jose Guillen. (By the way, when Guillen does hit the market, he's going to kick himself for not taking the four-year, $30 million the Nats reportedly offered in spring training.)

Tony Armas
He's still miffed his dad didn't crack the Red Sox starting lineup in RBI Baseball, but Armas will likely command some attention in a market devoid of arms.

Mike Stanton
One more go-around with the Yankees and Stanton is eligible for a free Salad Shooter. Nobody will want Stanton before this trade deadline, but when September comes and left-handed relievers are at a premium, even an old, decrepit one like Mike Stanton will draw some interest.

Damian Jackson
He's no Dave Roberts, but Jackson adds speed to a lineup, even if he has just one stolen base in 2006.

Daryle Ward
I haven't heard his name mentioned in conjunction with any trades, but "Nationals trade Daryle Ward to Reds for player to be named later" just seems like far too likely a thing to be seen on a SportsCenter ticker next week.

Untouchables
Ryan Zimmerman
At this point, Bowden wouldn't trade Ryan Zimmerman for Robert Zimmerman.

Jose Vidro
He should be, at the very least. For all Vidro has done for this franchise (taking less money to stay in Montreal, soldiering on through the Puerto Rico years and playing hurt), the Nationals should do whatever Jose Vidro wants them to do. If that means trading him, then they should honour the request. If it means retaining him and erecting a statue outside RFK, do that too. And yes, I spelled "honor" with a "u". It just looks cooler that way. And I wouldn't be lying if I said Vidro is one of my favourite players.

Chad Cordero
Cordero is struggling in '06, but Bowden would be crazy to get rid of him. Hold on, if Bowden is crazy (Guzman, Cristian), can I still write that last sentence? Or would it be: "Cordero is struggling in '06, but Bowden would be crazier to get rid of him." No, that's still awkward. I don't care, I'm moving on anyway.

Elliot Ness
Wait... Wrong list.

Brian Schneider
He might hit like his last name is Guzman and his first name is that of a major world religion, but Schneider is one of the best defensive catchers in baseball and a great clubhouse leader. (Plus, he's signed until 2009 and has a contract nobody will touch, but let's stick with the defense and leader thing because that makes everybody happier.)

Nick Johnson
You think the Yankees wouldn't mind having Nick Johnson at first instead of Andy Phillips this season? Or is Cashman satisfied with how the Javier Vazquez trade turned out.

John Patterson
I'd call him a poor man's Mark Prior, but that'd be assuming Mark Prior was a rich man's anything.

Gary Majewski
He's been overworked to death, but Majewski is young and talented and has a role on this team in the future.

Bill Bray
Even though Bowden and Frank Robinson seem intent on killing Bray's career by sporadically using him in middle-relief when he should be throwing regularly in the minors, the Nats won't part with their '04 first-round pick.

Update (3:46 p.m.) Bray and Majewski apparently weren't untouchable as Bowden just traded them and Royce Clayton to the Reds for Austin Kearns and Felipe Lopez. If there was any doubt as to whether Bowden would screw up the Nats, none remains now. Look for Soriano to get dealt to the Yankees for Tanyon Sturtze any day now. Both Kearns and Lopez are good enough players, but each will be a free agent at season's end. So much for building for the future. Stan Kasten will rue the day he opted to retain Jim Bowden. Unbelievable.

Answering Questions Directed Towards Somebody Else

The NFL season kicks off in 54 days and, to commerate the event, Scouts.com analyst Gary Horton took questions this morning on ESPN.com. This afternoon, I will answer some questions as if they were directed towards me.

Justin (NJ): Is this the year that Peyton and CO. finally get over the hump in Indy and get to the Super Bowl?
Chris: My, we're setting our sights quite low, aren't we Justin? Has Peyton's rep taken such a hit that we now have to ask if the Colts will merely make the Super Bowl instead of winning the whole thing?
But to answer your question, I think Peyton and Co. will get over a hump this year, and by over I mean under and by hump I mean the Jaguars. Since 1999 the Colts have finished with 10 wins or more every year except for in 2001 when they went 6-10. In 2001, you might remember, Edgerrin James was lost for the season with a torn ACL. I'm probably treading on next month's 15-part NFL Preview but, needless to say, the Colts won't be a featured pick.

John ( New York ): Hey Gary why is everyone so down on the Raiders? They have tons of talent on offense and their defense is younger and fast and I think they will surprise some people.
Chris: Younger and fast are the way I like my women, not my defenses.

