Monday Afternoon Cornerback

The Washington Redskins’ dominant 52-17 win over San Francisco last week counted the same in the standings as their ugly 9-7 victory over Chicago. And, just like their last-second losses to Denver and Kansas City, the 36-0 drubbing the ‘Skins suffered yesterday at the hands of the New York Giants is just one tally in the loss column; the only silver lining for the team on an otherwise dreadful afternoon of football.
In their biggest game since 2000, Washington laid an egg at the Meadowlands. Missed tackles, dropped passes, turnovers, blown coverages, more missed tackles and a lack of any semblance of an offense doomed the Redskins and leaves the team reeling headed into their first NFC East home game of 2005.
Tiki Barber set the tone early yesterday, scampering 57 yards on the Giants first play from scrimmage thanks to one of Sean Taylor’s many missed tackles on the afternoon. The defense couldn’t stop Barber, who could have challenged the NFL single-game rushing record had he stayed in the game. His career-high 206 yards rushing came on just 24 carries, for a whopping 8.5 yards per carry. With those numbers, you’d figure Eli Manning must have taken advantage of a defense hell-bent on stopping the run, but Manning posted pedestrian totals (12/31, 146 yds, 1 TD, 1 INT), yet another sign that last week’s hype was a little premature.
If Washington’s defense was bad, the team’s offense was horrendous. Clinton Portis ran for a career-low nine yards on just four carries (he left the game due to injury in the second half) and Mark Brunell looked like the 2004 Mark Brunell, which indicates that perhaps the calf injury he suffered during practice last week was more serious than anyone had anticipated. However, unlike his opponent next weekend, Brunell refuses to answer questions about his injuries, so we’ll never know whether there was an excuse for his poor play.
The death of NFL legend Wellington Mara was mentioned repeatedly yesterday as a factor in the Giants blowout win, but while Mara’s passing certainly affected the Giants, the importance of it on the field yesterday was overstated. Maybe Tiki Barber, Jeremy Shockey and Michael Strahan had a little something extra in their step yesterday, but that didn’t cause the Redskins defense to miss tackles on nearly every play, nor the offense to fumble the ball on routine hits, drop eight passes and not open up any holes on the offensive line. Make no mistake, the Giants played well yesterday, but their 36-0 win was more of a result of a pathetic Redskins effort rather than a sublime New York one.
In the coming week, the Redskins will hear the two most overused words in the NFL, “must win”, often, but need to be careful not to buy into them too much It’s true, the game against Philadelphia next Sunday night at FedEx Field is big, but is hardly a “must win.”
Washington has gone through the toughest part of their schedule and emerged with a 4-3 record. There are only two “gimmies” left (vs. Oakland and at Arizona), but, except for the season finale in Philadelphia, each of the team’s remaining big games are at home. (The ‘Skins have played four of their five toughest road games already – at Dallas, Denver, Kansas City and New York; only the Philly game remains.)
This Sunday’s game is crucial for the Redskins and will tell a lot about the team: Was their pathetic effort yesterday an anomaly or the sign of things to come? Can they get back in the NFC East race, or will they spend the days leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas trying to claw their way into a Wild Card spot? Those answers will be much clearer late Sunday night after the Redskins play a game that, while not necessarily a “must win”, is certainly a “must show up.”


Sunday Superlatives
Game of the Day: Chicago 19 – Detroit 13 (OT)
Was anybody else amazed the Bears won yesterday’s game on an interception return for a touchdown in overtime and it wasn’t Mike Brown who did it? Maybe after another sterling effort Charles Tillman and the Bears defense will get the credit they deserve.
With upcoming games against the Saints and 49ers, Chicago could put some distance between them and the Lions in the NFC North.

Upset of the Day: San Francisco 15 – Tampa Bay 10
There’s a reason the Bucs have been #15 in The Chaz Rankings despite a 5-1 record. Cadillac Williams is clearly not well, and without a rushing attack, the Bucs have no chance of doing anything offensively, particularly with Chris Simms and Tim Rattay at the top of the depth chart.
Of Tampa’s nine remaining games, seven are against teams currently with a winning record. The other two are against the Saints. Translation: Tampa is 5-2 en route to 7-9.

Player of the Day: Jake Plummer, QB, Denver
Years from now, football historians will look back at the 2004 All-Pro teams and wonder how the hell Lito Sheppard was on it. Same goes for Champ Bailey in 2002 and 2003.

Ryan Leaf Line of the Day: Clinton Portis – 4 att, 9 yds
Against the 31st ranked defense in the NFL, Portis had his worst day as a professional.

Faulk Fantasy Player of Day: Tiki Barber – 206 rsh yds, 1 TD – 26 fantasy points
Every year guys like Domanick Davis and Rudi Johnson sit near the top of people’s fantasy draft boards, while proven talents like Edgerrin James and Tiki Barber are passed over. Those two guys are the most underrated backs in the NFL; it’s no surprise both are near the top of the league in rushing yardage (Edge is #1, Barber #7).
Honorable Mention: Steve Smith – 201 rec yds, 20 rsh yds, 1 TD – 26 fantasy points - I’d like to get real statistics on this, but I’d bet that 90% on fantasy owners with Steve Smith on their roster are at, or near, the top of their leagues.
Honorable Mention II: Antonio Gates – 145 rec yds, 3 TD – 32 fantasy points - Gates is the real player of the day, but I totally forgot about him until about two seconds before hitting “Publish”.

Boldin Fantasy Player of Day: Fred Taylor – 165 rsh yds, 1 TD (71) – 26 fantasy points
I got back from a wedding at 12:45 yesterday, leaving me just five minutes to make my roster moves for the week. (Yes, I could have done this during the week, but procrastination is my drug of choice.) While in my hotel room in the morning I saw “Fred Taylor – Questionable” crawl across the screen dozens of times which concerned me, because all week Taylor had been listed as probable. I made a few calls to people I knew would be watching ESPN as I drove home, but nobody could confirm or deny Taylor’s playing status. When I finally got in front of a computer at 12:45 I made the decision to stick with Taylor… Until 12:49 when I bitched out and benched him in favor of… wait for it… Travis Henry (1 carry, 2 yards).

Fantasy Bust of Day: Priest Holmes – 38 rsh yds, 15 rec yds – 4 fantasy points
Against a Chargers D that let Pittsburgh run all over it, Priest couldn’t get much done with his Chiefs down for most of the game.

Predictions
My blurb about the Jags/Rams game from last Friday:

Why am I tempted to take St. Louis here? Jacksonville is 3rd in the Chaz Rankings and I rip on the Rams more than Mike Rumph. Factor in injuries to Marc Bulger, Torry Holt, Issac Bruce and interim coach Joe Vitt (who has a name and face that says “Jersey Teamster” rather than “NFL head coach”), and this shouldn’t even be close. Still, one can never underestimate the magnitude of Mike Martz’s absence. It’d be like if Horatio Sanz left Saturday Night Live. At first, it might seem like a big deal, but after a while you realize all either one of them brought to the table were a bunch stupid grins and an overinflated sense of self-importance.
Pick: Jacksonville (If they lose, I’ll feel bad for not picking St. Louis. If I pick St. Louis and they end up losing, well then I’ll just feel like a fool, which, I suppose, would let me know what it’s like to be Mike Martz for a few hours.)

If I didn’t live in constant fear of being a fool, I would have finished the day 11-2 instead of 10-3.

The Chaz Rankings: Top Two
1) Indianapolis Colts - The Colts must have been licking their chops as they watched Buffalo outplay New England last night.
2) Pittsburgh Steelers - The Steelers must be licking their chops as they watch Anthony Wright warm-up for the Ravens tonight.

Who I Like On Halloween and I Certainly Don’t Mean People Wearing Burger King Masks
Sporting events on television are not required to carry a content rating, but because Anthony Wright is starting tonight for the Ravens, the NFL and ABC executives have agreed to change the rule and gave this game a TV-M. Steelers in a rout, 38-13.

