The Saga Continues

I was watching Jeopardy last week and was tearing it up thanks to the bevy of useless knowledge I've accrued over the years. As the non-mustachioed Alex Trebek read the categories for Double Jeopardy, I became excited, for one of said categories was entitled "Alexander the Great". Seeing as I had taken a class at Wake Forest of the same name, I figured I would wreck the clues Ken Jennings-style. After all, the esteemed professor of that course, Dr. Jeffery "Bum-Ba-Da-Bum" Lerner, earned that abbreviation at the front of his name, unlike most psychiatrists and a handful of dentists.
So, you can understand my dismay when I was unable to answer the question (or is it question the answer), "The commander Alexander defeated at the Battle of Gaugamela."
My mind drew a blank. The answer was on the tip of my tongue until one of the contestants said, "Darius" and I realized that the answer had not, in fact, been of the tip of my tongue.
On some level I guess I knew the answer was Darius and would have come up with it on a multiple choice test (assuming the other options were Patrick Swayze, John Wilkes Booth and Michael Dukakis), but why couldn't I summon that piece of information more quickly?
Shoot, I wrote a 18-page paper on how Alexander the Great died (if I remember correctly, Suge Knight was somehow involved) and I couldn't remember Darius? For shame!
And it's not like this was the first time this has happened, no sir. Many a Jeopardy episode finds me digging deep for a piece of knowledge that was first taught to me inside the hallowed halls of... Babcock?... No... Greene?... That's not it either... Seriously, I can't remember the name of the damn building at Wake where all my history classes were held.... Still thinking... Oh, this is going to piss me off all day... I can picture it now, with it's brick and - TRIBBLE! Got it! It's Tribble! (It seriously took me over two minutes to come up with that, by the way. This won't come as a surprise to The Wolfman, who was amazed to discover that, in our junior year, I still didn't know the names of the four dorms on the Wake Forest Quad.)
Where was I... Oh yes, not remembering anything while watching TV game shows. As I said, sadly, this has happened before in other Jeopardy episodes. Abelard & Heloise, the name of Muhammad's wife, Archibald Cox, the Battle of Lexington, the ingredients for an Alabama Slammer; it seems that I had forgotten everything I learned in college.
Why was this happening? Surely there must be an explanation, I told myself.
And when I heard about the Rod Gardner trade yesterday afternoon I discovered what was replacing all that useful information in my head: My uncanny (and unnecessary) ability to remember where I was and what I was doing at the exact moment of every Redskins draft pick since 1991.
LaVar Arrington? Sitting on the couch in Craig Hilts' room by the fire exit in Efird Hall, drinking Coors Lite.
Desmond Howard? In my grandfather's office listening to my Walkman.
Sean Taylor? Yelling at the television in my basement while my buddies Horo and Jaf applauded.
Bobby Wilson? In the car driving back from a swim meet in Northeast D.C.
Heath Shuler? Mowing the backyard lawn. Had I known then what I know now about Shuler, I would have laid down in front of the mower and called it a day.
These worthless memories came flooding back to me today when I heard that the Redskins had finally shipped Rod Gardner out of town in exchange for an undisclosed draft pick. Hearing this wonderful news I was taken back four years, to a simpler, happier time when Rod Gardner wasn't on the Redskins. While with my dad at Tony Cheng's Seafood Restaurant in Chinatown before a Capitals game, I got a call from my mom informing me that the 'Skins had, with the 15th pick, taken Rod Gardner, Wide Receiver, Clemson.
I hung up my cell phone quickly, cursed Vinny Cerrato and got back to my Hot & Sour Soup. Not knowing much about Rod Gardner, I was cautiously optimistic, even though the Redskins front office had done nothing in recent years to deserve such high regard.
It was clear the Redskins needed a receiver, but I was against such a pick, seeing as how the team's previous first-round selections at the position (Desmond Howard, Michael Westbrook) were unqualified busts. Receiver is always the biggest first round crapshoot and with the Redskins aim they were better off drafting a lineman and looking for a receiver later (like Chad Johnson, who went in the second round).
Plus, all the pre-draft buzz had centered around Miami speedster Santana Moss. It seemed clear that Moss would be Dan Snydbrenner favorite, considering the boy-bumbler loves big-names and big-names only. Not that I wanted Moss either, but surely he was better than some dude from Clemson.
Years later it was revealed that Snydbrenner did, indeed, want to pick Moss, but, shockingly, was overruled by his "yes" man Vinny Cerrato, which was kind of like Luca Brasi telling off Don Corleone.
Redskins fans have been paying for that decision ever since.
Dropped catches, a reluctance to go over the middle, poor route running, ever worse decision making and enough whining to make a toddler look mature were just a few of the hallmarks of Rod Gardner's time in Washington.
After four unspectacular years, the 15th pick of the 2001 draft was traded for what will likely be the 200th pick in the 2006 draft, and the 'Skins were lucky to get even that.
Had the team cut Gardner (as they would have next week), he would have counted against the cap this year and next.
By trading him, Washington rids themselves of Gardner's cap number and can now overpay Jason Campbell and Carlos Rogers to their heart's delight.
Ironically, Gardner's exit was precipitated by the arrival of none other than Santana Moss, the very player Vinny Cerrato passed up four years before.
Instead of drafting Moss, as they should have (instead of Gardner, at least), Snydbrenner and Cerrato had to trade for him, giving up a more talented, albeit injured and butterfingered, Laveranues Coles and absorbing his crippling $9 million cap-hit as a result. In addition, the 'Skins still had to cover the remaining $5 million of Coles' record $13 million signing bonus; meaning that in order to get a guy (Moss) they could have had for free in 2001, the Redskins had to pay $13 million and use up 12% of their cap room.
In exchange for all that, they received what will likely be a 5th or 6th round draft choice from Carolina for the player they deemed better than Moss just 48 months ago.
Not that I'm all that enamored with Moss, mind you. His numbers are quite similar to David Patten's and, had he remained on the Jets, would likely have been the third receiver this season in New York, which makes his $31 million contract the Redskins handed to him (with $11 million in guaranteed money) seem all the more curiouser.
Hell, Rod Gardner came into the league with Moss and has 76 more catches and three more touchdowns than the man who replaced him.
Moss may be an upgrade over Gardner (that's not saying much though; a potted plant would be an upgrade over that stiff), but not by much. Factor in the gigantic salary and the Redskins come out looking like saps on these deals, not that that's much of a surprise.
It'd be nice to say that, with the trade of Rod Gardner, the saga of the Redskins 2001 draft is finally over. But because of the huge contract the team inexplicably gave to an average player they had previously passed on, the sins of Vinny Cerrato and Dan Snydbrenner will be haunting Redskins fans deep into the future.

Sweating the Day Away

Normally, I'm not a fan of using the heat index and wind chill as temperature gauges. If it says 95 on the thermometer, then it's 95 outside. I don't care what it "feels" like outside, just tell me where the mercury's at.
Everytime some putz comes up to me in the winter and says, "the weatherman says it feels like it's -15 degrees out here", I have the urge to beat them with my ice scraper while telling them that it's actually 30 degrees and windy.
Imagine if we used the concept of heat index and wind chill in other aspects of our life. Could a one-armed homeless man walk into a Ferrari dealership and say, "I actually have no money, but I feel like a millionaire, so I'll take two Modernas and a Scagiletti for the wife. And, to answer the obvious question you have, no, I'm not married, but I feel like I am."
But, in some cases, like today, the use of heat index is, like traffic lights, a necessary evil. For this afternoon in Washington D.C., the actual temperature is 99 degrees, but the heat index is four billion and seven.
And when there's discrepancies like that, even I will succumb to the evils of meteorological creations.
Since it's so hot, I fear that any further amount of effort exerted typing will cause me to spontaneously combust. So, I'll spare you from my venting over Frank Robinson and the Washington Nationals, the overhyped Ricky Williams "comeback", the lack of television coverage of the 2005 Swimming World Championships and TBS's decision to replace Ed on weekdays at noon with reruns of Becker. And you thought I hated wind chill? Just wait until I get started on Ted Danson.
But, in lieu of a new post (which this has rapidly and pointlessly become), I'll post this seminal photograph (right) again, simply because I can.
Stay cool.

