Baseball's Ten Most Sacred Numbers

ESPN.com is asking readers to rank baseball's ten most sacred numbers. Assuming ESPN's nominees are indeed the ten most sacred numbers (a big assumption, considering the website's poor track record in list-making), here's my list with a brief explanation for each number. (I think Jayson Stark might have compiled this list, which gives it a little more credibility, but I haven't read his article yet, because I didn't want his list to influence mine.)

#10) 1.12 - Bob Gibson - Lowest ERA in a season
Even die-hard baseball fans would have a hard time coming up with Gibson's remarkably low ERA from the pitcher-friendly 1968 season. And because ERA is the least tangible of all the numbers on this list, it doesn't lend itself to the high drama of a chase.

#9) 191 - Hack Wilson - RBIs in a season
Hack's record is one of the all-time best, to be sure. But because he set the mark so long ago (1930) and because nobody has come close to breaking it (Manny Ramirez's 165 RBIs in 1999 were the most in 62 years), the number doesn't resonate with casual baseball fans.

#8) 130 - Ricky Henderson - Stolen bases in a season
Ricky Henderson is mad his 130 steals are so low on this list, but what Ricky Henderson doesn't realize is that Ricky Henderson's steal totals seem archaic in today's "play the percentages" atmosphere.

#7) 383 - Nolan Ryan - Strikeouts in a season
While the strikeout record is a biggie, 383 still isn't a stand-alone number. It doesn't hold the magic of a .400, 56 or a replay of A.J. Pierzynski getting punched in the face.

#6) 30 - Denny McLain - Wins in a season (modern)
If any pitcher ever gets close to 30, it'd be a huge deal. However, the closest any pitcher has come to getting 30 since McLain was Bob Welch in 1990 and he only had 27. Since then, the most wins by a pitcher in a single season has been 24 (achieved by John Smoltz and Randy Johnson). 30 would be magical, but it's lost some of its power because it is so unreachable in today's game of specialty relievers and potent offense.

#5) 59 - Orel Hershiser - Consecutive scoreless innings
Now we're into the heavy-hitters; the sorts of records that command the attention of the national news desk, not just the sports one. Hershiser's record hasn't been approached by any pitcher since the early '90s, but like all records that are broken over days and weeks isntead of seasons and careers, it could fall at any time without notice. Unlike 383 though, 59 needs no further explanation.

#4) 4,256 - Pete Rose - Hits in a career
Somewhat tainted by his off-the-field troubles, Rose's hit mark is one of baseball's hallowed marks.

#3) 2,632 - Cal Ripken, Jr. - Consecutive games played
It says alot about the top two "sacred numbers" that Cal's sport-saving streak ranks #3.

#2) .400 - Ted Williams - Batting average for a season
One day, somebody is going to hit .400. And his name is Wily Mo Pena.

#1) 56 - Joe DiMaggio - Consecutive games with a hit
While it kills me to put the Yankee Clipper over the Splendid Splinter, Joe D's mark is the single-most identifiable baseball number (even more than 61 and 755). Whenever somebody gets to 30 consecutive games with a hit, the national media starts to pay attention. If a player were to ever get to 40 the media crush would be unprecedented. And if a man should ever hit in 50 straight, the pressure would be unimaginable; which is why nobody will ever break DiMaggio's record and why it will remain the most sacred of all baseball numbers.

And That Was Just On A Three-Day Weekend!

From FOX's pre-game show for the network's MLB Game of the Week:

If It Ain't Broke...

(Note: This was supposed to be posted yesterday, but despite the best laid plans of mice and me, it did not.)

Last night's Nationals game at RFK was easily the most entertaining and dramatic of the home season (which isn't saying much with the team sporting a 6 -16 mark in the District.) Fans in attendance saw a tense pitching duel, a bizarre delayed-call run-scoring balk, a late-inning Nationals rally and, perhaps, the final nail in the coffin of Brad Lidge's once-proud career. For a team 11 games below .500, Wednesday's contest was a memorable one. And for a newspaper beat reporter used to writing about errors, injuries and disgruntled veterans, last night should have been a delightful treat with a game-story that practically writes itself.
But, as has been the case this year, Washington Post Nats beat writer Barry Svrluga ignored the most basic rules of journalism in his above-the-fold game story, opting for a wordy, uninteresting featury lede instead of the usual opening taught to all Intro to Journalism students nationwide.
First off, let me say that I've always liked (and continue to like) Svlurga. Back when I was at Wake Forest he covered college sports for The Raleigh News and Observer and I had his archive bookmarked so I could keep up on the goings-on of the ACC. I also sped through his book National Pastime about the Nats inaugral season in D.C. He was also a great guest on Tony Kornheiser's now-defunct radio show. But I have major gripes with the direction Svlurga's coverage of the Nats has gone. Each morning's lede is an exercise in frivolty and, without the ability to watch most of the team's games on TV, I don't feel like I get a full understanding of what went on in the game.
Most people in the area didn't see last night's game because of the ongoing Comcast/MASN dispute and if all they did was read the sports front, they'd have no clue that the Nats tied the game in the 6th thanks to a balk by Roy Oswalt that wasn't called until Frank Robinson ran out of the dugout to argue. (That important piece of information didn't appear in Svlurga's story until the 13th graf.)
Instead, Svlurga opted for this wordy, uninformative lede:

That the Washington Nationals are different than any other team in baseball has been apparent ever since they moved to town, what with players wondering when and if they would meet the men who would run their team well into the future. So yesterday afternoon, when the Nationals arrived at RFK Stadium and saw the words "Meeting with new ownership: 3:50" scrawled on the grease-board outside the home clubhouse, change finally felt imminent.
So let the auditions begin. Mike O'Connor might be a keeper, because he matched Houston's Roy Oswalt nearly pitch for pitch last night. Keep Ryan Zimmerman around, because the rookie began a winning rally with a leadoff triple in the eighth. And heck, on one feel-good night, a jubilant band of Nationals played one of their best games, a 5-1 victory over the Astros that had an announced crowd of 24,194 -- including those new owners -- hopping at RFK.

First off, the Nats might be different than all other teams, but not because they are meeting new owners. Any team that gets sold has to deal with meeting new owners. This is not exclusive to Washington. Secondly, this isn't a story about the meeting with the owners (that appeared on D7). This is the game story, yet readers had to wade through 114 words just to get to the game's result! If I had handed that crap in to any of my journalism professors at Wake, they'd have given me an F.
Compare Svlurga's "lede" to that which appeared in the AP's account of the game:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Roy Oswalt was cruising through the Washington Nationals lineup with incredible efficiency, seemingly on pace for the shutout.
Then came a moment of indiscretion so stunning it froze the umpires. With two outs in the sixth inning and an 0-2 count on Alfonso Soriano, the Houston Astros ace interrupted his windup and started walking toward baserunner Damian Jackson on third.
That's a balk. Jackson was awarded home to tie the game, Oswalt was lifted for a pinch hitter in the eighth, and the Nationals exploited the Astros' bullpen with a four-run eighth to take a 5-1 victory Wednesday night.

Crazy balk? Check. Bullpen collapse? Check. Final score after building suspense? Check. That's a game story. Svlurga's reads like a study in why new journalism failed miserably in the '70s.
My buddy Jaffe and I have discussed Svlurga's stories at length since the baseball season opened and we've realized it's only getting worse. Jaffe wrote Post sports editor Emilio Ruiz-Garcia an e-mail about it, and Ruiz-Garcia promptly wrote back describing that the section was attempting to inject life into traditional game accounts with these storybook ledes.
I respect his answer but, even more respectfully, disagree. A newspaper account of a baseball game is not the place to take risks. Get the pertinent info out of the way at the top and then fill in the blanks after, just as always has been done.
There's a reason New Coke failed 20 years ago: Because there was nothing wrong with regular Coke. Svlurga and Ruiz-Garcia need to see the parallels. That, or take a journalism class.