NFL Picks: Week 8

Cleveland at Houston
Texans officials considered honoring the N.L. champion Astros in a pre-game ceremony but became worried that after the team took the field, Morgan Ensberg would leave them stranded.
Pick: Houston

Arizona at Dallas
Arizona officials are quietly hoping J.J. Arrington takes a hint from Harriet Miers and withdraws his nomination as Cardinals starting running back.
Pick: Dallas

Green Bay at Cincinnati
Desperate for a receiver, Packers GM Ted Thompson brought Freddie Mitchell, Antonio Freeman and Chad Johnson’s dentist, Uncle Manny, into Packers practice this week for tryouts.
Pick: Cincinnati

Washington at New York Giants
This morning’s SportsCenter featured a piece on the Giants “explosive” offense. As with most Eli Manning-slurp pieces appearing in the past few days, this one mentioned the Giants are the highest scoring team in the NFL and jumped to the conclusion that this was due to a great offense without providing any other piece of supporting evidence. There’s a reason this happened; no other statistics back-up the assertion that the Giants offense is the best in the NFL.
New York ranks just 15th in the NFL in total offense; 13th in passing and 17th in rushing. Their offensive touchdown total (18, good for 7th in the NFL) and third-down conversion rate (39%, 10th) are decent enough, but similar to the rankings of teams like Washington, Seattle, Cincinnati, New England and St. Louis, each of whom gain 35 more yards per game than New York. The Redskins rank ahead of the Giants in every offensive category except touchdowns (where they have just two less).
So why is everyone hyping the Giants offense as the best in football despite overwhelming evidence which suggests they are just in the top ten, at best? For the same reason the G-Men will play nine home games this year; New York bias.
If Eli Manning were on any other team and had any other name, his pedestrian numbers (13th in NFL passer rating) would be viewed as in-line with what a #1 pick should be doing in his second season. Because Eli is in the Big Apple, however, everything he does is ridiculously magnified and given extra importance.
That comeback last weekend? David Carr had one just like it in his second season on the road against Kansas City, en route to a 4-3 start for the Texans. After that game, Carr got about 1/10th of the press Manning currently is.
Look at it this way; a team with the 15th ranked offense and 31st ranked defense is playing a team with rankings of #2 and #4 in those same categories. Who do you think is going to win?
Pick: Washington

Chicago at Detroit
These two teams finishing up their home-and-home series in October is the equivalent of baseball scheduling all 19 Red Sox-Yankees games before Memorial Day. For shame!
Pick: Chicago

Oakland at Tennessee
It’s hard to believe, but these two teams met in the AFC Championship game just 33 months ago. Actually, what’s really hard to believe is that Norv (56-74-1) Turner received another chance to coach in the NFL after leading the Redskins to unprecedented levels of mediocrity. Maybe Norv and Ben Affleck can hang out after Turner gets canned this off-season.
Pick: Oakland

Minnesota at Carolina
Brighter days seem afoot in Minnesota. After beating the Packers last weekend, the team was today informed that no Vikings player or coach was named in the CIA leak indictments. Score: Vikings 1 – The Man 0.
Pick: Carolina

Jacksonville at St. Louis
Why am I tempted to take St. Louis here? Jacksonville is 3rd in the Chaz Rankings and I rip on the Rams more than Mike Rumph. Factor in injuries to Marc Bulger, Torry Holt, Issac Bruce and interim coach Joe Vitt (who has a name and face that says “Jersey Teamster” rather than “NFL head coach”), and this shouldn’t even be close. Still, one can never underestimate the magnitude of Mike Martz’s absence. It’d be like if Horatio Sanz left Saturday Night Live. At first, it might seem like a big deal, but after a while you realize all either one of them brought to the table were a bunch stupid grins and an overinflated sense of self-importance.
Pick: Jacksonville (If they lose, I’ll feel bad for not picking St. Louis. If I pick St. Louis and they end up losing, well then I’ll just feel like a fool, which, I suppose, would let me know what it’s like to be Mike Martz for a few hours.)

Miami at New Orleans
Come to think of it, for all I know Horatio Sanz could be off SNL. After all, it wasn’t until Marcus Camby got in hot water for his “stipend” comment that I realized Marcus Camby was still in the NBA.
Pick: Miami

Kansas City at San Diego
Is anyone else creeped out by the new set of Greek alphabet hurricane names? Hurricanes are always scary, even if they have some benign name like Fran or Stewart. But a Hurricane Gamma? Man, that just scares the beejeezus out of me. It sounds like a hurricane robot or something. God forbid we ever get to Hurricane Omega. We might as well call the four horseman of the apocalypse and save the hurricane the trouble. And I don’t get the whole “once we run out of names we go to the Greek alphabet” thing. What, there aren’t enough names to make a new list? Until there’s a Hurricane Craphonso, let’s stick to good ol’ American names and leave the Greeks out of this.
Pick: San Diego

Tampa Bay at San Francisco
I wonder if former Miami players talk to Ken Dorsey after they play against him or attempt to ignore their old QB by acting like they don’t see him coming over. Somebody needs to tell Bob Ley to get on this, pronto.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Philadelphia at Denver
The difference between Donovan McNabb and Jake Plummer’s mustache? Both have sports hernias, but only McNabb talks about it at every opportunity.
Pick: Denver

Buffalo at New England
Just think of how much better the Patriots would be if Eli Manning was their quarterback.
Pick: New England

Last Week: 10-4
Season: 69-33

The Ten Foot Pole

Normally, I wouldn’t touch topics like race and sexuality with a ten foot pole. But today’s Washington Post sports page included three stories on these subjects, so I figured it was time to quickly get my pole out of the garage and put it back just as quickly. After today’s serious topics, I guarantee I’ll be back to making fun of Eli Manning and Norv Turner tomorrow. Promise.

Sheryl Swoopes Says She’s Gay
WNBA fans fall into one of two categories: Pre-teen girls and lesbians. The league has little trouble marketing to the former but has been confused about how to cater to the latter. It’s a tricky question, to be sure. How do you cater to your most loyal fans (gay women) while not alienating your biggest potential market (young girls and their families?)
That line becomes even more blurred with Swoopes announcement. Swoopes, arguably the greatest and most recognizable player ever to play in the WNBA, became the league’s top star in its early days and much of the first marketing campaigns centered around her. When Swoopes had a child and then returned to the floor, the WNBA played up the fact that their reigning MVP was a loving mother and wife. Now, the league will struggle with how to address, if it all, Swoopes sexual preference.
Either way, it won’t matter because the WNBA is such a non-factor in the world of sports. Some might look at it as a wonderful reflection on our society when a person’s homosexuality doesn’t cause an uproar, but in this case the lack of shock of Swoopes announcement is based more on a general apathy towards a floundering basketball league than any sort of progressive thinking.
The WNBA is hanging on by a thread and would have folded years ago if David Stern didn’t force NBA owners to keep it afloat. The league’s games get miniscule ratings and even in cities with a team, high school football gets more coverage in newspapers. Swoopes was brave to come out, but it’s important to remember, it’s still the WNBA.
How this will affect the league is anyone’s guess. The WNBA has always had the unfair (and, frankly, sexist) stigma of a “lesbian league” (which seems to suggest that only gay women can become good athletes, a knock on both them and heterosexual women in this country) and Swoopes coming out will do little to change that. Whether there is a higher proportion of gays in the WNBA than in the male professional leagues is open to debate (I’d guess that there probably are more in the WNBA, but not by as much as most people would think), but clearly the women in the league will have much less of a problem with an openly gay teammate than men would. This is why Swoopes announcement is a good thing for gay women and the WNBA, but will have little effect on closeted male athletes currently in professional sports leagues.
One more thing, in most news reports about Swoopes announcement, it has been stated she’s the most recognizable female athlete to ever announce she is gay. This is a strange statement of hyperbole for two reasons:
1) I’d guess only 20% of the population could pick Sheryl Swoopes out of a lineup. And perhaps 40% would recognize her name. And I’m really being generous with those percentages. Most people probably don’t know who Cheryl Miller is, and she’s the most recognizable female basketball player ever. (Did Sheryl Swoopes ever get name-dropped on Seinfeld?)
2) Has everyone forgotten about Martina Navratilova? She came out during her heyday and was infinitely more famous than Sheryl Swoopes. Everyone should follow the lead of the AP wire story on Swoopes which correctly calls her, “the most recognizable athlete to come out in team sports” (emphasis mine).