Update (7:23 p.m.) - Over at Slate, Daniel Engber explains the ridiculous formula behind the heat index. Let's just say it's about as complicated as the NFL's quarterback rating system, and just as accurate too.

Send in any questions, thoughts, comments or diatribes to chrisachase@comcast.net for this Friday's mailbag.

Quick Tuesday Thoughts


Ricky Williams in Dolphins Camp
With Ricky back in Miami, you can expect an aloofness on par with Jerry's butcher Franco, veiled shots towards Ronnie Brown, a plethora of references to Half-Baked, disappointed fantasy owners nationwide, 800 yards, a handful of touchdowns and a posse including at least two Marley children.
Ricky has carried the ball more than 1,500 times thus far in his NFL career, close to the 2,000 attempt threshold that seems to be the point when all backs start slowing down. Factor in the 1,000 carries Ricky had at Texas, and there's a good chance his tired legs won't be able to do much this season, one year layoff or not.
John Riggins came back from a year-off with almost the same amount of rushes at Ricky and had great success, but Riggins loved football and never carried the ball 392 times in one season as the bearded one has.

Paula Creamer Wins Again
This is the second victory for the 18-year old Creamer, which is two more than the much-heralded Michelle Wie. I'm still unable to fathom why Wie gets so much attention simply for playing in a men's event. It's almost as if everyone wants her to be great, so they act as if she already is in the hopes that others will start believing it too. This is why I think The Daily Show gets so many accolades, even though more people watch Girlfriends on UPN.

Schilling Gets a Loss in Relief... To the Devil Rays
Can we add "Schilling to the bullpen" to the list of mankind's worst ideas alongside New Coke, the Psycho remake, Magic Johnson coaching the Lakers, Magic Johnson hosting his own TV talk-show, the Vikings trading for Herschel Walker and Rocky V?

Watching the Wheels Come Off

In a bizarre post-game press conference after last night's Washington Nationals loss to the lowly Rockies, Washington pitcher Livan Hernandez, who had just tied a modern Major League record by hitting four batters in a game, said he would undergo season-ending knee surgery.
Perhaps frustrated by the first back-to-back losses of his season, Hernandez said his knee felt good enough to pitch with, but added cryptically, "I'm tired of something... I'll tell you when the season's over. I'm mad."
Such is life for the Washington Nationals over the past three weeks. After a dazzling start to the season, the team has hit a bump in the road that, while expected, has threatened to derail a promising season. A losing streak was inevitable for the Nats. How they deal with it, however, is anyone's guess.
The Hernandez episode was the latest in a long line of dysfunctional happenings with baseball's biggest surprise.
First, Jose Guillen called out the team's pitching staff for not retaliating after Pedro Martinez drilled him during an early-July game.
A cry-me-a-river article in The Washington Post chronicling Cristian Guzman's insecurities with being the worst offensive player in baseball followed, as did a handful of ejections and a loss thanks to a wacky walk-off balk that occurred before Mike Stanton, in his Nats debut, had even thrown a pitch.
All that seems normal now when compared to last night's utterly baffling press conference by Livan Hernandez.
When asked who he thought his pitcher would be upset with, Nats manager Frank Robinson said he had no idea, leading some (me) to speculate that Hernandez might be concerned about his heavy workload in the rotation.
Hernandez currently leads the majors in innings pitched, just as he has in his only two seasons with Frank Robinson and the Expos franchise. It's quite possible that the Nationals All-Star is miffed about that and was venting last night after the worst series the team has played all season.
Hernandez has always thrown a lot of innings though, regardless of managers. In six of his seven full seasons, Hernandez has finished in the top 10 for innings pitched. His reputation has always been that he peaks down the stretch, so there is little evidence to suggest that such a heavy workload is hindering Hernandez's performance.
If the knee is really bothering him, Frank Robinson should think about pushing Livan back in the rotation a game or two. But, if his comments last night were just a frustrated man venting to the media, then Livan Hernandez should shut up, get on the mound and do whatever it takes to get his team to the playoffs.
For the season's first 90 games everything the Washington Nationals touched turned to gold. Now, after four straight series losses, a rash of untimely injuries, a string of bad luck and unfavorable coverage in the media thanks to players like Hernandez, Cristian Guzman and Jose Guillen airing out their grievances in public, the Nationals are at a crossroads.
They are still a half-game up on the Braves in the N.L. East and have a five-game cushion in the Wild Card race. Atlanta seems likely to vault into their rightful place atop the East by the weekend and, as for the Wild Card, never has a five-game lead felt so fragile.
If the Nationals want to continue their bitching and revel in their newfound selfish attitudes, they should start making plans for October. But if they want to reward their new hometown and the 2.5 million who will visit RFK Stadium to watch the first baseball team to play in the Nation's Capital since the Nixon administration, the Washington Nationals need to stop whining and play some damn ball.

Looking Back: A Mini-Evening With Dickie V

It's too damn hot, so I'm not writing anything today, even though I have plenty to say about the mismanaging Frank Robinson, the unfathomable suckiness of Cristian Guzman and my seats last night at RFK (right), which were directly behind home plate and easily the best seats I've ever had at a baseball game.
Unfortunately I wasn't able to heckle Cristian Guzman too much because the seats weren't mine, but I'll be damned if I didn't shoot him a few evil glances every now and again. Yeah, I keep it real.
Alright, this humidity is killing me. Every time I walk outside it's like going into an exclusive sauna where all the other saunas go for a schvitz. The humidity is so powerful it's only a matter of time before Frank Robinson benches Cristian Guzman and slots in Hum Idity as his new shortstop.
But, I digress. About four months ago I spent a mini-evening with your favorite college basketball television personality, and mine, Dick Vitale. What appears below are notes taken by my new college intern, Darren, who reports that Mr. Kramer says, "hey buddy!"

A Mini-Evening With Dickie V
February 3, 2005

It's been about one year since I decided to take in an evening with Dick Vitale. Reluctantly, I have been planning on a follow-up date, but wanted to wait until we could spend time together in his favorite surroundings, Cameron Indoor Stadium.
Unfortunately, the Duke-Wake tilt in Durham is one of those terrible Sunday night FSN match-ups, and while an evening with Mike Gminski sounds intriguing, I fear it wouldn’t be the same.
So, even though the Duke at Wake Forest game was where Dick and I had our first date, I figured our second would have to wait until the Duke-UNC game at Cameron.
Trying to justify this in my mind, I figured that chronicling our night would be easier when I didn’t have as much invested in the game. Last year I found myself madly typing and missing game action during the Wake-Duke meeting in Winston. This time, I said, I could focus solely on the Deacs.
But, two minutes into the coverage, Vitale started up with his normal Vitale-ness, and I couldn’t resist, so I went and grabbed my laptop and jotted down a few notes during the game, which appear a little lower in this posting.
Please don’t think of this as an evening with Dickie V though. It’s more like we ran into each other at a bar, had a drink and set a date for next Wednesday night
As a result, I haven’t written everything about this game, so I won’t be talking about the absurdity of Trent Strickland’s technical foul, Daniel Ewing’s crotch shot, the defensive sets run by Skip Prosser, refs using replay way too much or the last 1:58 of the game, in which Vitale did everything but drop to a knee and propose to J.J. Redick.
Instead, here’s a smattering of comments from my semi-evening with Dick Vitale:

9:12 PM - The Lousville-Cincinnati game finally ends and ESPN quickly cuts to Winston-Salem where they join the game in progress.

9:13 PM - When going through the starting lineups, Vitale calls Shelden Williams "The Landlord". The Landlord, eh? If that's the case, then if Shelden's NBA career doesn't work out (wait, he goes to Duke… of course his NBA career isn't going going to work out) he can go on Broadway and play the Mr. Furley role in Three's Company: The Musical.

9:14 PM – During his “keys to the game” segment, Vitale says, "Daniel Ewing is so underrated." Feeling a bit of deja-vu, I went back to look over my last evening with Dickie V, where I found I had written this:
"Vitale has completely ignored the fact that Wake Forest center Eric Williams was not in the starting lineup tonight because he was discussing how underrated Daniel Ewing is. This is the same Daniel Ewing that was named the MVP of last year's ACC tournament and was an All-Freshman selection two years ago. Cherry Coke is underrated Mr. Vitale, Daniel Ewing is not."
That night, Vitale expressed his thoughts about Ewing’s underatedness at 9:11 PM. This year, he managed to wait three more minutes, until 9:14.
With all this talk about Ewing being underrated and disrespected, I fully expected Vitale to mention that Bill Belichick was going to give Ewing the Pats 53rd roster spot for the Super Bowl. I guess he’d fit right in with those underrated and disrespected two-time Super Bowl champs.

