NFL Picks: Week 4

St. Louis at New York Giants
The Jets and Giants agreed yesterday to a 50-50 partnership in the financing and construction of a new $800 million stadium in the Meadowlands. It’s the first time in NFL history two teams have agreed to build and share a stadium. However, immediately after the announcement, Paul Tagliabue held a press conference in which he declared that the Jets might have to play two games a year at a high school field in Hoboken during weeks when the NFL frivolously decides to move a previously schedule Giants road game to the new stadium.
Pick: New York Giants

Detroit at Tampa Bay
Picking Detroit as my Team du Anee ranks alongside the Bay of Pigs invasion and Rocky V on the list of all-time worst ideas.
Pick: Tampa Bay

Buffalo vs. New Orleans (in San Antonio)
At what point do you think it dawned on Tom Benson that because of Hurricane Katrina he wouldn’t be able to fire the hilariously inept Jim Haslett after this season since it would be pretty low to can a coach operating in near impossible circumstances? I’m betting it was early on, around the same time I began thinking about how Katrina was going to adversely affect my fantasy team which has Aaron Brooks and Joe Horn in the starting lineup. And by early on, I mean approximately one-and-a-half seconds after I heard the hurricane was headed towards the Big Easy. Yes, I have my priorities straight.
Pick: Buffalo

San Diego at New England
After his game-tying homerun last night in the 8th (his 47th of the season, 20 of which have tied the game or put the Red Sox in the lead) and game-winning RBI in the 9th, David Ortiz clinched the A.L. MVP award.
After his on-field outburst towards the Steelers trainer last Sunday, Bill Belichick clinched the “Most Likely To Put A Waitress In Tears After Yelling At Her For Bringing Coke Instead Of Diet Coke” award.
Pick: San Diego

Indianapolis at Tennessee
Staying on baseball, some quick predictions for this weekend:
The Indians take two of three from the White Sox (who clinch home-field advantage with one win or a Yankees loss). All this talk about the White Sox tanking games in order to guarantee the Indians win the Wild Card, which would create a Chicago/Anaheim Divisional Playoff series, is absurd; why would Chicago want to face the team with the probable Cy Young award winner in their rotation when they could face a decimated Red Sox staff or an inexperienced Yankees one.
As for the Sox and Yanks… Who knows. This has been an unpredictable season for these two teams. After all, who could have guessed six months ago that Boston would be happy to see Randy Johnson and Mike Mussina in the final two games of the season and be thankful they don’t have to face Shawn Chacon and Aaron Small?
David Wells, tonight’s Red Sox starting pitcher, is always a question mark. He could throw seven scoreless or give up a six-spot before getting an out. I have a bad feeling his night will resemble the latter, meaning the Sox would be two down with two to play. Tim Wakefield, who’s carried the rotation over the past month with his 1.99 September ERA, should get another W tomorrow against Randy Johnson, thus setting up an essential final-day playoff against the Yankees (assuming the Indians win two of three).
The Sunday match-up pits two struggling aces, Curt Schilling and Mike Mussina. In a game that could resemble Game 3 of the 2005 ALCS, both starters get knocked around early and after comebacks by both teams, the Yankees pull it out late to win the A.L. East and end Boston's season.
Pick: Indianapolis

Denver at Jacksonville
Jake Plummer’s mustache spent a week in Jacksonville one night when it did nine Jager shots, beer bonged a six-pack of Bud Dry, got kicked out of two Waffle Houses, argued for the adoption of a national flax tax with a drunk businessman, hooked up with some nasty chick from Ohio State, got in a fistfight over the parmesan cheese shaker at a 24-hour pizza joint and was arrested on a public indecency charge for which it paid a $50 fine and agreed never to return to the Florida city again, which must explain why Jake Plummer shaved the ‘stache prior to returning to Jacksonville for this week’s game.
Pick: Jacksonville

Houston at Cincinnati
This is the most compelling quarterback match-up between back-to-back number one overall picks since King Hill and Randy Duncan squared off in 1962.
Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle at Washington
To prepare for facing the team that cut his younger brother, Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck watched Die Hard: With A Vengeance to see how Simon Gruber toyed with John McClane, who had killed Gruber's younger brother in Die Hard.
(That was all a set-up to tell the following story: A few weeks ago I explained me and my roomate Falkow's ill-fated attempt to acquire DirecTV in our junior year of college, which eventually led to us spending $200 to send the equipment back after we figured out we couldn't pour concrete or angle the dish correctly ourselves. On our way out the door to go to the UPS Store, we had the following exchange:
Me - Yo, did you make sure everything was packed up in the boxes?
Falkow - Die Hard 3?
Pick: Washington

New York Jets at Baltimore
Inspired by the performance Jake Plummer coaxed out of his breathtaking mustache, Kyle Boller will attempt to grow a ‘70s porn ‘stache of his own. Upon realizing he can’t grow facial hair, Boller will instead buy the first season of Magnum P.I. on DVD.
Pick: Baltimore

Dallas at Oakland
The over/under for this game is 17. Not for total points; for the number of facelifts Jerry Jones and Al Davis have had combined.
Pick: Oakland

Minnesota at Atlanta
Falcons receivers have a combined 20 catches this season, less than the total for seven NFL players including Darrell Jackson and Deion Branch. It’s funny. You would think that playing on the same team as Ron Mexico, those guys would be able to catch something.
Pick: Atlanta

Philadelphia at Kansas City
Next week Donovan McNabb will have 17 various ailments listed in the injury report, including milk fever, quinsy, hip gout, the shakes, lockjaw, grippe, dropsy, rickets and the plague.
Pick: Kansas City

San Francisco vs. Arizona (in Mexico City)
After initially trying to move this game to New York and having both teams play a double round-robin with the Giants, Paul Tagliabue settled on putting the contest in Mexico City in a duel attempt to globalize the NFL and set a world record for most bored Mexicans in a single location.
Pick: San Francisco

Last Week: 10-4
Season: 28-18

Thursday Thoughts

- Donovan McNabb might be tough for playing through his myriad of injuries, but his toughness quotient is lessened dramatically by the fact that he’s been talking non-stop about how tough he is for playing through his myriad of injuries.
This leads to a philosophical question (which isn’t good for me considering I got a C+ in Philosophy 101 in college): Can an athlete playing through an injury be considered tough if he spends all his free time discussing said injury?
It’s an answer that isn’t as obvious as you would think. (And I was lying, I actually got a C in Philosophy. C+’s were reserved for my good subjects, like ethics.)
On one hand, McNabb has to be tough. Assuming his injuries are real, a bruised sternum, sports hernia and shin contusion are difficult things to run around with. (What, no scurvy?)
On the other hand, a real man would suck it up and play without talking about how great he is for playing hurt. (And let the e-mails from Eagles fans commence. Although before you start typing angrily, Falkow and Alt, let me finish. I’ll be adding more fuel to your fire any minute now.)
So which is it? Clearly McNabb can’t be tough, or he wouldn’t talk about his toughness that much, so clearly I cannot choose the wine in front of you. But McNabb bested the Raiders on a bruised sternum, which means he’s tough, so clearly I cannot choose the wine in front of me.
The answer lies somewhere in between. I’m sure most quarterbacks in the NFL would play through McNabb’s pain, particularly QB’s who are the face of their franchise. And most of those would choose not to discuss their injuries in-depth at a midweek press conference, instead responding to the queries with a “no comment” or something along those lines. Steve McNair has been doing this for years. Last year Mark Brunell did it even though he was the worst QB in the league and disclosing his injured hamstring would have almost excused his miserable play. Donovan, on the other hand, seems to welcome these questions in the locker room and podium and answers them like a guy who tries to deflect praise while begging for it all at the same time.
But even with his self-important attitude, McNabb still has to get credit for playing through the pain… Up until a point. If McNabb tries to be too heroic and hurts his team because he’s trying to play the hero (like in the Super Bowl), his toughness turns into selfishness. Don’t forget, when McNabb went down late in the 2002 season Koy Detmer and A.J. Feeley led the Eagles to a 5-1 mark, with the lone loss coming in the meaningless regular season finale against the Giants.
If Donovan chooses not to play and go ahead with the surgery, he can’t be criticized because only he can know how his injuries will affect his game. But he has chosen not to do that, instead opting to play with the pain and disclose exactly where his injuries are, leaving himself open to vicious shots by opposing defenses who have every right to legally nail McNabb every time he throws the ball.
And that’s why McNabb’s big head (literally and figuratively) is bad for him and the Eagles. The old war mantra used to be “don’t let them see the whites of your eyes”. For McNabb it should be “don’t let them see you wince because of your sports hernia.”