Chris Answers PTI's Questions

*** Happy 65th birthday to Bob Dylan ***

Are you surprised the Mavs won?
I predicted the Spurs would win this series before it started and while they were down 3-1. I’m also pretty sure I picked them to win the whole thing back in October. But that doesn’t mean I, or anybody without a superfluous double-consonant at the end of their first name, should be surprised they lost to a good team like Dallas.

Can Phoenix win without defense?
Um, isn’t that what they’ve been doing for the past two years? And while Phoenix's opponent, Dallas, has certainly improved their D over the years, it’s not like they’re the ’85 Bears. I don’t claim to know NBA Xs-and-Os though, so I’ll move on to this: Is it just me, or is the fact that the Mavericks let Steve Nash walk two years ago not getting nearly enough attention?
I assume this will be a topic of discussion during the upcoming series, but I've heard nothing about this at all this season. If somebody just started watching basketball during these playoffs, I think they wouldn’t know that Nash used to run the Mavs and then was allowed to walk when Mark Cuban, of all people, balked at the massive deal he received in the desert. Two MVPs later, that move is looking disastrous for Dallas. (Some might say the Mavs didn’t start playing defense until Nash left, but none of those people can argue that if they needed a point guard for this series, Devin Harris wouldn’t be their choice.)
Perhaps a more important Phoenix-related query is this: Can they win with the lamest radio guy in the league calling their games? SportsCenter counted down the Top 10 plays of the NBA playoffs yesterday and apparently their radio play-by-play guy says “shazaam!” whenever the Suns make a big play. That’s right, “shazaam.” Now, my hometown team, the Bullets, employ a radio guy who makes Harry Caray seem impartial and have a TV man fond of using the phrase “dagger!” on shots made with four minutes left in the game. So I know a thing or two about terrible pro basketball commentators.
Anyway, now I’m totally rooting for Dallas. (Somebody recently asked me if I root against the Mavs because I hate the Cowboys so much. I thought about it for a second and said, “as long as Darrell Armstrong is on the bench, my conscience is clear.”)

Should A-Rod be ripped for his late-inning homerun on Monday night?
Of course he should. This is what A-Rod does; he pads his stats with meaningless homeruns and RBIs and, more often than not, fails to come through in the clutch. He's the highest-paid player in the game and ranks 52nd in the majors in OPS. And he's never been to the World Series. And he has purple lips.
I did a quick perusal of Webster’s stats over the past three years and discovered that, in every single “run producing” situation, he has a lower AB/HR ratio than his overall 13.84 AB/HR mark. Translation: He hits fewer homeruns than expected with runners on. One day I'll do some more research to see how many "meaningless" homeruns (like last night's) he hits. But that day is not today.
I subscribe to the Moneyball theory and place a high value on sabermetrics, except in one area: clutch hitting. Statheads say clutch hitters don't exist. But they also say Santa Claus doesn't exist, and I say he does, mainly because if I say he doesn't, my mom won't get me anything for Christmas.
I’ve seen the stats. I know most of the “clutch hitter” labels can’t be proven statistically. However, no statistic can tell me that I’d much rather have David Ortiz or Derek Jeter at the plate in Game 7 of the World Series rather than Alex Rodriguez. Anybody who says otherwise is either lying, A-Rod's mom or Santa.
Many players are great athletes. But legends are the ones who are tremendous mental beings as well. Webster is not.
(Who’s Webster, you’re asking? Well, after getting ripped by my cousin Peter at a Nats game for calling Damien Jackson “D-Jack” in light of my recent protestations towards abbreviated-monikers, I’m trying my hand at some new stuff. While looking at A-Rod’s stats today, I discovered his middle name is Emmanuel, which also happens to be the first name of the diminutive actor who played Webster. Ergo, since Alex Rodriguez often is a small man playing on a grand stage, he shall henceforth be known as “Webster”.)

Was there incentive to win the NBA Draft lottery this year?
No. In fact, once it was known that Toronto, Chicago and Charlotte had received the top-three picks, their GMs should have have been praying to pick second or third, not first. One of those top three picks figures to be an all-out bust in the style of Kwame Brown. Another one figures to be a solid player for the next decade. And another will likely become a potential All-Star. Figuring out which one will do which, however, is like playing three-card monte in a back alley in Southeast D.C. with Marion Barry. It’s impossible and the cards are always full of cocaine residue. I'd much rather have the choice made for me in this situation. The bad #2 pick isn't nearly as memorable as the botched #1 pick.
Having a successful draft is three parts luck, two parts skill and one part triple sec. You can study tape, talk to scouts and give potential draftees as many standardized tests as The College Board can churn out, but in the end, if you’re picking at the top of a bum draft, there’s nothing you can do about it.
Just ask the San Francisco 49ers. Last year they picked a quarterback from a gimmicky college offense with small hands at #1. If the fates had been kind enough to give them the first pick this year instead, they would have had a choice between Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart and Vince Young. Oh. And Mario Williams. Because he’s really awesome.
The Washington Bullets know all about this too. In 2001 they selected Kwame Brown as the #1 pick in a draft where the best overall player went early in the second round (current Bullet Gilbert Arenas). The next three years saw Yao Ming, LeBron James and Dwight Howard taken first. Don’t get me wrong, picking Kwame was an imbecilic move, but it’s not like taking Yao, LeBron and Dwight Howard was rocket science.
One year Tim Duncan goes #1 and can change the fortunes of an entire franchise. The next year, Michael Olowokandi can do the same, albeit in a vastly different way.
This year figures to be a bit of the same. The top prospects this year are some Italian dude Chad Ford is salivating over, a crazed diabetic with a reputed attitude problem, somebody with a name that sounds an awful lot like LaRue and a project with as much upside as Stromile Swift had when he was taken #2 in 2000. (Remember, Tyrus Thomas looked awesome in the Tournament, but wasn’t on many radar screens before it. The last player to shoot up a draft board so much because of a Tournament breakout was Chris Wilcox in 2002. I think Thomas is going to be great. But I thought the same thing about Wilcox.)
Last thing about this: While I’ve given David Stern some crap in the past, the rookie salary structure is one way he’s clearly outclassed Paul Tagliabue. It sucks that the Raptors will have to take a project like Tyrus Thomas or Darko’s cousin when next year’s lottery winner will get an NBA-ready stud like Greg Oden, but it sucks a whole lot more when the 49ers have to take Alex Smith a year before this recent class and are forced to pay a $24 million bonus for the privilege.

Would you be bold enough to try to catch a squirrel in a baseball glove?
Hell no. There were two dead birds stuck in my window pane last weekend and I had my roommate get them out for me. Back when I used to work as a lifeguard, I’d find mice and birds in the skimmers sometimes. Whenever I did, I’d gently put the lid back on and act as if I had never seen it. I’m a big wuss when it comes to dead and live animals. That's also why I'm a PETA activist.
One more thing about squirrels: When my sister was here last month with her newborn daughter and dog in tow, she mentioned that Maggie, her English Bulldog, was impossible to walk here in suburban Maryland because she’d always try to chase squirrels. When I asked why it was only a problem here, she said they didn’t have squirrels in Washington state. To which I responded, “wait – there are no squirrels in Washington state?”
My question to all: Am I the only one who assumed that squirrels were everywhere in the U.S., excepting mountainous, desert or plains regions? Please leave a comment to let me know if I'm an idiot. (About this topic only, I don't need any more reminders of my overall idiocy.)