9:15 PM - Vitale: You can't give up 101 and lose a game when you score 101 and then give up 102.
Patrick: Absolutely!

9:18 PM - As Wake and Duke exchange baskets, Vitale breathlessly gives viewers the big scoop that Coach K will not leave Duke to coach the Lakers, saying “you can stop with all those rumors, baaaby!” Apparently Dick is oblivious to the fact that Krzyzewski's name hasn't been brought up once in regards to L.A.'s current search.

9:19 PM – Vitale reports that Coach K has also withdrawn his name from consideration for the Cleveland Browns head coaching job.

9:23 PM - After Chris Paul drains his second three-pointer of the night, Vitale says, "A lot of people might not know that Chris Paul leads the ACC in 3 point percentage."
Hmm, Dick… I wonder why a lot of people might not know that? Is it maybe because you choose to ignore that there are better three-point shooters than your man-crush, J.J. Redick, whom you’ve described as the best shooter you’ve ever seen, despite the fact that he has never finished in the top 3 for ACC three-point percentage?
Or is it because you make a huge deal about every shot that Redick makes, but then become as quiet as can be when he misses, which is fairly often?
When it comes to him you only talk about the good and never the bad. You’d make a great Communist journalist.

9:26 PM - For my parents generation the Kennedy assassination and moon landing were the two events that are so memorable that, even today, everyone can say where they were and what they were doing when they first heard about them.
For my fellow 20-somethings, the O.J. chase and 9/11 have that same distinction. However, now I can add a third event to my list: At 9:26 on February 3, 2005, I was sitting on the couch eating a pretzel rod and drinking a Sierra Nevada when Dick Vitale criticized J.J. Redick for the first time ever.

9:33 PM - Paul makes a great pass to Eric Williams, who scores a basket. Vitale calls it a defensive breakdown on Duke.

9:35 PM - Ewing makes a decent pass to Shelden Williams, who scores a basket. Vitale calls it a "tremendous assist from a tremendous player."
But how can Daniel Ewing be tremendous, if he's so underrated?
Whoa... I think I just blew my own mind.
Maybe this query can replace the "tree falls in the forest" as the world's lamest philosophical question.

9:47 PM - He just compared Chris Paul to Derek Jeter. Oh my Lord, he just compared Chris Paul to Derek Jeter. Serenity now… serenity now. Deep breaths… He didn’t mean it, he couldn’t have meant it. Serenity now... Maybe he was thinking about Chris Duhon, not Chris Paul. Calm down, breathe… Go to your happy place… Resist the urge to throw the remote at the TV.

9:50 PM - At halftime, I switch to NBC to watch a bit of the State of the Union address. At one point, they cut to Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi who looked deep in thought. During her response afterwards, the Democratic revealed that, during the speech, she was deciding which person she would rather listen to: The President she despises or Dick Vitale. She ended up choosing the Prez, mainly because he refrains from using the phrase “Freeze it!” during speeches.
By the way, who did Pelosi’s eyebrows? They’re shaped so high she looks like she’s in a constant state of surprise. If Conan O’Brien combined her face with Duke’s Jason Williams, then the resulting person would always look shocked that somebody in the vicinity recently farted.

9:53 PM - Apparently Shelden Williams will get Vitale's vote as National Player of the Year. That should go nicely with his 2nd- team All-ACC honors.

10:12 PM - To see the Virginia Tech-Miami score come up under the heading "ACC Action" is like seeing Michael Jackson on a poster celebrating Black History Month.

10:17 PM - Coming out of halftime, ESPN displays a stat showing that Duke gave up 30 points in the paint in the 1st half. I guess Shelden Williams is one of those landlords who never collects rent.

10:20 PM – For the third time tonight Vitale discusses how Shelden Williams is his candidate for National Player of the Year and is the best interior player in the college game, even though Eric Williams is schooling him inside. Once again, Vitale shows that the facts mean nothing to him; one of the main reasons Michael Jackson’s defense team has requested he serve on the jury at the Gloved One’s trial.

10:32 PM – After a foul by Daniel Ewing, Dick Vitale – out of nowhere – starts gushing praise upon Coach K even though the announcers hadn’t discussed the coach in about 10 minutes. When Vitale started talking Sean Dockery was on the screen, which made the following even more confusing: "He has had an amazing career. People always question why we sing his praises (at this point I’m thinking, if Sean Dockery’s had an amazing career than maybe Right Said Fred should win a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Grammy’s), but Coach K has nine ACC titles, Sweet 16 appearances in seven straight years, has won 11 or more ACC games each of last eight regular seaons and has a 108-20 regular season record the last few years. I could go on and on.”
First of all, you just did.
Second of all, nobody questions why you sing his praises. They question why you ram your praises down viewers throats every time Duke plays and many times when they aren’t.
Listen, if there were an American Idol for Duke hating, I'd have Randy Jackson calling me "dawg", Paula Abdul giving me her number and Simon saying that I'm the best thing to come out of the States since tanning beds. But even I, uber Duke hater, can admit that Coach K is a fantastic coach.
But we don’t need to hear about it at random times. His record speaks for himself. When Krzyzewski makes a good coaching move, then you can praise him. But to just bring it up out of the blue? Not necessary.
I don’t think I’d ever want to go to a funeral where Vitale was giving the eulogy. He’d probably be talking about the deceased saying, “Bob was a wonderful man. He pulled himself up by the bootstraps to attend college and eventually become a success in the insurance industry. Sure, he didn’t win five consecutive ACC tournaments, or take his team to nine Final Fours like Mike Krzyzewski did, but hey… who does? So, that’s it baby. Bob was awesome with a capital A. Thank you. God Bless.”

10:46 PM - If he had to choose, Vitale wouldn't know which point guard he'd choose: Chris Paul or Daniel Ewing. Now normally, I'd go with Paul. But since Ewing is so underrated… there’s that whole “element of surprise” thing happening there.

10:58 PM - After reminiscing all night about former Duke players, Vitale finally giving some love to Wake alums. As he goes down the list, he finally ends up on Tim Duncan, who he says is now one of the top 5 players in the NBA.
The top four, according to Vitale? Mike Dunleavy, Christian Laettner, Danny Ferry and Dahntay Jones.

11:09 PM – Wake Forest closes out Duke 92-89.

Like I said, this was just a Dickie V appetizer, the main course comes next week when North Carolina visits Durham. Then we’ll have the true sequel to An Evening With Dickie V.
But, since I didn’t do a running commentary on the game, here are a few quick thoughts:

- Skip Prosser, once again, jeopardized his team’s chances of winning by forcing the offense to slow down late in the game even though playing aggressively is what got Wake the lead in the first place.
If he were a football coach, Prosser would have a great passing attack that he would utilize for three quarters, but then in the 4th would stop throwing and hand the ball to Marcel Shipp to run the clock out.
That doesn’t work. The Deacs need to keep playing an up-tempo game until the buzzer sounds since they aren’t a team that can create well in a half-court set. Prosser would probably be criticized by the talking heads on ESPN if he did this, but anybody who has watched Wake games would realize it’s the right thing to do.

- Chris’s Sports Blog resident UVA fan, Spiro, asked this morning whether or not J.J. Redick had one of the worst 33 point performances ever.
He pretty much took the words right out of my mouth. Sure, Redick got 33 points. But most of that was during the last 1:58 of the game when Wake was playing against a loose defense that was avoiding fouling shooters. And despite the Redick love-fest that Vitale and Patrick were celebrating, he still didn’t do enough to get his team to win!
(By the by, not once during the last 10 minutes of game real-time did Vitale or Patrick really praise the Deac’s play over the whole game. They instead focused on Duke’s foul trouble and sweating J.J. for making open three’s without anybody in his face.)
Did anybody mention that the “best shooter in college basketball” only went 5-13 from downtown? Didn’t think so.
As for Redick’s new-found ability to drive to the hole that Vitale was raving about all game? The only reason Redick was able to get to the rack was because Justin Gray played terrible defense on one play, coming out to the perimeter and leaving the lane so wide open even Gheorgeh Muresan could have taken it to the basket.
And, as Spiro said, “what was with the look on his face after the Paul/Ewing melee (which was blown way out of proportion by the refs)? He had this cheesy, Eddie Haskell like smile on his face like he wanted to instigate trouble and then blame the other guy for it.”
Touche. But, I’d replace the words “cheesy” and “smile” with “s***-eating grin”.
You know how some people have a face that only a mother could love? Well Redick has a face that I only want to punch.
What a prick. I can’t wait until he gets to the NBA and finds out he’s a poor man’s Fred Hoiberg.

