Weekend Headline Review

Danica Patrick Finishes 4th in Indy 500
For a brief moment on Sunday afternoon, Danica Patrick did the unthinkable: She made auto racing exciting.
I know, I thought it was impossible too, but watching the young Miss Patrick hold the lead while trying to conserve fuel on Sunday was about as good as any kind of car racing can get.
I haven't had that much fun watching a car turn left since I was in the backseat of my sister's 1983 Cadillac Cimarron when she managed to turn a simple trip to the local pool into a driving tour of Southeast DC.
Still though, I'm reluctant to view Danica's quasi-achievement (she still did come in 4th) as a watershed moment in the gender equity of sports. Finishing 4th at Indy is hardly Billie Jean King beating Bobby Riggs.
First of all, Patrick didn't win. Leading the race is nice; it's historic and it was great for TV ratings (Patrick's scores of interviews leading up to the race helped improve ratings 40% over last year), but she still didn't win. Maybe her and Michelle Wie can hang out.
Secondly, although I'm sure turning left for 500 miles is somewhat taxing on the mind and body (I 'd imagine driving 500 miles south on I-95 the Friday before Memorial Day is a whole lot harder though), it isn't really an athletic endeavor.
There's no reason a man should be better than a woman at turning left in a racecar. This isn't tennis, swimming, track, basketball, baseball, golf or football - sports where men are at a decided advantage due to their physical traits. This is stepping on a petal and turning the wheel. Why shouldn't Danica Patrick be able to compete? In fact, she might have an advantage, as Robby Gordon suggested last week.
Danica weighs about a buck-oh-five, which is at least 60 pounds lighter than all her competition. Since all racecars are required to hit a minimum weight without the driver, Patrick's car weighs substantially less than every other car on the track when she steps in. I'm not saying this is unfair, but it is certainly advantageous for Danica or Lindsay Lohan.
It was a nice ride on Sunday and Patrick's star has been launched. However, unless she switches to NASCAR, that star won't rise at all. Racing in the Indy Circuit is like riding in the Tour de France - it's a once-a-year story. Make the switch to the hillbilly league and soon Patrick will be the one singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" at Wrigley Stadium and wearing a Jack Daniels logo proudly across her chest.

Suns Win Game 4
Hearing Gregg Popovich declare that his Spurs team would be in trouble if they lost Game 4 at home to Phoenix was eerily reminiscent of Derek Jeter's similar proclamation last October before Game 4 of the ALCS. Granted, the Suns aren't as good as the Red Sox were and the Spurs don't have Tanyon Sturtze, but giving a good team a glimmer of hope in a playoff series most assumed was over is never a good thing.
Last night's shocking result had to be demoralizing for a Spurs team that dropped just three homes games all season, particularly when it came against a team whose season they had essentialy ended just 48 hours before.
But, as Alan Thicke has continually demonstrated throughout his career, there is no quit in Canadians.
Tim Duncan and the Spurs can't be happy about going back to Phoenix for Game 5. They escaped with two wins in the desert after Steve Nash and the Suns could never seem to hit the key shot they had been making all season.
San Antonio still is the superior team, of course, and will still win. But they should be nervous about the next game, which they never expected to play.

Johns Hopkins Wins NCAA Lax Championship
Hopkins, in winning their first title since 1987, held Duke scoreless in the game's final 37:12. I bet the Blue Devils really missed Shavlik Randolph in the middle.

Dwayne's Day

As I was pouring my cup of coffee this morning I was thinking about what I would write in this space about Dwayne Wade's phenomenal Game 2 performance in the Eastern Conference Finals.
Would I begin by discussing his jump-step, spin-move, backwards lay-up that he hit while falling back down to the court? Or the impossible ally-oop he made look routine? There were so many options. But then I sat down at the kitchen table and unfolded The Washington Post and read Amy Shipley's article on the sports front. After reading down to the jump, I realized I wasn't the only one trying to figure out how to put D. Wade's amazing effort into words:

MIAMI, May 25 -- Surely television producers will agonize over which Dwyane Wade highlight to re-run the most after the Miami Heat's 92-86 victory over the Detroit Pistons in Game 2 of the Eastern Conference finals Wednesday night.
Was it the double-pumping, whirlybird, left-handed layup in traffic? Was it the soaring dunk on an alley-oop pass that he finished by raising his right hand as if to salute the crowd -- while still hanging on the rim? Was it the leaping block of a Chauncey Billups's three-point attempt -- from behind Billups?
Wade all but single-handedly evened this series, which resumes Sunday in Detroit, with a 40-point performance that included a dominant, artistic and, for the Pistons, back-breaking fourth quarter during which Wade scored 20 of his team's 30 points.
As Detroit tried to steal another game on Miami's home court, Wade did what he failed to do in Game 1: He masterminded the victory. And, for good measure, he did it with style. The final seconds ticked off appropriately: The crowd at American Airlines Arena slipped into pandemonium as Wade took a rebound the length of the court for a soaring dunk with one second left.
"He did a tremendous job," Pistons Coach Larry Brown said. "He's phenomenal in every way."
Consider the circumstances: When Wade took over, Detroit had just obliterated a 14-point Heat lead with a blizzard of long-range shots -- including seven straight three-pointers. Miami seemed to be following the blueprint of its Game 1 defeat, cowering in the closing minutes. And Wade had taken a beating for his poor performance Monday, when the Pistons harassed and frustrated him.

That pretty much says it all. The only thing Shipley left out was that Wade's game-ending dunk had an Air Jordan-esque feel; the young guard even kicked his legs out MJ-style in an obvious homage to the greatest basketball player of all-time. The only thing Wade didn't do was stick out his tongue. But that would have been just too damn obvious.
After blowing a 12-point lead in the third quarter, the Heat entered the fourth down one to Detroit in the most pivotal game in franchise history: Lose, and the series was as good as over; win and salvage a split at home, but still face the daunting prospect of winning at least two in Motown.
Enter Dwayne Wade.
Since Stan Van Gundy refuses to go to Shaquille O'Neal in the fourth quarter for fear of the Hack-a-Shaq, it was up to the second-year guard to save the season. Twenty points and countless jaw-dropping, call-your-boys-and-ask-if-they-just-saw-that plays later, Wade had done just that.
In the post-game show on TNT Kenny Smith said, "great players have short memories". He was, of course, referring to Wade's dismal 7-25 night in Game 1, a performance that left many in the media questioning whether Wade's scintillating play against the Nets and Bullets was more the result of weak opponents, rather than talent.
After last night, it seems that DWade's Game 1 struggles were more about having an off-night than anything the Pistons did defensively.
In dropping 40 on the best defensive team in the NBA and single-handedly keeping his team alive in this series, Wade showed he is, indeed, the best non-big man in the NBA and that years from now it could be 'Bron and Dwayne ruling the NBA instead of 'Bron and 'Melo, like most of us believed just six months ago.
Wade's heroics notwithstanding, Detroit is still in control of this series (which now becomes a best three-out-of-five; four of which will be played in Auburn Hills). As Charles Barkley said last night on TNT, the Heat dominated the game's first 30 minutes yet found themselves tied with the Pistons midway through the 3rd.
I don't buy that Detroit can turn it on and off like the Bulls and Lakers teams of old (they wouldn't have struggled in Game 6 against Indiana if that were the case), but the Pistons know they're the superior team and, after yesterday, it's clear that it will take Herculean efforts from either Wade or Shaq to prevent Larry Brown's club from making their second straight appearance in the NBA Finals.
But after watching last night's game, I don't think anybody's about to bet against Dwayne Wade.