Toss Up
Who’s more valuable: Nowitzki or Nash?
This is a really good question, but I’ll agree with Wilbon and say Nash because he makes everybody on the floor so much better. Not that Dirk doesn’t, but Nash has led his team to the Western Conference Finals without Amare Stoudamire. If Amare was healthy, is there any doubt the Suns would be the run-away favorites to win it all?

Who’s the favorite in the A.L. Central: Detroit or Chicago?
It’s still Chicago, but the interesting thing about the Tigers: they have a +69 run differential, which is tops in the Majors by a large margin. This suggetsts that Detroit is, in fact, for real.
Most early-season shockers (think Cincinnati in 2004 and Washington in 2005) have had run differentials that indicate the team’s success has been a bit of a mirage. For instance, on July 8th of last season, the Nats had the third-best record in baseball, yet had a negative run differential. They were winning with smoke and mirrors.
Detroit is different though. Plus 69 isn’t a fluke. And neither are the Tigers.

Who’s winning American Idol: Taylor or Katharine?
Much like The Lord of the Rings movies, I just don’t get Taylor Hicks. What’s his appeal, exactly? The hair? The spastic, involuntary gyrations? The fact that he looks like he goes shopping in Craig Sager’s closet? I’ll admit, his voice is alright, but this isn’t 1930 and Idol isn’t the Texaco All-Stars Radio Talent Hour. Looks and movement are a big part of being a success and Taylor just doesn’t have either.
Katharine, on the other hand, has two. I’m going against all popular sentiment and am predicting a Katharine win, on the theory that Simon’s declaration that Taylor was the next American Idol tonight was actually a ruse to get his supporters to feel comfortable and rally those with the McPheever to vote in droves. Since Simon is the one with a pressing interest in tonight’s outcome, I’d imagine he wants Katharine to win since marketing Taylor Hicks as a pop star would be akin to promoting Derek Jeter as a heterosexual. (Yes, I realize the irony of me throwing stones at Jeter after just writing a dissertation on the American Idol finale.)

Which is more likely: Madeline Albright leg pressing 400 pounds or Pat Robertson leg pressing 2000 pounds?
Neither claim is as ridiculous as the one The Wolfman’s freshman roommate at Wake Forest made. That chucklehead claimed he squatted 710 pounds while attending The Hackley School, the high school of Chris “Leather” Berman. Of course, that same tool also used to put plastic covering up over his desk when he knew people would be drinking in his room, thus ensuring that beer and liquor was purposefully spilled over everything he owned by each and every person in our dorm. He also once fractured something while doing something with someone. Use your imagination.

What is harder: Swimming from Alcatraz to shore or eating 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes?
Ahh, two of my passions: Swimming and eating hot dogs. But rarely at the same time. Because I was in the cub scouts. I know the statistics.
To answer the questions as asked, eating the hot dogs is much harder. But if asked which feat is more impressive, a seven-year old swimming from Alcatraz to shore or an obese man downing 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes, the seven-year old wins in a landslide.
Swimming 1.4 miles in a pool isn’t easy (about 94 lengths). Swimming 1.4 miles in open water is downright exhausting, even for somebody in great swimming shape. For somebody born in 1999, it’s amazing.

The Big Finish
Thoughts on Barbaro’s improvement?
Well, I sold my Elmer’s stock if that’s any indication.

Jake Peavy had 16 K’s and lost?
I’m playing Peavy in my fantasy league, but since I have John Smoltz on my roster, the Ks and WHIP were negated by Smoltz’s win and ERA. That wasn't the question you say?

Eddie Jordan fined $25,000 by the NBA for complaining about LeBron traveling?
Mike Holmgren is still bitching about calls that looked pretty solid to me (except for the clip on Hasselbeck) and hasn’t received a fine, while Eddie Jordan gets a big fine for rightly calling out LeBron looking like Barry Sanders at the end of a crucial playoff game? Twenty-five thousand is a lot of dough. I guess David Stern figured $1,000 for each step LeBron took on that game-winner.

Royals lost 10 straight for second time this season?
Like Crispin Glover, they’ll always have 1985.

Northwestern’s women’s soccer team apologizes?
For what? Doing the same sort of stuff that has been going on at every college in America since 1950? Or for getting our hopes up that soccer players at a prestigious university would be really hot and that pictures of them getting hazed and making out would be awesome, only to be disappointed when they ended up looking like chicks from Duke?

Willie Nelson got a black belt in Tae Kwan Do?
I wonder how pissed he was when he found out Tae Kwan Do was a martial art and not a new strain of potent weed.

Ducks or Oilers tonight?
Ducks. Oil. (Sob!) I’m sorry. Those two words just make me think of my late best friend, Becky, who was tragically lost after a heartless oil company put a derrick on my high school’s property and had an accident that spilled tons of oil into our favorite pond. I miss you Becky. Slater sends his love too.

"Chris Answers PTI's Questions" is an occasional feature on this site.

The Tuesday Two

1) Even if I'm sitting in front of the TV at 5:30 with nothing to do, I don't watch PTI during its original air-time. Instead, I choose to wait until I can fast-forward through commercials, the first 15 minutes of Sportscenter and, if necessary, "Five Good Minutes," thus consolidating a 45-minute program into a 20-minute breeze. Yesterday, my plan worked even better, when I got a call at around 5:43 from my buddy Horo, who was asking if I had just seen A.J. Pierzynski's appearance on the show.
I had not, and probably wouldn't have watched during my viewing because the only thing I hate more than athlete interviews is athlete interviews involving one A.J. Pierzynski. But Horo had used the word "hilarious" to describe the last 30 seconds of said interview, so watching was a must.
For those who didn't witness Pierzynski's ode to himself, let me sum up: I'm not that bad a guy. People like me. I get a bad rap. I didn't deserve to be punched. The media blows everything I do out of proportion. I'm held to a different standard than everybody. Please love me. (It was disgusting. Besides Barry Bonds, if Michael Barrett had cold-cocked anybody else other than Pierzynski on Saturday, he'd be public enemy #1 this week. Shoot, Kermit Washington still can't live down a punch that he threw nearly 30 years ago. But because Barrett decked Pierzynski, people were coming up with reasons to blame the deckee, not the decker. Somehow, getting punched became Pierzynski's fault and I, for one, am totally OK with that.)
So, after all Pierzynski's whining about how he's not as bad as people think, Tony cuts him off and asks about a recent column by Jay Mariotti that blames the whole incident on him. Without pausing to think about the question, Pierzynski, who had just spent over four minutes saying he's always gotten a bum deal and isn't the jerk he's made out to be, essentially threatens to kick Mariotti's ass if he ever sets foot in the White Sox locker room.
Yup, sounds like a pretty misunderstood cat to me!

2) Yesterday's Bill Simmons rip inspired the first pro-Bill comment since I played Barrett to the ESPN.com columnist's Pierzynski a few weeks ago. The anonymous (and therefore cowardly) poster writes:

If you hate Simmons so much why do you read his stuff every week? Who is the tool now?

I hope that's a rhetorical question because I thought I made it quite clear yesterday who the tool is, and it's name is Bill Simmons. Wait, here's the excerpt:

When I found out that Simmons himself had actually done the writing, it sort confirmed my theory about him. Namely, that he is a huge tool.