Air Force Coach DeBarry Reprimanded For Remarks
When Michael Wilbon declares a racially-charged story to be worthless, everyone should take a hint and drop it. Wilbon writes eloquently and thoughtfully about race quite often in his Washington Post column. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I disagree, but I always read, think and try to look at things from the perspective of someone who would know better than me.
Reading Wilbon all my life, listening to his appearances on Tony Kornheiser’s radio show for a decade and watching PTI since it debuted four years ago, I’ve grown a sense of what Wilbon will find racist and what he won’t. Which is why yesterday, when I saw the caption “Air Force’ on the PTI sidebar, there was no doubt which side of the fence Wilbon would be on in this ridiculous story.
A quick recap: In his press conference after a 48-10 loss to TCU, Air Force football coach Fisher DeBarry said:

[They] had a lot more Afro-American players than we did and they ran a lot faster than we did.
It just seems to me to be that way. Afro-American kids can run very well. That doesn't mean that Caucasian kids and other descents can't run, but it's very obvious to me that they run extremely well.

Gentleman, start your outrage! Let’s go over DeBarry’s quote piece-by-piece.
- TCU has more black players. Check.
- TCU ran a lot faster than Air Force. Check.
- Black players run very well. Well, except for the offensive lineman. 5/6th check!
- It doesn’t mean white kids or any other race can’t run well, but it’s clear black kids run extremely well. Umm, what exactly is wrong about this statement?
I didn’t realize that we, as a society, had become so touchy about race that people can’t make factual statements about the subject.
Look at the top two receivers and cornerbacks for each NFL team, the two positions where speed is said to count the most. Of those 128 players, how many are not black? Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any corners and for receivers, only Brian Finneran, Joe Jurevicius and Drew Bennett come to mind. Let’s say I forgot about one or two players (and I’m not talking about current starters either, Kevin Curtis doesn’t count because he’s behind Torry Holt and Issac Bruce on the depth chart), which would mean that only five of the 128 players (4%) at two speed positions are white. If I didn’t forget about anyone, the percentage would drop to 2% (3/128).
So why, exactly, are people up in arms about DeBarry’s comment? He didn’t say white kids couldn’t be fast. He didn’t make irresponsible genetic assumptions about why black kids were faster. He just said that, in general, black kids were faster than white kids and those of other descents.
Yesterday, the vice-president of the Black Coaches Association was on Sportscenter and said that, in an emergency meeting called by the BCA, they recommended that DeBarry be reprimanded and choose his words more carefully, which indicates to me that the BCA had nothing better to do yesterday.
Get over it. Just because somebody brings up race doesn't mean they're automatically making a racist statement.

Aaron Upset At Astros’ Lack of African-Americans
The Houston Astros became the first World Series team since 1953 without an African-American player on their active roster. This makes Hank Aaron and Joe Morgan upset, and rightfully so. Unfortunately, Aaron and Morgan are upset with the wrong people.
“It is very disturbing to see something like this,” Aaron said. “You would think that [the Astros] could find at least one or two African-Americans, especially in this city.”
Aaron’s original sentiment is understandable. The decline of black players in baseball is a disturbing trend. But to blame the Astros for not opening a roster spot for a black player, simply because of his race, is an irresponsible statement.
It’s not the job of the Houston Astros to put together a diverse lineup. It’s the GM’s role to put together the best lineup possible within the budget. If a black player fit a needed role, the Astros would no doubt pick him up. But that’s difficult to do when only 9% of players on opening day rosters were black.
The Baltimore Orioles had zero black players on their opening day roster. The Boston Red Sox had just one the same as Aaron's old team, the Atlanta Braves.
So clearly, the problem isn’t just with the Houston Astros, it’s with baseball's lack of importance in the black community. Black kids don’t dream of playing major league baseball; the NBA and NFL, in that order, are the goals. And it makes sense.
Basketball is easy to play on a tight budget. All you need is a ball and a hoop and you can play all day. With one other person you have one-on-one and so on. But baseball requires a handful of players, a bat, a ball, gloves for at least half the players and a field. The equipment is tough to come by, the field is even tougher. Whereas basketball courts need little upkeep (once they’re created, all you have to do is replace a net every once in a while - and you don’t even need to do that), baseball fields need constant supervision and a lot of space. That’s tough to come by in any place, let alone in cities and the deep south where a vast majority of the nation’s 35 million African-American reside.
Plus, baseball isn’t nearly as exciting as basketball and football and is much more difficult to get started in. A top baseball draft choice will play in the minor leagues for two or three years. The top picks in basketball and football get playing time almost immediately.
Hopefully the rise of young black stars like Dontrelle Willis, C.C. Sabathia, Justin Upton and Prince Fielder will spark a resurgence in the game’s popularity among black kids. If not, the Houston Astros will be the first of many teams in the coming years to play in a World Series without a black player.

Damn! Skip Bayless Is An Idiot

On his good days, ESPN.com columnist Skip Bayless makes Mike Wise look like Red Smith. On his bad days, Bayless is the worst sportswriter in America.
Yesterday was a bad day. Bayless wrote a sonnet to Giants quarterback Eli Manning on ESPN.com after Manning’s decidedly unspectacular 23/42 performance against a broken down Broncos secondary.
Unlike other odes to Eli written this week, which I might disagree with yet don’t contain any factual statements, the column by Bayless is a mess of contradictions, misstatements, lies and terrible writing. I’ll ignore the latter (let’s just say Bayless went with the obvious “Eli’s Comin” lead, but failed miserably with its execution) and instead focus on the former.
If Bayless wants to have a man-crush on Eli, that’s fine. Just don’t make ridiculous statements while doing so. At least Peter King acknowledges he’s in love with the crybaby hick and writes his absurd opinions about how great Manning is, not absurd statements of fact.
So without further adieu, some excerpts from Skip Bayless’s epic “Damn! Did you see that?”:

But Eli whipped what was basically a no-look pass, ducking as he fired to where he thought Amani Toomer was headed. This was no safe throw to a corner of the end zone. This one was aimed right down the middle, where several white-jerseyed Broncos might be able to get a hand on it.

In no possible way can anyone make a straight-faced claim that Eli Manning "whipped" the ball to Amani Toomer on the last play of that game. Manning's ball stayed in the air longer than a trans-Atlantic flight, even his supporters would say that. And how was it "no-look"? Again, in an undebatable point, Manning was looking at Toomer the entire time he was backpedaling. The only reason he was backpedaling in the first place was to buy time to toss the ball to Amani who was, in fact, in the middle of a bunch of Broncos players, which is the first true statement Bayless makes, yet also totally undermines his point.
This is the problem with guys like him. They'll pump up the myth of a player by overstating their contribution to a play and everyone will believe it. This is why everyone thinks Michael Vick is a good NFL quarterback.

Eli, whose football IQ is approaching his big brother Peyton's, obviously knew that Toomer had attracted the most favorable matchup.

Eli is approaching Peyton's football IQ in the same way Cadillac Williams is approaching Emmitt Smith's career rushing record. Both have made strides towards someday MAYBE coming close, but at this point each are so far off any comparison is absurd. This is, again, something even Eli supporters wouldn't argue with. You can say Manning has matured over his first 14 starts. (He has.) You can say he's improved dramatically since last season. (He has.) But to say he's approaching Peyton's football IQ? Oh man, you're such an idiot Skip Bayless.
Also, how does realizing Toomer had the best match-up constitute a high football IQ? Especially considering Toomer DIDN'T have the best match-up.

With Champ Bailey, the NFL's best cover corner, all over Plaxico Burress, Toomer was being chased by rookie backup corner Domonique Foxworth, a third-round draft pick out of Maryland. Starter Darrent Williams had limped off a couple of plays earlier.

"The NFL's best cover corner" had been abused all day by an injured Plaxico Burress. "The NFL's best cover corner" consistently gets abused by the opposing team's best receiver. "The NFL's best cover corner" gets thrown on more than Manny Ramirez, a sure sign that NFL offensive coordinators would argue vehemently with your assertion that said "best cover corner" is actually "the NFL's best cover corner."

Toomer broke from the back of the end zone toward the goal line, rose into the chilly night and snagged Eli's bullet. And suddenly Giants Stadium went from "No, Eli," to "YES!"

"Eli's bullet?" Tim Wakefield’s knuckleball had more on it than “Eli’s bullet”. Do you think Skip Bayless actually watched the game or just heard about it from Woody Paige?

The NFL's offensive Play of the Day was New York-big for the Giants and their quarterback. They came back to beat, arguably, the NFL's second-best team (behind Indianapolis) after looking overmatched for three-plus quarters. And Eli pulled off something that his big brother hasn't been known for -- a last-ditch comeback.