The Lottery

Put away the Powerball tickets, scratch-offs and dog-eared copies of Shirley Jackson's The Lottery (which does not contain any hints on how to win the lottery, but is, rather, a chilling tale of conformity gone mad). I'm looking at you, Elgin Baylor. None of that will help tonight in the 21st NBA Draft Lottery.
Unless you're a team from New York deseperately in need of a big man from the Caribbean, a team from San Antonio desperately in need of a big man from the Caribbean or the Orlando Magic, there's nothing you can do to improve your chances at winning the NBA's ridiculous pre-draft exercise. It's a crapshoot, just like craps. And eating at California-area Wendy's locations.
That a major sports league determines their draft order during a glorified game of Bingo, yet receives little criticism for it, is as puzzling as the popularity of "Hollaback Girl", without the creepy Harajuku girls.
How can this be? Does there really need to be a system in place to ensure that the Atlanta Hawks don't intentionally lose games so they can get the #1 pick? Aren't we giving the Hawks a little too much credit here? In order to intentionally lose games, a team must be able to intentionally win games, and the Hawks obviously can't do that. We're not dealing with the 1919 White Sox. The Hawks don't need to try to lose, they do that very well on their own.
The lottery, developed in 1985 to give Patrick Ewing to the Knicks, has run its course and should be abolished. That the Minnesota Timberwolves, a team that finished the season six games over .500 has a chance, albeit small, to win the lottery over the Hawks (56 games under .500) is a bigger joke than the one about the Pope and Raquel Welch on a lifeboat. No other major sports league has a lottery, why should the NBA be so special? Because their playoff games get beat in the ratings by UPN? I think not.
Still, the lottery is here to stay and, lacking anything better to write about, today I'll be projecting the order of the 2005 NBA Draft. Keep in mind, there are 2,184 different scenarios, so if I get this right I'm going to make those Derby superfecta winners look like a bunch of suckers.
Onto the list:

#14 Minnesota Timberwolves
Kevin Garnett surely wouldn't mind sneaking into the top three after a down year. And, after playing with Latrell Sprewell for two seasons, one would think he deserves it. But the T-Wolves miniscule odds (0.5% chance of snagging the top pick) mean that Kevin McHale will be forced to put on a happy face as he figures out which college senior he wants to take: Joey Graham, Wayne Simien or Hakim Warrick.

#13 Charlotte Bobcats
The Bobcats have two lottery picks and will probably take a risk on a European player here, particularly if they land in the top three with their other pick and get Marvin Williams or Chris Paul. That could be a nice fit because, as they say, Charlotte is the Dunkerque of the South.

#12 Los Angeles Clippers
D.C.'s own Elgin Baylor averaged 27 points and 13 rebounds during his Hall of Fame NBA career, but the only thing people will remember about him is sitting at the Clippers desk during the lottery with his way-too-black-hair-for-a-man-in-his-seventies and that forced grin when his team would get knocked out of the top spot by a team that missed the playoffs by two games.

#11 Orlando Magic
Alright, who was aware that a guy named Chris Jent was coaching the Magic for their final 25 games? I guarantee DeShawn Stevenson had no clue. And way to go with the Brian Hill hire. Why go through the trouble of hiring Hill when they could have called George Stephanopoulos, Hootie and Marcia Clark, thrown a few Arch Deluxes on the grill, grabbed a few Zimas and celebrated the 10th anniversary of 1995 in style.

#10 Los Angeles Lakers
Let's say the Lakers sneak into the top three and Chris Paul falls to them. Do I have to start rooting for the Lakers, or do I have to start hating on Chris Paul? There really is no middle-ground on this one.

#9 Golden State Warriors
Why does nobody make fun of the fact that this team is called the Golden State Warriors? This is almost as lame as Real Salt Lake. The only thing Real about Salt Lake is the absence of liquor.

#8 New York Knicks
Chris Taft possesses the size, athleticism, power and potential to be a tremendous bust that Isiah Thomas looks for in all players.

#7 Toronto Raptors
Still a chalk lottery. That's going to leave a lot of filler time for Snapper Jones.

#6 Milwaukee Bucks
I recently read a scouting report about Chris Paul that called him "T.J. Ford with a jumpshot", which is kind of like saying Erick Dampier is "Shaq minus the talent."

#5 Portland Trail Blazers
Citing the lack of weed-smoking head-cases in this year's draft, Portland will complete a three-way trade with the Celtics and Raptors in exchange for Ricky Davis and Rafer Alston.

#4 New Orleans Hornets
The Hornets actually have the second-best chance at receiving the #1 pick, but since George Shinn has made Donald Sterling look like Jack Kent Cooke, don't expect any favors from the NBA.

#3 Atlanta Hawks
About 12 people in Atlanta will be disappointed that the Hawks, with a 25% chance of winning the lottery, will come up short. The other 424,986 people in the city will be too busy not going to Braves games and reminding people that they had the Olympics nine years ago.

#2 Utah Jazz
The Jazz move up to #2 after finishing with the 4th worst record in the league, which leaves...

#1 Charlotte Bobcats
I'm kind of going against my whole "this thing is rigged" motif because Charlotte could likely get their man (Wake Forest's Chris Paul) at #2 or #3, depending on who picks in front of them. But, the thought of Paul and Emeka Okafor running things in Charlotte, in the same division as the Heat, the upstart Wizards and Dwight Howard and the Magic, will be too much for David "El Jefe" Stern to pass up.

Teri Hatcher Looks Great on HDTV

No post today because I'm still reeling after the disappointment that was the Desperate Housewives season finale.
Come on... that was the secret? I had that figured out back in March, and I'm not exactly Sherlock Holmes. As for the cliffhanger, good work Marc Cherry. How big was that cliff, a few cubits short of a rod?
At least Sunday brought the hopeful end to all discussion of Michelle Wie's golf prowess, now that another youngster has actually, gasp, won something. Imagine that - winning an actual LPGA golf tournament before receiving an immense amount of hype. It's kooky talk, I say.

Chris Answers PTI's Questions

Are the Suns back in control?
On some level, the Suns have always been in control of this series because they have the home-court advantage. And with their win Wednesday, Phoenix will play a Game 7 at home if they can’t close-out the series tonight in Dallas.
That will be a moot point if the Mavs allows Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire to combine for 67 points and 31 rebounds, as they did in Game 5. (The duo’s point and rebound total was more than Jason Terry, Dirk Nowitzki, Erick Dampier and Michael Finley had combined - those four Dalas starters had 60 and 26.) So much for the whole “let Nash get his points and contain Amare” theory that had worked so well in Game 4.
Speaking of which: Avery Johnson’s plan to defend Nash straight-up and double-team Stoudemire, thus forcing Nash to hoist up shots instead of dishing assists, was obvious from the opening minutes of Game 4. It was a great strategy, and worked to perfection. There was also no doubt as to what the Mavericks were doing defensively.
That being said, why did Dallas feel the need to boast about it so much?

We felt that if we could allow [Nash] to score and not have all those other guys become involved in the offense, it would give us a better chance to win the game. – Jerry Stackhouse

[Letting Nash score] was the idea. We’re a whole lot better off staying with our men than letting him pass them the ball. – Josh Howard

Again, Johnson’s defensive switch wasn’t exactly the invasion of Normandy, and no matter what they said afterwards, the Suns coaching staff would have prepared for the same schemes in Game 5. But, again, why keep talking about it if you're Dallas? It’s not like this is the NFL playoffs where you win and you’re done; the Mavs still had to play a best two-out-of-three with Phoenix. Why give them so much bulletin-board material?
Stop the self-congratulatory nonsense and go play.
I think they will tonight and force a decisive Game 7 which Phoenix will win easily at home.

Is the NBA headed for a lockout?
Since Wilbon ripped into Billy Hunter for playing the race card after being questioned about standing up to David Stern, I’ll leave that one alone.
Without getting too much into it, the owners might lockout the players come July 1, but by training camp everything will be settled and the NBA won’t be forced to cancel any games.
After the ruckus over Latrell Sprewell’s inane comment about needing money to feed his family, NBA players realize that any labor dispute over money will make them look petty and greedy in the eyes of America. They won’t risk it and will cave into the owners demands. Hopefully that will mean the NBA will institute the 20-year old age limit and prep sensation Greg Oden can spend two years at Wake Forest (long rumored to be his top college choice, should the NBA ban teenagers).