Did I stutter? Listen, I understand that being a Simmons fan and discovering that there are people out there who actually think he's an idiot (although an entertaining one at times) is sort of like being a North Korean and seeing Team America: World Police. When you live in an insular world where your hero (or leader) refuses to print or even acknowledge any critical word written about himself, it must be jarring to discover that some people actually don't like him.
For example, if I were like Simmons, I would have deleted your comment yesterday (or, better yet, would not have comments enabled on this site). And I'd sound like Minnie Mouse, but that's neither here nor there.
But I see your point, anonymous. Why would I read Simmons if I hate him so much? (And let's be clear about something. I don't actually hate Bill Simmons. That word is reserved for Mike Wise.)
For starters, I don't read Bill Simmons every week. Often I'm alerted to some excerpts via e-mail or told about a ridiculous point or idea he had or how he has clearly ripped-off another theory from somebody else.
Other times, I'll be on my computer late at night and, having hit all my favorite stops (The New York Times, Drudge, Slate, Andrew Sullivan, Kaus Files, Deadspin, Television Without Pity, Expecting Rain), will make my way over to Simmons page. It's not appointment reading for me, but I don't exactly avoid it either. But what's the difference if it was the former instead of the latter? Just because I hate Eli Manning, I can't watch his games? On the contrary, I make it a point to watch his games because doing so gives me all the ammunition I need to slaughter him on this site. I know Republicans with The Daily Kos bookmarked and Democrats with Powerline on their list. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, somebody (or many-bodies) once said.
And if that's the case, expect me and Bill Simmons to be going out for Johnny Cakes real soon.

Bill Simmons Is A Loser. Just Like LeBron.
Yesterday's Pistons-Cavs Game 7 was so exciting it could have put a crackhead to sleep. If this is the NBA being back (as Bill Simmons claimed last week), it justifies my long-ago decision to be apathetic towards all things Association-associated. The pathetic contest also proved the NBA correct in their decision to showcase that stinker instead of either of tonight's games. I seriously don't understand why everybody sweats David Stern so much.
One more thing quickly: Since my Bill Simmons-bashing a few weeks back seemed to bring some Simmons-haters out of the woodwork (which is interesting, because reading his mailbag, one gets the impression that everybody loves Bill), here's some more:
When Simmons wrote that the NBA was "back," he backed up his point by saying, essentially, rule changes have allowed the offense to dominate the game. Offense is in, defense is out, was the gist. Yet, a few weeks ago, Simmons ripped Steve Nash's selection as NBA MVP because he doesn't play defense.
So, on one hand, the NBA is amazing because teams run up and down the floor and nobody can stop anybody (especially Devin Harris, who subsequently lost Game 6 for his team, by the way.) But, on the flip side, Steve Nash shouldn't win the MVP because he doesn't play defense. He brings Nash to task for playing no D, yet praises the league that does the same. It's Simmpocracy at its finest.
Two more things:
1) In the same column, Simmons (insightfully) points out how refs not calling moving screens has had a positive effect on offensive output. In doing so, he accurately describes what a moving screen is, but ends his description with: "I know this all sounds mildly confusing, but the high screen has become the single most important play in basketball."
Dude, income tax forms are confusing. Anybody who has ever played, watched or heard of basketball knows what a high moving screen is. I mean, I know Simmons is one of the only true NBA fans out there, but maybe that's because all seven of them are pedantic schmucks like him.
2) The Wolfman sent me this excerpt from Simmons' recent mailbag:

I always thought my buddy Bish went to college with the ugliest girls -- let's just say it was a NESCAC school -- where the guys actually got drunk BEFORE they went out so they could have the beer goggles going before they even started talking to anyone

Senor Wolfman then wrote himself, "Wow, they got drunk before they went out. That's a new one for college. what a loser. he capitalized before. is he kidding?"
First of all, I hope you appreciate the irony of criticizing Simmons' capitalization. Secondly, when I first read the e-mail I figured that line was written by somebody writing into the mailbag. That made it mildly amusing. When I found out that Simmons himself had actually done the writing, it sort confirmed my theory about him. Namely, that he is a huge tool.

Why LeBron Will Lose

As I wrote last month, David Stern is routinely called the best commissioner in sports despite bizarre quirks in scheduling and procedure that make the NBA appear as if it is run by Isiah Thomas. In April it was the "lose to win" game between the Clippers and Grizzles, tomorrow it's the "let's put a Game 7 on at a time when 70% of the country will be asleep."
Game 6 of the Suns/Clips was played on Thursday night. Game 7 is Monday. There were no NBA games yesterday and only one today, being played at 3:00 p.m. (more on that one in a minute). 96 hours in between games. Clearly Monday night was the only time to play it.
What would have been wrong with an afternoon tilt yesterday? Or a primetime match-up tonight? Was Stern, a man routinely compared to a mafia bosss, scared of going up against The Sopranos? Either way, it's absurd that after 68 weekend hours pass with only one game, the NBA has scheduled two back-to-back Game 7s to start in primetime on a Monday. I said it once, I'll say it again: This sort of crap would never happen in the NFL.
But the title of this rare Sunday post isn't "David Stern Would Have Probably Renewed Joey", so let's get to LeBron. There are two reasons why his Cavs have no shot today in Detroit. Neither of them have anything to do with actual basketball.
Reason #1 - Better teams always blow out inferior ones in Game 7s
The Pistons are probably going to win in a walkover, perhaps by as many as 25 points. Why? Because this is what always seems to happen in these types of Game 7s. A pesky underdog stretches the series to seven, loses a winnable game at home in Game 6 and then gets their tails handed to them by the superior team on their home floor.
It's too lazy a day to do any research on this, and maybe there isn't actual evidence to support my theory, but I'm going to stick with it anyway. Because it just feels like this is what's going to happen. Remember, not knowing anything about the NBA, I predicted the Spurs would extend their series with the Mavs to a Game 7 when they were down 3-1 simply because it felt like they would. Same thing with today. Pistons in a walkover.
Reason #2 - LeBron's press conference after Game 6
An excerpt:

"Nobody thought we would be here, nobody thought we would be in a Game 7 against the Pistons. We've proved doubters wrong. So it's time to prove some more wrong. I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be excellent."

Getting out my handy cliche-to-English dictionary I discover there is a name for what LeBron is saying. And it's called "Loser Talk".
"Nobody thought we'd be here?" "We've proved doubters wrong?" So that's what it's come down to Bron-Bron? You're playing against doubters? Well, I'm one of them but I don't grab boards like Ben Wallace and run the point like Chauncey Billups. LeBron should be focused on beating the Pistons, not easing the minds of his team's critics.
The end of that little blurb there is also telling. "I'm looking forward to it. It's going to be excellent." That's what people getting prostate exams tell themselves as they're driving to the doctors office. Somebody who is really excited and really thinks something is going to be excellent doesn't need to say it.
Go watch Michael Jordan To The Max to see MJ's press conference after a devastating Game 6 loss to Indiana, when he missed a game-winner at the buzzer. Looking despondant, MJ starts talking about how, no matter what happened tonight, the series still had to go through Chicago. "Indiana, Utah, doesn't matter. They still gotta come through Chicago," Jordan says as a sly smile creeps on his face. In that moment, Jordan forgot about Game 6 and started licking his chops in anticipation of Game 7. He knew the Bulls still had control of the series, even after a heartbreaking loss. Maybe LeBron will have a similar expierience one day too. But it won't be today.

To DH Or Not To DH?