- For the second straight week, the classy reputation the New England Patriots have enjoyed during their Super Bowl run has been exposed as a fraud.
First, Mike Vrabel taunted Panthers fans with the football after an interception return for a touchdown. Now Bill Belichick’s mean-spirited and hypocritical attitude is coming to light.
For those that haven’t heard, a brief summary: According to numerous sources, after Pats o-lineman Matt Light went down with a leg injury Sunday, the Steelers team trainer John Norwig, as is customary, ran onto the field to assist in aiding the injured player. When Belichick arrived, he saw Norwig and screamed, “get away from my m****f****** player.” Norwig obliged. Then, a few minutes later when it was clear Light was seriously hurt, the Patriots staff asked the Steelers trainers for a protective cast and crutches for Light to use.
Now, we all know that Belichick likes to keep his injury reports as secret as possible, despite league rules which state otherwise. But his on-field antics took things a bit too far. One of Belichick’s players was clearly hurt. At that point, Norwig was on the scene to give the Pats trainers any help if they requested it. There were no sinister motives there. This wasn’t a USA/USSR basketball game from the Cold War era. Anything the Steelers wanted to find out they could hear from Bonnie Bernstein’s halftime report. Norwig was just trying to help.
Belichick is just a big jerk, and that’s the only explanation for this. I have no problem with Belichick being a huge jerk either, that’s his prerogative. He’s a damn good coach and doesn’t need to have people skills. I just can’t stand how everyone deifies Belichick and acts as if his coaching ability means he’s a wonderful human being.
One more thing: If I were John Norwig I would have listened to the Pats request for crutches and a cast, nodded, gone to get the crutches, held them out for the New England trainer to grab, then at the last second snapped them over my knees, Bo Jackson-style, after which I would thrown the broken shards at the trainer and said, “tell Belichick to shove it up his ass.”

- Kudos to Jimmy Rollins and his 32 game hit streak. It’s not that I particularly care about him or the Phillies, I’m just pleased because Rollins late-season streak has finally answered a question I’ve had for years: Do hit streaks carry over into the next season? I’ve always wondered about this. If a streak didn’t carry over, it meant that a player would only have until the season’s 106th game to begin a run at DiMaggio’s hitting streak. That seemed a little unfair, kind of like when the tasters on Iron Chef get to see which dishes were cooked by the Iron Chef and which were done by the challenger. It seems to me that the tasters would have an inherent bias in favor of the Iron Chef and would automatically assume his food is better. I think this, in part, explains why the Iron Chef’s win so often. But I digress.
Thanks to Rollins hit streak, I found out that hit streaks do indeed carry over from season to season, so if the Phillies shortstop should continue his run through the end of this year, he’ll be sitting on a 36-game hit streak on opening day 2006, on which he’ll promptly go 0-5 and ruin everyone’s fun. (Prediction: Rollins doesn’t make it to the end of this season.)

- Waxhaw legend C. Scott Spencer wants to know if I’ve ever seen a more ridiculous team name than the moniker of the ABA’s new Charlotte-based squad, the Krunk.
The answer is, of course, no. And I agree, the 15-foot wide basketball-playing boombox has to be the greatest mascot since the Phoenix Suns gorilla, although if the team had instead gone with a Lil’ Penny version of Lil’ Jon as their mascot, I think I would have moved to Charlotte, crashed at Scott's place with his roommates D-Balls and Buttass and become a Krunk season-ticket holder.
And up until I spent 15 minutes looking around the Krunk’s Web site, I assumed the greatest name for a sports owner was that of the Vikings Zygi Wilf, who sounds as if he should have been starring on Laugh-In 40 years ago. But then the Krunk’s site informed me that their owner is named Duane “Spyder” Hughes. Imagine my surprise; I thought Joe Pesci killed him in the middle of Goodfellas.

- If you haven't already help Bring Back Jake Plummer's Mustache. If not for you, then for your children and your children's children and your children's children's children who might grow up in a mustache-less world and, thus, will never know the true meaning of happiness.

The Bitch Is Back

The following lead appeared in an Associated Press wire story yesterday:

Despite objections from Martha Burk, NBC said it was going ahead with plans to air an NHL commercial showing a bare-chested player being dressed by a scantily clad woman.

Ummmmmmmm………….. so?
What, every time Martha Burk doesn’t like something the AP feels the need to report it? I realize the MSM loves to pick its causes, but Martha Burk has had her 15 minutes and she used them to fall flat on her face and tarnish her name.
Burk, you may remember (or not, if you’re lucky), hijacked headlines a few years back with her an inane, baseless boycott of the Masters because of Augusta National’s refusal to admit women as members. The New York Times adopted Burk as a cause celebre during that time, devoting countless inches to her protest and even censoring their Pulitzer Prize winning sports columnist when he dared criticize the newspaper’s editorial department for siding with Burk’s ridiculous demand that Tiger Woods join her in boycotting the nation’s most prestigious golf tournament.
This non-story managed to stay in the news for three months prior to the 2003 Masters, but when the press outnumbered the protesters at Burk’s much-heralded protest in Augusta during Masters week (only 50 people showed up, despite endless media coverage beforehand), it was clear that the only people in the country who cared about Martha Burk were sports editors and talk-show hosts.
In a column written for a journalism class at Wake Forest in February of ’03, I concluded:

The cause of women’s rights will not be advanced if Martha Burk gets her way. And the Magnolia trees will not perish at Augusta National Golf Club if they admit a woman member. Eventually, this controversy will pass and nobody will quite remember why it was such a big deal in the first place.

That pretty much happened, which is why it’s amazing that after all the unfulfilled hype, Burk is back in the news again. She’s like Joey Buttafucco (minus the Jersey-hair); just when you think you’ll never hear from her again, there she is spouting off piffle about injustice and sexism.
This time around, Burk called the aforementioned NHL ad “tasteless” and demanded it be taken off the air. (Since she went to the trouble, why didn’t Burk just go for the gusto by demanding that the NHL not suck. Now there’s a protest I could get on board with. But I digress.)
How is this news? I don’t like veal, is this newsworthy?
Of course not, and neither should Burk’s disapproval of an NHL ad nobody would have seen anyway. Would an AP editor print a story with a lead like this:

Despite objections from my mom, NFL receivers are going ahead with plans to dance in the endzone after scoring touchdowns this weekend.

Of course not, because somebody will always disagree with something somebody else is doing. You can’t please everyone and should never try to.
Martha Burk is an irrational old coot and should be treated as such. Just because she misses the limelight doesn’t mean the Associated Press should shine it on her.