Do you miss Barry Bonds?
Here is a list of things I miss: Redskins games at RFK, Falco, Capn’ Crunch with Crunch Berries when there were only red crunch berries instead of this amalgam of crunch berry colors that currently populate the cereal, Ed, Charley Steiner hosting Sportscenter, the ability that I had in college to stay up and watch late-night NBA Playoff games, Chappelle’s Show, Jon Miller, Popeye’s old sweet & sour sauce, Norm MacDonald hosting ‘Weekend Update’, Roy Rogers (the fast-food chain, not the actual Roy Rogers… OK, I guess on some level I miss the actual Roy Rogers, but I’m talking about the restaurant with that great Fixin’s Bar and those awesome Hardee’s cinnamon-raisin biscuits), Santos L. Halper, The Fugees, John McClane, when The Simpsons was funny, Art Monk, Bonkers, Baseball Tonight before Jeff Brantley, John Kruk and “Leading Off”, Michael Jordan in the playoffs and my taste for Grand Marnier.
As you can see, Barry Bonds isn’t on the list.

Will the Browns try to get money back from Kellen Winslow?
If anyone in the Cleveland front office had any stones, they’d go over Winslow’s contract with a fine-tooth comb and make him give back every cent he forfeited the second he got on a motorcycle. Then they should sit him out for the remaining length of the contract just for spite.
But, because Winslow was such a high draft pick and they have so much invested in him, the Browns will probably be content to let the loss of incentive money serve as a warning and wait for Winslow to return in 2006 just in time for another 5-11 season and a freak lion-taming accident.

Is Onterrio Smith’s career over?
Facing a one year suspension after a third positive drug test, Onterrio Smith has almost definitely played his final game in Minnesota. He might catch-on somewhere else (are the Trail Blazers hiring?), but, for all intents and purposes, Smith's career just went up in a cloud of smoke. (Sadly, the lame pun was intended.)
The suspension, of course, means Smith will lose his $600,000 salary, which begs the question: Onterrio, was smoking weed really worth losing over half-a-million, your reputation and any chance you had at becoming a star in the NFL? I hope that was some real sticky-icky-icky, bud.

Over/Under
4th place finish for Giacomo in The Preakness?
Over, but only because Andy Beyer says so. The Washington Post horse racing guru thinks Giacomo is a bum and was the beneficiary of a suicidal pace at the Derby. Beyer picked Greeley’s Galaxy, by the way.

Six more games for Shaq in the playoffs?
Over. Shaq’s injured, sure, but does anybody really think he wouldn’t have played in Games 3 and 4 versus Washington had the Bullets posed any real threat to Miami? Shaq might only be at 70% for the Pistons series, but he’ll play in all six games of the series.
That would be a push then.
Who says the Pistons are going to win?

One more game for Kwame Brown in his career with the Bullets?
Under. Kwame has as much chance of coming back to Washington as Richard Nixon. He’s burned so many bridges in Washington – with the management, coaches, teammates, fans and media – that it would be impossible for him to return and become a player that will be worth the $20 million contract he will likely receive this off-season. If Ernie Grunfeld is lucky, he’ll be able to complete a sign-and-trade, but if not, it’s time for both Kwame and Washington to get a new start.
Flame on!

90 wins for the San Diego Padres?
Over. For the second straight year my preseason pick in the NL West was the Padres. I just thought I’d get some mileage out of that while they’re still in first.
The San Diego pitching staff is vastly underrated and, in a weakening West, they can get to 93 wins and snag the division crown.

$150 million opening weekend for the new Star Wars?
Under ($136.5 million), but I thought I made my thoughts quite clear about this yesterday. In case you didn't read my rant, it follows in its entirety: Am I the only one who thinks these movies suck? Have you heard the dialogue, it sounds like the author of the Dick and Jane series expanded the books to a 120-page screenplay. The acting is the only thing worse than the script, which is the only thing worse than Hayden Christensen. OK, I don't really know that for a fact since I didn't see the last movie, but in the blurb I saw about the movie on HBO it looked like Christensen was getting out-acted by the green screen. And I don't mean to bring up the elephant standing in the room, but Natalie Portman isn't even that hot. Just because she looked like she had potential in The Professional doesn't mean we still have to pretend like she's attractive. This goes for the Olsen twins as well, by the way. And what the hell is Jimmy Smits doing in this movie? I thought he died with Sipowicz at his bedside? Nice casting George Lucas. What, Ricky from Silver Spoons was busy? Speaking of Lucas, I still can't believe people are still getting fleeced by that silver moose. The first new movie was terrible. I haven't had that bad a time at the movies since a spring on a broken seat I was sitting on made Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure not nearly as excellent for me. This one is going to be terrible too. I'm not fooled by the positive reviews, movie reviewers are the biggest movie geeks there are and most of them probably became movie critics because they loved the original Star Wars and they're only giving this a great write-up because they want to love it. Seriously, read some of the reviews. They all go like this: "This movie is awesome! Except for the fact that the lines are crap, the acting is wooden and nobody knows with a Sith is." Sounds like a rave to me. And speaking of the original Star Wars, since when did we start calling that A New Hope? Was there a memo? Because when it first came out it was just called regular old Star Wars. You don't see Speilberg going back and renaming his shark movie Jaws: This Sucka Eats People now do you? Thank goodness this is the last Star Wars movie, although, seeing as how the only thing George Lucas possesses that is more powerful than his crappy writing gene is greed, I wouldn't be surprised to see Episodes 7 through 9 by about 2011.
I'm done now.

Big Finish
Grant Hill NBA’s top sportsman?
If by sportsman you mean ‘guy whose never made it out of the first round’, then yes.

Pete Rose supports Bud Selig’s tough stance on steroids?
Pete Rose will suck up to Bud Selig in any way he can. Just last month Rose offered to do Selig’s taxes, until Pete remembered that he doesn’t do taxes.

Braves booted Danny Kolb out of the closer role?
If people in Atlanta don’t care about the Braves, then why should I? Let’s talking about something that everyone can get on board with. I am, of course, talking about Shakira’s new video for “La Tortura”. I saw this on my cousin’s new 55-inch HDTV last weekend and, let me say, “es bueno”. If shaking your hips and chest is an art, then, ladies and gentleman, meet your new Van Gogh.
Seriously, it wasn’t until the seventh time I saw the video that I first realized there was even a song playing in the background. Do yourself a favor; call your local cable operator, get MTV Espanol, buy some Coronas and salsa, take a few days off work and bathe in the healing light of Shakira’s hips.

Is Jeff Bzdelik a good hire by Air Force?
Umm, sure. More importantly, have you seen the video of the Minnesota deputy who was hit by a truck and somehow escaped with minor injuries? After seeing this, I think I can speak for us all when I say, “thank goodness it wasn’t Tony Danza.”

Will tonight be Reggie Miller’s last game in the NBA?
After he drained that three in Rip Hamilton’s face with two minutes left, I would have bet the farm on Reggie playing Saturday in Game 7. Unfortunately reality set in, the Pistons broke away and Reggie finished up a solid career in the only city he’s ever called home (professionally, at least).

Chris Answers PTI's Questions is an occasional feature on this site.

Streak Thoughts, Bath and Beyond

Finishing up yesterday's list of the Top 10 Individual Streaks in Sports History here are some of the other streaks I had considered for use on the list:

- Johnny Unitas - 47 straight games throwing a touchdown pass.
- Johnny Vandermeer - Two straight no-hitters
- Chris Evert - 15 consecutive years with at least one Grand Slam victory.
- Barry Sanders - 14 straight 100-yard rushing games
- Carl Hubbell - 24 straight victories
- Eric Gagne - 84 straight saves

Gouverneur's own Craig thinks Sanders' streak deserves a place on the list, writing:

No one else has even had that many 100 yard games in a season. He did it over the final 14 games with a team trying to make the playoffs. Plus, Scott Mitchell was the quarterback, meaning teams weren't playing too many dime defenses.