With the 10th year of the interleague play set to kick-off tomorrow, I have been pondering one of baseball's great inequalities: Does the designated-hitter/pitcher-batting dichotomy favor the American or National League in interleague and World Series play?
On yesterday's Orioles' pre-game show The Professor Tom Trebelhorn argued that the hO's would be at a great disadvantage tomorrow in Washington when they'll have to send pitchers to the plate.
Clearly, Trebelhorn would think differently if he coached on a National League team, but his point was simple: Having to put pitchers who never take batting practice in the lineup is a lot more unfair than taking a guy off the bench and sticking him in at designated hitter, as N.L. teams have to do when they visit A.L. parks. The point is simple and also totally erroneous. When it comes to interleague inequity, the A.L. can have no beef. It's the National League that suffers.
An American League team specifically seeks a player to serve as a designated hitter. It is a position, offensively, no different than first base or left field. A quick look at some A.L. DHs reads like a who's-who of power hitters: David Ortiz, Jim Thome, Travis Hafner, Frank Thomas and Jason Giambi are just a few. The A.L. teams certainly will miss their DH when they visit N.L. parks, but oftentimes the Ortiz, Thome and Giambi's of the world will play at 1st base so their bat isn't lost. N.L. teams, on the other hand, don't keep a roster spot open for a designated hitter. Whereas the Red Sox, Yankees and White Sox can pay $15 million for theirs, National League teams can't afford to give their first player off the bench such a large amount of money. It wouldn't make any prudent financial sense. They are, instead, stuck putting a bench player into the DH role.
Trebelhorn's argument was that the A.L. pitchers were hamstrung because they rarely hit in the cages; as if their N.L. counterparts were in the cages early every morning taking BP. It's no secret that pitchers are an easy out in both leagues; the small margin in which N.L. pitchers hit better is not enough to negate the DH difference though.
A quick look at the statistics tells you the difference between D.H./bench player and weak hitting pitcher/weaker hitting pitcher isn't even close. The following are cumulative statistics for every pitcher and DH in the respective leagues from 2005.

LEAGUE      p AVG   p OPS   dh AVG   dh OPS 
AMERICAN    .105    .210    .258     .772
NATIONAL    .150    .368    .241     .589

As expected, National League pitchers were very weak hitters, while their counterparts in the American League were even worse. However, the difference between a .368 OPS and .210 OPS is like the difference between a Yugo and an Edsel. Each league's pitchers were nearly automatic outs.
The real gap comes at DH, where everyday players in the A.L. posted huge OPS numbers. The slugging percentage of A.L. DHs was the third highest among all positions in the League. National League DHs, on the other hand, had the lowest OPS of any non-pitchers by a wide margin. (N.L. shortstops were the next lowest and their collective OPS was 100 points higher.)
This puts National League teams, with their designated-hitter-by-fire, at a tremendous disadvantage at the start of each interleague series and World Series match-up.
That baseball can have two leagues with such different rules and expect the playing field to be level is a credit to the bumbling ineptitude of Bud Selig and his merry band of "yes" men.

Chris Answers PTI's Questions

Should the Pistons be worried?
I understand that people have different tastes. I’m no fan of tuna fish, but I can see how people could like it. Grey’s Anatomy is not my particular bag, however, it’s popularity doesn’t baffle me. Same thing with those X-Men movies. That being said, I have no idea how anybody can consider themselves a fan of NBA basketball.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll watch parts of some Bullets games during the regular season, I often check to see how Wake alums are filling up the box scores and, during the playoffs, I’ll tune in with about 4:00 to go in the game and settle in for the next hour as those four minutes of game play are completed. But how anybody can sit through a game’s entire three hours, complete with lackadaisical play, poor defense, atrocious officiating and Bill Walton is beyond me.
Case in point: The Pistons clearly tanked the last two games of their series with the Cavs. Oh, they didn’t intentionally lose, but they certainly weren’t trying that hard either. Because they know in the back of their minds that there’s no doubt they’ll be able to win a potential Game 7 at home in Detroit.
Most teams would be scared if their opponent stole two games to even a hard-fought series. The Pistons seemed not to care in the least bit about losing two nights ago. It didn’t matter to them; it just means they have to play one more game. They know they’re going to win, it’s just a matter of when. And, that right there, is one of the dozens of reasons I can’t stand the NBA. It’s May. It’s the playoffs. And Monday's game didn’t mean a damn thing.

Are the Spurs done?
I don’t think the defending champs will be “done” until they are actually eliminated, but they certainly can’t be feeling too good right now. My prediction: If Dallas is going to win this series, they better do it tonight. If the Spurs go to Dallas for Game 6 with the thought of a Game 7 at home in their head, I think they’ll win.
Please keep in mind, I purport not to know anything about this series, but I often have predicting success by looking at the “feel” of a series. And this one feels like all the Spurs need is a glimmer.
Last thing: I didn’t watch the game on Monday night, but I heard the officiating at the end of the game was particularly ridiculous (mainly on an absurd foul on Bruce Bowen 17 feet away from the basket.) Just another reason to hate the NBA: Officials control playoff games. Anybody that says otherwise is blinded by their love of the NBA.

Will Larry Brown take a $25 million buyout from the Knicks?
He’d be a idiot and hypocrite not to. Larry Brown possesses many traits, but integrity and loyalty are not among them. Why would Brown all of a sudden act like he’s a man of honor now? Are we really supposed to buy the fact that he wants to right the ship and how it would be disrespectful to can him after just one year. Keep in mind, one year ago Brown was busy orchestrating his exit from Detroit while the playoffs were still going on. Now is an awfully convenient time to develop a sense of morality.

Is Barry Bonds feeling the pressure?
Unless pressure is BALCO’s new follow-up to “the clear,” Barry Bonds isn’t feeling any pressure. He’s feeling the effects of no steroids. He’s feeling the effects of age. He’s feeling bone-on-bone pain in his knee. He’s feeling hatred in every stadium outside of the Bay area.
I can’t believe Tony & Michael actually fell for him saying he is essentially cowering in the greatness of Ruth’s record. What a bunch of crap. There’s no drama involved in this record. There is a small bit of pressure on him, but it’s nothing like he went through in 2001 when he was hitting 73 homeruns. Or when, in 2002, he made his first trip to the World Series. Career records are never nail-biting affairs because of the inevitability that surrounds their approach. Bonds will pass Ruth at some point in the near future and while ESPN will make a big deal about it (almost as if they have a financial interest in promoting Barry Bonds), it certainly won’t be exciting or surprising.

Northwestern soccer team suspended for hazing?
The only difference between this incident and hundreds of other hazing rituals throughout college campuses nationwide are that these girls were stupid enough to let their pictures surface on the internet. I’d bet good money the girl who let the pictures leak is Norweigan. It’s always those damn Norwegians.

Is the Federer/Nadal rivalry turning into Ali/Frazier?
This question was asked because Harvey Araton of The New York Times wrote a recent column proclaiming just that. (Frankly, I was surprised the piece wasn’t authored by Mr. Instant History, Dan Shanoff, of ESPN.com’s unreadable Daily Quickie.)
You see, this is why the Times sports page is unreadable (except for Alan Schwartz’s baseball stat columns, Murray Chass and their Sunday features). It’s one thing to say the Federer/Nadal rivalry is going to make for some great theater over the next few years. But to compare it to the greatest individual rivalry of all-time just because the guys played an, admittedly, awesome match over the weekend is criminal hyperbole.
Maybe, one day, Federer/Nadal will be allowed to be mentioned in the same breath as tennis’ best rivalries, like Evert/Navratilova and Borg/McEnroe, but that’s only if Nadal can improve his game off of clay. For the time being, we need to keep an eye on Federer/Nadal and hope they meet in the French Open final. Men’s tennis needs a shot of adrenaline, and a classic final on clay would be a good way to start.

Is Aaron Rowand a legend in Philly?
Sixteen months ago, Terrell Owens was a legend in Philly.

Is everyone afraid of Barbaro?
Yes, the horses are very afraid of the other horse that runs fast.

Toss-Up
More likely to make the NBA Finals: Miami or Detroit?
I suppose Detroit is more likely, but their presence is by no means a foregone conclusion. Whatever happened to that “greatest team ever” talk some idiots were babbling about back in November. Weren’t the Pistons supposed to get 70 wins? All that hype just shows there’s too much time to fill on the airwaves, so people make up ridiculous statements to pass the time. (Of course, then there’s Baseball Tonight, a show that spends more time talking about individual players, future games and pitching mechanics than they do recapping actual baseball games. It used to be my favorite show on television. Now it’s as unwatchable as the third quarter of a Heat/Nets playoff game.)