Comebacks for quarterbacks are the most overrated things in sports. If Eli was so good, he never would have had to comeback in the first place.

But Eli announced his arrival with a last-second TD pass that stopped Denver's five-game winning streak.

No, I think Eli announced his arrival by crying like a bitch on draft day.

At times the kid just looks so passionless.

Except, of course, when refusing to play for the team that drafted him and petulantly demanding a trade, thus undermining the whole purpose behind the NFL draft.

This situation was why Eli told the San Diego Chargers he wouldn't play for them if they took him with the first overall pick. Several sources close to the Manning family say Eli was the one who wanted to force a trade to the Giants and "play the palace," as New York Times columnist Red Smith used to call playing for a New York team. This wasn't daddy's or big brother's game plan. This was Eli's.

Several sources close to the Manning family? I'm “several sources close to the Manning family” didn’t have any agenda when leaking info to a moron like Skip Bayless. I can just imagine the conversation.
Manning Source #1 - “Hey, let's call up Skip Bayless and tell him Archie played no part in Eli being a baby and refusing to play in San Diego; a team that proved him wrong by winning the AFC West last year without his whiny ass.”
Manning Source #2 - "But what about all the published reports that Archie did, in fact, orchestrate the whole thing."
Manning Source #1 - “This is Skip Bayless we're dealing with here, not Woodward and Bernstein. We could tell him Cooper is currently coaching the Rams and Bayless wouldn’t know. He stars on Cold Pizza for crap’s sake.

How many 22-year-olds would have the guts and vision to scare off the Chargers so he could subject himself to the ultimate pressure of playing in New York?

Playing for the Chargers would have taken guts. Wimping out because daddy said so took a 22-year old child with trace amounts of testosterone.

In that regard, it reminded you a little of Joe Montana's most famous completion, which became The Catch, made by Dwight Clark to beat Dallas for the 1981 NFC championship. Though that play began at the 6-yard line, Montana retreated so far with Too Tall Jones leaping in his face that the pass felt almost like a bomb.
Eli didn't just flip a swing pass to Tiki. No, he made this Montana-dramatic. He went back, back, back into history to launch his legend. No, Eli. YES!

Yes, you gigantic waste of space. The Broncos failing to cover Amani Toomer on an October day at Giants Stadium is the same thing as Joe Montana scrambling around and hitting Dwight Clark in the back of the endzone against a great Cowboys team as time expired in the NFC Championship Game.
Instead of making the easy, and ridiculous, John Elway link like most Eli-lovers did this week, Bayless instead opted to compare Manning’s final play, which more resembled Josh McCown finding Nathan Poole in the Cardinals last-second win over the Vikings in week 17 of the 2003 season, to the GREATEST PLAY IN NFL HISTORY.
Damn! Skip Bayless is an idiot.

The Chaz Rankings: Week 7

1) Indianapolis Colts (7-0, #1) - How soon are we away from the inevitable "Fact or Fiction: Eli Manning is better than his brother?" question on Sportscenter that Sean Salisbury will answer with a definitive "fact"? Ten days? Fifteen, max? It's going to happen this season, mark my words. Hopefully the follow-up will be "Fact or Fiction: The Colts blew it by taking Peyton Manning over Ryan Leaf?"

2) Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2, #4) - Second-year pro Eli Manning is 5-8 as a starter in his career. Second-year pro Ben Roethlisberger is 17-1 as a starter in his career. To listen to anyone but Ron Jaworski and Dr. Z, you would be sure it was the other way around.

3) Jacksonville Jaguars (4-2, #6) - Maybe they don’t deserve to be #3, but Jacksonville is much better than you think. Plus, I need every bit of good karma for the Jags I can get since I’m forced to start Fred Taylor in my fantasy league this weekend.

4) Denver Broncos (5-2, #2) - Decisions, decisions… Do I harp on the pitiful play of Champ Bailey and the Denver secondary (who should be forced to watch every dope in the media proclaim Eli Manning the greatest tantrum-throwing, draft-avoiding quarterback since John Elway, since it was they who lost the game for the Broncos on Sunday. Seriously, how do they let Plaxico Burress catch that jump ball in the endzone, watch Jeremy Shockey get wide open on the game’s final drive and allow Manning’s final touchdown pass to stay in the air for 15 minutes and then softly land in Amani Toomer’s hands, despite five white jerseys being within one step of him? Did they sign Ade Jimoh, Mike Rumph and Stanley Richard or something?) or make the fairly obvious statement that the Broncos would be 6-1 and sitting comfortably atop the AFC East if Jake Plummer would stop pussyfooting around and shave the damn beard to reveal the magnificence that is his bewhiskered nose-tickler.

5) Kansas City Chiefs (4-2, #9) - We all know Priest plays well on Sundays, but was anyone aware Priest’s dominance also translated to Shabbos? I didn’t know if he was even going to be able to roll?

6) Washington Redskins (4-2, #10) - Before you call me a homer; Mike Ditka has ‘em ranked 4th. Seriously, the Washington Redskins are a good football team. Not great, but good. Maybe very good. This weekend in New Jersey will tell.
As for ranking them above the other NFC contenders; in addition to all the reasons I gave two weeks ago, only the ‘Skins are 4-0 in the conference.

7) Philadelphia Eagles (4-2, #5) - The Eagles are a lot like my ’91 Cadillac: They’re both one pothole away from the wheels coming off completely. At least the Eagles have a stereo and functional brakes though.

8) Atlanta Falcons (5-2, #8) - As The Wolfman noted last night, the highlight of last night’s Monday Night game was easily the Michael Vick player profile in which ABC asked Mr. Mexico about the strangest request he has ever received from a fan and the secret to dating two women at once. Actually, the highlight was John Madden’s subtle-as-a-2x4-follow-up-comment, “he lives life on the edge.” If by “on the edge” you mean “in between outbreaks,” then yes he does, John. Yes he does.

9) Carolina Panthers (4-2, #12) - You might inquire as to why the Panthers moved up three spots in the rankings despite having a bye week. I might respond, “how the hell should I know; Elvis had a #1 record last year and he’s been dead for 28 years. I don’t have control over the rankings, I just let them flow.”

10) San Diego Chargers (3-4, #3) - On December 8th of this year, Drew Brees will be 26 years old. Philip Rivers will be 25. So what exactly does, “looking ahead to the future mean?” If Brees is a competent quarterback (and that’s exactly what he appears to be), do you sacrifice the 2006 season (and one year of LaDainian Tomlinson’s prime, which will likely be as brief as it is for most running backs) just to find out whether Philip Rivers might be, say, 25% better? Doesn’t it make sense to ride Brees and unload Rivers while he still has some value? This isn’t a Jon Kitna/Carson Palmer situation either; Brees was one pick away from being a first rounder and is highly regarded around the league. I’ll expound on this further when we get to the Lions.

11) New England Patriots (3-3, #13) - Uh-oh Tom Brady... It looks like the newly (and oddldy) svelte Peter King is leaving you for another man!

12) Seattle Seahawks (5-2, #15) - It’s just a shame Ken Hamlin couldn’t go out and get in a fight to celebrate the latest Seahawks win.

13) New York Giants (4-2, #16) - Seriously, Ken Hamlin could have picked off Eli’s last throw even when he was in ICU.

14) Cincinnati Bengals (5-2, #7) - The anonymous Bengals guy, as he will be known from here on out (by the way, he seemed to take umbrage at my shots at his anonymity, yet still ducked behind it when given the opportunity to reveal himself), wrote a long diatribe yesterday defending his overrated team. It was well-written and contained many lucid points. Here is my reply: Beat somebody. Being “legitimately better than Cleveland and Baltimore” will only get you another top-10 pick in the draft to waste.

15) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-1, #14) - Yes, I know Carson Palmer was a top-10 pick and is the real deal, but you can take Palmer and I’ll stick with Levi Jones, Peter Warrick, Akili Smith, Reinard Wilson, Ki-Jana Carter, Big Daddy Wilkinson, John Copeland, David Klinger, Alfred Williams and James Francis, thank you very much.

16) Dallas Cowboys (4-3, #11) - Between Drew Bledsoe and Brad Lidge, Texas is becoming the place to be for game-blowing closers. It’s only a matter of time before Mitch Williams and Armando Benitez sublet a duplex together.