- Wake Forest has quietly won three of their last five games against Duke. Just mentioning that.

Tiger Thoughts

- Where are all those people who were writing career obituaries for Tiger Woods just 12 months ago? I'm sure they're all back on the bandwagon today and have conveniently forgotten how they wrote off Woods during his nine majors without a victory. (For the record, one year ago today I was defending Tiger Woods in this space when much of the sports world was questioning whether marriage, a coaching change, a swing change, his father's health, better competition, global warming or the ongoing crisis in Darfur were the cause of Tiger's rapid demise.)
Don't say Tiger is bach; he was never gone to begin with. Not winning a few majors qualifies not as a slump, particularly when Woods was openly tinkering with his swing in an attempt to curb mistakes and pain caused by the one he was using at the time. It's not the first time Tiger has undertaken a huge shot revamping at a time when he least appeared to need one.
After Tiger won his first Masters all the way back in 1997, he changed his swing, which had been too erratic, and didn't win another major until the 1999 PGA. During that stretch, critics were ripping Woods for changing a swing that led to six USGA amateur titles and produced the biggest rout in Masters history. But Tiger (and coach Butch Harmon) knew that a better shot was out there, so they worked for 18 months and created a swing that Tiger used in 2000/2001 during what became the most dominating stretch in sports history.
But Tiger still wasn't satisfied. He didn't like his swing plane and the force with which he hit the ball was aggrevating an old knee injury.
In January, Tiger told Golf Digest's Jamie Diaz that only two golfers in history "owned their swing": Moe Norman and Ben Hogan. "I want to own mine" Woods said. So Tiger worked on "refining" his swing (this time with Mark O'Meara's swing coach, Hank Haney).
His 2003 and 2004 seasons were relative disappointments, but would have been career years for 95% of golfers on the Tour. Even though he gauges his seasons based on major wins, Tiger was still having a great deal of success, winning the 2003 PGA Player of the Year Award despite having a Grand Slam shut-out.
Some thought Tiger was crazy to mess with success, which led to much criticism during his major-less run. But it was clear that Tiger was close with his swing, and when he got there, the Tiger of old would return.
The "refinement" of Tiger's swing turned into a complete overhaul, but it clearly worked and Woods has now regained his position atop the golfing world.
And it's not even close.

- If Michael Campbell hadn't played unbelievable golf on the back-nine at Pinehurst last month, Tiger Woods would be playing for the Grand Slam at Baltusrol in three weeks.

- Barring injury, Woods will pass Nicklaus' record by 2015. Last March I said he'd do it at the 2014 British Open (when he'll be 38). That sounds good, let's stick with that.

- Don't discount the intimidation factor when discussing the routs Tiger puts on in majors. Colin Montgomerie said yesterday on ABC that he was very much aware of Woods' presence atop the leaderboard and it caused him to change his thinking about how he was going to win the tournament.
It was a very revealing comment and speaks to how much Tiger really affects other players.
It's no coincidence that Tiger has never been challenged by what could be considered a worthy advisary at a major. Phil, Ernie, Retief, Vijay, David Duval and others have all wilted on Sundays against Tiger and never have put up a fight in a major. Those guys can say they're not intimidated until the cows come home, but the facts don't lie. When Tiger is leading a tournament, other players know their chances are just about done.
The only two times Tiger's had to battle down the stretch of a major were against players with nothing to lose, like in his wonderful 2000 duel with Bob May at the PGA Championship and this past April with Chris DiMarco at The Masters.
There's only one way to solve this, and that is to intimidate Tiger. But how can one possibly do this? Oh, I'm so glad you asked.
Pull up a chair my friends. You're about to be enlightened:
When I was at the U.S. Open a few weeks back watching the leaders tee off on #1, I had an epiphany. More on that in a second...
Golf is the most civilized of games. Professional golfers keep score for their opponents, they never trash-talk and rarely do anything that could be possibly interpreted as distasteful while on the course.
Yet, golf is a game where intimidation is crucial. Playing the final round of the Masters takes a little over four hours, but of those four hours, only about two minutes are spent actually hitting the ball. For the rest of the time, a golfer is all alone with his thoughts. If he allows scoreboard watching, illusions of grandeur, the distance of his playing partners tee shot, the blonde with the fake boobs on the 13th hole or any other stray thought to enter his head, it would absolutely affect any golfer's play.
The great players can tune out most everything; but even Tiger Woods snaps when he hears the "click" of a camera shutter.
Speaking of Tiger; he's the most intimidating golfer of them all. When he steps to the tee in the final round of any tournament, the rest of the field takes notice.
Tiger's been beaten in the final round before and has had some lesser known players challenge him on Sundays, but on the whole nobody has gotten in Tiger's head... until now.
Here's my idea (if only I were a professional golfer):
If I were paired with Tiger in the final round of a major, I would wear a windbreaker to the first tee. For the sake of this discussion, let's say I'd tee-off second, but it really doesn't matter.
During the obligatory handshake and banter I would never look Tiger in the eye, instead focusing my eyes on some inanimate object in the background. Then, I'd go back to my bag and watch him tee-off. When our paths would cross as I moved toward the tee, I'd mutter "nice shot... bitch" almost inaudibly so that Tiger would have to ask himself what he really heard. By the time he figured out what I said, my driver would be out and I'd be placing my ball into the ground.
After taking a huge swing and watching my ball land safely in the fairway, I'd turn towards Tiger, stare at him for a split second, then remove my windbreaker to reveal a red Nike shirt. I'd then throw the windbreaker to the ground, yell "what?" at Tiger, in a way that would suggest Tiger better back the hell up before he gets smacked the hell up.
After this, I'd walk down the fairway at a brisk pace and never look at Tiger again the entire round.
Man, this would be sweet... and somebody should seriously do this. OK, maybe not the insults and the throw-down, but there's gotta be someone out there with enough stones to put on a red Nike shirt on Sunday at a major. Tiger wears that shirt to intimidate everyone else, why shouldn't he get a taste of his own medicine?
Not only would this mess with Tiger's head (no matter how Tiger reacted to the shirt, it would break his concentration for a split second and put a new thought in his head seconds before the final round of a major), but it would be a marketing coup and companies would be lining up to sign golf's "bad boy" (it's a relative term) to endorsement deals.
This is a million-dollar idea; maybe my best ever. Although I still think 24-Hour Fun Day is a winner too.

- With HDTV, satellites and countless other new innovations, why does ABC's broadcast of The British Open still look like it was shot in 1974? Shoot, the picture was so grainy it made the Paris Hilton tape look like Saving Private Ryan.

- Mike Tirico, like Cherry Coke and the 1991 Washington Redskins, is vastly underrated. And Nick Faldo is great in the booth. I bet Faldo, in his prime, could have pulled off "The Red Shirt Project". Actually, I don't know if a Brit could make it work. They sound way too civilized to talk trash. Can you imagine a British guy in the NBA trying to talk smack to Kobe: "I say old boy, I'm going to take you to university and then ring your mum and tell her how brilliant my J is."
Alright, I think writing about British trash-talk is a surefire sign to call it a day.

Giddy Up Again

I wrote a pretty long piece yesterday about my master plan to intimidate Tiger Woods, but it's looking like I never got around to posting it. I'm guessing it's still on my computer screen. I've gotta tell you, this plan is fantastic. If only I were a professional golfer. Oh well.
If I ever make it back to my place today, I'll post that. Until then I'm pre-gaming before going to see the first D.C. showing of The Wedding Crashers. I haven't been this excited about a movie since Die Hard With a Vengeance. If this film is as great as I'm thinking it's going to be, it will make July the greatest entertainment month ever, what with The Fugees reunion at the BET Awards still fresh in my mind, the new Harry Potter book dropping tomorrow and that Hillary Duff song in constant rotation on the radio.
Man, that Fugees performance was awesome, even if Lauryn Hill did sound like she had used hospital waste as mouthwash before the show. My only fear is that we, as a civilization, will peak if, and when, The Fugees release a new record and from that point on we fall into a devastating downward spiral that will end with dolphins ruling the earth.
Seriously. The Fugees album will be that good.
But I digress. Actually, I'm just rambling. Enjoy your Friday.