What is more likely: Michelle Wie wins the women’s U.S. Open or qualifies for the men’s U.S. Open?
For all the crap I deservingly throw Michelle Wie’s way, I’ve never said she isn’t capable of winning on the LPGA Tour. My main gripe is that she never has and, in trying (and failing) to play with the men, she is not getting the closing experience she needs in order to become a dominant golfer. Look how long it took Phil Mickelson to get mentally sound enough to win big Tournaments. And he dominated junior tours and in college. Wie doesn’t know how to win and, even though a win by her is inevitable, she could be looking at an all-hype, no substance career if this continues.
To answer the question, she’s probably more likely to win the women’s Open. She very well could qualify for the men’s, but those qualifiers are about as predicable as roulette. It’s mentally taxing and physically exhausting and she’ll have so much pressure on her should she get close, I’d be very surprised if she could bring it home on the back nine on the final day with Winged Foot in the forefront of her mind.

More likely: Bonds hits 756 or Pujols hits 74?
At this point, it seems unlikely that Bonds will pass Aaron with a 756th homerun. And, while “never say never” is sound advice, I just don’t see Pujols (or anybody in the near future) passing Bonds’ steroid-mark of 73 homers in a season. Remember, before steroids only two players in history had ever hit more than 60. And 74 is a long ways from there.

Who had a better career: Vinny Testaverde or Doug Flutie?
Rob Johnson.

Big Finish
Will Roger Clemens decide his future by June 15th?
How dumb do you think those fans in Miami who gave Clemens a standing ovation in the 2003 World Series feel? I personally wish I could pimp-slap each and every one of those suckers as they wait in line at the early-bird buffet.

David Stern will change the NBA playoff seeding format?
It's sort of like patching up that hole in the Hindenburg after it collapsed.

Eva Longoria is atop the Maxim Hot 100. Is she your #1?
There’s only one lady for me and her name is Suzy Kolber.

Is signing Marcus Vick worth the risk for the Dolphins?
As long as they lock up their valuables, de-spike his cleats, keep all underage girls away from training camp, set-up metal detectors in the cafeteria and have an ample supply of Valtrex, the risk will be minimal.

Bobby Bowden and JoePa going into the Hall?
How weren’t they in already? Freakin’ Jim Calhoun and Jim Boeheim are in the basketball hall and these two legends had to wait until their 80’s?

Champions League Final: Barcelona vs. Arsenal?
Arsenal is the coolest name for any sports team. I’ll be catching the end of this one this afternoon before making my way up to Baltimore see the Red Sox game. Tim Wakefield is pitching, thus extending my streak of six-straight Wakefield-pitched Sox games I've attended. I like to say, "at least it's not Lenny DiNardo," but it's actually not because I've never seen Lenny DiNardo.

Who ya got: Miami or New Jersey
I only had one thing on my mind last night… Katharine McPhee. Well, make that two.

Chris Answers PTI's Questions is an occasional feature on this site.

The Tuesday Ten

1) Some pretty good comments were left yesterday about the Greatest Nicknames post. O.J. Simpson's "Juice" has gotten some love, but I prefer to call the man "Nordberg". AK likes "The Iceman" for George Gervin and I do too - that one totally slipped my mind and would have certainly been included on the list had I remembered. My buddy B-Ho nominates "Big Papi", and I think, over time, that might be one of the better nicknames of recent years. When a guy has a nickname that he is totally synonymous with, as Ortiz is with "Big Papi", that's the ultimate sign of a good handle.
Coincidentally, it is that very B-Ho who inspires my wrath while shortening the names of our favorite athletes into two-syllable monstrosities. Some example of his "work" from the past few years:
"K-Mi" - Kevin Millar
"Co-Griff" - Cornelius Griffin
"SeanTay" - Sean Taylor
"Bill Mill" - Bill Mueller
"C.P." - Clinton Portis
"T-Walks" - Todd Walker
While I've hated each of these "nicknames" in the immediate aftermath of their creation, I'd be lying if I said I didn't use them. Maybe it's their ease of use, or maybe it's B-Ho repeating them incessantly, but if Cornelius Griffin stuffs a run up the middle, I'm yellin "COOOO-GRIFFFFFF!" without even thinking about it. Perhaps that's why these anti-nicknames have caught on; they're just easier to use. High-speed internet, motorcars, cell phones, blackberries; everyone is in such a damn hurry all the time. I feel like Brooks from Shawshank. Or as I like to call him: B-Hat.

2) Years ago, The Wolfman and I got into a tense debate about the Buffalo Bills quarterback situation, which was odd considering the closest I had ever come to Buffalo was when my dad gave me the wrong directions and I ended up going north on the New York Thruway for a few miles. Anyway, I thought the Bills needed to start Doug Flutie in their 2000 Wild Card Playoff game against the Titans. The Wolfman was taken with Rob Johnson's good looks and athletic physique. Apparently Bills coach Wade Phillips had homo-erotic tendencies as well, because he benched Flutie and watched Rob Johnson, predictably, lose.
I mention that only because I was right. Oh, and Doug Flutie retired yesterday.
I rarely watch athlete interviews on PTI because they're almost never interesting. (That ESPN forced Tony and Mike to ditch the reporter interviews for a switch to "Media Training 101" infuriates me. Kornheiser left his ESPN radio show for this very reason.) But I did watch Flutie yesterday and was left liking him even more than I had before. When they asked the QB about his memories of The Hail Mary, unlike many athletes, Flutie talked about how much he loved reliving the moment and how it makes him smile every time he sees it. Cynics out there would say this is probably because it was the highlight of his career, but they're probably just bitter because they were wrong about Rob Johnson.
Flutie concluded the interview by saying he's still just a kid at heart. His fond memories of The Hail Mary, and his refusal to insincerely act as if it wasn't that big a deal, prove it.

3) Why Michelle Wie was given an exemption into the U.S. Women's Open is beyond me. The Open is the greatest event in golf because "everybody" has a chance to qualify for it. Next month, male pros and amateurs alike will tee it up around the world in an attempt to go from out-of-the-tournament to hoisting-the-trophy in one short week as Michael Campbell did last year. Unless a professional golfer has been injured or was previously a dominant player, they have no business getting a free pass into a Tournament that everybody else has to qualify for.
The USGA is doing Michelle Wie a disservice by letting her in without earning it. It sets a bad precedent for everybody else and marginalizes the entire concept of an "Open" tournament.

4) Sticking with Wie for a second: When I read the headline for this column, 'Miss Ridiculous Continues To Amaze," I figured it was a tongue-in-cheek look at Wie's completely empty golfing resume. Instead, I actually think Eric Adelson was serious, which makes me think the cabin on his flight to Korea wasn't pressurized correctly.
Some snippets from this completely ludicrous column:

5) There is another ridiculous possibility that suddenly seems a bit more likely, even after her final round 2-over at the SK Telecom that landed her in a tie for 35th, 12 shots back of 21-year-old winner Prom Meesawat.
Call it the Wie Slam.
She's made a cut on the Asian Tour. She's come within a hair of a cut on the PGA Tour at last year's John Deere Classic, and she's trying it again this summer. (She will also play at the 84 Lumber Classic later in the year.) And she went bogey-bogey to barely miss the cut on the Japan Tour. She will be back at Casio in the fall for another go at that. All she needs is an invite from the European Tour and she'll have a shot at making a cut on all four major tours in one calendar year.

6) But for now, perspective is needed. Wie made history in her parents' native country. And as stunning as it is to consider a woman competing so well against men, it might be more impressive to think of a 16-year-old in the same realm as professional adults.