17) Oakland Raiders (2-4, #24) - The novelty of seeing receivers with uniform numbers in the teens is kind of wearing off. The hilarity of watching Norv Turner coach a team, however, will always be fresh as a laundered pair of drawers.

18) Buffalo Bills (3-4, #17) - Will there ever be a day when I’ll see the name Willis McGahee and not get the Diff’rent Strokes theme stuck in my head? My productivity has plummeted since I started thinking of something to write about Buffalo because I have that damn, “and together we’ll be fine” line running on a continuous loop through my head. Alan Thicke, you are a thorn in my paw.

19) Chicago Bears (3-3, #20) - Oh, who am I kidding. I can never be angry at the man who played Jason Seaver.

20) Detroit Lions (3-3, #25) - I heard a curious statement today on Sportscenter about the Jeff Garcia/Joey Harrington situation. Sean Salisbury was contending (I should have flipped the channel right there) that Jeff Garcia’s good play is bad for the Lions because he’s a quarterback with no future. (This got me thinking about Brees/Rivers, which I mentioned earlier. Clearly, the Lions situation is a lot different than the Chargers one (which is unprecedented in modern NFL history), but the gist is the same: Why stick with Harrington when Garcia can get you to the playoffs now?)
What does Salisbury mean, “the future?” Are we vying for the 2009 Super Bowl this weekend? The NFL is driven by parity. As a handful of teams have shown in recent years, anyone can win the Super Bowl in any year. Why shouldn’t the Lions go with Garcia? They’re in a miserable division they can easily win; and who’s to say they can’t steal a home game in the playoffs against a wild card team? With Harrington at the helm, they have no chance.

21) St. Louis Rams (3-4, #18) - How many times do you think the line, “Jamie Martin might not seem like much but remember, we didn’t think anything of Kurt Warner at first either,” was uttered this weekend in St. Louis? Probably as much as, “if only Brad Lidge could have pitched in every game in the NLCS.”

22) New Orleans Saints (2-5, #21) - Esquire runs a great little column every month called “The Indefensible Position” in which a writer bucks conventional thought and attempts to justify a previously unheard of stand on an issue. A recent topic was, “Gilmore Girls is the best show on TV for men”.
In the grand tradition of Bill Simmons, I’m going to steal this idea right now and take the following indefensible position: Why do the Saints owe New Orleans anything?
It’s Tom Benson’s prerogative where he wants the Saints to play. If he wants to move them to San Antonio, that’s his call. L.A.? Fine. You could say Benson shouldn’t be allowed to do this, but that’s the way it works. Don’t hate the eccentric umbrella-wielding millionaire, hate the game.
It’s just plain fascinating that nobody seemed to mind Benson was playing footsie with those two cities pre-Katrina, but now that a hurricane wiped out the city, everyone suddenly thinks such talks are downright insulting! (Timed poorly, of course. But insulting, hardly.) Insulting is the support New Orleans has given the Saints. In terms of percent capacity at home, the Saints ranked 28th, 26th and 29th in the NFL over the past three seasons, respectively. Games were blacked out on local television. And for this Tom Benson owes it to the city not to make a sound business move?
If you weren’t outraged about a possible Saints move in July, you can’t be outraged now. Why would Benson want to take a team back to a city next season (or whenever) that could have 50% less residents and will be rebuilt despite being just as vulnerable to flooding as it was two months ago just because it is the right thing to do? Since when does anyone in the NFL do the right thing?

23) Arizona Cardinals (2-4, #30) - Two facts about my friend Blair from Arizona: 1) She’s getting married this Saturday. 2) She has more rushing yards this season than J.J. Arrington.

24) Tennessee Titans (2-4, #19) - That new Gatorade commercial where they show Michael Jordan missing the shot over Craig Ehlo and “The Catch” turning into “The Incompletion” is pretty cool. Too bad they ruined it by not changing the Jeter flip so that instead of throwing out Jeremy Giambi, Derek Jeter instead ran into the stands to sit with his boyfriend Ramon.

25) New York Jets (2-4, #23) - I know, it’s been a while since I made a Jeter joke, but it was tough to during the playoffs, what with A. Rod whiffing like he was batting 8th on the Bad News Bears and Randy Johnson looking every bit like the mulleted 49-year old freakshow that he is. How Joe Torre is returning to that team is baffling.

26) Minnesota Vikings (2-4, #31) - Where are the Vikings sex cruise photos? Isn’t this getting a little ridiculous? How have these not been leaked to The St. Paul Pioneer Press or Sports Illustrated yet? The celeb-zines had pictures of Jennifer Aniston kissing Vince Vaughn and Britney’s baby this week and the sports world can’t even get a peek at Fred Smoot in a three-some with a white cocktail waitress and Asian stripper? For shame!

27) Miami Dolphins (2-4, #22) - It’s amazing more people haven’t realized that, this past winter, America was just weeks away from witnessing a historic reunion between Gus Frerotte and Norv Turner. We nearly returned to Camelot, yet nobody took the time to notice. I guess when there’s pictures of Rachel kissing Double Down Trent, matters like the two greatest football minds ever getting back together seem trivial by comparison.

28) Green Bay Packers (1-5, #28) - Brett Favre is the only quarterback in NFL history who could have guided the atrocious Packers to a 1-5 record in their first six games. Anybody else, from Joe Montana to Spurgeon Wynn would be, like, 0-63.

29) Baltimore Ravens (2-4, #26) - At what point does Brian Billick say, “screw it,” and decide to host a reality show to find the Ravens a new quarterback. I truly believe that, given the proper training and time, about 400-600 men currently not in the NFL could do a better job than Anthony Wright. (And there’s probably 50-100 women who could too.) I mean, come on, American Idol made Clay ‘Freakin Aiken a star; are you telling me Quarterback Seek couldn’t do the same for some guy in Alabama who sits in a bar talking about the ’96 state championship he almost won and gets all upset when somebody puts Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days” on the jukebox? And this is right up Billick’s alley too. He’s already let the cameras follow him in Hard Knocks and last year he allowed John Feinstein to shadow him for an entire season for an upcoming book. Billick loves the spotlight and the thought of him sitting in the film room with Jim Fassel and Steve Biscotti each week getting ready to utter his signature catchphrase to the eliminated quarterback (I’m thinking he would go with either “you no longer have access to my genius” or pulling the guy’s jersey out of a hamper and symbolically cutting it with a huge pair of clown scissors) probably gets him as excited as he was when he won the Super Bowl.

30) Cleveland Browns (2-4, #27) - Yes, to those of you who heard me on 98 Rock’s “Kirk, Mark and Spiegel” this morning, I just reused my material. But hey, if Tony Kornheiser can repeat himself in print, on radio and on television, my two-medium overlap is well within the limits.

31) Houston Texans (0-6, #32) - I suppose the obligatory Brad Lidge joke would have been proper here, but I wasted that in the Cowboys blurb.

32) San Francisco 49ers (1-5, #29) - It’s a true testament to Mike Martz’s abilities as a head coach that the Niners only win of the season came against the Rams.

Monday Afternoon Cornerback

Sunday Superlatives
Game of the Day: Minnesota 23 – Green Bay 20
Dallas/Seattle might have been more surprising, San Diego/Philly involved a team getting ridiculously lucky on multiple occasions and Denver/New York was, arguably, just as exciting (though when you factor in the fact that the referees did everything in their power to give the Giants the win, it really wasn’t – and, by the way, I’m not understanding how Jeremy Shockey being wide open on 3rd and 10 makes Eli Manning a great quarterback), but Green Bay/Minnesota had a 17-point halftime deficit erased, two-last minute field goals (including a 56-yarder as time expired), the priceless shot of Brett Favre standing powerless on the sidelines while mentally figuring out who he would blame for the loss and the continued saga of Daunte Culpepper’s touchdown celebrations where you can tell he really wants to make the rolling motion with his hands, but after remembering his team is 1-4 and has introduced the phrase “sex cruise” into our national lexicon, decides against it.

”Upset” of the Day: Pittsburgh 27 – Cincinnati 13
You know how they say a leopard can’t change its spots? Well, the Bengals can’t change their 15 years of ineptitude either. This Pittsburgh pasting (the game wasn’t nearly as close as the score would indicate) was the weekend’s most obvious result, despite the game’s location (in Ohio) and the injury of Ben Roethlisberger.
Before you begin defending Cincinnati (and before that one guy who always leaves comments complaining about how I don’t respect the Bengals enough - or at all - writes), remember this: The NFL’s most overrated team has five wins against sub-.500 opponents and two losses in their only games versus teams with a winning record and just laid an egg at home in the franchise’s biggest game since Super Bowl XXIII.