Update (3:19 p.m.): I'm prone to bouts of hyperbole, but believe me when I say that this is not one of those times: The Wedding Crashers is the greatest movie of all-time. I don't care if you're in the middle of a job interview or the most important meeting of your life or driving your grandma to the hospital or close to nailing Lindsay Lohan. Drop whatever it is you're doing and go see this movie. Now.
Crabcakes and football... That's what Maryland does.

Return of the Rink

Happy hour will be a little happier today, for our long national nightmare is finally over: The NHL is back, baby.
Without hockey, my past 301 days have been like a Soviet grocery store; empty, except for vodka. My John Buccigross-less world suddenly had little meaning. I so missed the nights spent kicking back with a Molson Ice, admiring Barry Melrose's mullet, watching icing get called every 45 seconds and cursing myself for taking Zdenek Kutlak instead of Alexei Ponikarovsky in my NHL fantasy draft.
My winter was barren without the familiar sounds of the world's greatest ice sport (behind ice skating, speed skating, ice dancing, curling and ice jai-alai): a slapshot, the puck hitting the glass, the soft purr of the Zamboni and, my favorite of all, a drunken Canadian slurring his "eh's". Man, do I miss that.
But, thanks to a relatively conciliatory agreement (one that could have easily come 10 months ago), the National Hockey League will be ready to be ignored come October in 30 apathetic cities continent-wide.

Highway 2005 MLB Preview Revisited

I have two pet peeves: Hippies and predictions that people aren't accountable for. My beef with hippies is well-documented. There's this hippie at the Starbucks I frequent for my morning latte and he always tries to talk to me about The Grateful Dead. I'm all, "Dude, Jerry died 10 years ago! Get over it. Plus, their music sucked anyway. If I wanted to hear a 16 minute song I'd go get my Iron Butterfly record and play "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida". And don't even get me started on the fact that you claim to be a hippie while working for a huge, soulless corporation that is the antithesis of everything your unshowered peers pretend to stand for."
OK, I've never actually said that out-loud, but only because I don't want him to slip any Patchouli oil into my coffee.
Where was I? Oh, right; unaccountable predictions. It's too late to get into it now, but, long story short, I can't stand when people make predictions and then don't revisit them after they turn out wrong. Shouldn't Peter King be censured for picking a Jaguars-Seahawks Super Bowl last year? Seriously? Jags-Hawks? What's he going to pick this year: Arizona vs. The Canton Bulldogs?
These things bother me. Probably more than they should. I'd get into now, but, like I said, it's late and I spent most of my free time working myself up into a lather about that damn hippie, so, like Darius Songaila, let's cut to chase.
In an effort to curb unaccounted-for predictions, today I'll revisit my 2005 MLB Predictions. The posts, from April 6 and 7, are reprinted below. New comments appear in italics.

AL East
1) New York Yankees
2) Boston Red Sox
3) Baltimore Orioles
4) Tampa Bay Devil Rays
5) Toronto Blue Jays

Last year the Yanks and Sox were about as evenly matched as can be. Despite the Yankees superior regular season record, their run differential was much worse than Boston's and was more indicative of a team with 90 wins instead of the 101 New York actually had. (Using Bill James' Pythagorean theorem of baseball: Runs scored [squared] / (Runs scored [squared] + runs allowed [squared]) - designed to relate a team's runs scored and runs allowed to its won-lost record; the Yankees 11 win actual vs. expected differential was the most in baseball - only one other team had a difference of more than five wins.)
Statistical anomalies rarely present themselves two seasons in a row, so if the same Yankees and Red Sox teams that played in 2004 were playing in 2005, picking Boston would be the safe and logical choice.
But, of course, the two teams are not the same as they were last year. Both squads overhauled their roster, particularly their starting pitching, and have a different look than they did six months ago during their epic ALCS.
The changes in each team's batting orders are negligible (John Olerud and Enrique Wilson were replaced by Tino Martinez and Tony Womack, respectively, and a gaunt Jason Giambi has replaced a more-gaunt Jason Giambi in the Yankees lineup, while one Latin shortstop (Edgar Renteria) takes the place of another Latin shortstop (Orlando Cabrera) in Boton's.) It's the starting pitching where we find the real differnces.
Boston replaced Pedro Martinez and Derek Lowe with David Wells, Matt Clement and Wade Miller, which looks alright, until you consider that their rivals swapped Javier Vazquez, Jon Lieber and the three-headed monster of Jose Contreras, Orlando Hernandez and Esteban Loiaza with Randy Johnson, Carl Pavano and Jaret Wright. (Say what you will about how much dough the Yankees forked over to sign Wright - a pitcher who exudes mediocrity - but for a fifth starter he's pretty solid.)
In essence, the Sox lost their ace and a talented headcase and replaced them with an overweight 40-something with a known affinity for everything pinstripes and two oft-injured guys who have potential coming out the ying-yang, but little else to back them up. Frankly, both the Clement and Miller signing's were good - particularly Miller, whom Theo Epstein got at a bargain price. If he starts even 15 games and is healthy for October, he'll be a steal - but Brian Cashman's free agents buys were better.
The Red Sox have trouble with lefties (David Ortiz and Trot Nixon aren't effective against southpaws), and Unit is the best there is and that will be important come playoff time. Steinbrenner overpaid for Pavano, but unlike some other recent Yankee free agent pitchers, he shouldn't be burdened by the pressures of throwing in the Bronx and will be a success.
So who had the better off-season? Look at it this way: The first thing you say when you look at Boston's 2005 roster is, "they lost Pedro". The first thing you say when you look at New York's 2005 roster is, "they got Unit... and Pavano".
Advantage: Steinbrenner.
Factor in the normal post-championship run of bad luck (injuries, less off-season dedication (just look at Manny), etc.) and it could be a tough title defense for the Red Sox.
As for the other team's in the division: Who really cares? With the way Peter Angelos has screwed the Nationals, I hope the O's lose their next 161... but that's just me... and any other baseball fan with a soul.

In my defense, I wasn't the only one who was wrong about Randy Johnson. Pavano has been fairly terrible for the Yanks but, then again, he was never that great to begin with.
For all the trouble the Yankees had in the first-half of the season, they only find themselves 2.5 games back of the Red Sox at the All-Star break. They'll almost certainly get another arm by the trading deadline, so I'll stick with my original pick.
As for the hO's, don't be surprised by their series win over the Red Sox this weekend. The O's have won half their games against Boston since 2003.

AL Central
1) Minnesota Twins
2) Cleveland Indians
3) Chicago White Sox
4) Detroit Tigers
5) Kansas City Royals

The Twins are this season's trendy pick to win the World Series, and you know how I feel about trendy picks. Namely, I like them like my man Sam likes green eggs & ham.
But, as much as I don't like trendy picks, I don't like the Indians or ChiSox more.
Mark Buehrle is poised for a breakout year, but behind him are a streaky headcase, Freddy Garcia and two Cuban and Yankee cast-aways (Jose Contreras and 107-year old Orlando Hernandez).
If Cleveland could ever give C.C. Sabathia some run support, he'd be considered one of the best young pitchers in the game. But because the media puts way too much emphasis on wins and losses, he's often overlooked. The Indians also picked up Kevin Millwood to bolster their weak rotation.
Look for Detroit to continue their improvement from their dreadful 119 loss season in 2003, and for the Royals to be one of the worst teams in the league. Their lineup is so bad that even Lou Pinella makes fun of it.
This is the Twins division to lose though. Johan Santana hasn't lost a game since July 8 and if he can shake the early-season woes that have plagued him throughout his still-young career (he gave up four in the first last night, but was fine over the next five innings) he might have a Koufax/Pedro-esque season. Behind him, the Twins will depend on Joe Mays, Kyle Lohse and Carlos Silva – all guys who are capable of putting together a 16-9 season or a 9-16 season, depending on a whole number of variables.
I’m not as in love with the Twins as some people, or as much as The Wolfman is in love with Dan Dickau, but they’re good enough to win their fourth straight AL Central crown, and with Santana in a five-game series, anything can happen.
Don’t forget that Minnesota was two outs away from taking a 2-0 lead on the Yankees with the in last year’s ALDS, with the series headed back to Minneapolis for Games 3 and 4.