Gary (NY): How does Eli fare this year? Does he join the ranks of his brother finally?
Chris: Yes, Eli will continue to be a non-time Super Bowl champion quarterback this season, just like his brother. To answer the first part second, Eli will perform just as well as he has to date, which is to say, not very well at all.
By the way, this is the third consecutive question from New York and New Jersey. Who's moderating this chat, Paul Tagliabue?

Richard, Tampa FL: What is your prediction for Nick Saban's second year? How close is he to how he wants it?
Chris: Looks like we got our subconsciously homoerotic question out of the way. Thanks, Richard!

Dan S (Washington DC): Gary, are you buying Alex Smith in SF? Always thought he was the #1 pick by circumstance. Is this guy a gamer at this level on any other team...besides Houston of course?
Chris: He has Norv Turner by his side now. What could possibly go wrong?!

Mark (Richmond, VA): Gary, I'm a huge Redskins Fan, but I am disappointed in the receivers we obtained this offseason. Yes, they are better than what we had, but there is still no HEIGHT!!! With Sam Madison, Will Peterson, Terrance Newman, Anthony Henry, Lito Sheppard, and Sheldon Brown twice a year, do you think the 06-07 Smurfs can get the job done??? I feel this is the weakest spot on the team!!!
Chris: Mark, you deserve to be hit in the throat and the stomach. First of all, Santana Moss was the second-best receiver in the NFL last season with David Freakin' Patten lining up beside him. A blind mute could play receiver better than Patten did in '05, so anybody is an improvement. With Antwaan Randle-El and Brandon Lloyd aboard, the Redskins make automatic improvements to the receiving corps, improvements which will free up Moss from all the attention he drew last season. My main worry is that the Redskins don't have a prototypical possession receiver; but Chris Cooley can fill that role quite nicely.
Height at receiver is overrated anyway. T.O. is considered a tall receiver yet he's "only" 6'3 (just three inches taller than Brandon Lloyd). Jerry Rice was listed at 6'2, but that's about as reliable as the 5'11 that's on my license. Gary Horton makes a very good point in the actual chat about this topic:

I think we've seen that with the new contact rules in the NFL, small receivers are very much en vogue again. I love cornerbacks that like to bump and run, but the rules don't allow them to push receivers all over the field. And these little guys will get off the jam and separate, and this will be a great Redskins passing attack, in my opinion.

Second of all, Mark, you just listed Sam Madison, Anythony Henry, Sheldon Brown and Lito Sheppard as cornerbacks to be afraid of. I wouldn't be afraid of Lito Sheppard if we had to fight to the death and he had a gun and I had a spork; so I don't think Santana Moss is going to lose sleep over Lito Sheppard. Lito Sheppard! Ha! That's laughable, man!

Fritz (New Brunswick NJ): Will the Chargers make the playoffs even with Rivers at the Helm?
Chris: Is "the Helm" a nickname for the Chargers? Because i'm not understanding the capitalization, Fritz. I'm really, really not.

Jason (ATX): Hey Gary thanks for taking time to answer my question. Who do you think will have the Best D in the NFL this year? Do you think Steve Smith can/will put up numbers like last year (since teams will have to keep an eye on KJ)? If so shouldnt he be the leagues MVP?
Chris: Don't you think it's pretty presumptuous to thank Gary for answering your question before he actually answers it? It's like writing a thank you note for a gift you haven't received. Maybe that's the custom in ATX, I don't know. I just don't know anything, except that it's lunch time.

An Awkward Hello

Hey there. Um, good to see you again. Yes, it has been a while since we've spoken. Uh, how are you doing? Good, good, me too. Me too. What? Oh yeah, the weather has been nice. Quite nice. Fireworks? Yeah, uh, I saw some fireworks. That's true, they are loud. You make a good point. Listen, I know it's been a while but I've been really busy and every time I've tried to write a blog I've been having computer trouble or something else comes up, like when my dog got sick on Thursday. Oh, did I say "dog," because you're right, I don't have a dog. I totally meant "self." True, I could have called or even posted something short last week, but I didn't, OK? I'm not perfect. All I can say is I'm sorry. That's never good enough for you, is it? IS IT?! I'm sorry, I'll lower my voice. Yup, you take care too. Yes, I would like to maybe get together one day for some frozen yogurt, or maybe even a whole meal of food. Sure, I'll definitely give you a call. Bye.