Player of the Day: Thomas Jones, RB, Chicago
Jones didn’t score as much as Clinton Portis or Lamont Jordan, but was every bit as valuable on Sunday. In an ugly defensive struggle in a rainstorm at Soldier Field, Jones kept the chains moving and single-handedly moved the Bears into a tie atop the NFC North.

Ryan Leaf Line of the Day: LaDainian Tomlinson – 17 rushes, 7 yards
Marty Schottenheimer really should have let LDT know that just because they were playing Philly, the Chargers didn’t need to match the Eagles by implementing a non-existent rushing attack.
By the way, a win is a win in the NFL so the Eagles and their fans can be happy about sneaking out one in this contest. But make no mistake; in a game where LaDainian Tomlinson was a complete non-factor, Philly was still thoroughly outplayed by San Diego. The Eagles are in big trouble this season; playing in the toughest division in football, making the playoffs is no sure thing for Andy Reid and company.

Faulk Fantasy Player of Day: Daunte Culpepper – 280 pass yds, 2 TD, 40 rsh yds – 26 fantasy points
So who benched him this week?

Boldin Fantasy Player of Day: Frank Gore – 89 rsh yds, 1 TD (72) – 16 fantasy points
The beauty of fantasy football: Garbage time touchdowns against a second-string defense count just as much as game-winning ones.

Fantasy Bust of Day: LaDainian Tomlinson – 7 rsh yds, 26 rec yds – 2 fantasy points
I never give the Ryan Leaf Line of the Day and Fantasy Bust of the Day to the same player, but LDT’s performance was so bad it defies description.
Earlier this year when I wrote LDT was overrated, this is the sort of game I was talking about. He’s amazing, don’t get me wrong, but like Barry Sanders, Danie rarely has games where he grinds out 70 tough yards (a la Emmit Smith) and instead is a complete non-factor.

Quick Thoughts
- Whoever is calling plays for the Giants is miserable at their job. There’s no way Eli Manning should be throwing the ball 42 times when Tiki Barber is averaging over 4.5 yards per carry.

- Since when did Plaxico Burress start getting calls like Michael Jordan? How many pass interference penalties were called on Denver defenders who were covering Burress? I mean, we all know Paul Tagliabue will do anything it takes to get the Giants in the playoffs, but subtlety is a virtue, bro.
Need proof the NFL is partial to the Giants? Look no further than the NFL standings on ESPN.com. The Giants, Eagles and Redskins are all 4-2, yet look who is atop the NFC East.
Of course it’s totally irrelevant today who is listed in first place (much like USC’s much-publicized fall from the top-perch in the BCS – It’s not even freaking Halloween yet; you know at least two of the following three teams (USC, Virginia Tech, Texas) will lose before the BCS results start to matter, so who cares if USC is #2 today – sorry, I got off-track), but it would be relevant after week 17.
If that were today, the Giants wouldn’t win the tiebreaker, the Redskins would due to their 1-0 record in the NFC East. (The Giants and Eagles are 0-1). Clearly the NFL doesn’t really care about using tiebreakers to break meaningless mid-season ties (and maybe they shouldn’t), so maybe the Giants “leading” the East is based on something else.
At first glance you might say, “oh, they just listed them alphabetically,” but take a look at the NFC South standings. Atlanta is tied with Carolina, yet are ahead of them in the standings.
Maybe the tiebreaker is done by points? Nope, look at the AFC North.
Current won/loss streak? No; AFC East again.
Wait, I finally figured it out. The first tiebreaker of the NFL’s official standings must be “amount of home games stolen from hurricane-ravaged opponents and subsequently and arbitrarily played in a team’s own stadium.”

- Clinton Portis’s cartwheel was the second-best touchdown celebration of the year, behind only Chad Johnson’s Riverdance.

- I’m going to be on the Kirk, Mark and Spiegel show on 98 Rock in Baltimore tomorrow at morning at 7:40, so I’ll save my thoughts on the unprecedented suckiness of Anthony Wright until then.

Predictions
Finished 9-4 for the weekend, but had a hard time playing the “which team is worse” game with Green Bay/Minnesota, Detroit/Cleveland and New Orleans/St. Louis.

The Chaz Rankings: Top Two
1) Indianapolis Colts (7-0) - You read it here back in September, but it just became official today: The Colts will be undefeated headed into their must-win Monday Night showdown in New England in two weeks.
2) Pittsburgh Steelers - They get a mulligan for the Tommy Maddox debacle.

Who I Like Monday Night and I Certainly Don’t Mean Michael Vick
Of course, even Vick is a better option at QB than Vinny Testaverde. Falcons cruise, 30-16.

NFL Picks: Week 7

Kansas City at Miami
When asked why this game, moved to 7:00 tonight because of Hurricane Wilma, wouldn’t be shown nationally, NFL spokesman Greg Aiello said, “we are not extending the telecast to more markets because we want to adhere as closely as possible to the spirit of our longstanding policy not to conflict with high school and college football during their seasons.”
Translation: “We didn’t want to get killed by The Ghost Whisperer in the ratings.”
Pick: Kansas City

Green Bay at Minnesota
This week, Brett Favre said he was absolutely shocked and dismayed when he heard about the Vikings pleasure cruise on Lake Minnetonka. Said Favre, “that NFL players could revel in such debacherous activity without any reported use of vicodin or other narcotic analgesics is simply despicable.”
Pick: Green Bay

Indianapolis at Houston
With the PC police running wild through our country, I’m sort of amazed nobody has gotten their panties in a bunch over the use of “Hurricanes” as a team nickname. With nearly one million people left homeless in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the time would seem ripe for some enterprising, press-hungry lawyer to raise a fuss about the offensive and exploitive use of a natural disaster to celebrate a sports team.
Couldn’t you imagine Jesse Jackson standing in front of a Red Cross relief shelter insisting that the Miami and Carolina hurricanes change their names to something which would provoke less trauma in those left in Katrina and Rita’s wake?
And if that does happen (and let’s be honest, it’s really only a matter of time) what’s next to go? Maybe the Texans. After all, you know what they say: Guns don’t kill people, Texans kill people.
Pick: Indianapolis (In a closer game than you think)

Detroit at Cleveland
Well, I just pissed off Jesse Jackson supporters and all of Texas. I suppose I’ll save my joke about the pope and the rabbi for another time.
Pick: Cleveland

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Some guy in the comments section keeps ripping me for picking against the Bengals every week, which reminds me of an old Winston Churchill quote: “I may be wrong, sir, but one day I will be right and you will still be a Bengals fan.”
Pick: Pittsburgh

New Orleans at St. Louis
Jamie Martin sounds like the name of a character on Beverly Hills 90210. Of course, Marc Bulger sounds like he should be starring in adult films with Jake Plummer’s mustache, so maybe Martin starting a few games isn’t such a bad thing.
Pick: New Orleans

San Francisco at Washington
Back to the nickname thing for a minute; every few years somebody tries to get the Redskins to change their name and, clearly, it never works. Various groups have tried taking legal action, organizing boycotts and forcing Daniel Snyder to watch Dances With Wolves with his eyes forced open a la Clockwork Orange in order to get the Redskins to change the name they’ve had since 1932. It never works. (And as long as Snyder owns the team, I don’t think it will.)
The main problem with these protests is that there never seems to be too many American Indian people involved with them. It’s either a politician or lawyer heading the effort with a token Indian guy by their side looking uncomfortable in an ill-fitting suit. And it always seems to be more of a publicity stunt rather than an actual effort on behalf of offended American Indians.
These failed attempts have led many to believe that the American Indian population is outraged by sports nicknames ridiculing their population. Not surprisingly, the media is to blame for this.
NFL.com blowhard Gregg Easterbrook refuses to call the Redskins by their name in print, instead referring to them by a name that I’ll similarly, and equally unimportantly, refuse to use. A number of newspapers also boycott the moniker, including The Kansas City Star which hypocritically prints the name of the hometown Chiefs. It all reeks of political correctness run amok.
If there was actual support for such action, then I’d be all for it. But there’s not.
Those opposed to the Redskins nickname claim to do so because American Indians are offended. This is categorically untrue.
A poll released last year by the Annenberg Election Survey found that a whopping 90% of American Indians don’t care about, and aren’t offended by, the Redskins nickname. Only 9% are offended by the name, which is probably the same percentage of people who are offended by anything. Nine percent of people are probably opposed to drug testing for school bus drivers too. I’m sure at least 20% of people are offended by the stupidity of the ridiculously named Toronto Raptors.
People just think the American Indians are offended, so they organize these protests and boycotts just to have a cause. But since the American Indians don’t care, nobody else should either.
Pick: Washington