Oh Chris, you magnificent bastard. Calling Mark Buehrle's breakout year: Brilliant.
However; picking the ChiSox third: Isiah-esque.

AL West
1) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
2) Oakland A’s
3) Seattle Mariners
4) Texas Rangers

Now that they have finally rid themselves of clubhouse nuisance Jose Guillen and overpaid old-guy Troy Percival (finally moving Francisco Rodriguez into the closer role), the pretentiously named Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (whom I will refer to as the California Angels from this moment on) are the clear favorites in this division.
Vladimir Guererro is a joy to watch; his ability to hit any pitch, whether it be in the dirt or over his head, is uncanny and the acquisitions of Steve Finley and Orlando Cabrera shore up some holes the Red Sox exploited in last year’s ALDS (Finley joins Guerrero and Garrett Anderson in the Angels outfield to form a triumvirate who will likely be overlooked all season).
I wanted to believe in Billy Beane and predict that the A’s wouldn’t miss a beat after losing their top two pitchers, but then I saw Oakland’s opening day lineup. Scott Hatteberg was batting 5th, followed by Eric “Boo-urns” Byrnes and Bobby Crosby. You can imagine who’s batting at 8 and 9. Rich Harden will have a breakout year, but other than him and Barry Zito, the A's rotation is a giant question mark.
Seattle will be greatly improved from the debacle that was their 2004 season, while the Rangers will continue to realize what Orioles fans have known for years: Pitching is kind of important.

It's amazing how much I was able to write about the A.L. West without actually saying anything that could even be considered a rational thought.

American League Divisional Series
Minnesota Twins over New York Yankees (Boston Red Sox over Chicago White Sox)
Boston Red Sox over California Angels (California Angels over New York Yankees)

American League Championship Series
Boston Red Sox over Minnesota Twins (Boston Red Sox over California Angels)

AL MVP: Hideki Matsui (Vladimir Guerrero)
AL Cy Young: Johan Santana (After my Derek Lowe pick last year, I’m not taking any risks on this one) (Matt Clement)
AL Rookie of the Year: Don’t Care
AL Manager of the Year: Mike Hargrove (Ozzie Guillen)
AL Batting Champion: Ichiro (Vladimir Guerrero)
AL Homerun Champion: David Ortiz (David Ortiz)
AL Least Valuable: Sammy Sosa (Sammy Sosa)
AL Cy Yuk: Jaret Wright (Randy Johnson)

NL East

1) Atlanta Braves
2) Florida Marlins
3) Philadelphia Phillies
4) Washington Nationals
5) New York Mets

You’re probably surprised to see that I have the Mets in last, but I’ll get to that in a split.
At the top of the NL East, in a shocker, are the Atlanta Braves - a team that I have vowed never to pick against again until they’re knocked off their perch. It’s 13 years and counting for Bobby Cox’s squad and this year they figure to be the best they’ve been in a while thanks to their signing of ace Tim Hudson.
The Braves are kind of like the bad guy in Terminator 2; they can’t be killed no matter how hard you try. Last season they had no business winning the East, but because the Marlins started slow, the Expos played 103 road games and Larry Bowa exists, they did and forced on America another boring Divisional Series played in front of a three-quarters filled Turner Field.
Nothing can stop Atlanta; not Dontrelle-Mania or a new stadium in Philly or having a guy who once played with Steve Carlton on their roster (Julio Franco). Not even moving the second best closer in the game back into the starting lineup will be enough to ruin the Braves this year. Somehow, they’ll persevere. Oh, they might start slow, which will inevitably lead to dozens of stories about whether or not this is the year the Braves finally lose, but once the dog-days of August hit, the Braves will quietly seize the NL East lead from the fading, tired Marlins – a young team, but one that will melt away in the heat of Miami’s summers – and the underachieving Phillies.
It’s been said that the NL East is the best division in baseball. If we’re talking about top to bottom, I’ll agree. Even the team that most pundits are predicting to finish in last, the brand, spanking-new Washington Nationals, isn’t that bad.
The first D.C. team in 34 years inherited a decent roster from Montreal, one that struggled last year, which was understandable considering they had to play some home games in Puerto Rico and the rest in an empty stadium with zero fan support.
The Nats boast a solid, if unspectacular, pitching staff that could be good if they stay healthy (which, they are not: Tony Armas, Jr. began the season on the 15 Day DL). Unlike The Wolfman, the Nats had trouble scoring last year, ranking near the bottom of the NL in the category.
The additions of Vinny Castilla (don’t be fooled by the fact he played for the Rockies – his road numbers were pretty solid too), Jose Guillen and a healthy Nick Johnson should give the Nats offense more pop, and likely give Brad Wilkerson a chance for more RBI opportunities (Wilkerson had 32 homers and scored 112 runs last year, but only drove in 67).
Washington’s lame-duck GM Jim Bowden did well bringing in those players, but signing former Twins shortstop Christian Guzman to a 4 year, $16 million deal was perhaps the worst signing of the off-season. Guzman is a fine fielder, but his bat makes Bob Uecker look like Johnny Bench. For some reason Frank Robinson has Guzman and his stellar .309 OBP batting second (behind Wilkerson – don’t get me started), but it’s difficult to imagine ol’ Frank keeping it that way for too long.
The team has little depth, so injuries could cripple their season, but with the Nats free agent acquisitions, 81 home games in a packed stadium filled with baseball-craving fans and a surprisingly solid rotation, Washington could hover around .500 and maybe make a run at the playoffs, likely proving the naysayers, who are predicting doom for the team’s first year, wrong.
Now what about those Mets?
They’ve been predicted to finish anywhere from first to fourth in this division (usually second or third though), but I’ve yet to see anybody put them in the cellar (a place they have finished in two of the past three years).
Yes, I know Omar Minaya is a genius – I read the New York Times Magazine article too – and how the pick-ups of Pedro and Carlos Beltran will invigorate Shea Stadium and make the Mets relevant again, but I’m not seeing how those two acquisitions are going to make a 71-win team that much better particularly with Al Leiter gone and Brandon Looper still the only option in the bullpen.
Pedro is still a great pitcher, but don’t forget that his ERA jumped 75% from 2003 to 2004, not a great thing to have happen, especially in a contract year. The jheri-curled one still has the ability to get people out (as evidenced by his 12 K opening day performance), but he’s not the dominating pitcher he once was. His season-fragility is a myth (he’s made 29 or more starts in every year but one since 1995), but his inability to go deep into games is not. Pedro only threw more than seven innings four times last year. Even when Pedro is “on” like he was in Game 3 of the World Series, he’s still not “on” like he once was. His fastball has lost velocity, the change-up isn’t as baffling (and is now his “out” pitch) and anytime his pitch count hits triple digits, it’s time to take him out.
In short: Pedro isn’t the dominating pitcher he once was, and even if he does show flashes of the Pedro of old, there’s two things working against the Mets:
1) He’s only on the mound every fifth day just like Tom Glavine, Kris Benson and Victor “BB” Zambrano. Kris Benson? And you thought they overpaid for Pedro!
2) The bullpen is weak, and since Pedro can’t finish what he starts, they’ll be in every game he pitches. That Omar Minaya spent hundreds of millions in the off-season but went into spring training with Brandon Looper as his closer is utterly inexplicable.
Someone who is on the field every day is Carlos Beltran.
First, let me say that Beltran is a great, great player. He’s a guy the scouts drool over and would call a “five-tool guy” (kind of like Duke is a “five-tool team”). He’s fast, has a great arm, can cover the field and is a solid hitter. That being said, however, Beltran still isn’t in the class of a Bonds, Pujols, Ramirez, Ortiz, Beltre or Rolen.
Beltran’s batting average and OBP are too low (.267 and .367 last year, respectively), he swings at too many bad pitches, especially in key situations (leading to a lot of strikeouts) and, keeping with the low OBP motif, he doesn’t walk enough.
Granted, Beltran showed more patience at the plate last year, but sacrificed contact for power – which is fine by me, as long as he gets on-base enough, which he does not, so it’s not fine by me… or something like that.
Understand that picking-on Beltran’s hitting weaknesses is like doing the same with Donovan McNabb’s passing weaknesses. Both are excellent at what they do, but would help their team a lot more if they could fix some of their glaring problems.
Beltran is clearly an upgrade for the Mets, but how much he’ll help a team that has some washed-up veterans (Mike Cameron, Cliff Floyd) and young-guys with great potential (David Wright, Jose Reyes) remains to be seen. Remember, for as great as he was, Beltran only lead Kansas City to a winning record once in his five seasons there.