- Being both a fan of the Red Sox and a human with a functioning soul, I clearly want Boston to win the A.L. East and the Yankees to miss the playoffs altogether.
If that shouldn’t happen, I would clearly take the Yanks winning the East and the Sox slipping into the Wild Card, a position from which they won the World Series last year.
However, part of me wants to see Cleveland run the table and put the Wild Card out of reach so the Yankees-Red Sox series this weekend will have actual meaning.
This morning, the Sox, Yanks and Indians have identical 92-65 records. Barring a Chicago collapse (which I suppose has already happened – but I expect them to hold on), two of those three teams (BOS, CLE and NYY) will make the playoffs.
If the Indians slip-up and lose a few games, the NY-Boston weekend series will have little meaning because both teams will make the playoffs regardless of any outcome other than a sweep. But if Cleveland should win a few, the three final games between the Sox and Yanks will be the one of the most important regular season series in decades.
I hated the Wild Card when it was introduced in 1994, but have grown to appreciate it. The extra playoff spot creates drama in September when there would often be none. If there was no Wild Card in the N.L. this year, the last two months would have been a snore. With the Wild Card, the race was exciting up until the season’s final week.
In the A.L., however, this was one of the rare years when the Wild Card is actually harming the pennant race. If the Red Sox and Yankees were dueling down the stretch with the guarantee that only one of them would enter the postseason, the action would be riveting. But with the possibility of both teams making it, there seems to be less urgency. (The same holds true in the Central, when Cleveland’s furious comeback would have added meaning without a Wild Card slot still open. (And yes, I realize Cleveland would be in the A.L. East under the old alignment, but going into that would take far too much thinking and time.))
Like I said, I don’t care how the Red Sox make the playoffs as long as they do. (They won’t be in it long anyways.) But the baseball purist in me would like to see a winner-take-all series this weekend between Boston and New York where one team wins the A.L. East and the other goes home.

- Ten rapid-fire thoughts on the Braves’ 14th consecutive division title: 1) Bobby Cox is the most underrated manager/coach in sports.
2) No pitching coach or batting coach has ever made the Hall of Fame. Leo Mazzone should be the first.
3) The Astros will give Atlanta fits in their Divisional Series match-up.
4) Only 25,000 fans showed up to watch the Braves clinch their 14th straight title. That’s simply pathetic. Atlanta fans are the worst in all of sports and don’t deserve the Braves, Michael Vick or the knowledge that their city once hosted an Olympics.
5) Andruw Jones is hitting .217 in the month of September.
6) The Braves bullpen will be the reason they won’t make it out of the first round for the 4th straight year.
7) The following players were on the Braves in 1991, the first year of their historic title run: Vinny Castilla, John Smoltz, Steve Avery, Brian Hunter, Lonnie Smith, Sid Bream, Otis Nixon, Ron Gant and, of course, Deion Sanders.
8) Atlanta is 12-12 in playoff series during their 13 straight postseason appearances.
9) The Yankees are 17-6 during their ten consecutive trips to the playoffs (but are just 3-4 since the 2001 World Series).
10) Helping to bring back Jake Plummer’s mustache is the only way the Braves can win the 2005 World Series. Do your part by signing this petition. And tell your friends. Together we can make a difference.


Bring Back Jake Plummer's Mustache!

An Impassioned Plea; The Chaz Rankings: Week 3

Before we get to The Chaz Rankings: Week 3, I beg for a minute of your time.
I try not to bring up serious issues on this blog. If you wanted seriousness, you'd read CNN or The Onion. But every now and then something important takes place in the world and I would be remiss to ignore it.
I bring this up because a tragic event occurred yesterday; an event so earth-shattering it threatens the very core of our being. For, you see, Jake Plummer has shaved his mustache.
Take a minute or two or forty, if you need it. Lord knows I have. I've been trying to remember the happy times in between my tears. A time when Jake Plummer's mustache represented a beacon of hope, a ray of light in a dark tunnel and also made him look like an extra in Midnight Cowboy.
To add insult to crippling injury, Plummer de-stached at the most inopportune time (not that a Plummer 'stache-shave could ever have been opportune). His wonderful, bewhiskered creation should have had its moment of glory last night on Monday Night Football, but there was Jake's upper-lip, all unshaven during his video introduction like a prepubescent boy's.
Since that video was shot, however, Plummer apparently grew back his beard, but with the chin hair and cheek hair in effect, the essence of the mustache was lost. It'd be like if Tom Selleck grew a goatee.
The lack of mustache didn't seem to hurt Plummer's play, he had his best game in a Broncos uniform last night. But the lack of mustache did hurt Plummer's, and our, soul.
Suddenly the sky seemed a little darker, the wind grew a little brisker, the sound of children playing became unsettling and I felt restless and adrift.
Yesterday we woke up in a world where Jake Plummer had the most unbelievable mustache in the history of mankind. Today we woke up with our innocence lost.
So, in a moment of rare political activism, I have started a petition. A petition to restore honor and glory to America. A petition to make people feel good about themselves again. A petition to change the world. A petition, my friends, to bring back Jake Plummer's mustache.
If you are as serious about this as I am, please sign said petition and get as many people as you possible can to do the same. Together we can make a difference.

Bring Back Jake Plummer's Mustache!

Without Jake Plummer's mustache to keep us safe at night, The Chaz Rankings seem almost inconsequential. However, we must try to move on, no matter how difficult that might seem. It is in these trying times that I'm reminded of the words of Percy Shelley who wrote, "fear not for the future, weep not for the past."
Onto the rankings:

1) Indianapolis Colts (30, (Last week: #2)
2) New England Patriots (21, #4)
3) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (30, #5)
4) Pittsburgh Steelers (21, #1)
5) Philadelphia Eagles (21, #7)
6) Cincinnati Bengals (30, #8)
7) Jacksonville Jaguars (21, #9)
8) Miami Dolphins (21, #23)
9) Denver Broncos (11, #13)
10) San Diego Chargers (12, #15)
11) Kansas City Chiefs (20, #3)
12) Atlanta Falcons (21, #10)
13) Washington Redskins (20, #12)
14) St. Louis Rams (21, #19)
15) Seattle Seahawks (21, #20)
16) Dallas Cowboys (21, #16)
17) Carolina Panthers (12, #6)
18) New York Giants (21, #14)
19) Buffalo Bills (12, #18)
20) Minnesota Vikings (12, #30)
21) Tennessee Titans (12, #22)
22) New York Jets (12, #21)
23) Chicago Bears (12, #17)
24) Detroit Lions (11, #26)
25) Oakland Raiders (03, #24)
26) New Orleans Saints (12, #11)
27) San Francisco 49ers (12, #27)
28) Cleveland Browns (12, #25)
29) Green Bay Packers (03, #28)
30) Houston Texans (02, #31)
31) Baltimore Ravens (02, #32)
32) Arizona Cardinals (03, #29)