San Diego at Philadelphia
OK, I like Brian Westbrook. He’s a local product made good and a fine player in the NFL. But if I hear another announcer compare Westbrook to Priest Holmes, I might just have to… Well, I wouldn’t really do anything, but I could make empty threats and act like I would.
Wesbtrook, now in his 4th NFL season, has 1,849 yards rushing and 24 TD in his career; or about the same totals Priest had in 2002 alone (1,615 rush yards, 24 TD). In layman’s terms, Westbrook is House Party I to Priest’s House Party II.
Pick: Philadelphia

Dallas at Seattle
Seahawks safety Ken Hamlin is still in serious condition at a Seattle-area hospital after a bar fight left him with a fractured skull, bruised brain tissue and a small blood clot. Thankfully his injuries didn’t include a sports hernia, or else Hamlin would have been in real trouble.
Pick: Seattle

Baltimore at Chicago
How, in the name of Brian Billick’s receding hairline, was this clunker given a 4:15 start time by CBS? At first I thought it was a typo; sadly, it was not.
There’s only one way this could have happened:

The scene: A TV meeting at NFL headquarters in New York, two days before the league releases the master schedule.
NFL Rep - (Shuffling through papers) OK, moving to week 7... CBS has the national game. (Looks up at CBS execs) You have seven games to choose from, who you want in the national slot?
CBS exec - To us (shoots his giggling partner a stern glance), five words define the essence of NFL football in the autumn (kicks his red-faced, teary-eyed partner the table): Kyle Boller vs. Rex Grossman.
Hearty laughter ensues from everyone at the table. Back-slapping and table-pounding occur. The note-taking secretary begins to talk over the guffaws.
Secretary - (Holding up master schedule) - Alright, that’s Baltimore-Chicago, 4:15 on October 22!
Even more laughter. After about 15 seconds it dies down and the meeting continues. Fast forward to the office of the same CBS exec last week. He places a frantic call to the partner he kicked under the table six months before.
CBS exec - We have a serious problem. We never moved the Baltimore-Chicago game back to 1:00.
Other CBS exec - Dear God, what have we done.
A lone gunshot is heard over the phone.

Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at Arizona
Can a battle between Josh McCown and Kurt Warner really be classified as a “quarterback controversy”? Choosing either of them will be about as controversial as an episode of Full House. (Except for that one where Stephanie has to tell Uncle Jesse she’s addicted to heroin. Wait, I’m thinking of an episode of Oz.)
Pick: Arizona

Buffalo at Oakland
Glitter, glisten, gloss, floss, Norv Turner can’t win without Randy Moss.
Sparkle, shimmer, run, stun, he really can’t win with, like, anyone.
Pick: Oakland

Denver at New York Giants
Jeremy Shockey is envious of Jake Plummer’s mustache because he is unable to grow one quite so magnificent. Eli Manning is jealous of it because he just started using a razor this past February.
Pick: Denver

Last Week: 11-3
Season: 59-29

Thursday Headlines

Leo Mazzone to Orioles
At first, this retrograde move seemed a bit baffling. Why would Leo Mazzone, the most respected position coach in baseball history, leave the most successful National League franchise of the past 15 years to go to a Baltimore organization that has been an unqualified mess for the better part of eight seasons? It didn't make any sense.
Some light was shed on the curious relocation when an AP wire story mentioned Mazzone and new Orioles manager Sam Perlozzo are best friends. It appears Mazzone wanted to spend his final years as a pitching coach alongside a good buddy, which is nice. Then again, Mazzone is only 57, so it's not exactly like he is running out of time.
Perhaps Mazzone figured Perlozzo's time as Orioles manager would be a lot shorter; he is the fourth O's skipper in seven seasons and the impatience of Peter Angelos is only growing by the year.
Either way, this move can't please the Red Sox or Yankees. For the past two seasons Baltimore's offense has been solid but the team has been held back by its horrible pitching staff. With Mazzone, the Orioles figure to greatly improve their rotation without making a roster move.
It's no coincidence the O's snatched away Mazzone the year after their stranglehold on the Washington D.C. market was stolen by the Nationals. After years of putting out an inferior product to try and keep baseball out of D.C., Angelos finally figured out he needs to field a contender if he wants to make money. He might have killed The Oriole Way, but with the signing of Leo Mazzone, Peter Angelos might have managed to make the Orioles relevant for the first time since 1997.

Astros Advance to World Series
When can we begin discussing how overrated Tony LaRussa is? He has just one World Series title in his 28 years of managing and is just 8-19 in the NLCS and World Series during his stint in St. Louis.
Even though Joe Torre has five rings, he is far-less revered than LaRussa who recently had a book dedicated to his “genius”. His micromanaging ways have produced scores of admirers in the media who all fail to recognize the playoff shortcomings.
I always say the baseball playoffs are a pitching crapshoot and teams with magnificent records during the year still deserve credit even if they don't win a championship. LaRussa's Cardinals are no different. But, if you watch their playoff runs over the past decade, you'll see a team managed by a man who tries to win the game by managing instead of winning the game on the field.
Astros in 6, by the way.

Michelle Wie Is a Cheater
Say what you will about Michael Bamberger and whether it was right of him to turn in Wie at last weekend's LPGA Tournament. What's lost in all the attention the Sports Illustrated writer is getting is the fact that Michelle Wie knowingly tried to cheat and got caught.
The Wie apologists in the media (and that's pretty much all of them) insist Wie made a mistake by taking a drop closer to the hole, but the video suggests otherwise. Wie's illegal drop gave her a slightly better angle to the hole. Had she dropped 12 inches back, as the rule allowed, she would have had to play a slight draw into the hole. By moving up a little, she was able to hit straight.
Think I'm being ridiculous? Consider this: On Friday Wie asked for, and received, a free drop out of deep trouble in the woods when she complained that a nearby beehive presented inherent danger. The rule official was disbelieving at first, but Wie said she didn't have to play a ball if there was any perceived danger. She got the drop. A few PGA players admitted they didn’t know the “inherent danger” rule until they heard about it this weekend.
For someone who knew the rulebook so well on Friday, Wie seemed awfully ignorant of it on Saturday.

Dennis Dodd Still Whining
Five days have passed since Notre Dame and USC played a classic in South Bend, but the supposedly impartial Dennis Dodd is still throwing cheap potshots towards the Trojans. In yesterday’s column he writes:

Best game: Do you have to ask? USC 34, Notre Dame 31.

The Bush Push (of Matt Leinart) will live forever.

Really Dennis? You’re still mad about the football equivalent of jaywalking? Why aren’t you focusing your anger on the fact that “The Bush Push” happened at all.
Maybe Notre Dame should have stopped USC on 4th and 8. Maybe they shouldn’t have made Reggie Bush look like he was playing against the J.V. level on NCAA 2006. Maybe the Irish should have wrapped Leinart up before his goal line spin. And maybe you, Dennis Dodd, should take a cue from Charlie Weis and handle last weekend’s loss with dignity. (How cool was Weis’ post-game speech in the USC locker room? Between that and running the dying boy’s play, Weis is managing to keep me from totally hating him. Dodd, on the other hand, is a different story.)
The Wolfman wrote Dodd his third e-mail today. This time, thankfully, he CC'd me:

The Bush Push, waaa waaaa, I love notre dame and I can't let it go. 1988 I saw my first game there, I love notre dame waaaaa, just shut up already. They lost and you're a columnist for cbs, not nbc. Stop someone on 4th and 9 and you don't have to worry about the bush push, USC made a play, Notre Dame could not. Weis said he wished his running back would do the same thing Bush did, but it if Notre Dame won like that you'd say it was divinely inspired. When is the last time you saw that called? Honestly, I want to know Dodd when was the last time you saw it called? I bet it hasn't been for years, if ever, so stop your bitching already.