Alright, I'm not one to brag, except that I totally am. I am the smartest man alive.
OK, maybe that Jeopardy guy and Wake Forest's Dr. Jeffrey Lerner nudge me out, but I think my prescient thoughts about the Nats chances and Beltran's undeserving contract bump me up into the upper-echelon of the world's brilliant minds. Wait, I'm behind the guy who invented TiVo also. But I digress.
I remember being reluctant to talk-up the Nats while writing this preview, thinking that it would come across as way to Bill Simmons-ish, so I settled on putting them 4th. Maybe I wanted to put them 3rd, but never expected the team to be in first at the All-Star break. As it is, I'm still holding my breath waiting for their inevitable (?) collapse. But it's been a great ride so far.
Just like with the Nats success, there were plenty of warning signs indicating that Carlos Beltran would struggle this year, namely that he was always vastly overrated, doesn't hit for average and was signed by a guy named Omar.
I'm going to stick with the Braves as the division winner (how can you not) and make no prediction about the Nats. The thought of them playing in October is just too damn exciting for my weak heart to take.

NL Central

1) St. Louis Cardinals
2) Chicago Cubs
3) Houston Astros
4) Pittsburgh Pirates
5) Cincinnati Reds
6) Milwaukee Brewers

St. Louis will pick up right where they left off last season and should cruise in the pitiful Central.
The Cubs head into the season as a question mark, which is probably better for them than the way they entered last season as favorites.
Injuries continue to plague Chicago, Mark Prior began the season on the DL, while Kerry Wood is battling bursitis in his shoulder. Carlos Zambrano and Greg Maddux will be left to hold down the fort until the aces return, which is a lot better than most teams would do if their top two starters were hurt. Zambrano gets kind of lost in the Cubs pitching shuffle, what with a former #1 pick, a flamethrower that once struck out 20 in a game and, oh, a future Hall of Famer on the roster, but he is a good pitcher in his own right. If the whole rotation is healthy (a big if), then the Cubs could challenge the Cards for the division title.
Dusty Baker will miss Moises Alou’s bat (and Sammy Sosa’s affinity for meaningless solo homeruns), but Nomar Garciaparra is due for a monster season and should see some good pitches with Aramis Ramirez behind him in the order.
I’ve never heard of four guys on Houston’s opening day lineup (Jason Lane, Willy Taveras, Chris Burke and Mitchell Friedman. Mitchell Friedman?) and that can’t bode well for the team that was a few outs away from the World Series last October.
The pitching staff will keep Houston respectable, but until Lance Berkman returns, look for another cold Astro start to the season.
All those that care about the Pirates, Reds and Brewers, I heard ESPN.com did a good preview on them.

I was right about these two things: 1) The Cards are running away with the division, and, 2) Nomar has had a monster season.

NL West

1) San Diego Padres
2) Los Angeles Dodgers
3) San Francisco Giants
4) Arizona Diamondbacks
5) Colorado Rockies

I’ll pick the Padres to win the West for the second straight season, which I guess kind of makes me like that guy that sits at the roulette wheel, plays black, loses and then keeps playing black because “it’s bound to happen at some point” but it doesn’t and he eventually loses his house, kids college savings and the fake Rolex he brought from a West African deep in the bowels of the 49th Street Subway Station in New York.
Call me crazy, but I can’t pick against a team that has a white guy who sounds black (Khalil Greene), a guy named Woody, a former Little League World Series star and the man with the best stolen base in baseball history. Plus, both The Wolfman and Scotty (the guy who jumped off a second-story balcony with an umbrella and jammed his vertebrae because he wanted to prove that what Mary Poppins did was indeed possible. So confident was he that he didn’t even bend his knees to break his fall, hence the jammed backbone) live in San Diego and can catch Padres games whenever they want, and those two would be a better good luck charm than Pedro’s little friend was for the BoSox last season.
The Dodgers won the West last year, but I can’t trust any team that has Derek Lowe as its #1 starter. I’ve seen that movie before and it was called “You Got Served (With A Slider That You’ll Hit Out of the Park)”.
The Giants are tough to call because it’s anybody’s guess how long Barry Bonds will be out. When he does return he’ll have protection in the order (thanks to Moises Alou) for the first time since Jeff Kent left the team.
Arizona will score more runs than last year (assuming Troy Glaus can stay healthy), but their pitching staff is still suspect (although Javier Vazquez will regain his pitching mojo in the desert).
And the Rockies? Well, if things start slowly, they can just hire George Karl to be their manager.

I have nothing to say here except that all this talk about the 1st-place San Diego Padres has me thinking that it's been a pretty long time since "Questions from a Wolfman" made an appearance on this site. I know you're busy Wolfman and have a new job and lady-friend, but let's pick up the pace and get on the ball here. Bum ba da bum.

National League Divisional Series
St. Louis Cardinals over San Diego Padres (St. Louis Cardinals over Florida Marlins)
Atlanta Braves over Chicago Cubs (Atlanta Braves over San Diego Padres)

National League Championship Series
Atlanta Braves over St. Louis Cardinals (If I had to make a bet on it, I'd pick the Cards, but I'm going to stick with my preseason pick)

World Series
Boston Red Sox over Atlanta Braves (Boston Red Sox over Atlanta Braves)

I didn’t want to pick the Red Sox to even make it to the World Series, but I’m not sold on the Twins and I think the Yankees are due for another meltdown. Oh man, that would be sweet; much like watching A. Rod and his Blade Runner sunglasses botch a possible game-ending double play ball yesterday afternoon and seeing Derek Jeter get knocked in the noggin with a Mike Timlin fastball. And J. Rod and all you other Yankees fans out there, don’t bother writing the e-mail where you chastise me for enjoying the sight of Derek Jeter getting hit in the head. I’m just going to delete it anyway.
On the National League side, I picked the Cubs to win the Wild Card just to aggravate the The Wolfman (and because their staff, when healthy, is amazing like Dan Dickau).
St. Louis and Atlanta will go to seven in the NLCS and Tim Hudson will out-duel his friend and former teammate Mark Mulder in the decisive game.

The Nats can easily take the Wild Card, but I just don't think it's going to happen. Strike that... I just can't believe it could happen. I'll stick with the Sox, assuming Curt Schilling stays healthy and David Wells doesn't marry Kenny Rogers.

NL MVP: Albert Pujols (Derek Lee)
NL Cy Young: Derek Lowe Tim Hudson (Roger Clemens)
NL Rookie of the Year: Still Don’t Care
NL Manager of the Year: Bruce Bochy (Frank Robinson; although he really isn't a good manager at all)
NL Batting Champion: Albert Pujos (Derek Lee)
NL Homerun Champion: Albert Pujols (Albert Pujols)
NL Least Valuable: Shawn Green (Cristian Guzman)
NL Cy Yuk: Kris Benson (Eric Milton)

Looking Back: "Indecent Proposal"

I hate John Swofford. Him and hippies. Man, do I hate hippies. But I digress. Last August I wrote John Swofford a letter detailing each of the ways he had disappointed me throughout the previous year. I then raised the Festivus Pole and competed in the Feats of Strength while recounting the charity work I did with The Human Fund.
Without further audieu, an open letter to John Swofford:

Indecent Proposal
August 20, 2004

Dear John Swofford,

I hope money can buy happiness, because after the events of the past few weeks, that might be the only shot you have.
Since you announced that the ACC would expand by three, first with Miami and Virginia Tech and then later with Boston College, the move has provided nothing but bad publicity and public outcry.
First, the University of Miami, the crown jewel of your football-based expansion effort, admitted a football player with a lengthy rap sheet. How long? Let's just say that if he as many sacks next year as he does prior arrests, he'll be first team All-American.
Of course, Willie Williams might be an All-American anyways, but I'm sure that didn't play any role in Miami's decision-making process.
Then, Virginia Tech, a school that you never wanted in the first place but only reluctantly took because the governor of the state pulled a Vito Corleone to your Jack Woltz, suspended their starting quarterback for the year after multiple arrests.
During one of said arrests, the player, Marcus Vick, was arrested with two other VT football players. I guess when your brother is Michael Vick and you play in an environment with no consequences for football players, you think you can do anything you want.
Not bad Swoff.
You sold the soul of your conference for two schools; one which heralds its non-existant integrity and the other which makes no such claims.
Then, when it seemingly couldn't get any worse for you, the ACC announced the 2004-2005 basketball schedule.
Usually, this announcement was greeted by back-page stories in newspapers throughout ACC country.
But not yesterday.
Every major paper representing an ACC school had a front-page story on Wednesday heralding the release of the basketball schedule, a schedule which didn't include the double round robin system that makes ACC basketball so special. Needless to say, people aren't too happy.