I did consider Sanders, and probably should have stuck him in ahead of Gretzky, but then I would have had to endure the wrath of other Canadians, eh, Craig? I don't know why, but there's something I have against all football records, which segues nicely into the next comment by Phil from Baltimore.

Two I would have considered:- Johnny Unitas threw at least one touchdown pass in 47 straight games. Even with higher scoring in the modern era, no one else has come close. Marino, Montana, Elway, Peyton, and Favre have all thrown a lot of TD passes but none has even exceeded 35.
Johnny Van der Meer threw 2 consecutive no-hitters. I doubt anyone will ever break that. Certainly more impressive than Cal limping out to third base and batting .230 for several years just to sell tickets.

OK, first things first Phil. I know that you, like the Wolfman, are one of those fans who hates on your favorite team's biggest star (The Wolfman hates Ditka, but loves Mike Tomczak. Go figure), but that's no reason to bash Cal.
Alright, Cal hung around a little too long. But it's not like the O's had anyone better on the bench, unless you think Manny Alexander and Ryan Minor really could have made it big if they had just been given a shot. And by the way, the lowest batting average Cal had during The Streak was in 1990 when he hit .250. Of course, he followed that up in 1991 with an MVP Award. But I digress.
Both of your suggestions appeared on the first-draft of my list, but were knocked out when I remembered that tennis was once a great sport to watch and that Wayne Gretzky had to go somewhere (ironically, it was because of you that I put Gretzky on. In Chris's Sports Blog system of checks and balance you're my hockey conscience).
The reason I took off Vandermeer's amazing achievement (which, you're correct, is the most unbreakable of all unbreakable records since it would take three no-hitters in a row to beat) is because I don't consider any streak of two to be a worthy streak. Think about it this way: Back in college, if you brought a different lady back to Cherry St. two nights in a row, that's just a good weekend. But if you got some action three nights in a row? Well that, my friend, is a streak.
I can't argue with you about Unitas, so I'll just say this: I thought about putting him high on my list, but for some reason I'm just not that impressed with the record. I'm almost definitely wrong about this, but, like I said earlier, football records just don't wow me. The game has changed so much since its humble beginnings that, unlike with baseball, it's nearly impossible to compare two different eras.
NBA Draft expert and regular comment-leaver Cammo takes issue with my #1 streak:

DiMaggio's streak is vastly superior to Tigers. Hitting safely in that many games my be the one record never to be broken. Tiger would be like 3 or 4 on my list.

As I said yesterday, I won't argue against DiMaggio, sort of the same way I wouldn't have argued against Shaq for the MVP award this year, despite the fact that I would have voted for Steve Nash. But I do think that Tiger's cut-streak is wildly underrated and will only get its due when it becomes apparent that, like DiMaggio's record, nobody will come close to topping it.
Klinny thinks I missed one streak entirely:

How about Sean Taylor ignoring Joe Gibbs's phone calls for nearly two months now. Now that takes some gumption!

He's right. I have no excuse, I just totally missed that one. On my revised list, Sean Taylor ignoring Joe Gibbs for 60 straight days will be the #2 on my list of Top 10 Greatest Individual Streaks in Sports History, just behind my #1 choice: Derek Jeter - 5,379 effeminate at-bats.

Headlines

Winslow Reportedly Out for Season
The Redskins don't deserve any good fortune, Dan Snydbrenner has made sure of that. But even the most ardent Snydbrenner haters have to admit that the Redskins luck is as bad as their regular season record.
In the 2004 NFL Draft the Redskins chose between Sean Taylor and Kellen Winslow Jr. One is out for the season after wiping out on a motorcycle he didn't know how to ride, didn't have a license for and didn't wear a helmet on. The other is chillin' in South Beach, dodging phone calls from a Hall of Fame coach, griping about a rookie contract that he signed after firing his agent twice, skipping voluntarily workouts and chatting up my man Ian.
If the 'Skins had to do it all over again, maybe they could have taken Dunta Robinson or Jonathan Vilma, although at this point both would probably be doing 30 to life for knocking off a few liquor stores if the Redskins had even flown them in for a visit.

Kansas Guard J.R. Giddens Stabbed in Leg
Stabbed in the leg? What the hell was he doing, hanging out in the "Beat It" video?

New Star Wars Movie Opens Today
Even though this might get me blacklisted by movie geeks nationwide, I have to speak my mind: I am the only one who thinks these movies suck? Have you heard the dialogue, it sounds like the author of Dick and Jane expanded the series to a 120-page screenplay. The acting is the only thing worse than the script, which is the only thing worse than Hayden Christensen. OK, I don't really know that for a fact since I didn't see the last movie, but in the blurb I saw about the movie on HBO it looked like Christensen was getting out-acted by the green screen. And I don't mean to bring up the elephant standing in the room, but Natalie Portman isn't even that hot. Just because she looked like she had potential in The Professional doesn't mean we still have to pretend like she's attractive. This goes for the Olsen twins as well, by the way. And what the hell is Jimmy Smits doing in this movie? I thought he died with Sipowicz at his bedside? Nice casting George Lucas. What, Ricky from Silver Spoons was busy? Speaking of Lucas, I still can't believe people are still getting fleeced by that silver moose. The first new movie was terrible. I haven't had that bad a time at the movies since a spring on a broken seat I was sitting on made Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure not nearly as excellent for me. This one is going to be terrible too. I'm not fooled by the positive reviews, movie reviewers are the biggest movie geeks there are and most of them probably became movie critics because they loved the original Star Wars and they're only giving this a great write-up because they want to love it. Seriously, read some of the reviews. They all go like this: "This movie is awesome! Except for the fact that the lines are crap, the acting is wooden and nobody knows with a Sith is." Sounds like a rave to me. And speaking of the original Star Wars, since when did we start calling that A New Hope? Was there a memo? Because when it first came out it was just called regular old Star Wars. You don't see Speilberg going back and renaming his shark movie Jaws: This Sucka Eats People now do you? Thank goodness this is the last Star Wars movie, although, seeing as how the only thing George Lucas possesses that is more powerful than his crappy writing gene is greed, I wouldn't be surprised to see Episodes 7 through 9 by about 2011.
I'm done now.

Top 10 Greatest Individual Streaks in Sports History

This post has been delayed more than the third season of Chappelle’s Show so, without further adieu, the top 10 greatest individual streaks in sports history:

10) Orel Hershiser – 59 consecutive scoreless innings (1988)
One of the most cherished of all baseball records, Hershiser gets extra credit for accomplishing this amazing feat in the midst of a pennant race.
Some might think #10 is a bit low for this record, especially considering that no player since has come within 25 innings of topping it, but three factors lead to Orel bringing up the rear:
1) Hershiser beat Don Drysdale’s previous record by just one-third of an inning.
2) Playing in L.A., Hershiser had the tremendous advantage of pitching home games at Dodgers Stadium, long the best pitcher's park in the Majors.
3) Once the ball leaves a pitcher’s hands, his work is just about finished. Any pitcher’s streak can become undone by a throwing error, particularly keen piece of hitting or any other number of fluke occurrences.
Don’t get me wrong, Hershiser was brilliant throughout his 59 scoreless (34 Ks, 9 BBs, 30 hits), but his defense also deserves a lot of credit.

9) Wayne Gretzky – 51 consecutive games with a point
Gather ‘round children, and let me tell you a tale of a once great sports league called the NHL. Well, it was never really great, but it sounds better that way, doesn’t it?
Anyway, back before the turn of the century the NHL was one of the biggest sports leagues in the world and a game named “hockey” was as big as basketball in some parts of our country. But then, the greediness of the owners and players became too much for the sport to bear and the NHL quickly drowned in a sea of red.
Overzealous expansion and plummeting attendance defined the league’s last decade, the death knell sounding when the NHL signed a TV deal on par with what Arena Football got from NBC. With the game dominated by guys with dozens of vowels and syllables in their names and teams from Florida winning the once prestigious Stanley Cup, hockey was as close to death as Keith Richards. A lengthy strike followed and soon the only thing people could remember about hockey was that it was played on ice and a guy named Frank Gretzky once dominated the sport.
Wait… Frank? I think Frank Gretzky is my mother’s chiropodist.
Anyway, there was this guy named Gretzky who was the Michael Jordan of his sport – no Billy, he wasn’t black – and once scored a point (that’s a goal or an assist, kids) in 51 consecutive games to start the 1983-1984 season. It might have been a big deal at the time, but I wouldn’t really know. I was too busy watching Miami Vice.