* Zidane was born about 60 years too late. For if he had been in France in the early 1940s that crazed, balding frog would have head-butted Hitler back to the Reichstag, thus avoiding much of WWII. Now, he's just another reason to hate all French people. All of them.

* Has there ever been a less compelling pitching matchup in an All-Star game than Kenny Rogers vs. Brad Penny? For that matter, has there ever been a pitching matchup between two guys who sound like they could have guest-starred on a Dolly Parton album?

* Have any individuals received more coverage on ESPN for doing nothing in their careers than Michelle Wie and Danica Patrick? Well, besides A. Rod, of course.

* Seriously, Kenny Rogers vs. Brad Penny. In my ten team fantasy baseball league Kenny Rogers went in the 25th round and Brad Penny went undrafted altogether. Granted, there are a bunch of idiots in my league (including the guy who took Rogers and then cut him, allowing him to be plucked off the waiver wire by yours truly), but still... Kenny Rogers vs. Brad Penny? People in Detroit and Los Angeles would avoid going to a Rogers/Penny regular season game, and now they're starting in the All-Star game?

* Throughout July I'll be posting sporadically, so keep checking back.

If Frankie Says Relax, Who Am I To Argue?

Just like Kornheiser and Wilbon, I'm taking the week off. Unlike the PTI hosts, however, I won't subject you to the incoherent ramblings of Dan LeBetard and the jolly ignorance of Jason Whitlock. Because, I, Cladius, care about you, the reader, much too much for that.
Instead, here's a look back at some posts from the past year that people seemed to like for some reason. Today we're hopping in the DeLorean and setting the date for December 2, 2005, the day I picked the week 13 games in the NFL. I should mention that this seemingly routine entry was chosen for two very special reasons: 1) The Skins-Rams pick contains my favorite newspaper excerpt of all time and... No, there was only one reason.

NFL Picks: Week 13

Atlanta at Carolina
If Atlanta loses this game, their playoff chances could go up in flames. Luckily, Michael Vick knows all about how to deal with burning sensations.
Pick: Carolina

Green Bay at Chicago
If Brett Favre can lead the Packers to victory this Sunday at Soldier Field, it will be his 13th victory in 14 trips to the Windy City. When told that Favre was challenging her reign as the ruler of Chicago, Oprah promptly put out a hit on him.
Pick: Chicago

Houston at Baltimore
I never make Oprah jokes for fear of her wrath, which I imagine involves her sending Stedman to put a car bomb in my ride so the next time I stick the key in the ignition I blow up Casino-style. But since Oprah and Dave kissed and made up last night, I figure Oprah needs a new enemy. And a guy who writes a blog that gets 250 hits a day is probably just what she’s looking for.
Pick: Baltimore

Minnesota at Detroit
Matt Millen must either have
a) pictures of William Clay Ford on the Vikings sex cruise
or
b) a patent for a flying car that he’s threatening to take to Toyota if Ford ever fires him.
These are the only two possible explanations for Millen still having a job. The only two.
Pick: Detroit

Jacksonville at Cleveland
Is it just me, or does this seem like the third consecutive week the Jags are playing the Browns?
Pick: Jacksonville

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
If Chad Johnson’s much-anticipated touchdown celebration is anything other than him putting on a Troy Polamalu wig and playing the rest of the game with it streaming out from underneath his helmet, I’m going to be very disappointed.
Pick: Cincinnati

Tennessee at Indianapolis
About midway through the Duke-Indiana game earlier this week, I commented about how J.J. Redick didn’t seem to be doing as much crowd-taunting and showboating as he usually does. I couldn’t figure out why. Then, at the start of the second half, ESPN showed Edgerrin James sitting in the crowd with one of his boys, in all their ghettofied, gold-toothed glory, and suddenly everything made sense. It also explained why J.J. Redick had a round wet-spot on his drawers after he hit his first three.
Pick: Indianapolis