Monday Afternoon Cornerback

This morning, Andy Reid and the Philadelphia Eagles should thank their thank their lucky stars, rub their rabbit’s feet, change out of their special drawers or do whatever it is they do for luck, because in a league where one game is often the difference between home-field advantage, a first-round bye or road Wild Card game, the Eagles escaped yesterday with a fortuitous win in a game that had no business being as close as it ended up.
Hobbled kicker David Akers is getting much of the credit today, and rightly so. His two second half extra points and late field goal, both kicked after he had initially left the game due to a badly strained hamstring, won the game for the Eagles. Akers came through in the clutch, played through injury and helped his team to a huge victory. Of this, there is no debate.
But lost in all the praise for Akers is one unanswered question: Why, in the name of Tom Selleck’s mustache, was David Akers the only kicker on the Eagles roster yesterday?
Akers hurt his hamstring during last week’s game; it was so bad that linebacker Mark Simoneau had to kick an extra point. As anyone who has had a problem with their hamstring knows, there’s not much you can do about it except apply some ice, do some stretching and wait for it to get better. Redskins kicker John Hall has been battling two strained hammies for the better part of a year.
But Andy Reid decided that Akers was healthy enough to play, despite his ticking time-bomb of a hamstring. After making a long field goal in warm-ups yesterday, Akers hammy predictably exploded and after a comedy of errors on the opening kickoff forced him to kick twice, Akers had to come out of the game, writhing with pain so intense it brought him to man-tears.
With linebacker Simoneau handling the extra points and tight end Mike Bartrum on kickoff duty, the Eagles, to put it delicately, struggled. Simeoneau’s extra point didn’t cross the line of scrimmage and Bartum’s kickoffs gave Oakland great field position all day. Fortunately for Eagles fans, Akers was able to come back in late and made three big kicks. If he wasn’t available, the Eagles would likely be 1-2 right now and the loss would fall squarely on Andy Reid’s shoulders.
How can you possibly go into a game with Akers as your only kicker? What, did Reid think Akers would pop a few Tylenol and be good to go? And even if he did think that, you have to have an insurance policy just in case.
This wasn’t a case of toughing out an injury, like Donovan McNabb is allegedly doing right now. A kicker’s hamstring is like a quarterback’s arm or running back’s knees. If hurt, there’s not much you can do. Just ask Chad Pennington. Akers hamstring was tweaked and simple logic indicated it would probably happen again. Even if Akers kicked well in practice all week, as has been reported, he likely was holding back just a little, something he couldn’t (and wouldn’t) do during a game.
Reid said he didn’t bring in a backup for Akers because he didn’t want two kickers on the roster. Clearly no coach wants two kickers on the roster, but in certain situations you have no choice.
It’s possible Reid thought Akers was healthy and didn’t think his hamstring would be a problem. But that’s not likely. Andy Reid is a great coach and has been around football far too long to know how delicate hamstring injuries are. Instead, I think Reid was just being old school by treating the kicking game like a necessary evil and not respecting its importance to a football team’s fortunes, just like the Cowboys used to do back in their recent heyday.
Football guys like Reid don’t respect kickers. They don’t respect them as players, don’t want the game to come down to their foot and would rather the position not exist at all. Andy Reid didn’t want two kickers on his roster because he didn’t want two non-players on his roster.
I understand why players wouldn’t consider a kicker to be a “real” player. During practices they stand around, flirting with the local newsgirls and bouncing the ball on their feet while their teammates bleed and sweat in contact drills. But it is unbelievably obtuse to not recognize the importance of kickers.
You would think that after Adam Vinatieri’s exploits over the last four seasons and the tremendous amount of close games decided by field goals every week this sort of bias would have disappeared by now, but it hasn’t. And yesterday it almost cost Andy Reid and the Eagles a crucial early season game.

Sunday Thoughts
- Maybe somebody should give this guy’s number to Andy Reid.

- Note to Herm Edwards: When your quarterback’s throws start looking like Tim Wakefield’s knuckleballs, it’s time to replace him.

- In Pulp Fiction, The Wolf (not to be confused with The Wolfman) uttered a classic line about the importance of not getting too excited too soon (which cannot be repeated on this family Web site.) In PG-rated terms, The Wolf said, “Let’s not start [patting each other on the backs] just yet.”
Everyone on the Bengals bandwagon needs to remember this. I’m not saying the Bengals aren’t good, because they clearly have been. But it’s important to consider that the Bengals 3-0 record has come at the hands of Cleveland (1-2), Minnesota (1-2) and Chicago (1-2) on days when the quarterbacks of those respective teams brought their F-games.
Before you say, “but don’t you think they brought their F-game because the Cincy defense brought their A-game,” go and watch the highlights of the Vikes and Bears games. On each of their 10 interceptions, Daunte Culpepper and Kyle Orton looked like they were throwing to the Bengals secondary. I’ve never seen anything like it.
The Bengals are a good team with solid units on both sides of the ball. But wait until at leastweek 5 against Jacksonville before we declare them the best team in the NFL (as ESPN’s increasingly ridiculous “Daily Quickie” did today).

- Forget Rookie of the Year, at this very early point in the season, Cadillac Williams is the NFL MVP. The advertising executives over at GM must be drooling.

Sunday Superlatives
Game of the Day: New England 23 – Pittsburgh 20
I’m man enough to say when I’m wrong. So, let me say, I’ve been wrong: Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL.
But I still have an ego to coax, so I’ll boost my spirits by reminding you that I did pick the Pats to “upset” the Steelers in Pittsburgh.

Upset of the Day: Miami 27 – Carolina 20 (OT)
L.L. Cool J once said, “don’t call it a comeback.” I would assume every Dolphins player would say, “don’t call it an upset,” in regards to this game, but there were few surprises this week (thanks to San Fran’s collapse against Dallas), so this one gets this distinction.
Miami is for real and if Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams can run well, Miami will contend for a playoff spot.

Player of the Day: Cadillac Williams, RB, Tampa Bay
With Brett Favre aching to get back in the game to throw another crippling interception during the 4th quarter yesterday, Cadillac was moving the chains for Tampa and never let the Packers back on the field. He is the truth.
And this would have been a more appropriate comment for last week, before Ronnie Brown had a big day against Carolina, but Cadillac’s historic three-game run should once again remind teams that the only thing that matters when evaluating a college player is what they did on the field, not what they can do in mesh shorts at the combine. Darren Sproles is proving this point in San Diego, as well.

Ryan Leaf Line of the Day: Kyle Orton, QB, Chicago – 17/39, 149 yds, 5 INT
When the Bengals face-off against Green Bay later next month, Brett Favre could have the first ten interception day in NFL history.

Faulk Fantasy Player of Day: LaDainian Tomlinson, RB, San Diego – 192 rush yds, 3 TD, 28 rec yds, 26 pass yds, 1 TD – 44 fantasy points
With Dainie going nuts to the tune of 44 fantasy points and Shaun Alexander chipping in with 38 of his own, the consensus top two fantasy players lived up to their billing on Sunday.

Boldin Fantasy Player of Day: Brandon Lloyd, WR, San Francisco – 142 rec yds, 2 TD – 30 fantasy points
It’s worth repeating: Anytime a receiver on your roster plays against Roy Williams and the Cowboys secondary, they are a must start. In each of the past two weeks, the highest scoring fantasy receiver played against Dallas (Santana Moss did so last week).

Fantasy Bust of Day: Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis – 228 pass yds, 1 INT – 9 fantasy points
The top consensus quarterback, however, continues to struggle. But as long as Indianapolis keeps winning, the only people who will be upset about that are Manning fantasy owners.

Announcer Line of the Week
“Is there anything Eli Manning can’t do?”
- Paul McGuire, after Eli Manning completed a routine throw after stepping-up in the pocket to avoid the rush.
Is there anything Eli can’t do, Paul? Well, for starters, how about beating the Chargers? As LaDainian Tomlinson was running all over the Giants defense, the morons on ESPN couldn’t stop talking about how amazing Eli Manning was playing, despite the fact that his team was down by 22 points. Granted, Eli played well, but his team was nearly doubled-up by San Diego! Stop with the Eli love-fest and call the game.
Man, those guys are terrible. (The MSM is starting to notice this as well – Dap to JRod for sending the link.) The impending loss of NFL Primetime is a crushing blow to football fans nationwide, but we can all take a little comfort in the fact that we’ll no longer have to hear Paul McGuire and Joe Thiesmann on Sunday nights. (Hopefully we’ll never have to hear McGuire again, but we’re stuck with Joe on Monday nights next year.)

Predictions
After last week’s debacle, I came back with a solid 9-4 Sunday. My faith in the Bears and J.P. Losman blinded me; I won’t be picking Buffalo or Chicago again for a while.

Injuries
The Bills playoff chances took a huge hit this afternoon when linebacker Takeo Spikes was discovered to have a torn Achilles tendon, sidelining him for the year. For the already-struggling Bills defense to lose their best player is a devastating blow.
Rodney Harrison and Matt Light were injured for the Patriots who, according to Phil Simms, are the only team in the NFL to ever suffer from player injuries. The Light injury is far more alarming for the Pats; he anchors the New England O-line, while Harrison is just another cog in the team’s defense. If he is out for a while, Harrison’s importance will be immensely overstated, probably by Phil Simms.
Jay Fiedler got hurt filling-in for Chad Pennington and is out for next week’s game. Chad Pennington should be, the Jags could have called for a fair catch on his final interception. Pennington looks absolutely terrible, his shoulder surgery clearly hasn’t healed (or helped). The Jets are in serious trouble as a result.