8) Greg Maddux – 17 consecutive seasons with 15 or more wins
This record gets kind of lost in the shuffle, especially with homerun records falling faster than Paris Hilton’s drawers. But Maddux’s record is a testament to consistency and durability.
Don’t think this is an impressive streak? Consider this: Since 1992 the most consecutive 15-win seasons Roger Clemens has is two.

7) Cal Ripken, Jr. – 2,632 consecutive games played
We’re getting into hallowed territory here; Ripken’s streak is the second-most revered in baseball history and, along with the homerun chase of 1998, is widely credited with bringing baseball back after the crippling 1994 strike.
I’m as surprised as you that The Streak is this low, but in the end I decided to reward athlete’s whose streaks were based more on performance than durability (well, mostly). This takes nothing away from The Streak, mind you, it will never be surpassed, and it’s probably safe to say that nobody will ever get halfway there in our lifetime.
Consider:
- During The Streak, only one player in the majors even stayed on the same team (Tony Gwynn) and just 18 were active when the streak both began and ended.
- Ripken played 8,243 consecutive innings in 904 straight games during The Streak. Those 904 games would rank 6th all-time on the consecutive games played list.
- The longest current consecutive games streak belongs to Miguel Tejada who has played in 794 straight (the longest streak to begin after Cal since Steve Garvey). Tejada would have to make it to 2016 in order to best Ripken’s streak and the current Orioles shortstop has played just 293 more consecutive games than Ripken did after he broke Gherig’s record.

6) Brett Favre – 208 consecutive games started at quarterback
I can hear the protests from The Wolfman already. But even he has to admit that playing QB is a tad more difficult than playing shortstop. Favre has Beamon'd Ron Jaworski’s previous record of 116, while still maintaining a high quality of play at QB. Factor in that Favre simply loves to play the game and seems to have the energy or a rambunctious youth, and you’ve got the whole package folks. I love you Brett Favre.

5) Martina Navratilova – 74 consecutive wins
Earlier today I posed the following question to the two tennis experts I know; my sister Stephanie and Spiro, Chris’s Sports Blog resident UVA expert. Both played tennis at the collegiate level, so I value their opinions much more than mine, which consist of knowing that Maria Sharapova’s skirt flies the highest when she hits her two-handed backhand.
The question:

What’s the most impressive:
1. Martina wins 74 straight
2. Martina wins six straight Wimbledons
3. Borg wins five straight Wimbledons
4. Chris Evert wins 122 straight clay court matches
Even though the Wimbledons seem the most impressive, the fact that Martina started her streak the year after Borg’s was snapped indicates that maybe neither were as impressive as we’d consider them today… I’m actually leaning towards Chrissy’s because it is simply so dominating.

Both Spiro and Steph agreed that the Wimbledons, because of the fact that it only took 36 and 30 wins for Navratilova and Borg to, respectively, accomplish, are immediately out.
Just like me, both had a tougher time deciding between Evert and Navratilova, but each ended up declaring that Navratilova’s streak was most impressive because of the fact that it likely took place on all surfaces.
And, indeed, after some fact-checking, they were proved correct. Martina’s streak began in January of 1984 and included wins at the French, Wimbledon and U.S. Open, meaning Navratilova won matches on clay, grass and hard courts during her run (she also won indoors).
Helena Sukova ended the streak at the Australian Open that December (the Australian was the final leg of the Grand Slam back then), thus denying Martina her chance at becoming the first female to complete the Grand Slam since 1970. Navratilova’s loss was Evert’s gain, as she beat Sukova the next day in the Australian Open finals, thus giving Chrissy at least one Grand Slam win in every year since 1974 (the streak continued until 1987 and is impressive in its own right).

4) Tiger Woods – Four straight wins in majors
Sometimes we have to take a step back from the present to recognize true greatness. Because there is a tendency among sports observers to overvalue the past while ignoring the present, modern day achievements often don’t get the respect that ones from yesteryear do.
Such is the case with the one they call Tiger.
Woods certainly gets all the attention he deserves, but I think that if Jack Nicklaus had won four straight majors back in 1973, we’d all be talking about how that was the greatest run in the history of sports. Tiger did this back in 2001/2002 and, though it's a revered record, it hardly gets the credit it should.
Because Tiger’s dominance was so recent, and felt so normal, it is discussed is sports circles as if it were commonplace, when in reality it was anything but.
Winning four straight majors will never, ever happen again and one could argue that it belongs at the top of this list.

3) Edwin Moses – 122 consecutive 400-meter hurdle victories
I wanted to put this at #9 just for the symmetry of the whole damn thing, but this streak has been underrated for far too long.
Moses’ streak lasted nine years, nine months and nine days, during which he ran the nine fastest times in the history of the race. He also owned a cat named Morris and expressed disbelief when he heard Ferris Bueller had missed school "niiiiiine times" in 1986.
Edwin's 122 wins included 107 wins in race finals and two Olympic gold medals (he would have had three, had Jimmy Carter not wussed out and boycotted the 1980 Moscow Olympics).
Track, swimming and tennis always get shafted when people compile these sorts of list, by the way.

2) Joe DiMaggio – 56 consecutive game hitting streak
Plenty of people have provided excellent reasons why this is the greatest streak in baseball history (including myself). And it is, of course. But is it possible that DiMaggio’s streak is, gasp, a bit overrated? Let's see:
Six Reasons Why Joe D’s Streak is Overrated
1) DiMaggio only faced a reliever in 15 of his 56 games - His hit streak undoubtedly benefited from facing tired starters in the late innings of summer games.
2) There was little pressure on DiMaggio - The media was well aware of DiMaggio’s streak, but without the pressures of 24-hour sports networks, pre-game news conferences and daily bulletins on CNN, DiMaggio had it pretty easy. If a player today gets halfway to DiMaggio it's national news and he would have dozens of beat writers on his tail before and after every game.
3) DiMaggio played in an segregated league - Jackie Robinson was still six years away from breaking the color barrier.
4) The hit streak should have been snapped at 29 - On June 17, 1941, DiMaggio hit a sharp grounder to White Sox shortstop Luke Appling. Appling misplayed the ball, but wasn’t charged an error.
5) Hitting combines ability with luck - Watch a baseball game tonight You’re guaranteed to see a ball hit solidly to the outfield that is caught because the outfielder got a good jump or was in the proper position. You’ll also a slow infield roller that will result in a hit because the third baseman was playing deep or the pitcher was slow to get off the mound. Fair? Of course not, but that's why baseball is so great. Once the batter puts the ball in play, he’s at the mercy of the defense.
6) He dunks his donuts in coffee - Come on, who does that?
OK, before you start sending me hate mail (I'm looking at you, J. Rod), I don't really believe DiMaggio's streak is overrated. But, it does seem that baseball historians have glossed over DiMaggio's career, even going so far as to say that he was the greatest living ballplayer back when he, Ted Williams and Stan Musial were all alive. Even during his career Joe D got more love than Teddy Ballgame, winning the 1941 MVP despite Williams' .406 batting average.
Joe DiMaggio's streak is, without a doubt, the greatest and most unbreakable streak in baseball. With all the magical baseball numbers passed or soon-to-be passed, 56 is the one that will stick forever.
(An aside: My favorite part of DiMaggio's hitting streak is that in the game after it was snapped, the Yankee Clipper started a 16-game hitting streak, meaning he had hit safely in 72 of 73 games. Simply remarkable.)