Buffalo at Miami
One quick thought about the Colts run at a perfect season: Everyone seems to be assuming the quest ends if Indy finishes 16-0, forgetting that it takes 19 wins to get to a perfect season. So the Colts aren’t five games away from perfection, they’re eight, a half-season.
A 16-0 record is worthless if you don’t win the Super Bowl. Think of it this way; if the Colts go 16-0 and don't win the Super Bowl, people will call it the greatest choke-job of all-time. Tony Dungy seems to realize this, and it’s why he’s said he won’t play his starters much in the final regular season game if the team is 15-0 at the time. (It will be interesting to see if he buckles under the pressure and plays his guys if that scenario should unfold. Dungy doesn’t seem to be that kind of guy, though.)
Ask any player or coach in the league which feat they’d rather accomplish – finishing 16-0 and losing in the playoffs or finishing 8-8 and winning the Super Bowl – and 100% would choose the latter. A perfect season is nice; winning the Super Bowl is the reason you play the game.
In reality, a loss is the best thing that can happen to the Colts in the next five weeks. It will take a good bit of pressure off headed into the playoffs, where the weight of a possible perfect season, in addition to the standard “can Peyton win in January” questions, would be quite intense. Still, this will all become a moot point when Indy loses before week 17 anyway.
Pick: Miami

Dallas at New York Giants
Yesterday, while in line at the grocery store I helped an old lady pick up the dog food she had under her cart. After thanking me profusely, she dug in her purse and gave me a $20 Starbucks gift card she said she wouldn’t use because she doesn’t drink coffee. Then, I went to get some hot & sour soup from the nearby Chinese restaurant and my man inside told me it was on the house. Later that night, I won $70 playing poker and on the drive home hit every single green light from D.C. to Bethesda. And about five minutes ago, while perusing the slim beverage offerings in my refrigerator (expired milk and nearly-expired half-and-half), I remembered that I had perspicaciously hidden a Diet Mountain Dew in the vegetable crisper about two weeks ago for just such an occasion.
Still, the highlight of my day was hearing Tiki Barber refer to his quarterback as Elisha during “Five Good Minutes” on PTI.
Pick: New York Giants

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
Awesome facts about Ed Hochuli I learned from his appearance on the NFL Network’s fantastic Six Days to Sunday: His nickname is “Big Guns”, he shaves his arms and legs, his boss, NFL head of officiating Mike Pereira, is a moron and referee apologist, Hochuli loves it when the players talk about his massive forearms, Hochuli’s family enjoys Thanksgiving dinner with fellow ref Mike Carey and, finally, there’s a chance Hochuli’s forearms could do for world hunger what Jake Plummer’s mustache did for rising gas prices.
Pick: New Orleans

Denver at Kansas City
Who do you think would win in a fight between Ed Hochuli’s forearms and Jake Plummer’s mustache? The ‘stache would be the Inigo Montaya of the battle; smooth-talking, deceptive and quick, while Hochuli’s guns would have the raw strength of an Andre the Giant. Even though the forearms would be the prohibitive favorite, Plummer’s upper-lip hair would likely win because it’d have no scruples about fighting dirty and breaking out a pair of brass knuckles or razor blade. Hochuli’s guns are just too damn classy for that. Of course, both would lose to the man in black anyway, so I guess it’s a good thing Jerry Glanville is retired.
Pick: Kansas City

New York Jets at New England
This week, Tom Brady (right) tried to get his mind off his four interception performance by taking the Titanic out for a late-night jaunt in the Boston Harbor.
Pick: New England

Arizona at San Francisco
Initially the NFL wanted to play both Cardinals/49ers games in Mexico City this season, but that plan was nixed when it was discovered a second international contest between these two miserable teams would somehow violate 18 provisions of the NAFTA agreement.
Pick: Arizona

Washington at St. Louis
To prepare for playing against Washington cornerback Walt Harris, Rams rookie QB Ryan Fitzpatrick went back to Harvard and played a flag football game against the chess club.
(I'm finding it hard not to like Fitzpatrick, especially with quotes like this from today's Redskins Notebook in The Washington Post:

Teammates expect me to know every answer to every question. During training camp, some guys were in a big, heated discussion, so I walked over to see what they were talking about. They said, 'Fitz, you can answer this question, you're from Harvard.' I said, 'Okay, maybe it's some trivial question, some history, something.' They said, 'What do you think would hurt more, getting hit in the face by the trunk of an elephant or being kicked in the face by a donkey?'

I don't know what's funnier. The fact that NFL players were discussing what sort of animal contact would be more painful or that they thought those were the sort of questions being discussed within the hallowed ivy-covered walls of Harvard. And, clearly, getting kicked by a donkey would hurt a lot more.)
Pick: Washington

Oakland at San Diego
Glitter, glisten, gloss, floss;
Todd Heap has more catches than Randy Moss.
Pick: San Diego

Last Week: 13-3
Season: 124-52