7) The Sky 72 course sits right by a major international airport, and dozens of 747s took off and landed as Wie circled the course. Surely a handful of those planes had female pilots, but surely none had 16-year-olds at the controls.
Yes, there were other young girls on the course, but they were either caddies, fans or marshals. Even the three Korean receptionists in the clubhouse each had almost a decade on Wie.
Ridiculous.

8) Oh man, where do I begin. This is like shooting fish in a barrel, if by fish you mean "Marlon Brando circa 1996" and by barrel you mean "thimble."
The Wie Slam? Seriously? We're defining greatness by making a few cuts? Wow, and to think we've been ripping Peyton Manning for not being able to win the big one! Who knew all he needed to do was beat the Browns twice a year. And Charles Barkley, Karl Malone and John Stockton can rest easy. According to Eric Adelson, their inability to win a championship is not a black mark on their otherwise stellar respective careers. Simply making the playoffs as a #8 seed would have been all they needed to do to ensure their spot in the Hall of Fame. Shareef Abdur-Raheem has been in the league for nearly a decade and just made his first playoff appearance. He must be the next M.J!
What does it matter that Wie is both 16 and female? If she can't beat the women, why should I care that she beats less than half of the men? Especially on the Asian Tour when she finishes 12 shots back of a dude named Prom! This is supposed to impress me?
My favorite line of the column is Adelson's reminder to "keep things in perspective." Yes, in the same article where he quotes Wie's desire to win the Masters and be named PGA Player of the Year, I think Adelson is exactly the man I should listen to about perspective-keeping.
I won't even discuss the last three paragraphs, where Adelson makes a ridiculous comparison of Wie to female pilots and receptionists. It's almost as if Adelson has never heard of Jennifer Capriati, Mozart, Stevie Wonder, the kid on Leno who can name all the presidents in order or Jonathan Lipnicki (right). Young children do great things all the time. The only difference between them and Wie is, sometimes other prodigies actually win.

9) Peter King, in referring to Eagles coach Andy Reid's thoughts on Brian Westbrook, wrote yesterday, "I've always felt that Reid, if you gave him sodium pentothal, would pick [Tiki]Barber over [Brian] Westbrook in an open draft."
Um, you think Peter? I don't doubt that Reid loves Westbrook, but anybody outside the Houston Texans organization would clearly rather have Tiki over Westbrook. I mean, just because Joe Gibbs loves Clinton Portis, it doesn't mean he wouldn't want Jim Brown if he was available, you know?

10) Oh, and just because I love Doug Flutie, doesn't mean I think he should be in the Hall of Fame, as some certain mocha-drinking, bowel-movement-discussing columnists' readers believe. Why don't I let the Flutie-loathing Wolfman sum it up:

I have always hated doug flutie so maybe this just rubs me the wrong way. I think the 'it's called the PRO football hall of fame' is the dumbest argument on earth to let flutie into the hall of fame. it's f----- canadian football, it doesn't count for the hall of fame. it's so stupid. Are we supposed to think that argument is clever. Wow, I've never thought of that, it's not called the United States/NFL hall of fame, so this changes everything. It's the NFL hall of fame, not the Canadian, World League, USFL hall of fame. this isn't the negro league in baseball, it's the canadian football league, the field has a 55-yard line. Why didn't the Steelers play the Edmonton Eskimos, or whoever won the Grey Cup this year? We can't call them the "world champions" since they didn't play the canadian league champ. On another note, did you guys see Flutie on PTI yesterday, he looked like he walked straight out of 1987 with that hair.
It's like the phrase "it is what it is". Sometimes it makes sense to use, but now every athlete just uses it all the times. Everything simply isn't what it is, some things suck and you have to deal with them, that does not make them what they are. that makes them shitty.

Man, I'd hate to be at that guy's house when it's a full moon. (One note though; while I fully agree with the distinction about the Hall of Fame's breadth, the basketball Hall includes college coaches and worldwide contributors. I think this is partially why the only Hall of Fame that really matters is the baseball one, because they try to keep it pretty real, except when they elect a woman simply for the sake of electing a woman.)

Call Me C-Cha

Good nicknames are sort of like Marshmallow Alpha Bits: Delightful and nearly impossible to find. Ever since some hack dubbed Alex Rodriguez "A. Rod," nicknames have turned into an exercise in syllable-chopping.
A.I. T-Mac. D-Wade. It sounds like the VIP list at a Bell Biv DeVoe concert. These aren't nicknames people! The Iron Horse. The Great One. Those are evocative monikers. ARod sounds like something Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada use when they - well, never mind.
Anyway, ESPN is making a list of the greatest nicknames of all-time, hence me getting all worked up over here. Originally I was just going to cull my selections from ESPN's nominees, but upon seeing the egregious mistake they made by listing Joe DiMaggio as "The Splendid Splinter" I realzied their list, like men in masks, was not to be trusted. (At least they didn't identify "Broadway Joe" as Eli Manning. They also included the token NASCAR entry and forgot two of the names I instantly thought of when I clicked on the link. Frankly, I'm amazed ESPN.com didn't find a way to include Michelle Wie on this list, given their love affair with the no-time champion.)
Actually, the more I look at their list the more I realize it, for lack of a better word, sucks.
So instead of using that, I'm going to try and think of some ones they left off, but I'm sure I'll leave some out so please drop a comment with your suggestions. I'm only going to use nicknames of individuals, which eliminates "Phi Slamma Jamma" from the competition (for my money, the greatest nickname in any realm). Also, while I still pine for the days where it was acceptable to call a dude "Magic", any nickname that is substituted for a real name (eg, Magic, Tiger, Babe, Yogi) doesn't count. This rule eliminates Cool Papa Bell from the proceedings, but it doesn't make the nickname any less awesome. Can you imagine how unbelievably suave you have to be to pull off the nickname Cool Papa? Just see how long George Clooney would last if he tried to get away with that shit.

Honorable Mentions: Dr. J (Julius Erving), The Nigerian Nightmare (Christian Okoye), The Human Highlight Film (Dominique Wilkins), The Pearl (Earl Monroe)

#12) "Crazy Legs" - Elroy Hirsch
It was a tough choice between Crazy Legs Hirsch and Whizzer White, but since Whizzer went on to become a Supreme Court Justice, I figured he'd think this honor was beneath him.

#11) "Night Train" - Dick Lane
I once convinced some drunk dude at a bar that the Gladys Knight song "Midnight Train to Georgia" was really about a threesome Gladys had with Night Train Lane and one of the original Pips.

#10) "Charlie Hustle" - Pete Rose
The story is that Whitey Ford gave a young Rose this derisive nickname after watching him sprint to first base in an exhibition game. It's a good one, so I'm going to believe it. I'm also going to take Ford's method and apply it to random people throughout my day. Hence, the guy going 29 in a 35 zone becomes "Frank Get The Hell Out Of My Way."

#9) "Crime Dog" - Fred McGriff
One of Chris Berman's only actual nicknames, but it's a damn good one. I mean, it's no Albert "Winnie The" Pujols, but, really, what is?

#8) "The Galloping Ghost" - Red Grange
The legendary Grantland Rice came up with this one after watching Grange rush for 262 yards and four touchdowns in the first 12 minutes against a Michigan team on a 20-game winning streak. Much like the #2 entry on this list, the simple alliteration and evocative adjective make this nickname a true delight.

#7) "The Refrigerator" - William Perry
He may be large, but he's no dumb cookie.

#6) "The Count of Monte Fisto" - Apollo Creed
My favorite part of Rocky IV is when LeRoy Nieman is announcing all of Apollo's nicknames before the Drago fight and slips in this gem. It just dawned on me that Sly Stallone wrote Rocky IV so he might have actually come up with this. Or maybe he just heard it from Mr. T and Hulk Hogan during shooting breaks on Rocky III.
But since this one isn't really real...