1) Tiger Woods – 142 consecutive cuts made
There is no need to let some time pass before we can fully appreciate the magnifigance of Tiger Woods' consecutive cuts made streak. The minute it became official, that streak became the greatest in sports history.
When it was snapped Friday at the Byron Nelson Classic, the current leader in consecutive cuts made became Ernie Els with 20. Twenty! Tiger lapped the field, and then some.
Since besting Byron Nelson’s old record (113 – set during a bygone era in golf at the tail-end of World War II), Tiger made 29 more cuts, which would have put him nine in front of Els.
This is simply amazing. Similar lists on ESPN.com or the absurd FoxSports.com have totally ignored Tiger’s cut-streak, which is either a sign of being enamored with the past or delusion. Or both.
Consider: Tiger’s streak took him through seven years, eight majors, two massive swing changes, a courtship of a smokin’ hot Swedish nanny, his father’s sickness, new clubs and balls and the rise and fall of dozens of other golfers.
DiMaggio had to be “on” for two months. Tiger had to be “on” for seven years.
The other members of the “Big Five” have exactly one 30+ cut-streak on their resume (Vijay Singh once made 53 straight cuts).
Some of you might have one finger on the keyboard right now ready to let me know about the 31 “no cut” events Tiger played in during the streak. Two things about that: First, Byron Nelson had little competition when he played, so I think 31 is a good handicap to give Tiger for playing in the most stacked fields in golf history. Secondly, Tiger had 26 top-tens in those 31 events. Kind of throws that argument out the window, doesn’t it?
The cut-streak doesn’t seem all that impressive, I’ll admit. It doesn’t have the cachet of DiMaggio’s or the historic significance of Ripken’s. Instead it combines the most impressive features of the two, consistency and durability.
Just because Tiger’s streak didn’t get its deserved attention in the press, doesn’t mean it is any less special.
The next tournament Tiger Woods plays will be the beginning of his new consecutive cuts made streak. Anybody who thinks that he won't make quickly rise to the top of the list again doesn't know Tiger.

Tomorrow: Revisiting the list and discussing omissions. Please leave any thoughts, questions, omissions or comments below.

I'm still all jacked-up after watching Hazzard County's own Luke Duke (Tom Wopat) sing the National Anthem and 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame" yesterday at the Nationals-Brewers game, so, for the second straight day, Chris's Sports Blog will remain postless.
Don't fret my friends, I'll be back tomorrow (promise). See you then.

Tiger's Streak Snapped

It's almost fitting that Tiger Woods' unbelievable cuts-made streak ended at the tournament named for the man whose record Tiger broke, Byron Nelson.
After bogeying the 18th hole to finish his second-round +1 for the tournament, Tiger's amazing streak of 142 cuts made has finally been snapped.
Some perspective on how amazing Tiger's streak was: Ernie Els now has made the most consecutive cuts on the PGA Tour; he's done it in a whopping 20 straight tournaments.
This might be the most impressive streak in sports history (yes, even more impressive than DiMaggio's 56-game hitting streak), but I'll get into that and more about Tiger's unbelievable run on Monday when I'll countdown the Top 10 Greatest Streaks in Sports.

Shavlik: Polish for "What the F***?!"

I had planned on writing about both the sheer awesomeness of Dwayne Wade and the eminent likability of the Miami Heat (seriously, how can you dislike a team that features Shaq, Wade and 'Zo and is coached by a guy that looks like Ron Jeremy's body double? Throw in the fact that they play their games a few minutes from South Beach and you have a team I can get on board with), but the past few hours have been a whirlwind of activity after I announced my intention to forego my final four years of NCAA eligibility and enter the NBA Draft.
I figured, what the hell... If a stiff like Shavlik Randolph can put his name in the hat, I might as well try too.

Uhhh, wait a second. Are you trying to tell me that Shavlik Randolph - the same Shavlik Randolph that averaged 4.4 points per game and 4.3 rebounds per game last season is trying to enter the NBA Draft?

Well, I'm not trying to tell you, I'm telling you; he announced his intentions to go pro.

Wait, let me get this straight. We're talking about the same Shavlik Randolph that made Luke Schenscher look like Ralph Sampson earlier this year? The same Shavlik Randolph that will go down along with Sean Dockery and Greg Newton as the biggest busts in Duke basketball history?

Well, I know I'm talking about that Shavlik Randolph.

I don't think you are. Shavlik Randolph, the guy who played 60 minutes in the 2005 NCAA Tournament and had twice as many personal fouls (11) as he did points (5), thinks he can make an impact in the NBA, when he couldn't even do that against Delaware State? This is the guy that you think is going pro?

I think I've been quite clear on this italicized conscience.

Have you? It's just a little hard to believe that Shavlik Randolph, who missed some time earlier this year with mono (presumably from playing spin-the-bottle with J.J. Redick), is going to join Marvin Williams, Andrew Bogut and Chris Paul as early entries into the NBA Draft.

Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.

Well, isn't there something we can do about this? Can we call that mop-haired putz Ashton Kutcher and ask him to set-up some sort of elaborate Punk'd at the NBA Draft where one of his minions poses as an NBA GM and convinces Randolph that he's going to be a lottery pick which gets Randolph an invite to the Green Room where he'll be forced to watch guys like John Gilchrist and Randolph Morris get picked before him? Eventually, Randolph's cell phone would ring and it would be Aaron Rodgers telling him to hang in there, but then when the middle of the second round comes along and Randolph is chillin' with the janitors Kutcher would jump out from behind the curtains laughing, causing Shavlik to burst into tears Chris Carrawell-style and run into the streets of Manhattan rueing the day he ever claimed 'That '70s Show' was his second favorite TV program. Man, how awesome would that be?

Umm... that's pretty... good...? Although, if you could somehow get Tony Danza involved in your diabolical scheme, me, 2Pac's boys and Danny Pintauro would give you all the help you need.

Boss.

Headline Review

Dirk Nowitzki blasts Erick Dampier
Wait, are you telling me that Erick Dampier isn't deserving of the 7-year, $73 million contract he received from Mark Cuban last summer? I'm in shock! I thought that career averages of 8.3 points and 7.9 rebounds per game usually indicated that a 20/10 season was near! Alls I can say about this one is: Wow. If Erick Dampier can't play ball, then what hope do the rest of us have?
By the way, how pathetic is it that Dampier's 15 and 12 performance in Game 2 is cause for mass celebration in Dallas. It's nice that Dallasians (?)... Dallasers (?)... Dallasinos (?)... Dallasinians (?)... ummm, how about Dallas residents... yeah, that works. Anyway, it's nice that Dallas residents have lowered their expectations for Dampier enough to be thrilled when he scores like Eddie Jones and rebounds like Udonis Haslem.
But, I guess scoring 15 is better than putting up a goose egg, so maybe Dirk's comments (for those that haven't heard the clip, Nowitzki really laid into Dampier) weren't as stupid as Erick (speaking of stupid, spelling Eric with a "c" and a "k" is the first-name equivalent of New Coke) orginially thought.

Bullets decide not to reinstate Kwame Brown
First, let me say that I stood and applauded when I heard Eddie Jordan and Ernie Grunfeld weren't going to cave-in and allow Kwame Brown to rejoin the Bullets for their final two or three games against Miami, despite an injured list that would make the Red Sox pitching staff look healthy.
Actually I didn't stand, and I really didn't applaud, but I could have.
To let Kwame back on the team would be a cowardly and desperate move, one that would totally invalidate the whole reason for suspending him in the first place. I find it quite amusing that the same people who were ripping Kwame's game, work ethic, mental state, choice of hairstyles, favorite American Idol contestant and brand of deoderant, now think that he could come in against Shaquille O'Freakin'Neal and have impact beyond his allotment of six fouls.
What, in the last six days did Kwame work on his 15-footer, post-up moves and defense while going to therapy to figure out why he's such a basketball punk? Did he meet up with Dorothy and travel to the merry old land of Oz to get a heart from the guy behind the curtain?
Why does any rational person think that Kwame would have any effect on the series other than to provide TNT with the obligatory "sourpuss face on the bench" camera shots they seem to love?