The Chaz Rankings: Top Two
1) Indianapolis Colts - Colts are still on track to be undefeated headed into their Monday night showdown with New England on November 7.
2) New England Patriots - No back-to-back losses since 2002 is one of the more impressive stats I’ve seen in a long while.

Who I Like Monday Night and I Certainly Don’t Mean Mike Shanahan
The Broncos are 24-9 at Invesco Field since it opened in 2001 and just 14-19 on the road during the same stretch. And, Kansas City has never won in the Denver’s new stadium. And, Jake Plummer has a mustache so amazing it, and it alone, could lead to the end of world hunger.
So while I think KC is the class of a very good AFC West, these three factors will lead to Denver knocking them off tonight in a 30-28 thriller.

NFL Picks: Week 3

Cleveland at Indianapolis
Trent Dilfer is ahead of Peyton Manning in every major passing category. In other news, Bill Clinton has won more Grammy awards than Elvis, The Beach Boys, Led Zeppelin, Queen, Bob Marley, Diana Ross & The Supremes, Jimi Hendrix, The Grateful Dead, Neil Young, The Doors, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Guns N’ Roses, Sam Cooke, The Jackson 5 and Bing Crosby combined.
Pick: Indianapolis

Tampa Bay at Green Bay
Many commentators incorrectly refer to this match-up as “The Battle of the Bays”, ignorant of the fact that 30 years ago the real such battle occurred and ended with the Bay City Rollers decisively knocking out the Hudson’s Bay Company after a tour-de-force performance of “You Made Me Believe In Magic”.
Pick: Green Bay

Cincinnati at Chicago
If Kyle Orton should win again Sunday, don’t be surprised if by Monday he’s in the studio remaking “The Super Bowl Shuffle” with Jim McMahon, Otis Wilson, Steve Fuller and Puffy with a single to be entitled “Da’ Shuffle (We Ain’t Here 2006 – Take That, Take That, Take That)”
Pick: Chicago

Atlanta at Buffalo
Expect Michael Vick to be booed loudly in this contest, not because he’s an opposing QB in Buffalo but because he chose the pseudonym Ron Mexico instead of honoring our neighbor to the north by going with Jacque Canada.
Pick: Buffalo

Tennessee at St. Louis
Mike Martz’s new gameplan includes punting every other second down, you know, just for the hell of it.
Pick: St. Louis

Oakland at Philadelphia
Andy Reid should really consider putting Terrell Owens in on defense to cover Randy Moss.
1) This would be awesome.
2) It's not like Lito Sheppard is going to do any better. Wait, I'm sorry. Pro Bowler Lito Sheppard, which has the same ring to it as "Sir Sidney Ponson".
Pick: Philadelphia

Jacksonville at New York Jets
The only way I could love Byron Leftwich more than I already do is if it's revealed that he sings back-up on The Fugees awesome new single, "Take It Easy".
Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans at Minnesota
This should make the Saints feel better about playing their “home opener” in Giants Stadium: Because of the threat of Hurricane Rita, Paul Tagliabue announced early today that the Houston Texans remaining home games would be played on a sandlot field in Washington Heights.
Pick: Minnesota

Carolina at Miami
These will be my last statements on this Daily Show nonsense:
1) If you honestly believe Jon Stewart has “no political agenda”, go back and watch his softball interview with John Kerry from last year. Then watch the interview Stewart did with Christopher Hitchens earlier this year when the British writer was mocked by Stewart for his stance on the war in Iraq. No agenda? Now who’s being naïve, Marge?
2) The reason I hate Stewart is because he hides behind the news-satire format of his show and acts as if he’s actually impartial, when any idiot watching can determine he’s not. This is why I can’t watch Fox News or read The Los Angeles Times, but enjoy Bill Maher’s HBO show and have The Weekly Standard bookmarked. At least they embrace their views instead of disingenuously suggesting they have none.
3) Don’t watch The Daily Show you say? Don’t worry, nobody does. It’s highest viewership was last October after the first Presidential debate. Almost 2.4 million people were tuned into Stewart’s show that night, which is more than 2 million less than a normal telecast of the WWE gets on Spike TV. And remember, this was The Daily Show’s highest rating in its history. Normally they get about 1.9 million viewers per night, about half the audience that tunes into Law and Order reruns on TNT. For something that is as highly hyped as The Daily Show, there’s sure not a whole lot of people watching.
4) Anybody who leaves provocative statements in the comments section yet chooses to remain anonymous is a feeble-minded coward. And the fact that you, anonymous, choose to call people ignorant when they disagree with you is exactly what is wrong with you and those of your ilk. You act intellectually superior to those around you, yet your refusal to debate is indicative of your inability to have any opinion that wasn’t fed to you by a guy who once played the “Enhancement Smoker” in Half-Baked.
I’m done with you now.
Pick: Carolina

Arizona at Seattle
Besides the rain, bevy of Starbucks, Microsoft and fact that because of a home Seahawks game being broadcast on the network without the 4:00 national TV game this weekend people in Seattle won’t see the Pats-Steelers tilt this weekend, I’m sure Seattle is a wonderful place to live.
Pick: Seattle

Dallas at San Francisco
When Mike Rumph and Roy Williams square-off, there is only one winner: Society. Oh, and anyone who has Brandon Lloyd or Terry Glenn on their fantasy teams.
Pick: Dallas

New England at Pittsburgh
I’m going to regret this pick on so many levels come Sunday night.
Pick: New England

New York Giants at San Diego
Stuck with this game in San Diego despite his repeated attempts to move it to New York, Paul Tagliabue will import Ray’s Pizza, Famous Ray’s Pizza, Famous Original Ray’s Pizza, Original Ray’s Pizza, Ray’s Famous Original Pizza and the urine smell from the New York City subway system in order to give the Giants as much of a home-field advantage as possible.
Pick: San Diego

Last Week: 7-9
Season: 18-14

Ten Quick Thoughts

1) With their final seven games at home, the Boston Red Sox are by no means out of the A.L. East race, even though it seems that way after last night's Timlin-induced debacle.

2) Nice of the guys on Inside the NFL to take a controversial stand by ripping the league for moving the Saints game to New York three days after the game was played. Where was that outrage last week when it might have mattered? Next thing you know they'll be telling us that the Chargers really fouled up when they drafted Ryan Leaf.

3) It says a lot about Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb's relationship when the best picture Sports Illustrated could get for their cover was one where Donovan looks had an accident in his pants and is attempting to cover it up with his throwing arm.

4) You know how Dan Marino, Cris Collinsworth and, especially, Cris Carter always make fun of Bob Costas on Inside the NFL because he never played football? I bet Costas is just biding his time waiting for the perfect time to unleash the "I might never have played, but I have the same number of Super Bowl rings as all of you" comeback.

5) Staying on that tangent, do you think if I changed my name to Cris I could get a job with Inside the NFL?

6) Come to think of it, they should just fire Marino and hire Cris Dishman so they can brag about having every single Cris who ever played football on their panel.

7) Since Jon Stewart's so smart, why wasn't he down in New Orleans fixing the levees and coordinating emergency plans years ago?

8) Shaving with the Mach3 Power just isn't the same since Gillette announced plans for their 5 blade Fusion. Hmm, maybe I'll grow a mustache until The Fusion is released.

9) Q: What do Michelle Wie and the New York Yankees have in common?
A: You mean besides empty, unfulfilled hype and the inability to win anything of consequence so far this millennium?

10) OK, if he didn't micturate upon himself, then somebody needs to introduce Donovan to the wonder that is Gold Bond Medicated Powder.