#6) "White Shoes" - Billy Johnson
They say the shoes make the man... But Billy Johnson was black, so I don't think this cliche applies here.

#5) "Shoeless Joe" - Joe Jackson
If Joe Jackson were alive today, Nike CEO Phil Knight probably would have put a hit out on him by now.

#4) "Mr. October" - Reggie Jackson
The most copied nickname of all-time, lazy sportswriters are always coining the new "Mr. (fill in Gregorian month here)" instead of coming up with something new. Although, this isn't always bad, as it led to the inevitable "Mr. March" knocks on the non-nicknamed A. Rod during the World Baseball Classic.

#3) "The Hitman" - Thomas Hearns
Boxers have some of the best nicknames. Sugar Ray Robinson and Leonard. The Raging Bull, Jake LaMotta. Muhammad Ali had a bunch, the best of which was the alliterative Louisville Lip. But the best boxing nickname of all belongs to a brawler from Detroit. If I were a rapper, I'd drop a Hitman Hearns line on every album. And I'd also have a battle rap aimed at Kirk Cameron, but that's a topic for another day.

#2) "The Splendid Splinter" - Ted Williams
It was Williams, of course, who was known as The Splendid Splinter. (DiMaggio had a few good nicknames of his own; Joltin' Joe and The Yankee Clipper, but his wood was not nearly as splendiferous. How ESPN could make such a bold error is beyond me.) I love the unbridled whimsy of this nickname. Nobody uses the word 'splendid' outside a traveling production of My Fair Lady and 'splinter' is a word with a negative connotation, yet they work so well together.

#1) "Sweetness" - Walter Payton
It takes a great man to carry a great nickname. It takes a tremendous man to carry what sounds like a pimp's name and transform it into a one-word summation of his entire athletic being. Walter Payton's running style was sweetness, personified.

Any Excuse to Talk About Ben Johnson

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, or maybe I'm just a sucker for men in skintight lycra, but I really enjoy track & field. Furthermore, I think Justin Gatlin's new world record in the 100-meter dash is a much bigger deal than, say, Barry Bonds not hitting a homerun or two NBA playoffs games being not remotely exciting. Yet, Gatlin's World's Fastest Man coup was barely mentioned on Sportscenter and ignored most other places as well. (The Washington Post sports page did give Gatlin's record above-the-fold coverage but, then again, The Post has always been good about covering Olympic sports.) Twenty years ago this would have been national news. Today it's less important than a Japanese baseball player's wrist.
Just how fast is the new world mark, 9.76? Consider that Ben Johnson blazed to his steroid-aided 1988 Olympic win (right) in 9.79 and that should give you an idea.
The decline in popularity of track stars began with Johnson's dirty win and tumbled preciptously in the wake of revelations about Tim Montgomery and Marion Jones. It's difficult to imagine track ever capturing the American imagination except for over a fortnight every Olympic year, and it's a shame. If Gatlin and his rival, Asafa Powell, are clean, their budding rivalry could be the most exciting thing to happen to track since Michael Johnson was rockin' gold kicks.

Thursday Thoughts

* Reason #961 Why Alex Rodriguez Will Never Lead A Team To A Title: His throw to first last night when the Red Sox had the bases loaded.
One evening after booting two easy ground balls and getting eviscerated for it in the New York rags, A. Rod's head was clearly on screwy and every ball hit his way was an adventure in anxiety-control. When the Sox had the bases loaded early in the game, a sharp grounder was hit to A. Rod. After double-clutching and practically cradling the ball to make sure he had a grip on it, Rodriguez fired the ball down the first-base line, practically causing Jason Giambi to come off the bag at first.
He's a pretty-boy headcase infielder and that's all he'll ever be. Except when he's catching for Derek Jeter, of course.

* Underrated receiver Jimmy Smith retired this afternoon, closing a career that was highlighted by 862 receptions, over 10,000 receiving yards and a 2000 championship while on the roster of my fantasy team, "The Dudes." Smith retired due to past injuries and a desire to spend more time doing the things he enjoys. And in a prison cell somewhere, Pablo Escobar Jr. weeps.

* Sony's 60" Grand Wega SXRD TV offers many new innovations and features, but there's one that doesn't appear on Sony's spec-sheet that I discovered last night: In the stunning light of the new benchmark-setting television, the NBA Playoffs are a resounding 35% more mind-numbingly boring.

* Does anybody else find it amusing that Bill Simmons thinks Steve Nash shouldn't have won the NBA MVP award because he technically doesn't play defense, yet just six months ago he was advocating David Ortiz's candidacy for MLB's MVP award even though he literally doesn't play defense. Wait, did I say "amusing"? Because I totally meant "convieniently hypocritical."
Since Simmons' mailbags consist of little more than sycophantic ego-boosts from readers, I doubt this answer will ever be adequately answered. (Would a real man dodge critics like Simmons does? Granted, real men tend to have voices that don't sound like those of a five-year old girl, so I guess I should curb my criticism until "The Sports Guy" hits puberty.)

C-Pizzle-Trizzle

Between my new TV getting delivered, building the stand, dealing with Comcast, the internet being on the fritz and the rash which covers 35% of my body, I didn't have much time (or ability) to post anything yesterday. Today should be more of the same (in fact, expect a light-posting schedule for the remainder of the week), but I will get my panties in a twist about this:
Hornets' Paul near-unanimous Rookie of the Year choice
Chris Paul, as expected (and predicted here - since I can't access my blog from where I am right now, I'll include links later), was named Rookie of the Year today. But, in a mild surprise, he was not a unanimous selection as many had predicted. Paul was atop 124 of the 125 ballots cast. The lone anti-Paulian went, instead, with Utah guard Deron Williams. To which I say, "wheeei?"
Nothing against Deron Williams, who had a fine year for the Jazz and should be a solid player in the NBA for the next decade, but Chris Paul leaves him in his wake, assuming his wake extended for many millions of miles through a vast, hypothetical ocean.

Paul 16.1 ppg, 7.8 apg, 5.1 rpg, 2.2 spg, 43% FG, 85% FT, 3.34 assist/turnover ratio
Williams 10.8 ppg, 4.5 apg, 2.4 rpg, 0.75 spg, 42% FG, 70% FT, 2.5 assist/turnover ratio

Paul also led the Hornets, a team nearly everybody had pegged as the worst team in the NBA, to 38 wins. Williams helped the Jazz, a team many had pegged as a playoff team in the West, to 41.
My inference is that this as-of-yet unnamed voter didn't want Chris Paul (I refuse to call him CP, because that's Clinton Portis. And CP3 is for losers. So Chris Paul it is) to join the short list of players voted unanimous ROY. (If I had that list, I'd post it, but I'm in a rush. Check back later... I'm pretty sure only a few guys have ever received every vote, and I think David Robinson and Oscar Robertson are among them.)
Paul deserved to join those names. He was, far and away, the best rookie of this NBA season. That he wasn't a unanimous pick won't matter much in the long run, but it would have been nice. Of course, having a better rookie season than Magic is a nice consolation prize.

Santana Claus

I'm still sick, as evidenced by a rash on my face that makes me look like the Phantom of the Opera, a headache like Ricardo Mayorga's and a nose that's been running like a Kenyan. This morning I tried to psych myself into feeling better by listening to some Andrews Sisters, but the therapeutic effect that can come only from a singing group made up of daughters of a Greek immigrant lasts for only a few minutes, as evidenced by me almost passing out and swerving into oncoming traffic during my short morning commute. Euphoria lost, I suppose.

I'm off to bed now, hoping to recover in time for my TV delivery tomorrow and, not wanting to leave you without a worktime diversion, I searched YouTube for something that would entertain the masses and found, instead, something that will entertain me, Antzo, Klinny and Jaf. Enjoy!