Jeffrey Lurie says Owens contract will not be changed
It's not often I praise the Bullets and Eagles, let alone in the same post, but I have to say; I've gained a lot of respect for the Eagles organization over the past few days due to their unwillingness to cave on T.O. and Drew Rosenhaus' ridiculous contract demands.
Good for Andy Reid for sticking to his principles. Good for Donovan McNabb for standing up to Owens, which Jeff Garcia could never do. Good for Jeffrey Lurie for looking a lot like Lorne Michaels.
This is why the Eagles have been to four straight NFC Championship games (I'm drawing a blank on how many Super Bowl's they've won in that span... or ever for that matter) and the Redskins have been to the playoffs once since 1992.

Will Jason Giambi be sent down to the minors?
Over the past three days I've been coming to grip with Tony Danza's near-death experience.
Finally, I realized the only way I can move on is if Jason Giambi is sent to the minors. The joy of seeing that shrunken-headed, willowy-framed cheater getting schooled by a guy wearing a jersey with "Mud Hens" across the chest would make me forget about the terrifying sight of America's most beloved Pizan flipping over in a go-kart as his luscious head of hair scraped the ground.
Just like with the Bullets and Kwame Brown, the Yankees are making a pretty big assumption that sending Giambi to the minors would actually be beneficial. It's a calculated risk.
Ideally (for the Yankees... tragically for humanity) Giambi would find his rhythm against AAA pitching and would gain the confidence he hasn't had since he stopped sticking a needle in his ass.
But what if it backfires?
What if Giambi sucks as much in AAA as he does in the majors? He's struggled against fourth and fifth starters this season; the same types of pitchers he'd face in AAA. If he hits .230 in Columbus, what doe the Yanks do then, send Giambi to AA and then if that doesn't work, the California Penal League?

Dave Chappelle checks into South African mental hospital
Its increasingly looking as if the third season of Chappelle's Show might turn into a mind-altering creative struggle like Brian Wilson had with Smile, the planned follow-up to Pet Sounds.
Wilson literally lost his mind during the Smile sessions back in the mid-'60s and the album wasn't released until last year as a Wilson solo project.
Pet Sounds came out in 1966, so at this rate look for the third season of Chapelle's Show to come out in 2042 when Dave Chapelle is 69. (By the way, Pet Sounds came out on May 16, 1966, the same day Bob Dylan released his seminal album Blonde on Blonde and just three months before The Beatles put out Revolver. Man, what a year for music. The only other year that comes closes is 1999 when Limp Bizkit released Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water and Backstreet Boys chipped in with Black and Blue. The turn of the century... ahhh, what a magical time to be alive.)
Anyway, how can Chappelle and longtime writing partner Neal Brennan possibly be expected to follow-up a season that included Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories, a Day in the Life of Lil‚' Jon, the classic Prince sketch and the wildly underrated season opener? That's like a comedic "Sloop John B"/"God Only Knows" 1-2 punch right there.
No wonder he's cracked under the pressure.
Actually, nobody really knows if Chappelle actually is in a mental institution and many rumors abound as to what the real reason behind the delay of the third season of Chappelle's Show (no doubt spurred on by a provocative Newsweek article about Chappelle entitled "Fears of a Clown" and the Entertainment Weekly report.)
I'm not buying the rehab excuse though. Rehab is a badge of honor in Hollywood and going to the Betty Ford Clinic to dry out is a lot better than admitting that the pressure of coming up with new material caused a freak out.
I saw Chappelle at The Improv in D.C. last April, at the height of the second season publicity. Other than looking real blazed, he looked comfortable on stage.
Maybe he's smoked too much weed or done too much coke, or maybe he let the reported $50 million contract he signed with Comedy Central get too him. Perhaps the burden of having a show before comic genius Jon Stewart is what made Chappelle lose it.
Either way, I wish Dave Chappelle well and hope he can get his life back together. Jason Giambi on the other hand...

Tony Danza's Date With Destiny

May 10, 2005, 1:43 a.m.
From: Wolfman
To: Chris
Rusty Wallace earned himself an enemy for life today.

May 10, 2005, 9:51 a.m.
From: Chris
To: Wolfman
If he's lucky, me and Danny Pintauro will only break his kneecaps.

For those who don't aimlessly reload ESPN.com 76 times per hour or have never seen The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon, The Wolfman and I were referring to the talk-show segment gone awry in which NASCAR veteran Rusty Wallace ran one of America's biggest and brightest stars, Tony Danza, off a go-kart course, causing the award-winning actor to flip over in his mini-whip numerous times.
Luckily for Wallace and humanity, Danza was unharmed in the incident.
My innocence wasn't so lucky.
Forty-eight hours ago we lived in a world where Tony Danza was a modern-day Adonis: An invincible man with a great head of hair.
Today, Tony Danza is mortal.
How does something like this happen? Are we as a country really prepared to lose Tony Danza in a freak go-kart accident? Shouldn't there be laws preventing national treasures from being handled in such a manner?
If I went into the Library of Congress with a huge plate of hot wings and used the Declaration of Independence to wipe my hands, I would be put in jail. But somehow Tony Danza can get run off a makeshift go-kart course in Manhattan by some hillbilly in a Miller Lite jumpsuit who then jokes about it and this is acceptable? I fail to see how these two things are any different.
Let's look at the facts: Rusty Wallace played car-footsie with Tony Danza at 15 mph and his recklessness caused a helmet-less Danza to flip his go-kart over some tires that were serving as barriers on the course. And this isn't an arrestable offense? I once got a $250 citation for drinking at a freakin' tailgate, and Rusty Wallace can walk away from almost killing Tony Danza? What is this, Bolshevik Russia?
Rusty Wallace should be in prison right now, or forced to sit Clockwork Orange-style and watch the entire nine seasons of Who's the Boss.
Maybe then, and only then, will Wallace realize how perilously close he came to altering the course of history forever.
Does Rusty Wallace not know about Tony Danza's pivotal role in making the United States the superpower it is today?
Where was Rusty back when Tony Danza ruled America like Joe DiMaggio a generation before?
Was he too busy drinking moonshine with Uncle Jasper to watch Taxi and appreciate the subtle sophistication that Danza brought to the show? Or had television not been introduced to the south yet?
Where was Wallace during the late '80s, when the name "Danza" was synonymous with "machismo".
Are we really to believe that Rusty Wallace never watched Who's the Boss and marveled how Tony Danza, a sensitive guy from Brooklyn with a rugged exterior played Tony Miceli, a sensitive guy from Brooklyn with a rugged exterior. (See, their last names were different, people. Stanislavsky, eat your heart out.)
But I'll give Wallace the benefit of the doubt and assume that he has seen the show that finished 6th in the year-end Nielsen Ratings in 1987-1988 (just behind Growing Pains which, at the time, featured tour-de-force performances from Kirk Cameron week in and week out).
Maybe Rusty was just more enamored with Judith Light than he was with Danza's biting wit and thought that Tony Danza the talk-show host was just another Montell Williams wanna-be. That's really the only excuse he can have.
I mean, how could you knowingly bump Tony Danza? That's like playing in a charity hockey game with the Pope and hip-checking him through the glass.
I think it's safe to assume Wallace never saw the episode of WTB? where Tony and Angela are on a train to Washington and Angela makes Tony sleep on the floor of their train berth, but Tony can't get comfortable so he climbs into bed with her (right) and, in an attempt to get snuggled in properly, moves his backside into her hip until she wakes up and gets mad at him?
Seriously, that exchange between two comic titans makes the conveyer belt scene from I Love Lucy look like a clip from A Minute With Stan Hooper. One day when the world of Harry Potter becomes reality and books have moving, life-like pictures in them, that scene between Danza and Light will be in the dictionary next to the definition of "Utter Hilarity".
So I suppose not knowing the greatness of Tony Danza can be Wallace's only excuse for nearly killing him, but isn't not knowing how amazing Tony Danza is just as big a crime?
You know the answer.
It's been said that Tony Danza is a lucky man for escaping his accident uninjured. And that may be so. But, he's Tony Danza... Nothing bad can happen to him. Instead, I think it's Rusty Wallace that was blessed yesterday.
For if he had hurt Tony Danza he would have had to enter the Witness Protection Program to get away from not only me, The Wolfman, Judith Light, D.P., and the kid who played Billy, but he would have also had to have hidden from those of a slightly more thuggish persuasion.
Chances are slim that an in-bred redneck like Rusty Wallace has seen Tupac Resurrection. It's a shame, because he has been deprived of witnessing an excerpt from a jailhouse interview with 2Pac in which the rapper discusses the inspiring mail he received while in prison on a 1994 rape charge.
Pac says that Snoop, Quincy Jones, Jesse Jackson, Mary J. Blige, Whitney Houston and other prominent African-Americans all wrote to him, expressing to him their undying support. And while Pac says he appreciated their thoughts and prayers very much, he said it was another letter that moved him to get his life turned around in the joint.
As the interview progresses, the man born Tupac Amaru Shakur says that, even though he had never met the man that wrote the letter, his words were inspirational and he felt a connection with his new friend, despite the vast cultural, economic and racial differences between them.
As the camera zooms in on a weeping 2pac, it simultaneously zooms out to reveal the picture of 2Pac's inspiration.
Who was it you ask?
Tony Freakin' Danza.
If you thought Biggie went down hard, just wait to see what Pac's boys would have done to Rusty Wallace had he somehow hurt Tony Danza. It would not have been pretty my friends.
(I didn't make that up, by the way. I've never laughed harder in a movie theater than I did when Tony Danza's picture came up on screen in Tupac Resurrection. It was like going to Citizen Kane only to see Lil' Jon sledding on Rosebud with his chalice whilst yelling "ORSON WHAAAAAT?")
Rusty Wallace, count your blessings. You very nearly went from being "that NASCAR guy... no, not Jeff Gordon, the other guy" to "the guy that killed Tony Danza".
So, my newfound arch-nemesis, do yourself a favor: Go to amazon.com and purchase all the seasons of Who's the Boss that are out on DVD. For those seasons that aren't, go on eBay and buy them on VHS.
Then, sit on your wicker furniture with a can of Miller Lite and a bowl of pork rinds and bathe in the light of Tony Danza. And always remember; no matter how many turn-left races you win, no matter how many endorsements you receive, no matter how big you might become, Tony Danza will always be the boss.