Comments

The Week 2 Chaz Rankings inspired much discussion in the comments section of Chris's Sports Blog, almost 5% of which had to do with the actual Chaz Rankings. Since much of the banter has been amusing and informative (and not because it's getting late in the afternoon and my back hurts, thanks to my physical therapist who got her degree from the de Sade School of Rehabilitation, and the blog equivalent of a sitcom clip-show seems like the best way to get a post in today), I'm pasting yesterday's comments below.
I'll understand if you stop reading here and get back to work. Except you Antzo, I know you have nothing better to do.

Bombadil said...

Couldn't think of anything else for the Bears than to hark back to last year? Either way, I am happy to see them crack the top 20 on somebody's board.

9:03 PM, Tuesday

Anonymous said...

Just so we're all on the same page, Kyle Boller got injured in the first half of week 1 and hasn't played since.

4:02 PM, Tuesday

Chris said...

I don't understand the last comment. I'm not saying that Kyle Boller is a woman because he's injured, I'm saying Kyle Boller is a woman because he throws like one.

Sorry Bombadil, I was trying to finish up for the day and The Mighty Quinn was as easy as they come.
I've also added you to my blog roll. Keep up the good work.

4:17 PM, Tuesday

Chris said...

Actually, I'm being a little harsh with my Boller comment. Plenty of women throw better than Kyle Boller.

4:20 PM, Tuesday

Anonymous said...

can you link to the dylan list?

4:56 PM, Tuesday

Chris said...

I bought the magazine at Barnes and Noble a few weeks back, which is how I got the list. The Mojo website is pretty sparse and doesn't seem to have a copy of it. I'll mess around on Google and see if someone has posted the list somewhere. There's a lot of foreign Dylan sites, but they're tough to find since they're often in different languages.

5:00 PM, Tuesday

Anonymous said...

Most good quarterbacks don't reach the pantheon of greatness without either a great reciever. Steve Young and Joe Montana might not have been great without Jerry Rice. Terry Bradshaw wouldn't have been the same without Lynn Swan and John Stallworth. The same goes with Troy Aikman who had Michael Irvin. I know you're just going to come over the top with the superbowl rings that they all have on their fingers, but consider this. If McNabb is just an average quarterback without Owens, how did he get to those three straight NFC championship games on his own? Wait, I know, it was a phantom illegal motion penalty, a blown coverage, and a tipped ball.

5:19 PM, Tuesday

Chris said...

I didn't realize merely making the NFC Championship Game was indicative of greatness. Thanks for enlightening me, anonymous!
One question though, how many NFC Championships has Donovan McNabb won without T.O?

5:21 PM, Tuesday

Anonymous said...

T.O didnt play last year...

5:27 PM, Tuesday

Chris said...

You mean in the NFC Championship Game and playoffs, of course. Because he did play during the year and made McNabb a better QB as a result, which is all I ever said.
But hey, if you think a modern QB with a 56% completion percentage and 2:1 TD to INT ratio is a Hall of Famer, we can agree to disagree about how wrong you are, anonymous.
And your logic about the great QB/great WR is greatly flawed. Do you think Lynn Swann or John Stallworth would be in the Hall of Fame if they weren't on the receiving end of Terry Bradshaw's throws? Marvin Harrison, unarguably one of the best WRs in the game today, had career highs of 73 receptions and 866 yards before Peyton Manning hit his stride.
A WR is totally dependent on his QB to get him the ball, more so than any other player in any other team sport is dependent on a teammate.
A great WR can be made by a great QB. It happens all th time. But only a world-class WR (like Randy Moss or Terrell Owens) can make a decent QB a great one.

5:44 PM, Tuesday

wolfman said...

it's great to see some chicago influence on the blog

5:51 PM, Tuesday

Anonymous said...

What I find is humorous is that all you guys hate The Daily Show because it's so unoriginal. How very original of you all.

5:53 PM, Tuesday

Chris said...

"What I find is humorous" is that you can't seem to write a coherent sentence. I suppose your failure to grasp the basic concepts of the English language is, in part, why you must watch The Daily Show to feel intellectually superior to the masses.

6:23 PM, Tuesday

Anonymous said...

chris, there is a large grey area between average and hall of fame, i was merely pointing out that he was better than average, which is what you peg him as in the column- hall of fame is a whole different discussion in my opinion

7:08 PM, Tuesday

greg said...

i'm with snrub, give 5 a break, as far as the daily show goes...original, cutting edge--john stewart for president

9:03 PM, Tuesday

Bombadil said...

Wow, a lot has happened since I was here last.

First, I like The Daily Show, becuase it is the only way I can get any political news without falling asleep.

Chicago as Dickie V would say, "Stock Up"

Thanks for the link, Chris, I have added you over at my site.

10:10 AM, Wednesday

Anonymous said...

What are your thoughts on dumping the water cooler on the coach and the subsequent celebration that went on for a week 2 victory? I understand that it was a very big win, but don't you think those kinds of acts are reserved for playoff and championship type games?
Any unbiased opinion would be appreciated

11:23 AM, Wednesday

Chris said...

I think it was a combination of:
a) The biggest win of Joe Gibbs' comeback.
b) A sign of the love and respect Gibbs' players have for him.
The two players who dumped the Gatorade on Gibbs were Clinton Portis and Rock Cartwright. Portis could be sulking right now, he has been a minor disappointment in Washington. The offensive line isn't opening huge holes for him, last year's counter treys were ill-suited for his style and he had to gain 20 pounds of muscle to prepare for another 350 carry season in 2005. But there he was, after another poor game, dumping Gatorade on his coach and jumping around when the contest ended like his team had just won the Pee-Wee Championship. You think Corey Dillon, Terrell Owens, Randy Moss or most other offensive stars in the league would be that happy in a win they didn't contribute to? Seriously, look at Portis' face. He has a look of pure ecstasy on it, just like every other Redskins player.
Cartwright played only on special teams Monday night, but was hugging Gibbs like he had caught the winning TD pass. All the talking heads on the networks say chemistry is overrated, and maybe it is. But sometimes a little chemistry can make the difference between a losing season and a winning one.
c) I also think the Gatorade bath was a little dig at Bill Parcells, who had beat Gibbs in their last eight match-ups. Parcells, you'll remember, receiving the first Gatorade bath in Super Bowl XXI from Harry Carson, and I guarantee that was in Portis' thoughts as he prepared to douse his coach.
I'll agree that it's unusual to give a coach a Gatorade bath after a week 2 win. But this was no ordinary win for the Washington Redskins. It's the best victory for the franchise since Gibbs left in 1993. I can see how some could criticize the bath, but anybody who has been watching and rooting for the Redskins during their run of futility certainly wouldn't.
Let's put it this way: I'd rather root for a team that gives a coach a premature Gatorade bath than a team that doesn't seem to care about a win or a loss, like the Steve Spurrier and Norv Turner Redskins. When the 'Skins would lose during the Spurrier-era the team would mill around the field afterwards, casually chatting with the other team. There was also laughing in the locker room, music and joking around. Nobody took losing seriously. You can bet that if the Cowboys had kicked a game-winning FG late Monday night, none of that would have happened. And I can guarantee the Cowboys locker room was silent after the loss as well.
The Gatorade bath shows me the players care about winning football games. And I'll take that over apathy any day of the week.

11:38 AM, Wednesday

Bombadil said...

I generally don't like extra celebration. Guys on teams loosing by 30, going crazy on a sack, Gatorade baths for a week 2 win, that type of thing, but I would rather my guys have too much emotion that not enough.

12:35 PM, Wednesday

Alt said...

I have no problem with the gatorade bath...it may be somewhat over the top but understandable given the circumstances(most notably the cowboys recent dominance of the skins and the manner in which they won the game). However, I think you may looking a little too deeply into the motivations of Clinton Portis. Do you seriously think Portis said or even thought on monday, "Hey guys, lets make a grand ironical statement by dumping gaterade on Coach Gibbs. You know, since Parcells started this trend back in 1987 after winning SuperBowl XXI, it would have to really piss him off if we dump it on Gibbs after we just beat him."? I mean, he was 6 when it happened, and I could be wrong here but I seriously doubt Portis has any clue how gaterade baths started. Judging by the admittedly limited times I've seen Portis interviewed (MTV Cribs, Espn), he seems a lot more like the guy who needs help finding the team bus after the game. I know this whole thing is a retarded argument over a stupid point, but I just have a hard time believing that there was anything else there besides just being caught up in the emotion of the moment.