Jeez, I'm just glad Dodd doesn't cover Packers games.

Jordan Admits Gambling “Stupidity”
In his new autobiography Michael Jordan admits he made some “stupid decisions” in regards to his gambling. Previous unauthorized Jordan tomes have suggested Jordan’s gambling problems were a little more serious than that. The real answer probably lies somewhere in between.
Authors looking to sell books might have exaggerated MJ’s gambling habits a bit, while Jordan would likely downplay them an equal amount. Either way, everyone agrees Jordan liked to gamble… A lot.
So, if that’s the case, what are the odds that Michael Jordan never bet on pro basketball? This is a guy who would put $10,000 bets down on half-court shots during practice and half-a-million on the golf course. How could he pass up wagering on the NBA, especially on himself? He was a sure thing, and if there’s one thing gamblers don’t pass up, it’s a sure thing.
I’m not saying he did, but for someone who was so fond of the action and competed in every aspect of life, it must have been hard not to pass up putting money on himself (and maybe against himself in those throw-away Finals games on the road when the Bulls would be up 3-1 and seemed to be going through the motions before winning the title at home in Chicago).
Maybe there are also some truth to the persistent rumors that Jordan’s first retirement wasn’t as much of a retirement as it was a forced vacation from David Stern. Some have suggested Jordan’s season-and-a-half sabbatical from the game was actually a form of suspension. Maybe it’s a crackpot theory, but nobody believed Watergate was a viable story for ten months either.
If I had to put money on it, I’d probably guess Michael Jordan didn’t bet on the NBA. But that’s far from a sure thing.

Ron Artest On Cover of Sports Illustrated and Penthouse
Artest becomes the first subject to achieve the historic double since Jake Plummer’s mustache pulled it off in April of 1974.

I Should Have Voted for Ray Patterson

I was planning on answering PTI's questions today but thanks to the Washington Suburban Sanitation Commission, I'm without cable and internet for the near future. I swear, if these clowns don't have things up and running by the time Freddie comes on at 8:30, there's going to be hell to pay.
And if you haven't already, do your part to bring back Jake Plummer's mustache.

The Chaz Rankings: Week 6

Bill Simmons and Jimmy Kimmel are apparently stealing my material. Now I know what Ziggy felt like. Because of this, today's Chaz Rankings will be sans commentary. Try lifting my stuff now guys!
(By the way, how awesome was Albert Pujols' homerun last night? If that facade wasn't in left field, it might still be in the air. How Lidge serves up that pitch (and walks Jim Edmonds) could be a question which haunts Astros fans for years.)

1) Indianapolis Colts (6-0, #1)
2) Denver Broncos (5-1, #4)
3) San Diego Chargers (3-3, #15)
4) Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2, #2)
5) Philadelphia Eagles (3-2, #7)
6) Jacksonville Jaguars (4-2, #8)
7) Cincinnati Bengals (5-1, #5)
8) Atlanta Falcons (4-2, #9)
9) Kansas City Chiefs (3-2, #12)
10) Washington Redskins (3-2, #6)
11) Dallas Cowboys (3-2, #10)
12) Carolina Panthers (4-2, #11)
13) New England Patriots (3-3, #3)
14) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-1, #16)
15) Seattle Seahawks (4-2, #14)
16) New York Giants (3-2, #13)
17) Buffalo Bills (3-3, #17)
18) St. Louis Rams (2-4, #20)
19) Tennessee Titans (2-4, #21)
20) Chicago Bears (2-3, #26)
21) New Orleans Saints (2-4, #28)
22) Miami Dolphins (2-3, #22)
23) New York Jets (2-4, #18)
24) Oakland Raiders (1-4, #19)
25) Detroit Lions (2-3, #25)
26) Baltimore Ravens (2-3, #31)
27) Cleveland Browns (2-3, #23)
28) Green Bay Packers (1-4, #24)
29) Arizona Cardinals (1-4, #29)
30) San Francisco 49ers (1-4, #30)
31) Minnesota Vikings (1-4, #27)
32) Houston Texans (0-5, #32)

Come back later for The Chaz Rankings: Week 6.

Monday Afternoon Cornerback

All season long, Washington Redskins defensive coordinator Gregg Williams has been banking on his defense performing well enough to make the benching of LaVar Arrington a moot point. Yesterday he lost that gamble.
After a day in which his linebacking corps was exposed as undersized and slow, Williams proved he no longer deserves the benefit of the doubt on the handling of The LaVar Situation.
Before yesterday, Williams' treatment of LaVar seemed to be a necessary evil that ultimately was in the team’s best interests. Now it just appears petty and motivated by machismo.
Why else wouldn't LaVar see any playing time yesterday? What's the harm in playing him in a 3rd and long situation where his only assignment is to rush the quarterback? The so-called “risk” of playing him is zero in those situations. Surely the 'Skins defensive coaches don't feel Warrick Holdman and Chris Clemons are better suited for that job?
Of course they don’t. Which is why yesterday’s game made it clear LaVar Arrington is being benched for personal reasons not performance ones.
The main reason Williams has given for LaVar's absence from every defensive scheme was the linebackers lack of discipline, a trait which leads to the former Pro Bowler missing assignments (a crippling flaw on a defense which relies on precision). Warrick Holdman, Williams insisted, was a better option. But Holdman's play was atrocious yesterday; he missed tackles and overran two plays, the very thing Redskins defensive coaches have ripped Arrington for doing.
Priest Holmes' totals further emphasize the point. The future Hall of Famer had 18 yards rushing on 14 carries, an indication of dominant play by the defensive line. The 100 yards Priest had via his five receptions, however, are proof of weak play by the linebackers. Holmes was stuffed at the line, but once he moved beyond it, he was able to run free. I’d love to hear Gregg Williams spin those stats during his weekly press conference this Thursday.
Williams has to know he’s no longer in a position to defend Arrington's benching. His defense, which kept the Redskins in their first three games, but has now helped lose the last two contests, is regressing. (They single-handedly blew the Denver game, but had some help from Rock Cartwright yesterday.) Nobody can doubt that LaVar Arrington, flaws and all, can help the unit in certain situations.
It’s now up to Gregg Williams. He can swallow his pride and slowly begin inserting LaVar Arrington into a few defensive sets, one at a time, to test whether Arrington can indeed be the player everyone in Washington expects him to be.
Or, in a continued attempt to show who’s the real boss of the Redskins defense, Williams can continue pounding his chest and flexing his muscle so everyone in the league will know exactly who to blame when the once-vaunted Washington defense is the reason the Redskins will again be watching the playoffs from home.

Sunday Thoughts
- One word came to mind when I saw Patriots offensive lineman Logan Mankins punch a defenseless Broncos player in the goods yesterday: Classy.
I wonder how Peter King will spin this one. Probably like Phil Simms did, which was to ignore it totally.

- I have no problem with A. Rod's mom making excuses for him. That's what moms do. But her contention that her son struggled in the playoffs because of a death in the family is nothing more than a weak justification for poor play. Here's why: While it's very sad Rodriguez had to experience a death in the family, and my sympathy goes out to him and his family, I suppose his uncle's death didn't begin affecting A. Rod until after the playoffs began, considering he went 4-5 with a double and homerun in his first game played after hearing about it.

Sunday Superlatives
Game of the Day: USC 34 – Notre Dame 31
Sportswriters are often prone to fits of hyperbole after witnessing a wonderful game. The terms “best ever”, “instant classic” and “game of the century” are tossed around more often than the word “genius” by some hack when describing other hacks like Jon Stewart and Bono.
But all the accolades that have been showered upon this game might just be fitting. USC/Notre Dame was an instant classic and, to me, was the best college football game I’ve ever witnessed.
Not everyone saw it that way however. Dennis Dodd (too bad I used the word hack earlier, because it’s a perfect description of this bespectacled, balding putz), a lifelong Notre Dame fan, wrote a column after the game blasting USC for making "the dumbest decision of this or any season," despite the fact that said “dumbest decision” ended up giving USC their 28th straight victory and set the stage for their 3rd straight National Championship. (Which they won't win; I don't know why, I just see USC losing before January. But I digress.)
I immediately sent the column to Irish-hater The Wolfman, who immediately sent Dodd two e-mails blasting him and his ridiculous bias. Sadly, The Wolfman didn’t save the