Weekend Review

50-1 Longshot Giacomo Wins Kentucky Derby
This year the most exciting two minutes in sports was actually the most exciting two minutes, two and three-quarter seconds in sports, but hey, anytime an event (whether it be the World Series, Kentucky Derby or mulberry pie eating competition) directly results in George Steinbrenner losing, that's about as exciting as it comes.
Rumor has it that Steinbrenner so upset at the performance of his horse, (and prohibitive race favorite) Bellamy Road, that he is considering firing jockey Javier Castellano and replacing him with Billy Martin.
(By the way, I just had to look up the name of Steinbrenner's horse. Apparently my short-term memory thinks horse racing is a waste of time also.)
Bellamy Road's failure was Giacomo's gain and the horse that went off at 50-1 won, becoming the second biggest longshot to wear the bed of roses in the race's 131 year history.
Giacomo (whose name comes from a nickname of Sting's son Jack) broke late on a tired field, but isn't given much chance of winning the Preakness; partly because the wider turns at Pimlico favor a more controlled horse and partly because he just realized that Sting is that loser in the Jaguar commercials.

Bullets Win; Bullets lose
If Charles Dickens were alive today he might have said the Washington Bullets weekend was the best of times and the worst of times. Then he would have taken one look at the eyebrow-less Anthony Peeler and freaked out Wilbanks-style. (Seriously, how is that poor bastard going to stay engaged to that loon? Forget the fact that she exhibited behavior so narcissistic it would make Jerry, George and Elaine blush, but look at those huge eyes. If you were talking to her, wouldn't you always think somebody was behind you?)
Got a little off topic there. I apologize. Anyway, the Bullets had a great come-from-behind win Friday night in Washington, capped off by a Chris Duhon mental-lapse that allowed Jared Jeffries to score the go-ahead points, giving the Bullets their first win in a playoff series since I was eight months old.
I thought the happiness the Bullets could bring me peaked in Game 4 when Juan Dixon channeled his 2002 self and dropped 35 on a Bulls team powerless to stop him.
But that feeling was eclipsed at the end of Game 5 when Jannero Pargo hit a game-tying 3-pointer with 5.2 seconds left, completing a wild comeback by the Bulls. Why did this please me, considering that I live in Washington and "root" (those are air-quotes: I enjoy the NBA playoffs, but can't sit through many regular season games) for the Bullets?
Because, if it had been Chris Duhon that hit the shot, I think I would have freaked out Wilbanks-style and rented a moped so I could drive to Duluth only to make a pay-phone call from a run-down Denny's and claim that I was kidnapped by Ally Sheedy and a bunch of crazed Scientologists.
That euphoria lasted all of two minutes, because soon after Gilbert Arenas' buzzer-beater, I saw Steve Blake celebrating with him. That, my friends, was one for the highlight reel.
But, just like Mark McGwire's homerun record, the Blake celebration didn't last too long atop my personal NBA playoffs top-moments, for I could never have imagined the simple thrill that witnessing a ball bouncing off of Chris Duhon's back would bring me. It was a mistake so public, so humiliating and so final that mere words cannot describe it.
Thank you Chris Duhon. I hope your ribs are feeling better, sucka.

My Hat and Gloves

Two days of teaching first graders has left me exhausted and, admittedly, a little surly.
Luckily I'll have the song "My Hat and Gloves" stuck in my head all weekend after hearing it five times today as the little ones prepared for their performance of "The Four Seasons" this afternoon.
If you've never heard 100 first graders singing about songs about snapdragons, forgetting where their mittens are and smelling flowers, then you, my friend, have never experienced music.
Anyways, I must now take a nap lest I pass out with a beer in my hand during the middle of the first quarter of the Bullets-Bulls game tonight.
Please forgive the lack of posts, but come back Monday where I'll be making some fairly obvious observations about an as-of-yet undetermined topic.
Have a good weekend.

Headline Review: NBA Edition

Bullets suspend Kwame Brown for playoffs
Picture it; Sicily, 1932 (except that it’s actually Washington DC, 2005): A 22-year old, former #1 pick three months away from his first foray into free agency is upset with the playing time he is getting in the first competitive playoff series that his franchise has played in since he was six.
This child petulantly refuses to attend a shoot-around the morning of a pivotal game, claiming he has the stomach flu, a story about as believable as Kim Jong-Il’s golf scores.
The coach tells him to leave the building before the game and the next day he is suspended for the remainder of the playoffs by said coach and the team’s GM, thus depriving the player a chance to audition for other teams and make millions on his next contract in the process.
That story sounds like the basis for another lame ESPN made-for-TV movie but, for Kwame Brown, it’s just another bizarre chapter in his tumultuous four years in D.C.
The relationship between Kwame and the city of Washington has been sort of like that terrible relationship your buddy is in where everybody hates the girlfriend (and not-so-subtlety lets him know it), but somehow still ends up marrying her anyway. So you sit at the wedding, trying to convince yourself that this will turn out well, even as you make sarcastic comments about how it’s the loveliest funeral you’ve ever been to when the bride is walking down the aisle.
For a while (six months after the honeymoon) you actually believe everything is fine, but then your buddy starts dropping hints of unhappiness in his conversations, like how long its been since they’ve slept in the same bed and how they haven’t spoken for four consecutive days. There is a protracted breakup and when it finally ends everyone acts shocked when they hear the marriage is over even though they knew it