2:31 PM, Wednesday

Chris said...

Can't you see Clinton Portis chillin' at his beachfront condo in Miami with Warren Sapp, Ed Reed, Ray Lewis and a bevy of strippers and college girls smoking some weed and listening to the Ying-Yang Twins when the following conversation takes place:

Portis - How awesome would it be if I had one of those hot dog machines they have in 7-11.
Sapp - Oh man, that'd be awesome. You have to get one of those.
Reed - (Laughs)
Lewis - WHAT YOU MUST DO, MY BROTHA, IS ALLEVIATE YOURSELF FROM THE CONSTRAINTS OF FORMAL SOCIETY AND TURN CONVENTION ON ITS HEAD BY NOT BUYING THE MAN'S HOT DOG MACHINE.
Sapp - Shut up Ray.
Lewis - (Scowls, but resumes macking on a white chick from Lynn.)
Portis - Where could I buy one of those things?
Sapp - We could call Sean Taylor, he could go hold up a 7-11 at gunpoint, steal the hot dog machine and then get-away with his 2 ATV's: One for him, one for the machine.
Reed - (Laughs)
There is a knock on the door.
Outside Voice - OPEN UP, POLICE!
Portis walks over to the door cautiously, looks in the peephole, relaxes, smiles and opens it.
Mark Brunell - Gotcha... bitches!
Reed - (Laughs)
(Brunell gives dap and man-hugs to the Miami crew, eyes up the assembled female talent, points to a buxom Puerto Rican, makes a "come hither" motion with his finger, puts his arm around her as she walks towards him. They exit the condo after Brunell winks at Portis and raises a fist in Lewis' direction.)
Portis - That Mark Brunell is one crazy MoFo!
Sapp - Don't I know it.
Reed - (Laughs)
Portis - What were we talking about?
Sapp - When?
Portis - Before Brunell showed up?
Sapp - Hmm... I don't know... That Fresh Prince where Will meets the dude from Star Trek and they accidentally inhale laughing gas?
Portis - No, but that was a great one. Hey Ray, (Lewis turns around) do your Carlton dance. (Lewis scowls and resumes macking.) Stupid Ray, never shuts up on the field but then refuses to do the Carlton dance when there's ladies around. Anyway, what the hell were we talking about.
(Forty-five minutes elapse with Portis and Sapp in deep thought. There are few sounds, except for the low baritone of Lewis' mack voice and the occasional giggle from Ed Reed. Suddenly, the silence breaks.)
Portis - Yo, how awesome would it be if I had one of those hot dog machines they have in 7-11.
Sapp - Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh. That'd be so sweet.
Reed - (Laughs)
Portis - But first I need to get my Gatorade dispenser. That'd be hot. By the way, did you know that Gaorade was invented by Dr. Robert Cade and Dr. Dana Shires from the University of Florida in 1966 as was intended to rehydrate and replenish the electrolytes and carbohydrates in an athlete's body depleted during debilitating aerobic exercise through a mixture of water, sucrose, glucose-fructose syrup, sodium chloride and citric acid?
Reed - Don't forget about monopotassium phosphate.
Portis - Right, Ed. Now, Gatorade is the official sports beverage of every major North American professional sports league.
Lewis - (Turning away from his attempted macking) Even the MLS?
Portis - Even the MLS, Ray. (Lewis' mackitude resumes) And the popular "Gatorade Bath" that is now so common it even appears in Madden 2006, was popularized by the Giants Harry Carson in 1987 when the Giants won their first Super Bowl under coach Bill Parcells.
Sapp - Dude, you should totally dump Gatorade on Parcells next time you win a game.
Portis - In theory, Warren, that is an excellent idea. But I play for the Redskins and coach Joe Gibbs. I suppose, however, it would be delicious irony if I were to dump Coach if we should beat the Cowboys on September 19 in Dallas.
Lewis - Smashing idea Clinton!
(Charles Barkley comes through the balcony doors on horseback holding a stick of Right Guard.)
Barkley - Anything less would be uncivilized.
(Barkley exits.)
Reed - (Laughs)

What? I can totally see that happening.

3:10 PM, Wednesday

The Chaz Rankings: Week 2 (Dylan Edition)

The UK's Mojo magazine recently released a list of the 100 Greatest Bob Dylan songs. Today, we'll use that list to help with the week 2 Chaz Rankings:

1) Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0, Last Week: 3) - Like A Rolling Stone (#1)
With a 16-0 record as a starter, Ben Roethlisberger is more like a stone on cruise control in the left lane. Plus, it’s only fitting that the #1 team goes with Dylan’s #1 song.
(By the way, the Steelers jumped the Colts this week because they've looked unstoppable on both sides of the ball, while Indy’s defensive improvement isn’t enough to compensate for their bewildering lack of offense. In my mind though, Indy is still the better team, but Pittsburgh is more deserving of the top spot.)

2) Indianapolis Colts (2-0, 2) - Oh, Sister (100)
That must be what Peyton Manning thinks when he sees Eli throw an interception.

3) Kansas City Chiefs (2-0, 4) - It Takes A Lot To Laugh, It Takes A Train To Cry (87)
Clearly Bob has never met Dick Vermeil.

4) New England Patriots(1-1, 1) - It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue (7)
Dylan played this one acoustically following his infamous electric performance at the 1965 Newport Folk Festival in what some say was an acerbic goodbye to the folk scene.
They should have played this one in the Pats locker room after Sunday’s loss; it was the beginning of the end of their dynasty. (And I’m glad Wilbon ripped Mike Vrabel for his classless endzone display on Sunday. The media loves to talk about how the Pats are above all the juvenile nonsense that is pervasive in today’s NFL, but New England is just as bad as everyone else.)

5) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-0, 10) - If Not For You (63)
The Bucs defense is back to their old dominating ways but make no mistake, if not for Cadillac, the Bucs’ record would be reversed.

6) Carolina Panthers (1-1, 13) - Mississippi (9)
“Mississippi” is Dylan’s greatest song, Carolina is the NFC’s best team.

7) Philadelphia Eagles (1-1, 7) - You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go (33)
Donovan McNabb might talk a big game, but he knows that without Terrell Owens he’s simply an average NFL quarterback. If you want to argue that point, take a look at McNabb’s career stats pre- and post-Owens.

8) Cincinnati Bengals (2-0, 17) - The Times They Are A-Changin’ (22)
The Browns and Vikings aren’t exactly the class of the NFL, but with Carson Palmer, Johnson & Johnson, an improving defense and the Ravens in a free-fall, 2005 could be the year Cincinnati finally ends the longest current playoff drought in the NFL.

9) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1, 6) - Visions of Johanna (21)
Both should be much higher; and I’m beginning to love Byron Leftwich almost as much as Dylan’s haunting “Visions”.

10) Atlanta Falcons (1-1, 5) - Man In The Long Black Coat (31)
Jim Mora Jr. has the face of a schmuck. He looks like an ambulance-chasing used car salesman. I want to punch my television set everytime his smug mug comes on screen. So here’s what I’m proposing: Mora Jr. can keep coaching the Falcons, but instead of standing on the sidelines, Mora would sit in a booth and Jerry Glanville would return as a sort of stand-in on the field; provided, of course, that he wear his long black coat and keeps leaving tickets at will-call for Elvis.

11) New Orleans Saints (1-1, 11) - Only A Pawn In Their Game (49)
The Saints lose no ground in The Chaz Rankings this week because of the way they were completely used by the greedy, New York-centric NFL front office when their home opener was ridiculously moved to Giants Stadium without a single shred of reasoning given as to why.
(The Giants stay at #14 for the same reason.)