"It hasn't set in yet that we will not play in places like the Comcast Center or Smith Center [North Carolina] this season. That's the collateral damage of expansion. While we'll miss playing longtime rivals, you hope that it's counter-balanced with new rivalries against Virginia Tech and Miami."
- Skip Prosser, Wake Forest Basketball Coach

Prosser would have every reason to be happy about the new schedule. His Demon Deacons, which could be the #1 ranked team in the country in the preseason polls, don't have to play tough road games against Maryland or UNC, instead playing a home-and-home with Miami and playing at Virginia Tech.
Instead of two probable losses, Wake can look forward to three likely wins, wins which will go a long way to securing a #1 seed in the NCAA Tournament.
That Virginia Tech game will be a first for Prosser and his Wake Forest team: an easy ACC road game.
But Prosser isn't happy about it. Even though he's only coached in the league for three years, he understands the tradition and the meaning of playing each team twice. He knows that a road game against Virginia Tech won't prepare his team for the NCAA Tournament the way playing at the Comcast Center would.
And no amount of games played in Blacksburg or Coral Gables will change that.
The ACC lost something today. And Prosser, the other coaches, the players and the fans are upset for good reason. The tradition is gone.
You think Mike Kryzewski is happy that his team won't go on the road to Charlottesville, a place that has always been tough for Duke?
Or that Gary Williams is pleased that his young Terrapins won't be tested by Wake's backcourt twice during the season?
Sure, Prosser says he is looking forward to new rivalries with tradition-less basketball schools like Virginia Tech and Miami, but one can almost hear the sarcasm in Prosser's voice as he says it.
Some other lowlights of the schedule:

- Maryland will not play rival Virginia in the final game of the regular season for the first time in years. Instead, they will play their other arch-rival, the Hokies of Virginia Tech.
- Fans at Clemson and Virginia will not be able to heckle J.J. Redick and Duke.
- Wake Forest will not play at North Carolina, robbing basketball fans of a rematch of the wild opening season, triple-overtime classic in which Wake prevailed last season.
- February 2, 2005 and February 19, 2005 - Virginia Tech at Miami, Miami at Virginia Tech.
- Wake Forest, my alma mater, will not travel to College Park to play the Terrapins, thus depriving me a chance of seeing Chris Paul and company in action until, hopefully, I go to the ACC Tournament at the MCI Center. There are thousands of other people in different locations that won't be able to see their favorite team in person either.
- Three Thursday play-in games at said ACC tournament.

You've managed to ruin perfection.
I wish I could say I'm not going to watch any ACC basketball this season as a form of protest against the new schedule. But I can't do that, I love it too much.
You're not a dumb guy John. You knew there would be backlash against the basketball scheduling, that's why you announced it during the Olympics, three weeks later than the ACC usually releases the schedule.
You also know that ACC fans, like me, are loyal and will keep watching no matter how much you screw them.
While we'll complain this year, and into the future, about the schedule, you know that we also still watch the games and in time, get used to the horrible new system.
I won't like it, I never will, and I'll still talk about the good ol' days when every team played each other twice, but I'll get used to it just like when Popeye's changed their sweet & sour sauce, or The Washington Post started using color or when Capn' Crunch added green and blue crunch berries. I fear change, but I'll eventually come around.
Not today though. And not this year. ACC basketball season will never be the same because of you and your pocket-stuffing cronies in Greensboro and I can't forgive that in the blink of an eye. The resentment will always linger.
I saw that you guys just announced that Jacksonville will be the site of the ACC Football Championship Game in 2005 and 2006.
Those better be two great games. Because those 120 minutes of football are the reason you ruined the greatest basketball conference in the country.

Enjoy the money,
Chris Chase

Looking Back: "In the Pill of the Night"

After having foot surgery last August, I was laid up on the couch for a few weeks in which I mainly watched reruns of The Cosby Show, became excited about the Redskins because they were awesome in Madden 2005 and ingested enough painkillers to put a smile on Rush Limbaugh's face.
Today, as part of my continuing effort to do absolutely nothing this week, Chris's Sports Blog takes a look back at that magical time with an encore edition of "In the Pill of the Night".

August 26, 2004

In the Pill of the Night

Three days of popping pain pills has taken its toll on me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and for about three terrifying minutes this morning I actually thought that Ellen DeGeneres was funny. (I’d rather not discuss it.)
This foot surgery thing is becoming more of a nuisance than I had planned. Yeah, I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive for a few weeks while my foot’s in a cast and also figured that my recuperation would be going pretty much as it has, but I never thought there would be a situation where I would have to watch 45 minutes of Cold Pizza because I dozed off while watching ESPN2 earlier in the night and upon waking up couldn’t move the two feet necessary to get the remote. Finally, I bit the bullet and sacrificed my foot to change the channel after this one guy on the show who calls himself Kane (dude, come on) started interviewing Isaiah Thomas and sucked up to him like he was Ahmad Rashad on ecstasy interviewing MJ.
I had never watched Cold Pizza before, and I’m thinking that was a pretty good decision. It was like a cross between The Best Damn Sports Show Period and the morning announcements at a local high school.
There’s been some other ill effects of the medicinal alleviation.
Which is more disturbing:
1) That I have been staring at a blank computer screen for 20 minutes thinking of something to write, and all I have put down (and erased numerous times) has been, “Diving: Dumb, Stupid or Both?”
or
2) Losing 24-6 to the Texans in Madden on Pro level, which I had switched back to after All-Pro proved to be too difficult, what, with my engaging eight every down on defense and running Clinton Portis on a halfback-counter for 16 consecutive plays on the other side of the ball.
Ahh, but now the foot is starting to act up again, so I’m going to retreat back to the couch, wait until midnight-thirty so I can take my Oxycontin again, elevate my foot, and flip on the TV to see what obscure Olympic sport is on Bravo.
I’m sure I’ll have some thoughts throughout the night, so I’ll grab the computer when necessary.

1:01 a.m. - Why a hammer throw? Who decided that one? Out of all the things to throw, I’m sure they could have come up with something better than a hammer. Who throws a hammer? They should have made the object something that people actually throw, like beer bottles, the remote control or the 1919 World Series. How much cooler would it be if Tom Hammond sent it down to Dwight Stones for the 19-inch TV throw? 53 times cooler, I’d say. And do screwdrivers and saws and wrenches get jealous? Does the hammer make fun of them in the tool shed?

1:19 a.m. - In the last 40 games the four teams contending for the A.L. Wild Card spot are a combined 33-7. (Three of those teams are contending for the A.L. West title, also.) Oakland and Boston have gone 8-2 over that stretch, only to lose ground to Anaheim, a team that has reeled off eight straight wins. That’s amazing. Three weeks ago, it looked like 89 wins would be all it took to grab the Wild Card. Now, it will probably take 95 to do it. Too much thinking. Back to Detroit Rock City and Greco-Roman Wrestling.

1:41 a.m. - By the way, if you haven’t noticed, the top of this page has changed, thanks to Blogger. Instead of ads, there is now a search bar that can be used to search through the archives to this blog. I’ll probably be the only person to get use out of it, but itR