12) Washington Redskins (2-0, 16) - Simple Twist Of Fate (73)
Many NFL seasons hinge on a few simple twists of fate. Over the past decade-plus, those fates have conspired against the Washington Redskins many-a-time. But not last night. Oh, not last night.

13) Denver Broncos (1-1, 31) - I Want You (28)
I’d imagine that’s the message Mike Shanahan leaves on John Elway’s voicemail once every two or three hours.

14) New York Giants (2-0, 14) - Tangled Up In Blue (15)
Q: What do the Giants, Eli Manning and “Tangled Up In Blue” all have in common?
A: Like Roy Williams and The Daily Show, they’re all ridiculously overrated.

15) San Diego Chargers (0-2, 12) - You Ain’t Goin’ Nowhere (52)
For the season LaDainian Tomlinson has 124 yards rushing on 38 carries, good for a 3.3 yard-per-rush average. And after having an NFL RB record 100 catches in 2003, Dainie has none in his first two games this season.
A lot of this has to do with opposing defenses keying in on L.T. and the Chargers weak passing attack, but Tomlinson will need to get back to form if the Chargers want to make a repeat appearance in the playoffs.

16) Dallas Cowboys (1-1, 8) - Fourth Time Around (86)
So far, the fourth time around hasn’t been sweet for Bill Parcells. He’s just 17-17 during his brief stint in Big D.

17) Chicago Bears (1-1, 25) - Quinn the Eskimo (The Mighty Quinn) (61)
Wait, Jonathan Quinn isn’t on the Bears anymore? Wow, I thought that kid had a bright future.

18) Buffalo Bills (1-1, 9) - The Man In Me (84)
Bowling aficionado Willis McGahee should crank this 1970 tune, re-popularized two-and-a-half decades after its initial release in the bowling-noir classic The Big Lebowski, anytime he feels like throwing rocks.

19) St. Louis Rams (1-1, 20) - Idiot Wind (19)
An idiot wind blows every time Mike Martz and the Rams play on the road. But inside the climate controlled Edward Jones Dome, there’s more of an idiot stillness.

20) Seattle Seahawks (1-1, 21) - A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall (22)
Don't be fooled by the win against the overrated Falcons, the Seahawks will struggle in 2005.

21) New York Jets (1-1, 29) - Lily, Rosemary, And The Jack Of Hearts (95)
All three catch better than Laveranues Coles.

22) Tennessee Titans (1-1, 30) - Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again (59)
Had “Tough Mama” made Mojo’s Top 100 list, I could have given Steve McNair some props for being one of the game’s most gutsy players. And had this been a list of the Top 100 songs by 2 Live Crew, I could have used “Face Down, Ass Up” to give props to Titans center Justin Hartwig.

23) Miami Dolphins (1-1, 18) - Rainy Day Women #12 & #35 (58)
Ricky Williams might like to know that this Blonde on Blonde opener has been suggested as the possible reason a stoner’s favorite time of day is 4:20.

24) Oakland Raiders (0-2, 23) - Not Dark Yet (41)
It’s one thing to be 0-2, but it’s another to be 0-2 after opening with two probable playoff teams. Still with Norv Turner as the head coach the Raiders should take heed in Bob’s fatalistic words, “It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there.”

25) Cleveland Browns (1-1, 32) - Gates Of Eden (69)
In this cut off the groundbreaking Bringing It All Back Home Dylan speaks of “the motorcycle black madonna, two-wheeled gyspy queen.” Hmm, maybe he could introduce her to Kellen Winslow, Jr.

26) Detroit Lions (1-1, 15) - I Threw It All Away (55)
Joey Harrington takes the lyrics to this song way too literally.

27) San Francisco 49ers (1-1, 19) - Tomorrow Is A Long Time (83)
Especially with Tim Rattay as your starting quarterback.

28) Green Bay Packers (0-2, 28) - Forever Young (44)
Sure, he might throw ill-advised picks and make rookie mistakes, but even you harshest Favre critics out there have to agree: That pill-popping hillbilly really looks like he’s having fun out there.

29) Arizona Cardinals (0-2, 26) - Sad Eyed Lady Of The Lowlands (3)
This one was written about all female Cardinal fans, not Dylan’s ex-wife Sara as has been suggested.

30) Minnesota Vikings (0-2, 24) - Goin’ To Acapulco (96)
That’s where Mike Tice will be headed after getting fired next Monday. I don’t know if TSA regulations allow airline passengers to have a pencil behind their ear though. Tice should have his wife look into that.

31) Houston Texans (0-2, 27) - I Shall Be Released (24)
Much like Tim Couch, David Carr will eventually suffer the indignity of being released by the team that made him the top pick in the NFL draft.

32) Baltimore Ravens (0-2, 22) - Just Like a Woman (10)
Kyle Boller’s theme song.

Hail to the Redskins, Hail Victory!

Before tonight, the last time Joe Gibbs got down on his knees while on the sidelines was during the 1987 NFC Championship Game. Then, the Redskins were up 17-10 late in the 4th quarter against the Minnesota Vikings when Darrell Green popped Darrin Nelson the instant Wade Wilson's 4th down pass hit his hands at the goal line. The pass fell incomplete and the Redskins were on their way to the Super Bowl.
The situation was much different tonight in Dallas. A 56-minute offensive struggle gave way to a historic 71-second outburst which led to a miraculous 14-13 Redskins victory in Dallas. Gibbs, on his knees during the last play, was doused with water by Clinton Portis and Rock Cartwright after the Cowboys laterals went nowhere and celebrated the win in a way he never did during his first stint in Washington. It was as if he knew that tonight's win was just as big as any in the past.
A loss to Dallas tonight would have been devastating for the Redskins. Their much-maligned offense struggled behind their much-maligned QB for much of the game's first 56 minutes. Washington was held scoreless until that point and Mark Brunell showed little to indicate why Gibbs had designated him as the new starting quarterback.
But after some huge defensive stops, Brunell threw two TD passes to Santana Moss in a 71-second stretch, giving the Redskins a one-point lead with 2:34 left in the game. Despite allowing a long kickoff return after the go-ahead touchdown, the Redskins defense held twice and gave Bill Parcells his first career defeat after having a 13-point lead in the 4th quarter.
Instead of a reeling 1-1, the Redskins are 2-0 headed into their bye week and have reason to feel confident in their shut-down defense. There are still many question marks on offense, but with 13 days before their next game, the team has time to work out the kinks.
Except for a few outliers on both sides, most NFL teams could finish the year with a record between 6-10 and 10-6. A small number of plays throughout the year is the difference between making the playoffs and a top-ten draft pick. The Redskins know this; last season a phantom illegal motion penalty against the Packers, a blown coverage against Dallas and a tipped ball against Philly were all that seperated a disappointing 6-10 season from an encouraging 9-7 one.
Tonight, the Redskins made the play they haven't made in the past.
Everything about the 70-yard bomb from Brunell to Moss needed to be perfect. The throw, the route, the catch and the coverage; if one thing went wrong, the ball would have bounced incomplete. But Brunell threw his best pass as a Redskin to Moss, who ran the best route of his brief Redskins career. And the remarkably overrated Roy Williams, who got away with a potentially game-changing personal foul in last year's 'Skins-'Boys Monday nighter, was slow in the cover-2 and watched Moss haul in the biggest Redskins catch since Larry Center swaltzed into the endzone at Candlestick Park in 1999 to give the Redskins the NFC East title.
It's way too early to talk about winning another, but tonight's win gets Washington on the right track. Playoff teams need to have unexpected wins like the Redskins had this evening.
Granted, just because they're 2-0 doesn't mean they're going to be playing come January. But the Washington Redskins playoff hopes got a huge boost tonight after stealing a win in Big D.
Hail to the Redskins, indeed.
Check back sometime Tuesday afternoon for a special edition of the Week 2 Chaz Rankings.